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One night, Rainbow decides to hit the club, and hang out with her friend Vinyl. They head out to the roof to take a break from partying. What happens next may change how their whole world views love... or at least their friends and family.
I would like to thank everyone who has given this story a chance. I didn't honestly expect the results that it has gotten.
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Something that might garner you a lot of hate is the fact that Vinyl has blue eyes in this fic (Her canon color is magenta). But I'm not here for that.
Okay, from a format point of view, it's good; characters each have their own separate paragraphs for talking and each paragraph has a line between it so the reader doesn't get the 'Wall of Text' syndrome. You can do away with the indents however, as your readers would probably have an easier time reading without them.
Pacing; pacing pacing pacing. This chapter was very fast, only a small amount of details were added into the story it seems. Also, the progression of the scenes felt off key; at the snap of a finger a new scene took place, lasting only a short while until it ended. My advice; add more details, describe the environment around them, the sounds in the air, the smells of the club, etc. Adding details will help lengthen your fic and increase the length of scenes to fit better together.
Simply describing the trip up the stairs as 'We stepped into the hallway, and took the stairs to the roof.' is boring and lasts for a second, while adding to it will increase value. Is the hallway a tad dirty from it being a club? Is it illuminated well? How easy is it for them to get up the stairs after dancing? What's the roof like? Is it flat and open? Crowded with vents? Asking these question to yourself and then answering them in the story can help immerse a reader into your universe. 'We stepped into the dim hallway, touching a hand to a wall as we slowly climbed up the stairs, careful not to trip and fall. As we finally got to the roof I started feeling a few aches from all the dancing we had just done, but the view of the stars above still took my breath away.' Same sentence in essence (With the small addition of the next sentence of the stars) but much more interesting to the reader.
Also, your actions and conversations are along the lines of 'X leads to Y that turns into Z'. You move from one action to the next rigidly, your conversations acting the same. Give more life into each action and conversation, don't be robotic in the delivery.
Anyways, enough of the harshness. I enjoyed the fic, it was short and sweet, but it does have a lot more potential then what it currently holds.
835046- no, I know her eyes are supposed to be red, i'll explain why they're blue probably in the next few chapters.
835072- thanks for the advice. usually i write much smoother, but i wrote this at like 1 am, and i was really nervous. i'll probably go back and edit it today, since our power was out last night, along with 3/4 of the tri-state...
i'm glad that you all seem to genuinely like it. i just hope i managed to keep rainbow in character. see, i'm a lot like her, so i knew how she should act, but i also know way too many "fancy" words, so i worried that might slip out.
That was really good
835408 Thank you kindly, ma'am. You should check again, I just edited it, and it's much better. well, the first chapter. i saw your comment, and i had to respond. someone comments or pm's me, and i try to answer right away.
feel free to offer criticism. it really does help.
yay new chapter
837071 ill try to update daily. If I miss a day, I'll.try to post two chapters.
I personally think the last chapter was best, and i'd like to hear from eveyone else which was their favorite.
837103 dont try upload daily it would be nice and cool but that may put some strain upon yourself and reflect on your writing which would be a shame
837115. Nah, its cool. I've been writing these chapters every night, and editing in the morning. Honestly, if I can't post every day, I go crazy. So, its no problem.
837162 lol its like me, if i cant get my HiE fic addiction fed or my fallout crossover fed i go mental lol
835072
What exactly defines canon? Canon DJ Pon3, in this case. According to Hasbro she's a yellow unicorn with magenta eyes, but... well. We named her. We characterized her. They basically created the barest model of the pony who would one day become Vinyl Scratch, but the community is the one who actually MADE Vinyl Scratch. Considering this, I don't think Hasbro gets to dictate her colorings (her coat is as white as Rarity's, anyone with eyes can see that). Maybe she's yellow with magenta eyes in Hasbro canon, but the fandom canon is that she's a white unicorn with red eyes.
And what was the point of insisting she's yellow with magenta eyes anyway? Why not just canonize her without fucking up the original characterization? These things baffle me, really they do.
837347. Well, its not quite HiE, but I sincerely hope reading my story gives you even the smallest fraction of the joy I get from writing it.
As it is, I'm writing another chapter now.
837670 thats what i like about your story, its not HiE i needed a break from the super fucking sad and wacky crossovers (and other things) i read, its nice to have a break
well, new chapter! hope you like it.
I want to apologize to any of you who don't like a weepy Vinyl, but think about how hard it would be to believe you were so lucky. it would probably make you a little emotional too. don't worry though, the crying bits are over. I think.
Good so far longer chapter's would be awesome tho
841563. That's what I was worried about. I thought they might've been too long. Glad to hear that.
New Chapter! Almost didn't think I would get it done today.(Mom decided to make me do summer reading.
)
oh well, it's done now! hope you like it!
sorry it's so short, I'll add more later.
not bad so far. keep up the good work
I was waiting for someone to call me out on the references I made in the last couple of chapters.
866009 Final Fantasy is it not??? I was thinking the same thing as I read this. Great story by the way, definately desevres more views. Looking forward to seeing more of this
.
881539. Ding Ding Ding!We have a winner!
Also, sorry about the wait, I haven't been able to get to a 'puter the last couple of days. I'll try to have a new chapter by the end of the week.
897904 Ahh, no rush there dude. It's good to have a bit of a break, lets people remember just how awesome the story is when it updates.
zaczac111 is right you should listin to him
like the story so far, can't wait until the next chapter
na i love the story
yup
cool
you stoped with the pony talk
927894. What part do you mean? Today's is a little rushed because I only had an hour to write it. Sorry.
good story i made one but everyone hated it and told me it suck or i should kill my self for making crap it made me cry for one hour
932116. I'm sorry to hear that. Some people on here can be real nasty and awful spiteful. Your story probably just had a few mistakes,is all. All you need is a good editor. Any story can be spiffied up a little, and it'll shine.
They were probably just jealous that you put your work out, knowin' that it may not have been so good. You oughta try again, and get an editor this time. You talk to my friend bookplayer, or try Gallifrey. I'm sure they can help ya find somebody. If I weren't swamped myself, I'd edit it. As it is, I can barely get out a new chapter every week. 
"Yeah, we're okay. I can't stay mad at you anyway. You're my mom." I rubbed her back, something that everyone seems to do hen they hug someone.
I think you meant when other than that keep dishing these out, love them!
933158. Thanks. I'm glad you like them. I'll go change that now.
"looks at tags, says human" in the chapter Rainbow Dash has wings, where did the wings come all of the sudden? Cause I dont see them in any of the other chapters.
947825 I decided to go more anthro with it. I've edited up to mid-Chapter 6. If you read the other ones again, it should be fixed. Sorry about that.
I have to wonder why Vinyl didn't react at all to Dash's outburst at the intersection. She was pretty unsure and insecure about how people would react to them and then Dash throws her into the spotlight? I was expecting Vinyl to be a little ticked off, but there is no mention about how she dealt with it.
Dude I would totally play Devil May Care
1159615
you know, you're right. i'll have to work on that. i completely missed that.
(and everyone's reaction- dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png )
nice, but short.
Wow, an update after a 3 month break
. Been waiting for this one for a while.
1461339
so sorry that it took this long. Freshman year, and marching band, it kinda takes up all of your time.
anyway, hope you like the chapter. i'll try to develop more later. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png
Nice chapter bro!!
1605667
Thanks. I was kind of worried that I had overdone it a little, but then I just decided to give up and write. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
1610829Overdone?
WHO'S BEEN FEEDING YOU THOSE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
awesome story, but were the Final Fantasy 7 references needed? Lol!
OH MY GOD, YES!!!!!! UPDATEE!!
Daww, how sweet!
I've been waiting for ever for this! Vinyl is so girly, and adorable and, so is Dash!
1864063 I kind of modeled them after myself, and my best friend. I figured that was the best way to come up with a story that felt real.
1862514 Thank you, I have warm fuzzies now. It's nice to know somebody likes my story. And keep on writing, you're not bad.
1868728That...means...the world coming from you!
! Thanks a ton!
1868914 It's no problem. I'm not really a writing god yet, like Church or Bookplayer, but I'm glad you think that highly of me. It means a lot, to have even one fan. Have a mustache, for being so awesome.