I'm nothing special, but I am trying.
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Equestria burns, its citizens enslaved, its goddesses silent.
Clinging to Celestia's teachings of mercy and forgiveness, Twilight journeys south across the Sand Sea to make peace with the enemy who devastated her homeland. But every step of the way, the brother they killed is there to haunt her. The brother whose family they butchered. The brother so filled with hatred he'd see Twilight betray everything she believes in to satisfy his need for revenge.
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holy crap that is very sad and dark it feels so bad
Love it!
7883826
Sometimes feeling bad feels good.
7883829
Wow, you're a fast reader! Thank you.
7883843 I guess but this is over my limit god dammit so much crying and im running out of things to say about it right know so i'll end it right now!!
This is a very good revenge tale - I liked the simplicity at various parts and the minimal dialogue. It reminded me a bit of The Better Angel by ArguingPizza. As always, I look forward to reading more by you.
7883851
I'm sorry about that, maybe. Come back when you feel better! I'd love to hear which parts impacted you so much.
7883864
Aww, you're the best. Thank you.
7883872 im fine now. The very beginning was how can i say it....I dont know how to say it
I think you did an amazing job of having Twilight straddle the line of optimism vs insanity. She desperately needed peace to be possible in order to justify herself, what she learned, and what she lost. But she knew deep inside what she wanted to feel. You made a good thing.
7883843
I edited it.
"You went literal with your suggesting edits, huh? Lol"
7883913
Your comment made me a happy thing. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Uhm... ok then?
I have no context for anything. This just seems to appear out of thin air. There's no impact because I don't know what's really happened or why.
Yes I do get it that these are idiot psycho cultist ponies who worshipped Nightmare Moon or something, for all 5 minutes she existed before being banished... yeahhhh... but why wasn't Luna able to do anything about them? Or Discord, even? Twilight's an alicorn here, so all the stuff with Loony and Dizzy had to have happened by now.
This exists in a vacuum, without any supporting details.
Beautiful just beautiful And the last sentence was woah,You are an amazing writer my friend.
7883943
Celestia bless you, Alondro. I can always rely on your constructive cynicism, which I honestly appreciate. I'm sorry I wasn't able to suspend your disbelief, again. This particular writing style might just not be your cup of tea. I tend to set a scene and focus almost entirely on the present, and less so on specifics outside the scope of the story I want to tell. While it's true that it's sparse on background details, I don't think it's fair to say it exists in a vacuum; the details are there, scattered throughout the story, if you just put on your detective hat while reading. But if the story failed to give you a character connection, I understand that it just won't work for you.
Thank you for your criticism.
7883981 But therein lies the problem: you're setting up a scene that exists on its own USING AN ALREADY-EXISTING PROPERTY WHERE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE UTTERLY DIFFERENT.
You see, one can use this approach with their own original world, since no one has any expectations or requires complex explanations as to what is happening. In those cases, we are being dropped into an unfamiliar world about which we can harbor no preconceptions. Thus, set-piece stories or story fragments are able to stand on their own better since there's no information to conflict with them.
But with stories like this, familiarity with the source material is CRITICAL to even knowing who the characters are in the first place and why we should care about them. BUT, since they contrast so severely with what is known, there MUST be enough narrative exposition to support and explain these radical departures.
The story kind of robs away a moral dilemma by making the sand ponies pretty much pure evil with little nuance. I think the point of the two foals was to add that ambiguity, but by making the rest of them entirely inhuman down to the end, it just weakens Twilight's decision. Not to mention the horn breaking issue taking away even more agency from Twilight, so that it was a symptom of uncontrolled power and not precision death upon each of them. It is incredibly in-character for Twilight to feel guilt like this, I will say, given the kind of pony she is(even killing one would probably have messed with her head, an entire place blown up would ruin her), but from the audience's perspective, it looks hollow. She blew up a lunatic village of barbarians that were threatening her homeland and people and only did so under tremendous pressure.
Maybe I'm just misinterpreting this, and Twilight's moral ambiguity isn't supposed to be a theme here, but it just feels a bit like doing a kind of moral ambiguity thing over mass bombing of cities. It's hard to feel a moral conflict when not only do we see that this place of fanatics apparently deserved it and also that Twilight was basically forced to either do that or die.
Not the right music... still.
Not perfect but it didn't really need to be. Still, don't stop improving.
The whole premise seems to be based on Twilight not being willing to fight people, which seems... really out of character.
Especially having her be SO pacifist that she doesn't do anything until after they've hacked of her horn. Sheesh. It was obvious that peace was impossible way before it got to that point. 
7883943 Yeah I got that impression too. All I got out of this story was Twilight's brother is supposedly dead, Twilight tries to make peace, her brother's shown to be alive and then suddenly there's magic going ZOOM BANG BANG KAPOW and finally she's walking off hoping to hear a song or something?
there's no real true memorable moments from this story for me, but that's not to say it's awful. I'm just a retard who doesn't get good writing.
7884005
Thanks for the expanded input. I understand what you're saying. We just seem to have different views on what constitutes minimum narrative exposition. I'm confident there is enough. The ten or so people who read the story before its release didn't point out such a problem with it. But I'll keep an eye on what others' reaction to it is just to be sure. Cheers!
7884035 We've already seen that Twilight IS willing to fight! And HARD!
Ahem: TIREK!!! She kinda blew up mountains...
That's what I mean when I say this story exists in a complete vacuum and contrasts too starkly with everything we know to be acceptable without a large amount of alt-universe re-working.
7884035
Her reluctance to fight only really extends to ponies, though, which is kind of her problem. Thanks for your feedback!
Yes, her pacifism really is infuriating, which is why it's so useful to have someone screaming it at her for most of the story.
7884036
Hey, your feedback is valuable. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sorry it didn't work out that well for you, but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings on it.
7884046 She wasn't using HER powers so much as she was using hers and those borrowed from the other alicorns, just to mention.
A beautiful representation between the struggle of an absolute good against an absolute evil. Very sublimely done and a very poignant message; well done. :)
7884076 i don't usually leave much feedback on stories because in the past it's made people throw a lot of hate messages my way. Some of it was understandable considering I voiced my opinions on a few clopfics before and...well, a horny brony really cannot be reasoned with, experience has taught me.
I feel there's a good story here, but it's sort of like you skipped ahead a few chapters from where the tale should have begun. I mean I don't even know who the hell these assholes are that Twilight absolutely destroyed, or why they attacked Equestria in the first place other than to be a right load of dicks. Maybe if you expand upon this story further, like rewrite this chapter into a future story that explained more things to the reader?
Some stories can't be told in a single chapter. This felt like one of those stories; it seemed interesting at first, but the fact that I'm not being given any information beforehand regarding plot gimmicks so that i can better understand your story, is what makes it hard to get your tale. That sounded dirty when I read that last part out...'get your tale'...oh god that's awful, forget I said that at all! I need a shower to cleanse the filth! XD
But yeah. That's my thoughts. I'll quietly await the hate mail from your viewers and stuff. I love this fandom, I truly do, but if people are going to insult me I feel that at the very least I am entitled to an original insult and not one other people have said 50 times over.
7884022
An interesting perspective. Thank you for the feedback. I've personally come to feel that everybody in a story being morally gray has become more cliche than black and white. I wanted to explore a theme of good vs. evil, where someone embodying all the values we'd consider morally good can at the same time be completely wrong, and actions we'd consider wholly evil no matter who they're inflicted upon, can at the same time be seen as perfectly reasonable--the hypocrisy and contradiction of it. In my eyes, it isn't about "is it right to do this to someone bad", it's about someone holding the belief the idealism of "it's wrong to do it to anyone", and being confronted with a reality that contradicts that ideal.
And I'm not sure what you mean when you say Twilight's agency is removed by her horn breaking; the narrative doesn't imply that it affects her mental state beyond being in pain--it's everything that's happened up until that point, as well as the new situation presented to her, that finally breaks her idealism. What she does beyond that point is her decision, even emotionally charged as she is.
Again, thank you for your criticism. I do appreciate it.
7884115
I appreciate it. Details in the story are sparse, and that's deliberate. If a reader wants to understand more of who the enemy is and what happened, it's possible to piece it together with the clues scattered throughout the story. But the story does require some trust on the reader's part, that they suspend their disbelief of how and what happened, and instead focus on the characters and story as told. The story isn't about who the enemy is or why they've done what they've done; it's about Twilight's values, her worldview, her overwhelming and infuriating goodness that while wonderful in the world she grew up in, is fundamentally incompatible with the new reality forced on her.
What's with all the downvotes? This was well written.
7884162 I know i don't need to say this, but i thought I'd mention that i haven't given this story a downvote.
7884224
Thanks, man. It's all good. No worries.
7884206 Eh? It barely has any.
7884144 I don't refer to her mental agency so much as her physical one. She's lost control without her horn, and it's very hard to hold the high amount of collateral damage against her when she's in unspeakable agony and only barely able to keep herself from exploding. She's under massive amounts of duress, and it's hard to see it as a real moral failing beyond the fact that she lost control(and even that was after a Herculean effort). In all honesty, it's not such a stain on her morally perfect record given the fact that they were certainly going to come after her and she had no other way of dealing with them given the fact that just one of them was giving her a tough time in a fight when she tried to be precise. It removes choice because it's either her dying or her having to lash out with all that she has to survive. It forces her into a situation where she has to make that choice or else die for it, and so her change in character feels like it holds less weight.
But of course, since you explained the premise of it as not just being a gray morality issue, the story makes a lot more sense to me. I can't really fault it for that, in all honesty. I agree, the gray vs gray thing is overdone and I will say that I really liked the fact that the story wasn't just an excuse to make a twist ending by making the village actually good ponies or some other nonsense.
7884240 I've had a death threat from this site before because someone thought i gave them a downvote. meant nothing since they were from Austria or someplace close to it and i'm British, but i'd rather not get another one.
They take up too much space in my inbox.
7884253
Thanks for clarifying. That's actually a fair point. I see what you mean. Well, I could easily imagine her choosing to die for what she believes in, to be honest, but what you say does make sense. I could have given her the choice when she's under less duress, but I think that might be boring. Characters are defined by what they choose to do when under duress. She was forced to make a choice, which was exactly what she needed. Self-defense may seem the easiest and most obvious option in her situation, but I hoped to establish her firm belief in her values and ideals well enough that it ultimately wouldn't be an easy choice.
7884254
No one deserves that. I'm sorry it happened to you. Writers are fickle creatures, easily offended. It's important to be able to take criticism, especially when it hurts--you can't grown and improve if you don't.
So, I read this story the second it gets posted with no views or likes, then I come back a few hours later and its already in the feature box? Lucky bastard.
Anyway, great read! Really the only bad thing I have to say about this (which is really just nitpicky at this point) is the fact that I couldn't really feel any kind of emotional attachment to Twilight. Though admittedly I feel this is purely a consequence of the fic being a one-shot so I suppose I can't expect to much, still would've been nice if this was a tad longer.
7884347
Thanks! It's nice to hear that you liked it. It could have been a much longer story, but I chose to focus its scope on a few core elements instead, and I'm happy how it turned out. Fanfiction has an innate advantage in that the reader will already have some character connection with canon characters, which makes it a lot easier to just focus on plot. But you're right, of course; lengthening the story would give more time to connect with the characters.
7884271 Sir or madam; if i can survive wooden planks with nails going through my feet and fight a battle against an infected kidney, i can survive a bunch of words that are trying their best to be original with their cruelty. But your words offer me strength that was not necessary, yet still taken out of newfound respect towards you. Thank you, and please do have another go at this story. If you wanted, you could write the story backs? That'd be an interesting concept. Start at the end and go back to the beginning.
Just a thought, mind you.
7884418 I'd have downvoted their story just for that, then told them about it. Anyone who's issuing death threats over fan fiction isn't smart enough to actually find out where you live.
7884473
Some people are just beyond reasoning with, sadly.
7884473 I honestly would have liked them to have come over. I'd appreciate the company. Plus the fake skeleton under the stairs could use some company. XD But honestly, it's totally fine. I'm nothing more than a stranger to you and as such you need not show concern for my well-being, though it is very respectful and kind of you, good sir/madam.
This looks interesting. I'll come back to it when I've time.
7884092 The point is, she was fighting. She wasn't afraid to fight back against something willing to do harm. She also fought the changelings and almost even blasted Cadance when she thought she was still Chrysalis.
So Twilight has never shied away from a fight when it's something really evil.
And I'd assume murdering psycho ponies who worship Nightmare Moon probably count as 'evil'...
7884485
Rank amateur. I have a life-sized animatronic Cthulhu in my basement. Skeletons only go so far. You need to think bigger my good man. XD
Nice to see this doing so well considering how much work you put into it.
I waffle on this. I mean, I think, at heart, we are being asked to accept some problematic premises:
1. Celestia (and Luna by extension) are so committed to pacifism they would allow the death of thousands of their subjects over acting to intervene.
2. Cadance, apparently, was able to be murdered...how? These guys came up from the South and the Empire is in the North. I mean I guess Cadance and Flurry could have been in the South for some trip and were taken by surprise, but it's still kind of hanging, especially as Twilight kills them all by herself while her horn is shattered.
3. The Princesses have shown no reservations about using force to defend their subjects before. Chrysalis, of course, and Tirek, are the two most obvious examples.
4. None use non-fatal force as an option, like say, facing the invading army and then blowing them all back with hurricane-force winds, basically doing a 'You shall not pass' option. Or even just demonstrating what they could do as a warning shot, or one of a dozen other options.
I guess the core issue for me here is there's a lot of assumptions I am being asked to accept that I have time accepting, and that seem at odds to the characterization we have seen already that are needed to justify the backstory. And outright contradicting the show, too - Twilight uses force against Starlight Glimmer on multiple occasions, as an easy example, and Celestia had no problems with Twilight using the Elements of Harmony on Luna - even set her up to do so.
Now, if I hoofwave all that away? Everything else is well-crafted. The scenes in the desert are great, with the only thing marring them being two bits - one, that she goes there with absolutely no way to communicate, and two, that she simply lays down and lets herself be rendered helpless after already knowing they had murdered everypony she came to save. This, I suggest, would work much better in two ways - one, that it's clear the suppressor is one she can overpower, even if the other ponies do not know this, and two, that her moment where she goes berserk is when she sees that they have kept Shining alive to torture him, and that the king is about to hurt her to attempt to torture him further. When, to her, she finally snaps at the sheer barbarity of it all - and then melts the suppressor like butter and begins to cut them down as all the rage comes boiling out of her. Have her decision to tap her Alicorn Magic or Dark Magic, whichever it is, be born not out of 'She is about to die', but out of her finally totally losing control, of all the rage and fury and horror and more boiling over and seizing control until she becomes an avatar of vengeance, and does so because she can, not because it's a 'Her or them' situation.
But as 7884253 effectively notes, with her horn broken she's just lashing out in animal pain, and that feels like it weakens her decision at the end. I walked away feeling like Twilight was hopelessly naive and incompetent rather than trying desperately to cling to ideals she was losing faith in, to the point of seemingly accepting death for it until she sees Shining is still alive, and...why? Especially after the captives are dead.
What I would suggest tweaking, perhaps - rather than have her see the bones of the dead beforehand, have that happen afterwards. Have her bound and blindfolded and have that revealed to her when she is in their camp. Let the horror become clear then, when she realizes everything she has done is for naught. Something along those lines.
But yea. This doesn't earn a downvote from me, but I don't think it's upvote-worthy either because I feel you have a fairly beautiful internal conflict hampered by a foundation too weak to support it effectively.
I'm sort of in two minds about this fic, mechanically I feel it's quite good. You paint a good picture, words flow well, I certainly wasn't bored while reading it. But at the same time, the whole pacifism thing really doesn't mesh well with everybody's established character. Twilight has already physically matched numerous threats in the past, I find it hard to believe that when matched with enemies so wholesomely evil as these she'd be so hesitant to fight. I can understand her having problems killing, but it just didn't really sit right with me here. It's especially hard to swallow that Celestia and Luna would roll over to such a degree when their citizenry is being slaughtered en-mass, all the thousands of years they've been alive you think they'd be a little more prepared for this kind of event and willing to do whatever it took to ensure the safety of their people.
I think the biggest issue is that you're tackling a lot of really big ideas in a relatively short space, I can appreciate a wholesome oneshot most of the time, but a little bit of expansion on things certainly wouldn't have hurt. There are other issues I had with the fic, but those have been already stated and addressed, so I won't really bother going into detail.
But like I previously stated, it's pretty solid for what it is. Allowing the context from the show to fall away a bit I could definitely see this working as it's own standalone piece of literature, provided things were expanded upon a bit. Keep up the good work.
7884814
You forgot pulping Sombra and Celestia going to war against Sombra in the alt future. It isn't like it's some unspeakable taboo, the guards have spears for a reason. Twilight having trouble with accepting it is in character, but it's definitely not for Celestia who was on the front lines of a war in one future. She's seen some stuff, that much is plain. Celestia's a nice pony but she's shown the will to mobilize the entire nation into war mode when she feels the need, an attack which kills one of their ruling bodies is a cassus belli by any definition. I have a hard time seeing the same Celestia who tried to blow Chrysalis's face off, was perfectly cool with shattering Sombra's body into shadow and shoving him beneath a glacier, and who was willing to lead her troops from the frontline taking attacks from a hostile power sitting down.
7884858 Oh, yea, I completely forgot about Sombra - so yea, there's a perfect example of canon non-alt future where the Royal Sisters flat out smote someone who was a pony, and if you take the AU then yea, Celestia goes full-on to war on the front lines.
While the story is beautifully written, I found Twilight's naivete almost impossible to put up with. Seriously, it was honestly pissing me off.
7884814
7884844
Thank you for the constructive criticism. You both raise some valid points. It's a pity I didn't see it as this big of a problem earlier. I'm sure I could have made some minor adjustments that would go a long way. Oh well, I had fun writing it, and it seems plenty of people enjoyed reading it, too, so I can't complain. This one has definitely been a learning experience.