Well, it seems you've got the story in mind. That I'll leave alone and up to you. My suggestion is to space out your dialogue, and explain who's speaking a bit more. Also, space out the story itself. As it stands, it's a "wall of text." Possibly look into getting a proofreader to help you, if you think that's best.

In any case, keep at it and I'm sure you'll improve. Keep it classy.

>>830854830854

I know, the "Wall of Text" is my biggest Problem if i write in English

About the Who tells.. yea i love it if you have to think a bit about the story, so you not let it slip off your mind so easily.

This is also my first Story and my first Clopfic. I wanted to start with the Nastier Parts first originally, but i thought this would´nt be as great as a big-style story.

Thank you for reading and critisize(? is that the right way of writing the Word ?)  Hope you liked it.

T.S. - Over and out