King Aurthur of the Taledine Empire is transported to Equestria due to a wormhole generator malfunction. Aurthur has trouble fixing his ship in a world where their technology is millennia behind what he has. And there is a whole new discipline of magic to master. Seriously, who would not want to learn another discipline of magic?
I will be answering any questions anyone may have in the comments, but only if doing so will not be a spoiler. And please look for typos, they need to be destroyed.
Constructive feedback is welcome! (Aka, you can say whatever you like eg. It sucks, as long as you then do 2 things.
1. Tell me why you think it sucks.
2. Say what you think could be done to improve.
Thank you.)
Chapters (28)
I wanted to comment here since I didn't think it was appropriate to keep having this conversation over on my page.
I've read your chapters so far, and while I think that there's an interesting idea here, the overall construction of the story is one that needs improvement. The various happenings are unfolding too fast, giving too little exposition of background elements to the readers. Even considering the first-person perspective, the use of short sentences to describe actions by themselves ("I turned around and went back inside.") is overused.
As it stands right now, I'm finding this story difficult to read due to the issues with the presentation.
7704078
I hope to improve over time, as well, I will be almost constantly going back and changing things as I learn and move in the story. Probably adding descriptions of the area, maybe slowing down the plot progression in each chapter, stretching out the narrative. So I suggest you go back and read it again every month or so, just to see if anything has changed.
I also do t think I finished going over his abilities and weaknesses over in your story, I could finish that if you want. Or not, your choice.
And, are there any specific places where you think flow could be improved? I would love to know!
7704078
You still there? Unfortunately, I have a habit of editing comments, instead of placing new ones, please read the one below again.
7704861 Sorry, I'm having some trouble adding more commentary due to what it's taking to keep updating my own story each day.
Unfortunately, there's little more detail I can offer, save only to recommend the technique that I used to refine my writing style: read some of your favorite novels - actual published novels, not just fanfics - and try and recreate the style of writing that they use. Not the themes or tropes or plot/character elements, but the actual method by which they construct a scene, build setup, and write expository and action sequences.
I'll check back in a month or so to see what changes you've made.
7705170
And Aurthur's abilities and limitations?
7705589 I presume that those will be showcased in this fic, yes? That's as good a way to do it as any, other than finding a game system and using its framework to model his character (at least, to my mind).
7706253
Any gaming system I put him in, he would be overpowered, but mostly because of other things, not because of his personal power. So I guess I shall explain him here. Hope you enjoy the story!
7706505 You're wrong about that; there are game systems that could very well accurately measure his power, even if it is beyond that of the gods.
That said, "overpowered" is a character flaw; if you've designed a character that you know is overpowered, that usually means that it's time to go back to the drawing board.
7706597
He is only overpowered if he has his equipment. Without it, he is only a formidable Mage, instead of an unstoppable one.
3 chapters down and no editing required I can spot.
The story is good I think, descriptions are good and not over done. A good walk around the ship with detail gives a strong mental image of it, enjoying it so far.
Not any worse than the ration packs supplied on the old Apollo missions.
The paragraph starting with "LYYYYYRRRRRAAAAAAA!!!!"* is only repeating town description you just used 2 paragraphs before. Also repeating the telepathy explanation next major paragraph down. Other than the first sentence that paragraph needs deleting. The familiarity of the castle needs to be added to the previous reference.
Hyphen needs to be a comma.
Needs some detail added about receiving the needle box through the wormhole or it sounds like he already had it.
Capital 'I' needed.
now (and maybe put it after forest)
Why the quote marks?
Should read in italics to note venue change remark like this.
Not sure why you need the asterisks after speech in the last few sentences. Usually only use them when you are referencing a factoid or quote at the bottom of a page?
Unless you're Santa, 'self'.
This portable wormhole generator sounds more like a Star Trek replicator to me, as a wormhole implies the articles are coming from somewhere else as a wormhole is only a gateway shortcut. Not sure what it is you are having it do? If it's a replicator then it would need a massive amount of data to form objects, could make mention of it being sent Wi-fi from the ship data banks.
7728822
But these ones have spices, and flavour, and good meat, and are prepared fresh, and are then stored in a freezer for days... this isn't helping, is it?
7728822
Quotes? I think I know what you are talking about, but just want to be sure.
Nvm, I found it.
7728888 That's what I mean, yours are better not worse. The astronauts on those missions hated their rations.
7728822
Do you think I should explain the workings of the wormhole generator, or just say that the box came through?
7729163 No real need for detail it just needs to be a little more obvious things are coming out or through it
7729261
OH, I know! Aurthur can explain it to Twilight later. If she asks, and he wants to give her that knowledge.
7729261
All problems you pointed out have been addressed, go reread. Please?
7728865
The elf has been sent home.
As well, the wormhole generator is just that, it generates a wormhole to his home universe. This has happened to Aurthur before, so the people on the other side know to send anything he requests through. But it is fairly small, so he can't request anything big.
It will be explained later, so just wait patiently.
delete 'am'.
two?
Poor Mac, always picked on for his girly screams.
there
Found this, as close as I've found so far.
img06.deviantart.net/7396/i/2010/246/7/3/robot_unicorn_attack_by_aarogyc-d2xxtew.png
delete 'would'
During
Suddenly envision his eyes doing this.
media.giphy.com/media/PaK7aXTt3RbzO/giphy.gif
7737125
Typos crushed.
And of course Big Mac has a girly scream, can you imagine anything else?
7737216
Typo shown the door.
Good image, but the blue on the coat should be deeper, and it needs wings. And less rolls.
7737310
Typos have decided they don't want to risk Aurthur's wrath.
And Aurthur's eyes?
needle
The Doctor in this universe maaayyy be a little different.
pre12.deviantart.net/a86f/th/pre/f/2016/321/0/a/doctor_whooves_16_by_lynx318-daoqlv6.jpg
7739126
Typo shown the error of its ways.
And I found another one, as well as added a sentence I meant to add before publishing, oh well.
And Aurthur has met The Doctor. Plus a few others. He probably won't be surprised, seeing as how the only thing here he has not seen before are brightly coloured sapient ponies. And then there's Discord.
Might want to separate into 2 paragraphs here to show computer's speech is separate from Authur's thoughts and speech.
Poor little Timberwolf, with his amount of magic he could have enthralled it and had a pet,
(I'm going to regret this!) and call him 'Barky'.
7745179
Ponies don't seem to take kindly to Timberwolves. But then again, Aurthur doesn't know that. And he already has a pet, back in Vale City of course.
'popping' -although that would have been a cool insult.
Authur doesn't have a lot of patience does he? He wanted to find all the different sources of major magic but doesn't hang around to at least meet another.
7746593
He didn't know that another one was coming. And besides, he wanted to get out of there just in case they were like Discord there. Only room for one of those I a multiverse. And he wants to get set up asap. He want a place to call home beyond the small cabin of his ship. The runes in the castle just roused his curiousity.
And, do you think I stayed true to Discord's characters?
7746593
And typo!
His name is Aurthur. You were doing fine for the first few comments, but in recent ones, you seem to think he is an author or something.
7746617 Hard to remember which way to spell something from Arthurian legend than what you're used to spelling normally.
Thinking Discord might have a way around Aurthur's magic being Lord of Chaos and all, but....
Character is good for him, could use a little more random stuff thrown here & there, nothing major, like a couple mini Discord's serving drink and food to their leader.
7746657
The only relation he has to King Arthur is the name and spoilers. His name is only based on Arthur.
One comma not required, did well this time.
7754434
Getting better! Thoughts?
7754434
That comma was supposed to be an 'm'.
I unleashed twilight on it.
7754543 I'm assuming the workshop is because of lack of space on the ship, not sure how big it is. Has he thought of asking for help, I know Discord might have put him off a bit but he's hardly a std example of the pony race? Or this due to bad past experiences dealing with alien cultures?
7754561
He has been captured and tortured on first contact.
You know how big the rear cabin of the ship is, the cockpit is only big enough for the one chair, with a little space behind it.
7755270
Guessing something slightly larger than a Stargate Jumper.
static.planetminecraft.com/files/resource_media/screenshot/1147/Puddle_Jumper_by_Animaniacarts_884183.jpg
gian-cursio.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/Jumper-Top-Wire.jpg
7755318
Slightly larger, his ship has wings too. Kind of like the Orion fighter from Tachyon. Except is got those wings on both sides. The cabins are about the same size as the jumpers, but it has those wings too.
ear? Ummm not sure what this refers to?
Is the Alicorn body a biological construct or nano-cellular like the latest Battlestar Galactica cylon/human replicants? Just curious not really important.
7758406
It is a biological construct. He gives the DNA he desires to be made form to a cloning vat. It also has alterations to grow faster, so that it is fully grown within hours.
7758570 The plot is good in this chapter, I think you have the pace about spot on too now, 'All Good.'
img.pandawhale.com/146763-Big-Lebowski-dude-its-all-good-AJWk.jpeg
7758610
Story progresses at its own pace, don't care about what people think. It is alive!
Don't you mean Arthur?
7758654
Good to see someone other than a rock comment here!
And no, he is my OC, not King Arthur. One of my previous comments partly explains that.
Any thoughts on the story?