Wow, you have a good long story there! And I thought MINE was long!

>>6635066350 Thank you! It is taking a lot of work to write and still many many more chapters to go yet! I have put a lot of time and thought into it

Oh my lord... Great writing, but some of the things you said hurt... a lot... Some of your weapon choices weren't the best, seeing as russia is now a fascist community, they wouldn't be using the SICKLE and hammer (Sorry you called it a scythe), because that was the communist symbol. Also, they are going for world domination they would only use russian arms, so they would not be using the Heckler & Koch UMP .45, and would probably stick to the AK variant weapons. They would also be using more... russian vehicles. AtavoVAZ would be a good choice, but I have my doubts seeing as 20% of it is owned by the French (How ironic huh) Kamaz, Gaz, or anything along those lines.

My second issue is that your particular weapon choices show... Inexperience with weapons. I am in no way saying that you ARE inexperienced with weapons, I am just saying that picking weapons that are commonly found in Call of Duty, and using weapon systems that have no use in the situation that your sending your troops in. Take Vipers M4A1, which isn't compatible with a Silencer to my knowledge HOWEVER he could have used the GI M4, which is pretty much the same weapon just a couple added features, including a suppressor attachment. Most of the M series weapons are built exactly the same, to allow for easy switch out between the systems. The M249 squad automatic weapon is going out of service soon due to its HORRIBLE reliability reviews, such as the bullets not making it out of the barrel, its insane amount of weight, and the amount of ammo you need to have to use the damn thing. Defiantly not a weapon you would use if your going for the whole SpecOp infiltration merc team, and it just doesn't have stopping power. It uses a measly 5.56 which has little to no stopping power and is really just used to keep peoples heads down and it just really isn't all that accurate either.

My final issue was the helicopter. I know your going for the whole "I don't give a fuck I do what I want to my equipment" Kinda feel there for the helicopter, pink and flames? along with shit written all over it? The second that thing get spotted, EVERYONE knows what your helicopter looks like and you would have a REAL hard time remaining a secret "We don't get caught" kinda team with a helicopter that sticks out like a sore thumb. I know this is supposed to be a comedy, and I really like the comedic relief that Liam brings, but some of the hings (Like the helicopter) jus scream overkill and that your just trying to hard, and you don't want the readers to think your trying to hard.

I had a few issues with how the characters dialog went, like using term such as "lol" and other chat slang terms, along with 4 unarmed "Civilians" taking out several FBI agents, which I couldn't figure out if they were French or American (I am assuming American) But if they were american hen they would have to go through the American Government to get rainbowdash back but I'm just gonna leave all that alone.

Please remember that this is a critique and your not supposed to like it, but thats really my job and I only wish to see your writing improve when it comes to general realism. I'll make another one of these in a few more chapters if I see anything else that I would like to correct, and will give you ideas on what you could replace said issues with but in the end it is your choice to accept my advice. I could NEVER write a Fan-Fic die to lack of time, and the inability to write for more than one character, but I try to critique as much as possible and it never really is meant to be insulting and I am in no way intending to insult you, so please keep that in mind.  

>>8833488334 I appreciate the thoughts :) The Helicopter is for comedic relief :) also the French Government have final say in my story seeing as they lead the UN in this. I'm just gonna clarafy that for everyone :) And yes, the Russians do mostly use AK's but you must remember... it wouldn't be easy to smuggle them into england so they would have used smaller and easier to hide weapons :P Just a thing I considered when I wanted them to ambush Courage in London, however I can see your point :) And about the Sythe hammer thing... I'll fix that Straight away :) Thank you for you time ^_^

Alright... Heres for my second critique... Do you have something against physics? Because a Lamborghini does NOT handle well at all, and unless you had some magic tires that had zero grip while having steel spikes in bedded into them, you would NOT have been able to hit a icy mountain U-turn and survive. I know that I am bitching at a lot of things that your writing, but I only really bring them up if the ruin my immersion within the story.

Also with the sun roof thing... Yea, sure it sounds awesome but unless you unclipped your board and re-stabilized yourself, THEN managed to work your 6'2" 175lbs body (The norm for spec op soldiers) to fit through a 1'6" by about 2'6" opening, while both point A (Where you are) and point B (were the car window is) are moving withOUT breaking some bones? I'm sorry but that pulled me RIGHT out of the story and beat me with a good solid reality check cause you can't just do that... And again I am being a little bitchy, but you have to think about what will pull someone out from under the water that is your story, while there enjoying a nice swim (Jeezy metaphor)

Final think I have a SERIOUS issue with is... DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN RPG-7 WOULD DO TO A TANK!!!! Ok, a lot of people have this idea that the RPG is this piece of shit primitive rocket launcher where its only claim to life is having a large explosion and being robust as hell but it isn't. A gun with half a CENTURY of service under its belt HAS to have a reason for it and this is that very reason... How the insides of the RPG is. When an RPG hits a surface it lets of an explosion yes, but that explosion is behind a copper cone and this is what that copper cone does. When the explosion goes off, the cone turns into a semi liquid pile of goo, and the force of the explosion solidifies it into a spike, which has yes to have an armor type (except the cage) that can stop it from going through like a needle through thread. This spike ruins the structural integrity of the armor (Just like if you windshield has a crack in it, you need to get it fixed) and the force of the explosion will pretty much open you up like a tin can. Yea... The RPG-7 is not something you just wanna say "Made a direct hit, but just made a dent" or some people are gonna look at you funny.

Please remember that I am not putting you down, I am trying to make the general immersion of your story much better. Many good writers spend hours researching things that they are going to put into there book, just so that they won't get called out by people like me. You continue to have great writing, and there are more things that I would say is good than bad but telling you the good gets you no where sadly so the bad is the best thing to use for learning. Keep up the great writing :D  

Alright so I have a few things to add to me critique (Sorry I just wanna help you be a good writer) but its for this chapter specifically.

Alright so the super soldier had 3 problems and those were its weapons. I know that this is futuristic (set in 2019 if I remember correctly) but the weapons had some flaws too it. A chain gun is a weapon that flack artillery uses so I am going to assume your talking about a Gatling/Minigun. So the Minigun uses a 7.62mm round and fires at a rate of 2000 to 6000 RPM. I am going to assume that you have a payload to sustain 2 minutes of continuous fire at about... 2000 RPM just to be nice. That would mean you have to carry 4000 rounds, that each weigh 8.00 grams each. That would mean you are carrying 32000 grams which will turn into about 70 pounds rounding to the nearest 10. You would have to hold that in a armored backpack so after doin some quick research, I learned that the set for a hand held minigun plus a linkless belt fed backpack with 1000 rounds would weigh 65 pounds all together. Then there's the power source which is 2 car batteries which weigh in at 60 pounds so that 125lbs all together just to hold a battle ready mini gun. The force of recoil for a weapon that fires about 1000 RPM is 11Kg or about 24 lbs. your man is carrying this thing in one hand... If its a human no matter HOW STRONG he is he will spin around like a top and spray down the whole room.

Then theres the flame thrower. I am going to be using the M2 Flamethrower as an example here. It weighed 68 pounds when full, and the fire rate was half a gallon in a second, with 2 gallons of fuel and 1 tank of nitrogen. alright so adding up the weight of the minigun thats about 190lbs rounding to the nearest 10. Thats all I really need to say about that to be honest with you so next weapon.

The rockets are a BIG problem... The ONLY man portable rocket pod system that I could find was that Fliegerfaust, and that was a WWII unguided StA missile launcher that used 20mm rockets. The entire system was about 1.5 meters long and only effective at 500m (perfectly acceptable for what you are using it for) but it needed a barrel of at least a meter long to fire accurately, and also needed a breach. a wrist mounted rocket pod would hardly be a grenade so when you shot something with it, it wouldn't do much AoE damage, and with needing your wrist to flex, it would be inaccurate as hell, and probably hurt the user with a muzzle velocity of 350FpS. It would also have to weight about 5 pounds give or take me being really nice and then you have your armor which weighs a shit tonne but I'm not gonna get into that!

I know I may seem because I am the only one really bitching, but if there were a few more poeple like me on here, the quality of writing on this site would be tremendous and again I am only trying to help. still great writing, and remember I only bring something up if it ruins my immersion.  

I am glad you are taking my bitching with stride :D I in no means intend to put you down again and after my most recent critique I really had no issues. a few times I had to remind myself that this was futuristic, but that was at my own fault an not yours. Wonderful writing :D

Oh and please note I said AK variant weapons. The AK47 is a large motherfucker, but the AK74-u is a much smaller weapon that uses a 5.56 round. It could be very easily smuggled and if I do remember correctly is smaller than the UMP .45 and fucks up targets way harder XD

The super soliders [Spolier Alert!!] are magically enhanced by Trixie's power as you will find out later when Courage is forced to fight more of them on Trixie's personal ship :) I didn't want this to realistic, I just wanted it to be awesome and enjoyed by the reader :) The main aim was that people would actually put themselves in Courage's place as like a fantasy thing :) You've also got to remember is that Courage is telling the story in a way HE thought it happened so I can over exadurate some things... for entertainments sake

Yea, without that understanding of what has been happening to the soldiers, that made no real sense to me. Again keeping immersion is a hard thing, but sometimes simplicity is the trick. I would have felt Courage's fear a lot more if the man was wielding a minigun with explosive rounds and blades on his forearms. That is completely doable, and that minigun would be much more effective than all three of those weapons, while achieving the same goal. There are just ideas remember but the human mind is to complex to actually like complex looking things. Remember, big weapons look awesome, but quickly become cluttered and unseemly to the minds eye because people would use images they already have in place to think. Flamethrowers and miniguns are much to big to look good being wielded by an 8'0" man, one in each hand. Also, you could have weakened the soldiers slightly and had maybe two soldiers instead of one. That would bring a higher sense despair for the character, and keep the reader in immersion which allows the reader to feel the characters feelings. I am just giving you ideas of what I think would help keep immersion a little, and I hope you understand that I hardly ever say anything unless I know, and I mean KNOW that its wrong XDI spent quite the amount of time on google just making sure what I was saying was correct.

If you ever wish me to stop critiquing you however I will gladly stop if you were to tell me to.

>>9309593095 You can feel free to continue but I must warn you it will most likely be in Vein. I will not change the current chapter since it would ruin cannon and Trust me.... I ain't never writing a story like this again :P

You are a very good writer, and I never Intended for you to change your story (aside from the sickle and hammer, I was hoping you would change that), I only tell you this for future stories and I would LOVE if you were to continue writing! Your very good at coming up with very interesting plot and I do this in hopes of that when you write another story (as I do hope you will) you will keep me and my words in mind so as to improve your ability to maintain immersion. Please do continue writing for if I did not see hope in your writing I would not have even bothered giving this critique and would not have read/ continue to wait to read the end of this story. You are an amazing writer you just had a few issues with facts, thats all.

>>9359793597 I didn't think myself as even remotely good as a writer. Thanks for saying otherwise. I MAY consider writing more stories seeing as many people want to see more of my ideas but to be honest it is too much work and people are constantly on my back for the next chapter. I do appraciate what your doing though :) It's good to actually have some Negitive (Not in a bad way) feedback :) Allows me too see my mistakes and consider those points in the future chapters :)

yes the constant nagging is a bitch, but you just have to ignore that. I find giving yourself a week, but having a half a week lay over would be a good idea and gives you more time to write

RIGHT THERE! That was BRILLIANT! I was thoroughly scared of that super soldier! I was a touch disappointed that no REAL combat happened but I was defiantly nervous when it showed up! Also, nice job taking a sorta halo twist XD I shall die for Lord Discord, Heretic VS I shall die for the Covenant you heretic! XD It wasn't bad, I liked the twist to be honest and having it be a girl was good as well.

My problem however is that Jets don't usually have dog fights going 3000mph... seeing as the g forces would cause them turning to have them crushed. then jumping out of the aircraft... at that speed... Would again turn him into a splatter of blood on the side of the ship because of newtons laws. An object at speed will remain in speed until an object of equal or greater mass stops it. So yea... courage SHOULD be dead by laws of nature but I'll leave that alone XD

>>9492494924 The Co-Pilot was just exadurating :P I was going to have him say 300 but I figued an extra '0' would show his concern :)

makews sense, but other than that BRILLIANT chapter! I have a feeling your taking what I say to heart

well I certianly didn't see that one coming O_O definately one of the biggest twists in the story considering nearly all the originals are now dead and things really do look like the end definately looking forward to how events follow :-D

>>104026104026 Yes. Well it's not over yet! ;D

dead parents and later on he finds rainbow dash? reminds me of MLD

seems like it might be a good read though, time to continue on with story

I love how this is Cobra's story yet its being changed due to small facts such as which gun is used... last i check fiction is something made up correct? so why dose it matter if he decides that there is a dog fight going 3000 mph its made up fiction doesn't need to make sense it just has to entertain....

much support for SOW Cobra.

peace out....

Can you dance?

>>121689121689 erm... what?

NOOOO NOT HIM

Ehhh.... The battle suits.... Ah fuck it -.-

>>107023107023 MLD?

>>122764122764 My Little Dashie

It's seargent and Roger

>>123884123884 Ah screw it. Cba with it today. With College, audio books and the story itself, I do not have the time or the patience I'm sure people will manage

>>121727121727 Dance can you do it

Rainbow Dash BETTER NOT DIE

interesting...

I hope Pinkie isn't dead or Liam

this is so fucking KICK ASS

>>127030127030 Thank you I worked so very hard on it. I really hope you enjoy the rest of it

AMERICA FUCK YEAH

can't wait for the next chapter

>>128608128608 Could upload it tomorow if you like I'm a few chapters ahead so I don't see a problem with that

Well, I finally caught up,  4 straight hours :D

very nice story you've got here ;P

>>129316129316 Very quick reader... or I'm a very slow writer xD Well either way, I'm glad you like it Another chapter tonight!

FIRST Also I can't wait for the next chapter

Then BLARGH

>>131019131019 Why are you so Random?

at the final line it should be kick because kicked is a past tense word

Other than that brilliant

>>135046135046 Lol Whoops I'll fix that now

This is epic I can't wait for the next chapter

>>135481135481 Your quite the fan arn't you I'm glad your enjoying it. New chapter on wensday

Quite good, but i felt it got out of hand.

i'm writing one, any suggestions in righting styles?

>>137674137674 Erm... suggestions? No :P I'm not actually any good at writing so I don't want to risk giving out any advice

Hmm, A warp drive in atmosphere would cripple your ships... think about it, the only thing that is different from travelling really fast (faster than speed of light if it's warp speed) and entering atmosphere, and entering space the same way is that  upon entering the atmosphere your ship would burn up like a meteor, going faster than the speed of light...

On the other hand, what you could do is pull a Halo, and drop a dud nuke a few hundred thousand kilometers from where your actually leaving, and the nukes radiation will flare out so hard that it would be imPOSSIBLE to hide on any censors.  

You have to remember, your messing with theoretical physics here XD A hyper-drive is not moving through some weird slipstream in space, it is in fact this real simple thing.

Your engines move you at near the speed of light, and the hyperdrive moves space around YOU at near the speed of light, causing you to go faster than the speed of light. Hope that helps

>>139462139462 "Hyperdrives are devices which allow ships to break the light-speed barrier, enabling interstellar and in some cases intergalactic travel. They function by taking the vessel into hyperspace, where normal physical laws that would prevent faster-than-light travel do not apply" and "A hyperdrive allows a vessel to open a subspace window and move into hyperspace. In this manner, a ship can cross vast distances without experiencing relativity" <----- Atmosphere's will not affect Hyperspace travel in anyway Maybe a bit of turbulance when they exit sub-space but the ship will pass straight through the atmosphere in subspace without feeling anything (because sub space is a different level of space itself ) Everything stated in this comment may not be physically possible but in my story this is how Hyper-drives work

>>130304130304 very quick reader ;P

cool! :D (too lazy to login)

>>140720140720 Fair enough

I can't wait for the next chapter

>>140766140766 Is that all you fucking say or something

I like Liam

lol someone get courage a happy meal that'll sort it all out and he'll be amused by the toy for agessssss

Not bad! A few errors, but not bad at all!

I have actually been planning on making a crossover fic aswell, involving a team of US Special Forces who, during WWIII, stumble upon what appears to be a experimental weapon. They press the wrong button (Tech Guy Fail) and get sent to another dimension ..... Thats all I have XD

can't wait for next chapters

I'm not looking forward to the next chapters

corage's kidney will be found on ebay at the end and know that i have said it it must be canon

First

Good story but you have typos

This was very good.

SWEET SEMEN OF BABY ARNIE HE DIDN'T SAY CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!!!

but yeah cool chapter brah XD <3 lol duckface

Very good writing as I have been saying this whole time my only real problem with the last few chapters is that he is running around with a broken neck... Now I dont care WHAT steroids or drugs your on a human cannot go through what courage is hoping through and still be alive, it's just not possible. Every explosion would make the would worse and worse until it either killed or very least paralyzed him... I am also getting the feeling that you are rushing through the chapters as you go now, and I don't really like that. If it is going to take you a day or two to get the chapter down then take it, don't rush to make a daily update because your stories flow will suffer from it. Where is all the detail I was getting before when you had fights like these? The entire space section was a WONDERFUL place to have as a chapter of it's own, he'll if you think your good enough you can make a single battle a chapter of it's own! Just have to keep the action going at a REALISTIC pace. Sorry it's just the last person I gave that advice too took it as have millions of missiles and mortars and then 100 tank come after a single man and make him survive but I know you won't do that! Because if you did I would have to dig a very deep hole and throw your creative writing privledge into it and fill it in with cement... Anyway have a very nice day ^.^

>>160378160378 Chapter 31 is all I'm gonna say ;) Chapter 31 is complete and is infact just one huge battle :D and chapter 30 is pretty damn good aswell :) Don't worry. Things will get much better ;) I just don't have a nick for descibing space battles

>>160378160378 As for the neck thing. Even Fluttershy said that Courage should be dead. Lets just leave it at 'His suit maintained stable vitals of the wound and that he is one lucky son of a bitch'

>>161229161229 so that bring the count of how meny times courage should of died to 5

>>164406164406 Not that many That's like the only time....

YOU DO NOT HURT FLUTTERSHY AND GET AWAY WITH IT

>>166993166993 at lease courage went into a rage and ripped the creatures to shreads

lolololololololol crippled XD

gaahhhh when will this come to an ending its so long

>>167541167541 It's coming close now. Just a few more chapters :)

Spelling mistakes like tied instead of tried and alot more of wrong spellings

where the fuck did you get that LMG? Hammer Space or some shit?

>>168150168150 He had it on him for a while but didn't mention it. It's a lot like an emergeny fire procedure. It's there but everyone chooses to ignore it xD

WHYS YOUR HEAD A PLUM!!!

>>173084173084

Image: http://pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132676782863.jpg

>>173084173084 You are sooo random MLP Nash

Can i has cookie

Previously:

Fluttershy: Be careful Courage

Courage: Ok

This chapter

Courage gets thrown over there and here and there and everywhere and explosions going off everywhere to

Courage: Lol you mad fluttershy!

GAH WHY

WHY YOU STOP NOW

>>184274184274 Don't worry. Next chapter will be out in a few hours. I'm working non-stop all night on it to get it out as soon as possible. Don't worry fans. I plan to finish the book before the end of the weekend But if I crash out and fail to upload, please forgive me I've been doing a shit tone of College work, theory revision and the book itself along with editing my friends fan fic. I'm working very hard to keep up so please just give me a little more time Thank you all for your support and comments and everything. Some of you are clearly fans of the book and I'm glad you have enjoyed it

>>184365184365 i understand what its like even thought im in 6th grade

Notice to all: the next chapter won't be up for a while. I know I said before the weekend finished but I'm mentally strained and I just can't find the time or energy to get it finished. Hopefuly it'll be done before next weekend but I'm not making any promises

HURRY UPPPP

>>194139194139 Tomorow It'll be up... I Pinkie Promise that Tomorow I will release the last chpater

Wow, russian and chinese always have to be evil, aren't they?

You american fools!

>>195330195330 I feel evil is a strong word... more like... very patriotic

+ I'm english lol I love the Russia

WAAAAAAAAAAAIT!:

Video game reference list:

Cod

Halo

Battlefield(open warfare)

Crisis (suit)

Just cause (vehicle jumping)

Captain America (Large suits with chainginz and shizzz)

Megaman (big ass boss)

A whole ton of others

This entire story is mostly video games based...............................

Y U NO INCLUDE GOOD GAME REFERENCES

QUAKE (nailgun or BFG 10K)

DOOM (BFG 9000! or the unmaker!)

DUKE NUKEM (shrink ray or frezze gun or the DUAL DEVASTATORS!!!)

SERIOUS SAM (CANNONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! or the lasergun)

BLOOD (Tesla cannon or napalm launcher)

STRIFE (mauler or the sigil!)

anyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

but all in all the story was actually good

>>196209196209 Halo, CoD, and Need for Speed are the only referances I can see I've never even played most of those games Most of my ideas are original... I don't play many games that are not Horror survival. Admittedly I did take a few ideas from Halo and Stargate but that's about it... oh and the spike strip from Need for Speed Hot Pursuit but thats a very small detail

the end good story

they way you ended it makes it sound like that your making a sequel. Are you?

>>197500197500 FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! SEQUEL TIME MOTHA FUCKERS WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!1!!! lol jk, but i hope he does, that would be sweet

this was the best fanfic i have ever read, and a great ending for it. liam is a fucking BAWS. you need to write a sequel. will you have my babies?

>>197872197872 A sequel? Wasn't planning on one but prehaps I will if it is in such high demand

I have enjoyed writing this book very much!! and I really thank you all for your feedback and support I'm absolutely delighted that you guys loved it You guys are AWESOME!

P.S Erm.... Sure? I'll have your babies

the count of how meny times courage should of died to ITS AN OVER USED INTERNET MEME

Nice ending......... WOHO!

and perfect reading music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5JqLwyI70w