42
430
The old Dragon had enough of his old lair and moves to an another location.. unfortunatly it's in the near of Ponyville. what will the Mane 6 do when they see him?
the picture belongs to his rightfully owner (NOT MINE)
this is my second fanfiction i will write, hope you will like it
thanks for Mil Spec Brony for his support
Okay... let's get down to business.
First of all, you're grammar is atrocious. As in, "the summary shouldn't make me NOT want to read it" atrocious. There's a golden rule in writing. "Show, don't tell." When's the last time you read something that sounded like a movie script? A poorly written movie script, at that. The story itself isn't bad, it's the way you're going about it.
If you want to get better, here's some advice. Read something called "Ezn's guide." It has plenty of stuff about grammar and prose and things. Read a LOT of stories on this site. Not just front page stories, featured box stories. Dissect them, find what makes them good.
If this comment sounds harsh... you're not ready for the writing world.
Awesome premis i love it, i can tell that this story will be quite awesome, or just suck ass...
A few quick thougths i have, this story progress very fast a lot of thing heppend in a very short 1 k chapter, sure its the prologue so i want hold that against you but for futher chapters i whod advise to slow the story down a bit.
He (the dragon) apparently is a ice dragon thats quite unusual and i like it, and the short thing whit celestia seams interesting theres seams to be some back story there.
But lastly and most importantly i agree with>>831261 you really need to fix the grammar its what holding this story back, fix it and your golden
I really wanna see more of this. The idea of an ancient dragon sharing his life experience sounds great, plus I love his Clint Eastwood senior citizen attitude of "I don't give a f**k." I have a feeling this character will die towards the end of your story, but with an older character death seems inevitable and any emotion that comes from it will be from how other characters react to his passing. I also have a feeling that his interactions will be mostly with Spike, which will be great to see him interact with a less violent member of his species. Any problems with this fic are minor at most and don't expect to many comments till the next chapter is up because readers wanna get a feel for the tone of this story.
Peace out. I'm gonna track anyway.
Okay, I know that everyone else has said the same thing, but man, you really need to work on your grammar. Get a proofreader or something to fix it up. The mistakes aren't usually too major, mainly being the comma's, capitols, etc.
Still, getting someone to read through before you publish would really help.
Apart from that, great work, can't wait to see more.
-Jorofrarie
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2
11
41
Joined March 2012
430 ( 1,289 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
they see me trollin'
Cancel
Send