Gathering data (and blood)
Waking up several hours later, I pul some food out of my pack, and eat a filling meal of custom made sausages. Each one is filled with a mixture of vegetables, meat, and eggs. Sounds disgusting, but it is actually quite good, and has all the nutrients I need aside from that. Cheap rations, basically. Finishing my third sausage, I grab my bag and portable wormhole generator. Prepared to head into town, I first check my illusion, to ensure it was not tampered with. Satisfied that nothing happened while I was asleep, I head towards the town I saw on my way down to the surface.
The trip is fairly uneventful. The only thing worth mentioning is that three of the nine major magic foci on this planet are getting stronger as I get closer. That would mean that they are at least in that direction. So I might end up finding them, or not. I think I may stay here long enough to find all nine of them, plus the few semi-major magic points.
Coming closer to the town, I notice that there is a castle off to one side. It appears to be made of crystal, and is reminiscent of a tree. No doubt someone important lives there. To the southwest is a large apple orchard. Without getting closer, I can't make out much more than that. Big buildings are easy to see.
Using my binoculars, I observe the populace after concealing myself in a forest, with the support of an illusion. The best illusions have a shred of truth in them. Tuning the super sensitive directional microphone on my binoculars, I listen in on the conversations going on in town.
"LYYYYYRRRRRAAAAAAA!!!!"* I don't see anything yet, but that was a powerful shriek. Looking closer, I see the familiar castle perched above the town. Dozens of cottages surround a fairly important-looking building, as well as there being what appears to be a barn in the apple orchard. I extend my magical senses as well, to see if there are any beings capable of telepathy. If there are, it would make it so much easier to learn their language. From what I have heard so far, there are distinguishable sounds, but I have no idea what they mean.
"Calm down Bon Bon!"*
"But you said we could..."*
"Hush, and let's go home."*
That conversation appears to be over, as I see the two ponies in question, or at least, I think it is, head off together. My magic senses something, one of the three major magic points that are nearby appears to be able to use telepathy. That's my first stop, after I construct a pony body. Do not want to alarm the local species by giving them something to worry about. But first, I need DNA samples, two of each of the three main species here, one male, and one female. Opening my portable wormhole generator, I relay a message about needing needles. Time to stab a few ponies. I set up the wormhole generator on it's stand, letting it work it's magic while I observe for a few more moments. Noting nothing of interest, I turn around at the sound of something hitting the ground.
Grabbing the needle box and packing up my wormhole generator stand, I settle down to watch and see. I would prefer a brother-sister pair, as it reduces the differences in the genome, also preferred is same...mane and coat colours, I guess. Twins would be ideal, but what are the chances of me being that lucky?
I decide to stalk regular ponies first. They don't have wings or a horn, but there is DNA that I should probably have. Watching what I believe to be a marketplace, I settle in and wait. Not long after, I spot what seems to be at least family relations getting together to take down their booth for the day. A mare with an orange coat and blonde mane, with a stallion that has a red coat and orange mane. I also notice what appears to be a filly nearby, red mane and yellow-ish coat. Grabbing my needles, I prepare to get some samples. Using my magic, I throw the needles at high speed towards all three.
"Shriek!"
Quickly grabbing my needles, I move away, searching for more targets. That shriek hurt my ears. Who new such a big guy could have such a squeal. But I have blood samples, I may be able to determine the male/female gene, as well as mane and coat colour. Body type and height will require more samples and tests.
"Several hours later"
Got a blood sample of every pony in this town. Time to test. Returning to my ship quickly, I fail to notice that the ponies coming out of the forest are ones that I have not gotten a sample of. I do, however, note their coat and mane colors. One is purple, some artistically inclined people would say lavender, but I am not one such. The mane is purple with a pink streak. The other is white-coated with a deep purple mane. There is also a dragon in the group, but I have seen their kind before and don't bat an eye. Well, I have actually designed and bred dragons, but that's a story for another time.
Meanwhile, in the Ponyville General Hospital
"Doctor! We are getting a few ponies in town reporting being poked by something very sharp and small. And showing us needle marks." Nurse Redheart explains the situation. The doc thinks for a moment, coming to a conclusion.
"Nurse, it is just a needle, this is a job for the police, not us. Someone is stealing blood samples, but the police need to figure out who. And since it is only needle punctures, no medical attention is required, so just tell them to report it to the police."
"Right away sir!" Nurse Redheart trots off in a flurry of white, leaving the doc alone with his thoughts.
'Who is taking blood samples?'
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I wanted to comment here since I didn't think it was appropriate to keep having this conversation over on my page.
I've read your chapters so far, and while I think that there's an interesting idea here, the overall construction of the story is one that needs improvement. The various happenings are unfolding too fast, giving too little exposition of background elements to the readers. Even considering the first-person perspective, the use of short sentences to describe actions by themselves ("I turned around and went back inside.") is overused.
As it stands right now, I'm finding this story difficult to read due to the issues with the presentation.
7704078
I hope to improve over time, as well, I will be almost constantly going back and changing things as I learn and move in the story. Probably adding descriptions of the area, maybe slowing down the plot progression in each chapter, stretching out the narrative. So I suggest you go back and read it again every month or so, just to see if anything has changed.
I also do t think I finished going over his abilities and weaknesses over in your story, I could finish that if you want. Or not, your choice.
And, are there any specific places where you think flow could be improved? I would love to know!
7704078
You still there? Unfortunately, I have a habit of editing comments, instead of placing new ones, please read the one below again.
7704861 Sorry, I'm having some trouble adding more commentary due to what it's taking to keep updating my own story each day.
Unfortunately, there's little more detail I can offer, save only to recommend the technique that I used to refine my writing style: read some of your favorite novels - actual published novels, not just fanfics - and try and recreate the style of writing that they use. Not the themes or tropes or plot/character elements, but the actual method by which they construct a scene, build setup, and write expository and action sequences.
I'll check back in a month or so to see what changes you've made.
7705170
And Aurthur's abilities and limitations?
7705589 I presume that those will be showcased in this fic, yes? That's as good a way to do it as any, other than finding a game system and using its framework to model his character (at least, to my mind).
7706253
Any gaming system I put him in, he would be overpowered, but mostly because of other things, not because of his personal power. So I guess I shall explain him here. Hope you enjoy the story!
7706505 You're wrong about that; there are game systems that could very well accurately measure his power, even if it is beyond that of the gods.
That said, "overpowered" is a character flaw; if you've designed a character that you know is overpowered, that usually means that it's time to go back to the drawing board.
7706597
He is only overpowered if he has his equipment. Without it, he is only a formidable Mage, instead of an unstoppable one.
Not any worse than the ration packs supplied on the old Apollo missions.
The paragraph starting with "LYYYYYRRRRRAAAAAAA!!!!"* is only repeating town description you just used 2 paragraphs before. Also repeating the telepathy explanation next major paragraph down. Other than the first sentence that paragraph needs deleting. The familiarity of the castle needs to be added to the previous reference.
Hyphen needs to be a comma.
Needs some detail added about receiving the needle box through the wormhole or it sounds like he already had it.
Capital 'I' needed.
now (and maybe put it after forest)
Why the quote marks?
Should read in italics to note venue change remark like this.
Not sure why you need the asterisks after speech in the last few sentences. Usually only use them when you are referencing a factoid or quote at the bottom of a page?
7728822
But these ones have spices, and flavour, and good meat, and are prepared fresh, and are then stored in a freezer for days... this isn't helping, is it?
7728822
Quotes? I think I know what you are talking about, but just want to be sure.
Nvm, I found it.
7728822
Do you think I should explain the workings of the wormhole generator, or just say that the box came through?
delete 'am'.
two?
Poor Mac, always picked on for his girly screams.
7737125
Typos crushed.
And of course Big Mac has a girly scream, can you imagine anything else?