Set in The Lunaverse. Ditzy Doo is a loving mother, a good friend and a dedicated mail mare. She also happens to be the Element of Kindness, something that can lead to a pony getting some unwanted attention. This starts to become a problem when she is approached by some ponies from Manehattan with an offer they doubt she'll refuse. What will happen? How will the Elements react? And what part does Big Macintosh play in all of this?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well finally got around to contributing to this website. Now I wanted to do this story for a few reasons. Firstly I really like this universe RainbowDoubleDash created and the stories that are already part of it. Secondly I like The Lunaverse group for its quality and for the sheer principle of what it is (an open-ended colaboration of Authors to create a single narritive vision). Lastly it gives me a chance to try a new spin on one of my favourite characters.
chronologically speaking I see this story taking place after the events of Musicians and Dreamers but aside from that I'm keeping it flexible (I would say that episode 13 is looking kinda lonely but that's only because 13 is my favourite number
)
I'm still getting the hang of this website's set up and I want to make sure that this story fits in with the rest of the universe so all feed back is welcome.
> She also happens to the Element of Kindness,
I think you accidentally a word, lol
I like this story so far keep it up
Well color me intrigued...
My only complaint: I don't think that Trixie would throw Ditzy out of her window, even if she was interrupted. Among other things, she's pretty close to Ditzy, probably closer to her than any of the other L6 except maybe Lyra.
FUN FACT TIME!
In Longest Night, Longest Day, when Trixie was under the offense of poison joke and trying to keep herself amused, I had her sing a few lines from I Don Quixote. But I originally wanted her to sing a song related to New Orleans, and one of the songs I was considering was the one used here. I also almost used "House of the Rising Sun."
Only criticism I'd give was that it needed some better structuring and scene transitions. Also it kind of lurched to a stop. Other then that seems solid and I'll definitely be following it.
where this goes i have no idea, but i'm stickin' around to find out
This is pretty interesting, I'll be sure to keep an eye on it
And your Pierce is perfect!
Need a few more puns but pretty ncie nonetheless!
You should get a proofreader though, there's a few spots where you dropped words (like when Trixie comments 'Did you how big he was', forgetting the 'see' in there ).
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This wasn't intended to be an act of malice on Trixie's part. It was more of a knee jerk reaction to Ditzy catching her singing in the shower. Kind of like when you slam the door in a friend's face when they catch you do something embarassing. Though at least she remebered to sign the clipboard.
Oh, dear. Castor Cut is about to make a big-ass nuisance of himself. Good thing that there are some members of the Apple Trust
who are almost respectable.
Well I wasn't expecting to see this when I got up this mourning. Good potential concept and off to a nice solid start. Definitely needs some proofing work though. Anyway, welcome to the club, such as it were.
I do have one personal concern though. There were a few spots where Big Mac felt far too wordy to me, most notably when introducing himself to Trixie. It's perfectly okay to have him say more than yup/nope, but his responses should still generally be short and direct. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt with your interpretation, but you should considered having Big Mac mostly 'speak' through actions or by having others speak for him based on there own perceptions.
Looks interesting, and the character at the train station definitely seems ominous already.
A couple errors I spotted:
Almost looking what?
I think you mean 'no one'. Unless you're introducing a character named 'No'.
A few errors, but intriguing start!
Hmm. Interesting. I'm intrigued and looking forward to seeing where this is going. A couple of things, though, that I think might be improved:
1. I would agree with Emerald Bookwise that Big Mac is unusually talkative here. I think it'd be better to write him as communicating more with gestures or actions than being chatty.
2. If the short pony (buying the tickets) is the Duke (whose descriptions so far have been along the lines of 'well, he's brown and he's short'), then this doesn't quite mesh with his characterization thus far. Duke Greengrass handles almost everything of this sort through proxies; he wouldn't actually come to Ponyville himself (he'll show up briefly in Carrot Top Season, but as part of an even that was planned long before he'd ever heard of the Elements). His whole plan to grab the Elements is supposed to be a secret (and he doesn't know that Trixie found out about it; he fell for her whole 'I'm going to frame Lyra out of jealousy' scam and thinks that's why Octavia failed), so showing up in person would endanger that. He's also not really the cackling villain sort. He can be funny and enjoys teasing others, but he wouldn't be all 'so, boys, ready to commit some horrible villainy?'
(If it's not the Duke, then just ignore this bullet, heh).
3. On a smaller note, I think it might be best if this story wasn't #13 but was two or three down from Carrot Top Season. It just seems a bit odd to me to cluster all the political episodes together (Musicians and Dreamers, this one, and Carrot Top Season).
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Thats a valid point you two made and I will definitely relook this chapter and work on keeping Big Mac quieter. There may be special occasions that forces Big Mac to use more words than usual but he is still at heart a pony that doesn't like to use words if he can avoid it.
On the second note, not to give too much away, the short pony is not the duke, he's not even involved with the canterlot nobles. From what I've seen this would absolutely not be the Duke's style to come in person and I promise you that this is one scheme he isn't involved in. I will be giving the Manehattenites a formal introduction next chapter.
844228: Awesome. Looking forward to the next chapters!
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And that is perfectly fine. Episodes like Ponyville Confidential show us that given the right motivations he can speak up a storm. Much like the character of Silent Bob though, for such scenes to have proper dramatic weight Big Mac needs to keep it short and simple all the rest of the time.
This shall be interesting!
Duke Bluegrass...
I love it. I'm really liking this one.
Ch2 looks pretty good. Parley is shaping up to be a great villain, I already feel like slapping the sleaze a good one. Still not quite sure how the two seemingly desperate plot threads you've got going sync up, but I'll give it some time.
Noticed that you also updated Ch1. Skimmed for anything obvious, but was disappointed that Big Mac still seems overly chatty.
Ah, I get it. I was reading the chapter going "but wait, where's Carrot Top?"
For some reason it took me to the end there to realize you meant it as a reference to "carrot and stick."
Aw, and Trixie's normally so good with kids...
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Yeah I was doing some corrections and cutting back on some of minor Big Mac dialogue but I'm still working through it so that I have Big Mac talking less but that the needed information across. I'll let you know when the revised version is up.
'Water-boarding'?
I'm not familiar with this term. Do I want to be?
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To quote wikipedia "Waterboarding is a form of torture in which water is poured over the face of an immobilized captive, thus causing the individual to experience the sensation of drowning". `
So no it's not something you want to be personally familiar with.
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Okay, so incredibly unpleasant but nothing that requires me to break out the brain bleach (like a few other things I've regretted asking about).
keep it up
i laughed when i saw the Princess and the Frog referance. genius.
Should probably be "Stronghold"
I like it, and I'm interested to see where this is going. Keep it up!
I am highly amused by Trixie's being captured by the foals. They can be vicious when they want to be. :-)
Except Scootaloo might just want to try wakeboarding, or something.
Hmm, I sense trouble. I hope Big Mac's not a knowing partner and simply wanted to help a friend.
Also Duke Bluegrass, ally of Fancy Pants?!
I wonder how Scootaloo would even know what water boarding is in the first place.....
And now we start to see a bit of overlap between the story lines. Let’s see what happens next.
Just a few notes.
Bounty Hunting is a legal profession in Equestria, albeit it one that is licensed and regulated (like in real life). Anyone can apply for a Bounty hunting license but they have to pass a background check and a basic competence test. The bounties are government sanctioned and the bounty hunters are required to follow the same laws as everyone else. While you can make a living from it if you are willing to travel across Equestria to hunt the bounties down, most bounty hunters have day jobs and just collect on bounties that come into their area.
The reason that bounty hunting was made legal was as a way to compensate for the lower number of law enforcement in the rural areas because having bounty hunters in an area would make that area undesirable to criminals that already had bounties on their heads and it gave individuals law enforcement could deputise if the extra pony power was needed.
Caballerian is language spoken in Caballeria which is the Lunaverse equivalent of Spain. There is also a Caballerian speaking minoraty that lives with in Equestria. On a side note, I don't personally speak Spanish and have had to use a translater so sorry if the translations are off.
Lastly, I have gone back and revised chapter one because I realised that I had made Big Mac a little too chatty and I had accidently made Pokey Pierce's nickname Pierce when it is in fact Pokey (not sure how I missed that one). It's more or less the same but any thoughts the revised chapter is welcome.
Love Caballeria. I'm adding it to my list of fanon MLP place names.
One of these days I'm going to post the whole thing for the benefit of other writers.
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Personally, I think it'd be more fun if we didn't get a translation for what Plomo was saying, and just had it be in Spanish
(Also, don't feel bad about not speaking Spanish. I myself only speak two languages: English, and Bad English).
Oh, goody. Time for Big Red to bust some melons.
874535 good chapter, i can help you with the spanish dialogue
."¿Por qué son nosotros pérdida de tiempo? ¿Por qué no agarramos sólo al monstruo y somos hacemos con ello?"
should be
"¿Por qué estamos perdiendo el tiempo? ¿Por qué no simplemente agarramos al fenómeno y termimanos con esto?"
"Cobarde débil." never heard of that one ,
"maricon" isn't exactly the same but is a good alternative.
"Ah juro que voy a la piel que poco...." is "Ah juro que lo voy a desollar vivo a ese pequeño ...."
"¡Yo DEBERÍA ROMPER CADA HUESO EN SU CUERPO ESTÚPIDO!"
"¡ DEBERÍA ROMPERte CADA HUESO de tu CUERPO , boludo!"
( I am from argentina so some of my structures are a bit different compared to other spanish speaking countries , but it was mostly in neutral )
I'm not sure yet exactly how the plotlines will come together, but things are proving to be quite interesting so far. I wish caramel good luck with Wind Whistler!
Well Mac seems to be a nice person in this (and a bounty hunter which is sort of cool). I assume either the job offer for Cherilee is legit and coincidntial or its not but Mac isn't aware of it. It could be that after trying to get at the elements one at a time only to be stopped by Trixie the big bad is deciding to try two at once on the grounds that one will distract her from the other.
Alteratively Mac is being an amazing chess player here with the bounty hunter bit being entirely to get trixie's attention to the current bounties which will presumably include on the 'business pony's' working on ditzy thus warning her whats going on.
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Yeah that could be fun. I'll try that out next time I have Plomo dialogue.
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Thank you so much.
I'm always reluctant about using languages I don't know because translate programs tend to be literal instead of grammatical so I'm really grateful if someone who knows the language looks it over. I've made the changes you suggested, though just to check is "No digas palabrotas." The right thing to say if you're telling someone to watch their language?
878115 yes , "No digas palabrotas." is okay .
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Buddy Bounties?
For some reason I can't help but think of Scrubs for some reason.
Yeah I realise things seem unconnected at the moment but I promise as we keep going, the plot threads will start joining up. The problem was that if I didn't start all these things now stuff that would happen later on would seem to come out of nowhere.
Hmm, plot thickens. I liked Big Mac, there, but a bounty hunter?
...
I really love that!
As for not speaking Spanish, I speak English, Klingonese and I can conjugate 'Amo' from Latin from high school about 15 years ago...
I speak English AND French
maybe I should include more drunk Trixie in my stories? 
another excellent chapter. Between the two of us we can really bring out the 'Servile Snarker' side of Pokey out, he's turning out to be lots of fun isn't he? Basically just have him take jabs at Trixie while still doing his job!
Even when she constantly question why she keeps him around.
Caramel, Big Mac: they fight crime.
that's frickin' amazing! Though Caramel seems a bit too... skilled for a simple farmhand/part time bounty hunter. Think he ran from a bounty on his head?
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Either that or he's ex-military who had been screwed over by some higher ups, or both. With a last name like Chance-A-Lot, it would make sense. (If Lyra and Trixie got their last names from the mysterypack he can too)
Pokey is such fun to write, I'm so glad you brought him into Lunaverse canon. Personally I think Trixie secretly likes having him around, though it would be cold day in Tartarous before she admits it.
And we can never have too much drunk Trixie
879663 Oh god... Caramel is Face to big Mac's BA Barracus, unless big Mac's the van
Glad to see someone having fun using Pokey!
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Oh Big Mac would definitely be more than just the Van, maybe with some Hannibal thrown in
Though I can picture it now.
Nnnope, I ain't getting on no air ship fool
Though that would just leave us short a Howling Mad Murdock
Or Caramel could be Sam Axe to Big Mac's Micheal Weston though if that were the case I'd need to introduce mojitos to the Lunaverse as well as another character to be the trigger happy love interest.
880278 Murdoch? Just throw in Screwloose! What we need then is a proper Hannibal
also my next story has Trixie drinking a mojito.
What the crap Big Mac........a bounty hunter? Thats a cool idea!
And now things are starting to get interesting. Let’s see where it leads.
In regards to Cheerilee's POV, I can't personally speak for teachers but my dad is a doctor in a small town. His car had been stolen and set on fire by some locals (don't ask me why) and though the people responsible had been caught and prosecuted he had made it a point not to find out who they were. When I asked him why, he explained that chances are that someday he was going to have to treat one or all of the people responsible. That was what came with the territory of being a doctor and frankly it was easier for him not to know.
I think being a teacher is similar in that you can't control who your students or who their parents but you still have responsibility to those students regardless of personal feelings. I'm not saying that Cheerilee shuts her eyes to potential threats but she's not going to start thinking the worst of people at the first suspicion.
Side note, it was suggested that I leave out the translations for what Plomo says and just have the Spanish, any thoughts?
First, at some point, these people have to learn that acting against the Bearers is an incredibly stupid move, especially in the Lunaverse.
Second, I kind of want Post Haste's bat. It's a cool bat. Also, 'love and tolerate the shit out of you' with a bat like that is brilliant.