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Chapter 2- The Unfaithful...
Applejack and I galloped down the road, thinking it best to find Rarity first and explain to her the situation. When we arrive at her castle like boutique, we burst through the front door. Rarity turned with a menicing glare. "What do you think you're doing barging into my home like... like wild beast! What's the meaning of this!" Applejack started.
"But wee need your help sugarcube."
"My help!? If you want my help, then how about you go back to that door and KNOCK!"
"Rarity this is important!" I shouted.
"KNOCK!"
"Fine..." I say as I grumble out the door. We walk back outside and knocked politely on her front door. Rarity took her time as she FINALLY came to the entrace and allowed us in.
"Oh my, what a surprize! How are you? Everything alright?" Rarity stated, her mood as though what had just happened never did. I was the first to speak.
"Look Rarity, we need to tell you something. Something important!"
"OK, what..." Rarity asked with a stern look in her eyes. As I try to explain about the quest that was before us, I notice that she had appearently been crying before we came to her, but the signs were to small for Applejack to see. I find myself becoming sympathetic, feeling a bit sorry for her for some reason as I finish explaining.
"It's OK Rarity. We will change the why our futures have been set, but only together can we do it." I cooed to her, Applejack slightly perplexed at the sympathy in my voice. "Will you help us?" Only a minute or two went by before a word broke the still silence.
"No."
"Wait, WHAT!? How can you just say no? This is our home we are talking about!" Applejack said taking up for me.
"No, this is MY home, NOW LEAVE IT!" Rarity fliped around and bucked me straight out the door into the dirt. 'Despite her lady-like physique, she's really quite strong.' I find myself saying as I land with a loud thud.
"Why the hay did you do that Rarity!?" Applejack says, taken back from what her friend had just done.
"What, you wont some too? Here you go!" Rarity kicks at the work mare, but Applejack was quick, ducking down and jumping straight into Rarity’s gut. Applejack stands up, starting to let herself out the door when Rarity suddenly jumps on her back, punching the orange pony in the lower jaw. Applejack falls to the gound as she is unable to shake the white unicorn on top as she wails on her. I finally find myself able to stand, sadly just to see my friends fighting each other. A small fire of rage builds up in me as I let out a scream.
"Stop this NOW! You two are friends and don’t need to fight like this! Rarity, I forgive you and Applejack, come with me." Applejack glanced at Rarity, her whole face in pain as she looked towards the ground. After a second, the work pony got up and shruged her shoulders as she walked back to me.
"Ah'm sorry, Twi, but she started-" I cut her off.
"It's alright AJ. If I can forgive her, so can you." Rarity gave us only moments before she turned back and went into her home. As the door was closing, I catch a glimps of her face, the tears now fresh. I could tell she had something going on, and our interruption didn't help the matter.
We both stood in the dirt just outside of Rarity's, a strange feeling of guilt washing over both of us. I look over to Applejack, her face now even more confused than before.
"Don’t worry about her Applejack, She'll come around eventually."
"I know Twi, but Ah just don't get why she would just say no like that and try bucking us out." I felt like I should have explained, but the thought didn't cross my mind twice.
"Don’t worry about it. Let's go and find Pinke Pie." We start to head towards Sugarcube Corner, but as we were starting to walk, somepony yells from behind.
"Stop!" We spin around to see Sweetie Bell galloping right toward us from the boutique.
"What is it Sweetie Bell?" I asked the tired filly.
"This is a note from Rarity. She told me to run it out here to you before you left." She said as she gasped for a quick breath of air before falling over in exhaustion. Obviously she had put ALL her energy in the short sprint to us. With excitment, I opened the note. It read as followed:
'Twilight, I am extreamly sorry for my rash behaviour. I've just been under a lot of stress lately, but if what you say is true, then you can expect to see me on the battlefield. Just tell me what you need me to do when the time comes.'
I look at Applejack with a gleam in my eye. "See, I told you it was going to be fine." I let Applejack read the note, and as she finishes, she jumps up on her hind legs, jumpong for joy.
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!”
I look at Applejack, who glances back with a sense of determination. “It's time to gather the rest of our friends, for Ah see a fight in our path, and nopony will stop us!" I chuckle at the awkward statement, the setence itself sounding just a bit unlike herself.
"Heh, I hope your right Applejack. I hope your right..."
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This makes about as much sense as a japanese clusterfuck. Which is like being high during the Willy Wonka tunnel pass scene.
However glaringly awful the premise sets out to be; I'll sum up the major points.
Pacing: Goes faster than Cheetos at a crack-house
Sidenotes about pacing: Not only does this not make sense, it's more jumpy than a hyper-active post WW2 Schizo patient
Atmosphere: Especially since we're talking about war here, IT MAKES NO SENSE. The best this comes to the grimdark is a light horror short story.
Everything else: Refer to first part of comment.
I'm not even going to read this. Your description has so much wrong with it, and I'm sure your story isn't much better.
If I may make some suggestions for your description, I suggest you write it like this: "This is a story of war and death, love and fear, power and darkness. This is a story you will want to read." That's a much more appealing description. I think you could also improve on it; your description doesn't really tell me anything about the story. It doesn't seem like there's anything that sets it apart from any other story.
Not rating your story because I didn't actually read it.
My comment to you, my friend. Though I really enjoyed editing this and making all your typographical and grammatical errors correct, I have to say that the basic plot line (If you had not told me in advance how it would turn out) makes almost no sense at all. To put it bluntly from what you have, I see in no way possible how this relates to war nor how it all intertwines. Yes, I know that it is left vauge for all us readers to make our own "assumptions", but you must understand that a bit more description and better PACING really helps us who don't quite follow what the buck is going on. The concept of the story, in my opinion, is very intresting so therefore, I want you to continue, and as such I will continue to edit as you see fit, but a slight alteration of your thought process of how the story plays out would be wonderful. The plot you have is good, but slow things down JUST A TAD so that we can understand it better. Maybe a quest intermission and more structure within sentences would allow for more breathing room. I know this is your first attempt at ANY type of writing, and what you have now is great, but it's probably just not what the majority of other ponies would like. (Your style I mean, not your story itself) Love you like a bro, and hope to edit more for you in the future my friend. 
I know that it will get better with future chapters, and I'm sure everypony realizes that the explaination WILL come, just in good time. Keep on keeping on my friend, and godspeed.
Also, the reason I didn't bring the pacing matter up was for the thought that everypony might would understand that the explanation would come later on, but appearently that wasn't the case. That was my fault, and please forgive me.
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