Who am I? Awesome? No, I just tell myself that to hide the truth. I'm scum. Air Whip looks up to me like any pony does. Only difference is, Air Whip is my little sister. She's two years younger than me and doesn't have a cutie mark and was born with a deformed wing. My parents don't like talking about her, they used to tell me it was because they didn't want her to be bullied, now I see they were just ashamed. So, who am I? A big sister who wants to give her sister what she deserves, freedom.
Chapters (1)
should be a comma. My Sister, Air Whip
Good story... I have to say that I wasn't expecting that, you did well, have a like
This story has some good potential, but ultimately there are some issues in the writing itself that bog it down. A lot of it seems to just be written like a stream of consciousness, jumping from idea to idea without a smooth thought process. You also have some inconsistencies here and there, such as tense:
You're using present tense in the first sentence, then using past tense in the next one. Format-wise you also have some inconsistencies with indenting and putting spaces between paragraphs. No one format is correct, though you want to be consistent throughout the work. One other thing is that you're including a lot of detail which is good, but sometimes just isn't needed:
Unless those things in the kitchen mean something to her (i.e. "I used to help Air Whip climb onto the table and I'm remembering that so that's why I'm pointing out the table because it's significant to me"), you really don't need to be including all of that extra detail; just saying "On the right was the kitchen" would suffice, because most people will put all those details into their mental image upon being told a kitchen's there.
Overall though, not a bad story. A really good characterization of Rainbow Dash that shows her loyalty and closeness to her sister, and even though it needs some cleaning up, it's just a lot of surface-level stuff. Nothing a good editor can't fix.
7644200 Thank you so much for pointing this out! Admittedly, I was unaware of this because I stayed up for two nights previous developing the story and just wanted it published. I will fix these mistakes right away and I am thankful you told me about this, otherwise I would be unaware as I said.
7644177 I'm glad you liked it!
7644163 Dashes basically work the same as commas, I can see how that would be confusing but trust me, it's grammatically correct.
Neat story, you get a cookie.
7/10
7644399 It's not but ok
... So it affects 70% of pegasi? Huh.
7644399
Sort of. Being technically correct is hardly ever really correct. In this case, the em dash is generally more emphatic or abrupt, like a sudden insertion within an already being spoken sentence. Commas denote a more level tone, which is what you want for this title.
As an aside, parenthesis, which are in with the other two, are used kind of like a whisper, or under the breathe. Like, "John ate the last piece of cake (and the four before that)." The last bit would be mumbled.
Fun!
This is a very good one-shot.
I'm guessing this is a mistake? Because it honestly made it hard to concentrate on the rest story.
Just like 70% of entire the pegasus population?
7647870 I pictured it like a teen's wing on an adult. Or a baby's wing on a foul. The size of her wing is significant enough for her to never fly. I know perfectly well what the wings of a Pegasus looks like.
7655882
That's... Not what I was saying. "Seven out of ten" means 70%. Which would mean that the majority of pegasus ponies suffer from this condition. Which would make no sense whatsoever. Which is why I'm guessing it was a mistake.
7655910 It wasn't a mistake, I assure you. The numbers were meant to be high so that the reader could see that it really wasn't a huge deal, it's a common thing that happens, but the parents didn't accept it because it happened to them. They had to live with the fact that their daughter wasn't perfect wasn't what a pegasus should look like. So, they did what they thought needed to happen, forget she existed so that they would have to face the fact that their daughter was different.
7655983
That's just it. She's not different. She's literally normal if only 30% of pegasi are born with fully working wings. At that point it's not just relatively common, it's the norm. She's the majority, while there's only a small percentage of healthy pegasi. It... really doesn't work. Especially when there's not even any other pegasus with a deformed wing in the story, which statistically is pretty much impossible.
7656157
The reason I didn't put another pegasus in the story like Air Whip is because their parents hate them so much. Before Air Whip, both of their blood lines were full of pegasi with regular wings. So to put one in their life and have it be their daughter, was just enough to show how terrible the parents are to her. That does not mean that there are no more like Air Whip, they are just irrelevant to the story. I put Air Whip as the majority to show the parallel to the way gays are in the real world. There are gay people coming out more and more. And more people with homophobia are trying to stop this from happening, but they are still out numbered. And homophobic parents treat their gay children as crap. Now place that analogy in this story, but instead of Air Whip Hiding who she is from her parents, her disability is for the whole world to see. But neither her or Rainbow Dash treats it like a disability, only her parents do. The fact that 70% of pegasi have this disability is not really important to the story. The point is, that the parents knew how common it is, and still treated her like crap for it. Like it was Air Whip's fault she was like this. That is why the numbers are so high. That is why I didn't place another pagasus like Air Whip in the story. That is why I made the parents like they are. That is why I made Rainbow Dash and Air Whip like they are in the story.
Do you understand now??
Parent who treat their Children like Rainbow & Air Whip's Parents treated little Air, have in my opinion at least absolutely NO right or business calling themselves Parents at all.
As for Rainbow's emotional breakdown in town after finding her Sister after being apart for so long, she failed / let her Sister down she knows it. Plus it shows that she seriously regrets it. The fact that Rainbow loves her Sister definitely shows in how she keeps saying / thinking "She Made It" in regards to her Sister Air Whip. I may be stating the obvious & in fact I definitely am when I say, Rainbow Dash is extremely proud of her Sister Air Whip.
Awesome job on your Story. ?
7671488 Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it and picked up on what I was putting down, though it was quite obvious as you pointed out. I'm glad to see the passion you feel for this story and in the characters I put in them. Especially the break down scene, which was the hardest to make believable, and I think I could have added a little more, but I am wonderfully supersized that you enjoyed it.
7671625 ;) You are most certainly welcome & honestly I am a bit surprised myself as I am usually not that observant. Oh well you learn something new everyday I guess. :)
A truly emotional piece.... the family ties are either incredibly strong or weak, and it's shown beautifully. The pacing could use a little work, but the abrupt way Air rejected Dash was very well done. I enjoyed the way they made up, as well, and I hope everything goes well for them in the future...
Good job!
Despite being good enough to fave, it feels like there should be one more scene near the end, yet I have no idea what that scene should be.
8088138 If you figure it out, please tell me!! I'd like to know your thoughts!!
After rereading it, here's what I think the story is missing:
A scene where RD introduces Air Whip to the others outside of Fluttershy.
8148964 That would have been nice, wouldn't it? But given the situation, it would have been a little inappropriate.
Plus, she didn't even know Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash just talked about her all the time!
I like the idea, it's great story development and character building, but the situation never really calls for it...
sorry...
8149751 Eh, it's okay.
Maybe this story should get a sequel where circumstances allow the 5 of them to meet her.
Just a thought.
8149758 As I have stated before, this story is finished. i was not planning on writing a sequel for this fic. But I give you permission to use my character in a situation that allows her to meet the rest of the main 6, just give me credit for the character.