When humanity's first FTL capable ship lands on Equis the residents are terrified and the crew have to negotiate with the races of Equis, some who look at them as animals, others who hate them for their advancement over them and whose who look at them as possible ally's, friends and something more?
Private Ryan is just a marine who survived the fall, but when he gets flung out into a new world everything changes for him. Now he has to protect the only human settlement on Equis while dealing with his species dark past of genocide and destruction.
Join him and a few more soldiers in a fight to quite possibly ensure the survival of humanity.
(This story was partially inspired by ShadowWalking18's story World of Ponies: The Pony-Human War).
Chapters (8)
Interesting start, I look foreword to more.
Got a little double print in those last two paragraphs in chapter one.
So, I managed to get through the chapter one. Let's see...
* "The start of somthing big"
Dude, a typo in chapter title? Seriously? Even browsers have builtin spellcheck these days!
Chapter 1 Entry 360
* "I have revived my orders"
Received?
Chapter 1 Entry 444
* "In a last ditch attempt to save the west we detonated a prototype weapon over china known Icarus." Capitalization in "the West" and "China". Also, missing "as" before "Icarus".
* "Now the sky is red all day and night and the plant life is brown and wilted and only survive with artificial sunlight and a strict amount of food."
Way too many "ands". Consider splitting the sentence in two or three.
* "We are so lucky to have survived out of a race of 18 billion only about 3 million survived."
Missing punctuation. Also, I suggest you work a bit on your style. Compare: "The measly 3 million survivors are all that remains from a species 18 billion strong - and it's a miracle that anyone have survived at all."
* "Sir! Private Ryan Stephson reporting for duty! Sir! he shouted with evident fear in his voice
Missing quote mark and period. Also, fear? Worry, maybe, but to be afraid of your commanding officer seems off. Up to you, though.
* "Do you mind if I take a seat Private?" The general continued
Missing period.
* "No, no of course not sir." Ryan replied trying to remain composed.
Missing commas. There are too many missing punctuation marks to mention, so I'll skip those.
* "It is designed to take a crew of 200 men and a few plants and animals to a solar system 4000000 light years away with a vehicle storage bay an cryo storage."
"and cryostorage", maybe? Also, consider writing "4 billion" rather than "4000000", even though it's really a lot. In general, consider rewording that part, for example... "Shortly before the war, our scientists discovered a potentially habitable world four hundred lightyears from Sol. With most of our biosphere gone, and the rest degrading, we have been working on completing the prototype FTL drive. It's not perfect, but with pre-war cryotechnology it might be enough to transport two hundred humans, as well as everything needed to establish a colony. That's where you come in."
The ending of the chapter is just confusing. First you switch over to Lyra's dialogue midsentence, but then you actually type out "character switch to Lyra". If perspective switch is so confusing you need to explicitly say that, then you need to rewrite that part.
Overall, the story is very, very raw. You clearly haven't proofread it, and frankly, that's not nice towards your readers. The style seems off, especially the part of the dialogue. Military men tend to speak in certain style, after all. You might want to take a look at "Lazarus: The Rise of Man", which has a nearly identical premise, and author claimed to have consulted people with US military background to make his dialogue sound right.
Don't take my criticism as a personal attack, or as a sign that you should stop writing - it's neither.
Just... put more work into it. Fact check, proofread, ask around - I do believe there is a group for people who are willing to pre-read stories before you actually submit them to the site. Don't give up!
Might wanna fix that part to properly separate Ryan and lyra's dauloge.
Might seems good so far.
I'll favorite it for now, see where it goes.
Numerous errors as 7772749 stated, and the pacing is just....off
Definitely need to make some revisions to bring it up to snuff m8
You are using the wrong terms for the wrong things. I don't like to criticize stories but this is going to drive me crazy if I don't say it now.
You said the plasma weapon had a clip. And the gauss rifle was firing beams.
1. His plasma weapon is not a kinetic weapon and would not need a clip(magzine dam it!), might need a power cell. And it would be the one to fire beams.
2. The gauss weapons are still kinetic weapons and might need a "clip" if man portable. They do not technically fire beams as they are not energy weapons.
7821817
Well technically in this fic only the plasma rifle fires a pure plasma projectile, the plasma cannon on the other had fires a bullet with molten plasma inside. This is to because when the bullet reaches the target the metal casing disintegrates and throws plasma deep inside the targets body doing more damage to internal organs, killing the enemy quicker. As for the gauss rifle, the projectile travels so fast that the air around it turns to 'cold' plasma which travels behind the bullet giving to a streak, the reason it's blue is become some of the metal from the bullet evaporates and turns to plasma, staining it blue. So technically the air around the bullet gives it extra heat damage.
And yes the plasma cannon and rifle does have a power cell as do the gauss rifles but they are much less powerful. The power cell in plasma cannon is very powerful as it needs to heat the plasma in the bullets and fire them at 22% the speed of light. Thus they have to be replaced once every 12 magazines, so the gunners usually carry a belt of power cells.
Thanks for the feedback though, ill start referring to clips as magazines if it's the correct phrasing.
I can't wait for the next chapter!!!
7823547 mancavehq.weebly.com/uploads/4/5/3/7/45379701/6550376_orig.jpg
7919143
Thanks.
7922265 NP
7922265 This is a great story will there be more?
8005484
Yeah, I didn't realise how long it had been since I updated. It will be out in a while because I'd rather make it good and late rather than rushed and a little earlier.
Sorry for the wait and I'm glad you like it.
8010636 Your welcome,also it didn't feel rushed
Love it.
8146842
I aim to please.
No offense, but "Late" is an understatement.
Having trouble finding the story this is based on [world of ponies] could you link it to me please?
8160272
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/265660/world-of-ponies-the-pony-human-war
8160969
Thank you!!!
8161076
No problem.
Wow dude! Compared to the first three chapters, this this one is [besides a few spelling errors] very well done! Not that the others were bad, but obviously they were a little rushed so the quiltly wasn't too good. However this chapter has brought my full interest to this story and am looking forward to more!!!
Did you really make an AVATAR reference there? Lol
Also, this isn't gonna turn out like that movie will it? It was a good movie but it's anti-human fling was a big downer.
A black flag with a skull in the center of it representing humanity...yeah this will end we'll. Xp why's it like that anyway?
Anyway, great chapter! I hope the rest from here on out are just like it! Looking forward to reading MOAR!!!!!!
Oh! Also forgot to say I probably know and understand why the beginning was rushed, wanted to get to the cream of the pie as they say, when they arrived at equestria. Xd don't blame you dude, but rushing stories don't usually leave a good impression with readers, just thought you should know.
8161184
Thanks I'm glad you liked it.
Yes I did make an avatar reference, but there will be no betrayal of humanity or transformations into ponies. This is going to be a human superiority fic.
8161184
Also I didn't really consider the meaning of the flag at the end, other than how it represents humanity in the fic, I suppose it would represent the human inclination to violence and remind humanity of their divided past to their current unison and that they should be responsible with their power.
So all good things.
8162768
My favrit. Lol
8162790
Probably not the best for showing off against other species. Lol
When next AWESOME update! I'm looking forward to it!
8163258
I've got a lot of important things coming up and have to write a chapter for a story on fan fiction,but I'm going to try writing them both instead of doing them individually.
So that should speed up the process.
When more AWESOME updates?
pfft- 2 hours later- someone call the ambulance
was that a reference to Fallout 3's 'Vengeance' Gatling Laser, and Fallout: New Vegas's Mercy, Grenade Machine Gun???
8302624
No it was not, But it is now.
MORE!!!!
Can I please get a link?
8304813
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/265660/world-of-ponies-the-pony-human-war
Great to see a new chapter man!
I'm gonna read it right now! Xd
8306133
I agree, I delights me to see you continue on this
Great job on another great chapter dude! I can't wait to read more!!!
8305904
Great Chapter
Excellent!
When next AWESOME update?
More plz ;3
This chapter was filled with grammar errors.
Still readable, but it just seemed kinda rushed.
Still very interested reading more of this dude! Keep up the good work.
Good story and I'd like for you to continue. I agree with Earthpatriot though. There were quite a few errors.
Keep up that quality writing bro!
I look forward to reading more.
8548826
Same here. I wonder what will happen, will he be able to overcome these disturbing dreams or will he's paranoia get the best of him? Ohhh boy can't wait!!
shame this story stopped, it had good potential.
9094424
Oh no its still coming i just have a short attention span.
9103769
Oh thank god, I was worried that I may never get another chapter.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?