I like to write grim dark. Every now and then there may be some questionable content but you will know if there is.
A story of Pinkie Pie fighting the monster within her. Having a nightly war to face this creature, only person that knows is Luna, she is much to afraid to tell her friends. Last time they caught a glance at this thing they freaked out and was scared of the depression that surrounded it. Will she win, or will she lose, causing all her friends to become into great danger...
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This story isn't even written in the 2nd Person, mon amie. And even besides that, you might want to lengthen the story, get an editor or two, and change up the idea so it's a bit more original.
Your idea is a good one. The concept of a good person, or mare in this case, battling their inner darkness is a theme found throughout fiction. I agree with NotSoWickedWitch in that this could be something really good if you expanded and lengthened the story. And most importantly, got yourself an editor. You have more than a few grammatical and structure errors that take away from what you're trying to do.
I look forward to seeing how you go forward from here.
7850637 Hey I am actually working on getting an editor, and working on a second chapter of from perspectives of Twilight. Plan to do all the friends. I wanted to get my mom to edit because she did go college for English major. But unfortunately my mother would take one look at the scary aspect of this and see to it that my horror movies are revoked. So working on finding a proper editor, hoping to have next chapter out by Monday.
7850896 Awesome! I know myself that an editor looking at your stuff makes a huge difference. I average 30-40 errors found by my editors per chapter I write, and that's AFTER I search for errors myself, twice.
A good start.
Rainbow Dash is two words.
Don't capitalize the line that comes after the quotes for dialog.
Can't Twilight teleport?
And keep them in place with her magic
8100164 Yes your friend was just turned into a demon. First thought is freeze her!