A mad scientist kidnaps young Twilight Sparkle to conduct heinous experiments on her for his own selfish purposes. As Twilight sits in her cell waiting to be rescued, the only thing keeping her company is a creature she has never seen before. Can Twilight survive through her ordeal, will she be rescued in time? Only time will tell and with time maybe she will get to learn what this creature really is and if its as dangerous as everypony says it is.
(note: This is my first story so I would like if you could give me some constructive critisism regarding my writing, also if there are some character names and designs that you recognize from other fics, please tell me so I can give a shoutout (is that the correct term?) to them)
Chapters (3)
Is Twilight going to become a psychopath by the end of that story? I can assure you, I am not going to read it if this happens.
A good start. Provided this doesn't become super gorey I'm in.
A note.
"When someone else starts talking"
"It becomes a new paragraph."
Remember: new speaker, new paragraph.
Also bear in mind the Tragedy tag is meant in the sense of the literary device, and not in the casual speech sense of "something negative or sad happens."
Ok, I love the premise of the story
. Somehow I keep remembering the mad scientist from robot chiken well reading and I dont know why? XP. You just need to remember to make a new paragraph each time someone different talks, it can get confusing.
And I dont see why Twilight have to be in the same cell as the "dangerous" creature, of course other than moving the plot forward. The story have told us that "it" is dangerous and that Twilight is, and I quote;
But Is not that big of a deal, just think I have to point it that out.
Looking forward for the rest
7620965 Well the reason is not really explained and I apologise for that, but basically it's like that they were afaraid that if she saw what they were doing to others she might have attempted suicide (I know it might sound unbelivable for a child, but it can happen) and like doc said they won't need her for another few months, so they thought why not place her together with a dangerous creature, because the smart, but crazy doctor, forgot to build a few more extra isolated cells. As for the precious subject part, she is still a subject someone who is expandable, he probably has a few more powerful unicorns or can capture more in the future (example Starlight Glimmer), so he has no problem putting her together with a dangerous creature. What I'm trying to say is basically, he sees that she has higher rate of survival with the creature than beign in the same cell with other subjects who will tell her different stories about their experiments.
7620899 Don't worry this story is not yet finished, I belive it might have 3 parts and the tragedy will come at the end. I will go full Shakespear on this story
7620772 Nah I myself am not into that much gore.
Pinkie: Says the Author while his favourite movie genre is horror.
Goddamit Pinkie, you're not even in this story. Ahem, like I was saying, I don't plan on making this story gory, much at least. The worst will probably be like what kind of wounds the creature or other prisoners will have, but not too much in detail, but if does come down to getting really gory I will put the tag on and warn you in advance. k?
7620547 And I can assure you fellow reader, that that will not be the case. This is basically a story before Twilight went to Ponyville, sort of what if, the past is a bit different, but the future (or is it present?) is still the same. And I mean c'mon this is Twilight we talkin bout. What do you think will happen when you put a friendship obssesed unicorn in the same cell as a neglected unknown creature?
I would like to thank all those till now for the feedback, I will make sure to take your advice to heart.
Sees Tragedy tag on a Human fic...
NOPE NOPE NOPE... my feels can't take that, 'cause you know it won't be Twilight that winds up dead.
7621244 mmm ok I buy that
7622069 Good good. *he actually bought it*
Wait, what? NO NO NO, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO WRITE TH......................................
Hey new chapter! Hmm moving a little fast aren't we. Not awful but the pacing is a bit brisk.
Keep this going!
7622439 Thanks man appreciate it. And yeah maybe I did rush a bit. The reason why these are coming out so fast is because I have lots of free time and I had this story in my head for months, but couldn't write because I didn't own a laptop before.
7622469 Write on my friend! I have no complaints. The hard part of HiE is doing the communication scene. It either drags or it's far too quick. This one I'd say is in the middle. Which, as stated, isn't bad, provided we get to the meat of the story there after.
Also, how old is Twilight here? Trying to gauge it.
It said her home Canterlot so one can surmise that this is pre Luna's return, but...
Also, take pride in the fact that someone was so hung on your story that they took tiny details to decipher it more!
good good, moving the story fast hu. i like it. may be a little too hmmm what will be the right word?...... too sweet? but i guess being kidnapp from another world and being experiment on can get anyone too emotional, specialy if you have a cute little pony as a cellmate. just loot at that face
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opps wrong one
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7622554 Awww man you making me blush. As for your question, I like to think she is around 10, maybe younger.
7623365 Exactly. Though in the beginning I wanted to make it a little more violent as it is now, but decided against it because if I let Dark continue his assault he could of really hurt Twilight too much for me to properly continue the story. Oh and a little bit of trivia regarding my story. There were acctually supposed to be two more scenes in this story, one I won't say cause I will put it in the last part, the other though I wanted to show how Twilight was teaching him how to do the Sunshine Ladybugs Awake dance and him failing miserably. The reason why I didn't put it in is because my brain decided to send that bit to the trash instead save file.
7623672 haha that could be funny, but i think you will need it to change the tags though
.
7632491 Kinda sorry to hear that, but like I said in my blog (you should check it out) I only just started this writing shtick so there will be errors and failures. But I am glad that you stuck till the end so Thank you very much.
Sad when the Iron Giant died.
Just teasing.
As I said for the start this was solid writing, worthy of continuing in another story. The ending was quite abrupt but this could only go so far without dragging on.
Foster new ideas! You are quite good at this!
If you ever need an eye, or an ear, or a wall to bounce ideas let me know!
The price of freedom.
Still not a tragedy, though...
7633121 I might take you on that, maybe for one of the upcoming shorts or the longer story. And thank you again for all the support you've given me.
7633559 Elaborate please. How is this not a tragedy? Are you not amused, I mean, sad?
What must I do to make you cry???
Answer me goddamit!!!
7633838 A literary tragedy is a tale depicting the downfall of the protagonist, often due to a flaw or characteristic they possess; their own choice of actions eventually leads to their doom (although not necessarily death).
A somewhat more modern take on it is that it is a tale where the protagonist suffers some great failure or loss, and depicts their struggle to come to terms with it.
It gets misapplied a lot on FIMFiction.
7634116
Thank you for explaining that, here have a Twilight and a cookie.
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7634172 *cackles and runs off with the Twilight*
7634190 And what about the cookie?
Yeah, I put a lot of work into making those.
Great you made her cry. Happy?
7634375 Twilight's carrying the cookie-jar!
oh... my heart
Very tears. Much sad.
Uh... Jesus... I Cried... Fuck.