• Published 27th Jun 2012
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Living in Equestria - Blazewing



A young man finds himself in a world beyond his wildest imagination...

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The Q&A

“Dave! Welcome! You’re early!”

“Hey, Twilight. Yeah, sorry, it’s a habit of mine. I hope I’m not intruding.”

“Not at all! Come in, come in!”

It was half past 1. After I’d grabbed lunch at a small café (being careful about my bits), I sat and relaxed around the town square before eventually heading to the library.

Twilight was looking very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and even seemed to be dancing on the tips of her hooves in excitement, with the air of an eager school girl. I could see, behind her, several notepads, quills, and ink wells set up. She seemed completely prepared.

“I see you’re all ready to go,” I said, stepping inside.

“Yep!” said Twilight. “Are you?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be," I said. "I just wanna warn you beforehand, I’m no expert on the world by any means. I can only answer within my own capacity.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll do just fine," said Twilight, airily. "Just do the best you can.”

(Ok, she’s accepting that I’m not a perfect genius. That’s a good start right there.)

“Did you tell Lyra yet?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, yesterday, in fact. She was very much excited.”

“Good! I knew she would be.”

“While we’re on the subject," I said, "I heard you handled Scootaloo’s adoption nicely.”

“Well, the paperwork was a little tedious," said Twilight, "but I had the mayor’s complete support. Scootaloo is now officially a member of the Hooves family.”

“That’s great. All I can hope for is that she’s where she belongs."

"I'm sure she is," said Twilight, gently. "Your heart was definitely in the right place."

I felt my cheeks go warm at this.

"Can I get you anything, since you’re early?” she asked.

“Oh, well, do you have any bottled water? I’m not used to talking for very long, so I might get a little sore-throated.”

“Certainly! I’ll be right back.”

She trotted off to the kitchen as I settled down on the sofa. Presently, I heard a sound like ice cubes being loaded into something metal, and the next moment, Twilight returned with a bucket full of ice, several water bottles sticking out of it.

“Oh, nice!” I said, gratefully. “Thanks, Twi.”

“You’re welcome," she said, setting it gingerly down on the floor.

“Is Spike planning on listening in?”

“He’ll be down shortly. I had a few messages that needed to be sent to Princess Celestia, and he’s just sending them off.”

“Oh, so you write to her beyond these friendship reports you mentioned?”

“Of course! Princess Celestia’s more than our ruler and my teacher. She’s somepony I can confide in, somepony who understands me completely, in a fair, unbiased way.”

“You mean, not just based on the fact that you’re her student?”

“Exactly," she said, an enthusiastic twinkle appeared in her eyes. “Oh, I just can’t wait for the day when you meet her! She’ll absolutely adore you!”

“Oh, I dunno about that," I said, awkwardly. "I live a pretty dull life back in my world: reading, video games, story writing-”

“Dull?” asked Twilight, surprised. “Why would you ever think reading was dull?”

“Well, I guess because I never really get out much.”

“Hey, I don’t get out much, either," said Twilight, "but I never think reading’s dull.”

“Well, sure, you wouldn’t," I retorted. "You’re a librarian.”

Twilight giggled.

“That’s true, but my point still stands.”

“I know, I know. I just don’t want to end up a complete shut-in. At least you’ve got friends you can see almost every day.”

“Don’t you?” asked Twilight.

“Sort of," I said. "Most of the people I talk to communicate with me through..."

I paused, trying to find the right word. Did ponies even know what emails, texts, or instant messages were?"

"Impersonal correspondence,” I said, finally.

“Like mail?” asked Twilight.

“Yeah, something like that. Really, it all changed after I moved from where I’d been born.”

“Oh, I see," said Twilight, sympathetically. "Well, to be perfectly frank, it was sort of the opposite with me. I didn’t have many friends back in Canterlot, but after moving to Ponyville, well, you can guess what happened.”

“You’re one of the lucky ones, Twi.”

“I certainly am,” she said, though in a grateful tone, not a bragging one. “It’s almost funny. If it hadn’t been for Nightmare Moon, I wouldn’t have ever met all of my dear friends.”

“So, you’re grateful that Princess Luna turned into a psychotic despot bent on covering the world in darkness?” I asked, wryly.

“No!" said Twilight, sounding scandalized. "That’s not what I meant at all! How could you say such a thing?!”

“Relax, relax, I wasn’t being serious," I said, holding up my hands placatingly. "What I meant was that it’s a weird turn of events, the coming of a universally-feared villain being the keystone to forming your circle of friends. It’s like something out of a superhero movie or a comic book.”

Twilight's features relaxed as she reflected upon this.

“Yeah, I suppose so,” she said.

“It reminds me of a quote I once heard: ‘There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them’.”

“I know that quote!” said Twilight, excitedly. “Harry Trotter and the Philosopher’s Stone!”

“Right! Although, it’s Harry Potterin our world.”

“Potter? Was he a gardener or something?” asked Twilight, skeptically.

This made me burst out in a fit of laughter, though Twilight must not have seen the humor in it as I did.

“So, we’ve still got some time before we officially begin,” she said. “There’s actually a part of the library I haven’t shown you yet.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Come on. I’ll show you.”

She led me to a door I hadn’t noticed before, opening it to reveal a staircase leading downwards. The two of us descended into a chamber where the very roots of the tree seemed to extend. She had a basement? I’d had no idea.

Well, perhaps 'basement' wasn’t the right word. As I stepped down the long flight of steps, I could see large, complex machinery, Bunsen burners, shelves lined with flasks, beakers, and test tubes, and a bookcase lined with several books and jars filled with miscellany, kind of like Zecora’s stock.

Was this really…? It was! I was descending into an honest-to-goodness laboratory!

“Twilight!” I said, astounded. “I knew you were a librarian, and I knew you were the Princess’s student, but when did you become a scientist?”

“I’m glad you didn’t add the adjective ‘mad’ before that,” said Twilight, amused at my stunned expression. “I've always had a passion for science. My studies often require me to perform some chemistry experiments, and luckily enough, the library had this big underground chamber when I moved in. What better place to have a private workroom for delicate chemical work?”

“Very clever, indeed.”

As my eyes roved the shelves, they became fixed on one labeled “Spellborn Potions”. What in the world did that mean? I stepped closer, and saw that they were all labeled with Latin-ish names translated parenthetically below. One containing a shimmering pinkish liquid was entitled “Desidero Egeo (Want it, Need it)”. Another one, filled with an inky, blackish solution, read “Instant Mustache”. Yet another, which was a silvery white, had a label saying “Nimbus Spatior (Cloud Walk)”.

“What are all these?” I asked.

“Ahh,” said Twilight, coming over. “These are the fruits of several months’ labor: potions based off of real unicorn spells.”

“You can do that?” I asked, impressed.

“Star Swirl the Bearded had conducted similar experiments in his time. I decided to give it a whirl myself!”

“I think you mentioned his name before, but who was he?”

“Only the most influential mind in Equestrian history!” said Twilight, energetically. “He was a genius! He created over 200 different spells, including the amniomorphic spell and a time travel spell!”

“No way! Time travel? Wild!”

“I know, right? Even Princess Celestia holds high regards for his achievements.”

“Wow. When royalty holds someone in high esteem, you know they’re the tops. So, you turned spells into potions? What do some of these do?”

“That one on the far left," Twilight said, pointing it out, "the ‘Want It, Need It” potion, is a highly risky one. When something is imbibed with it, whoever lays eyes on it is ensnared with an uncontrollable desire to possess and keep it.”

“Whoa. That sounds dangerous.”

“It is," said Twilight, ruefully. "It’s not a spell I’m proud to know, after recent events.”

“Recent events?” I asked.

“I’d rather not say.”

Was Twilight implying that she...? Nah, she wouldn't be that careless with such a dangerous spell.

“Well, how about this one, the inky stuff?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“That’s Spike’s favorite," said Twilight, with a grin. "Made from Spell #25. It creates a full mustache on the subject.”

“A full mustache? I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to have one! Can I try it?”

“Well, I can’t exactly hand out the potion willy-nilly," said Twilight. "I haven't conducted proper tests with them yet, but I can use the actual spell.”

“Neat!" I said, eagerly, before a sudden thought hit me. "Wait, is it gonna hurt?”

“Spike’s never complained yet,” said Twilight.

“Well, I guess that’s good enough for me.”

“All right, then. Hold still.”

Twilight closed her eyes, and her horn began to glow a pinkish-purple. The same glow began to shine around my upper lip, and while it didn’t hurt, it did feel very tickly, as if something was crawling along my face, and I fancied that I smelled aftershave. Then, with a poof, and a warmth that came to my lip with astonishing quickness, I beheld a festival of black hair right beneath my nose. Twilight reopened her eyes and gave a small gasp.

“Goodness! It’s like you’re a completely different person!”

“Do you have a mirror? " I asked. "I wanna see it!”

Twilight turned her attention to a desk drawer, opened it with her magic to reveal a circular hand mirror, and floated it into my hand. I blinked. The face that stared back was certainly mine, but my entire upper lip had become the home of a black walrus mustache.

“Whoa! I never envisioned myself as the ‘walrus’ type.” I chuckled. “Where’s a monocle when you need one?”

I ran my fingers through the mustache and said, in an imitation of a British accent,

“I say, Miss Twilight, you’ve done a marvelous job with that spell of yours. Perhaps we could pop on over to Lady Rarity’s and see how she’s faring today, maybe have a chat over a glass of brandy, eh wot?”

Twilight giggled.

“You’re such a card.”

“Although, I’d have to say,” I said, in my normal voice, “I might scare a few ponies with this new look. I hardly recognize myself.”

“Hold that thought, then,” said Twilight, as her horn flared up again.

With another poof, my new mustache vanished from my face.

“If making mustaches is your 25th spell,” I said, rubbing my lip where it had been, “I’d hate to know your more dangerous spells.”

“Magic isn’t meant to be a weapon,” said Twilight, sagely. “It’s a gift to benefit pony kind, however it may be bestowed.”

“Well said,” I said, impressed.

I turned my attention back to the shelf.

“And how about this whitish one?”

“That one’s a personal favorite of mine,” said Twilight. “It allows ponies to walk on clouds.”

“Walk on clouds?!" I asked, astounded. "You can do that?”

“Amazing, isn’t it? I’ll have to show it to you sometime. Then maybe Rainbow Dash could give you a tour of Cloudsdale. You could take a hot air balloon and go for a day trip!"

My stomach twinged nervously.

“Hot air balloon?" I asked. "I’ve never actually been in one before. See, the thing is, I kinda have this thing with heights, and I only now just remembered. As much as I'd like to see Cloudsdale for myself, I'm not sure I could handle it just yet.”

“Oh, that’s nothing to be ashamed of,” said Twilight, gently. “We’re not going to rush you anytime soon. We’ve got plenty of time.”

'Plenty of time'. The casual way she threw those words out resonated in my head.

It was weird how often I thought of how much time I’d have to get to know Ponyville or its inhabitants, or how long before I’d meet Princess Celestia, but it got me wondering once again: just how long was it going to take before I’d be able to head back home? Would it be any different? Would any time have passed at all? Or was it going to be some ‘Narnian’ thing where I could spend weeks, months, even years in this world, and yet not even a millisecond would pass back in my own world? All I really wanted was to know if my leaving had had any effect back home, or if my fears of going missing were unfounded.

“Twilight! Dave!” called Spike from upstairs, shaking me out of my mental stupor. “We’ve got company!”

“Oh! That must be Lyra,” said Twilight. “Come on, Dave, it’s show time!”

“R-right. Show time.”

Twilight ascended the staircase, and I moved to follow, though I cast one last glance at the shelf of liquid magic, with its numerous, multicolored occupants. If Twilight had already made those kinds of spells into potions, who knows what she’d move on to do next? Maybe she’d make something much stronger than a cloud-walking spell or an instant mustache spell...

There was no time to wonder about that now. Now, it was time for the Q&A.

***

Sure enough, just as Spike had said, Lyra was waiting for us, a huge grin on her face. As soon as we made our appearance, she pounced and threw her hooves around Twilight’s neck.

“Twilight! It’s so good to see you!”

“Aw, Lyra, it’s good to see you too,” said Twilight, kindly in spite of the surprise maneuver. “When’s the last time we’ve ever actually been able to sit down and talk like this?”

This put Lyra in a contemplative mood, and she released her hold on Twilight to stroke her chin in thought.

“Hmm. Now that I think about it, I can’t remember another time.”

This answer seemed to hit Twilight hard, and her ears went flat.

"I was afraid of that," she said, sadly. “Lyra, you were one of my neighbors back in Canterlot, and yet I didn’t pay even the slightest attention when you were trying to grab mine. I’d hardly even paid a mind to the fact that you moved to Ponyville shortly after I did. We’ve lived in the same town all this time, yet we’ve hardly spoken to each other. For pony’s sake, you were a bridesmaid at the royal wedding!" she suddenly shouted, distressed. "How could I not have realized that?!”

“Twilight, Twilight!” said Lyra, in a concerned, placating tone, putting her hoof onto Twilight’s shoulder. “Settle down. I’m not angry with you. Sure, I might have felt a little stung when you used to brush me off back in Canterlot-”

Twilight’s gaze dropped to the floor in shame.

“But that’s all in the past," Lyra went on, kindly. "As for spending all this time in Ponyville with pretty much the same thing, I know you’ve been tied up with your studies. I couldn’t take time away from you when we’d hardly known each other to begin with. Besides, I was getting to know Bonnie, and I’ve never bothered about the past. And as for being Cadence’s bridesmaid, need I remind you that I was just a pawn for that…that hag of a bug?”

She pulled a disgusted face.

“Twilight, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you," she went on. "If we’d just listened to you from the start, I might not have been roped into her whole plot and turned into a zombie to attack you.”

“Lyra, I’m not putting anypony at fault," said Twilight. "She fooled us all.”

“Not you, though," said Lyra. "You knew something was up, but we were too busy to-”

“Lyra,” said Twilight, firmly, stopping Lyra mid-sentence. “I’m not going to accuse anypony of what happened. It’s over and done with. It's in the past, like you said. The important thing is we’ve had this chance to finally reconnect, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.”

She cast a glance at me, making the color rise to my cheeks at being mentioned.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Lyra. “Now, come here, you!”

She once more threw her hooves around Twilight in a big hug, and the violet-coated librarian put a foreleg around her to reciprocate. When they broke apart, Lyra turned her attention to me, the huge grin back on her face.

“So! We ready to do this?”

“I certainly am,” I said. “Shall we?”

“Heck yes!”

She bounded onto the sofa, patting it eagerly for me to sit beside her. Taking the hint, I settled myself down, and she nestled up beside me, like a dog next to its owner.

“I take it Bon Bon was ok to let you come?” I asked.

“Mm-hmm! She said ‘Well, Lyra, I guess you foretold your own future yesterday’.”

“Beg pardon?”

“The song I was singing! ‘A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes’! As soon as I finished singing it, you came in and invited me to this interview thing! Is that crazy or what?”

Now that she mentioned it, that was an unbelievable coincidence.

“That is crazy,” I agreed.

“And it’s all because of you!” she said, now bestowing a hug on me.

“Aw, Lyra…”

“Ok, Lyra,” said Twilight, seating herself in a chair, “I can understand your enthusiasm, but let’s get started, shall we?”

“Yes, please!” said Lyra, suddenly letting go of me and sitting at attention.

Spike had seated himself on a stool beside Twilight. The unicorn librarian had set a fresh sheet of paper in front of her, and had dipped her quill into a the nearest ink pot.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Fire away,” I said, with confidence.

“I guess I should start from the actual beginning. Where-”

“Wait-wait-wait!” said Lyra. “I wanna ask something first, before I forget!”

“Oh, um, of course, Lyra, go ahead,” said Twilight, bemused.

“Yay!”

She turned to me and, putting her hooves on the backs of my hands, looked me straight in the eye and asked, very eagerly,

“How do hands work?”

“How…do they ‘work’?” I asked, nonplussed.

“Yeah! How do you manage having all those wiggly things on them?”

“You mean fingers?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, I guess the same way Spike can.”

A surprised look flitted across Lyra’s face, and she turned to Spike, who was equally surprised at having been brought up.

“Oh. My. Celestia,” breathed Lyra. “You’re right! Spike has hands, too!”

“Well, claws, actually,” said Spike, “but yeah, I guess so.”

Lyra let out a frustrated groan, clasping her hooves to her head.

“All this time, and I never asked the one creature in Ponyville that actually had hands! Ugh! I’m such a doofus!”

“It’s all right, Lyra,” I said, consolingly, putting a hand to her shoulder. “It was an honest mistake.”

“I know,” said Lyra, in a pouty voice, “but I still feel stupid.”

“Hey, I do stupid things all the time. It’s not a big deal. It’s just one of those things we take for granted. I can’t explain how they work beyond using fingers.”

“That’s really all there is to it?” Lyra asked.

“As far as I know.”

“Wow. Who knew it was so simple?”

“Though, while we’re on the subject,” I said, “how do your hooves work?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen ponies pick things up in their hooves, things they shouldn’t possibly be able to hold in hooves.”

Twilight and Lyra looked at each other in bewilderment.

“We…just do,” said Twilight, shrugging. “We’d never given it much thought.”

“Really?…Well, if you don’t think it needs further explanation, that'll have to do. Now, you were going to ask something, Twi?”

“Huh? Oh! Right, yes! *ahem* Where did humans first come from, in your world?”

“Ah, you don’t waste time with the small stuff," I said, grinning. "Well, there can be a lot of different answers, depending on who you ask. Most of the time, people’s opinions are divided between the scientific approach or the religious approach.”

“Oh? Do go on.”

“Well, in school, we’re taught human development the ‘scientific way’, which basically says our ancestors were apes.”

“I knew it!” said Lyra. “I knew you evolved from monkeys! You even kinda look like one.”

“Well, gee, thanks for the compliment,” I said, in a sarcastic tone.

Lyra giggled and nudged me.

“I’m just teasing.”

“I know,” I replied, with a grin. “I’m no biologist or expert in anatomy, but our textbooks show us how we’ve supposedly evolved over time from hunched, knuckle-dragging simians to the upright stilt-legged creature you see before you. We share similar bone structure, similar brains; heck, they even say our DNA is almost exactly the same.”

“Oh, that’s brilliant!” said Twilight, scribbling away like mad.

“Has anyone ever called you a monkey?” asked Spike.

“It can be used as an insult, yes, and while I can’t remember being called one myself, I’ve been told I’m as hairy as one.”

This brought a round of laughter from everyone present.

“And the religious approach?” asked Twilight.

“Well, I can’t go into too much detail, but I’ll do what I can. In my world, we’re not just divided by nationalities or languages; we’re also divided by our religions, each with its own set of spiritual beliefs. The one I’m a part of believes in an omniscient, omnipresent God who is the Lord and Creator of all life on Earth. According to the records of the Bible-”

“The huh?” asked Spike.

“That’s the name for the book we follow in our religion. Do you have something like that, Twilight? You know, since you’re an expert on literature?”

“Well, I certainly do have a section devoted to religious literature, but I’m afraid those devoted to human religions are either scarce or non-existent in Equestria.”

“Oh, I see. Just thought I’d ask. In any case, according to the Bible, all humans are descended from the first man and woman God placed on Earth in its earliest days.”

“Oooh, that’s very intriguing,” said Twilight. “So everyone is connected by some distant bloodline or other?”

“That’s one way to view it, yes.” I then said, sagely, “We are all God’s children, as we say. Of course, people like to raise some big stinks about which is the true religion. I don’t like getting involved.”

"Do these differences lead to conflict?" Twilight asked.

"Unfortunately, very often. We've had a lot of bitter conflicts in the past, either for independence, territory, or protection."

"And how do humans protect themselves?"

"Oh, through whatever means they can," I said, counting off on my fingers. "With their fists, with swords, knives, guns, bombs..."

Twilight, Lyra, and Spike looked at each other, aghast.

"I never knew humans were so violent," said Twilight.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to say so, but it's one of our faults," I admitted. "Still, a nation has to be able to protect itself. That's why we have armies, a Navy, a Marine corps; basically armed forces protecting the land, sea, and sky. I don't like to think about it, either, but it's there."

Twilight nodded, her quill still going.

"I hope you don't think too differently of me after saying all that," I said, pensively.

"It's a lot to swallow, but you said yourself you don't like the thought of it. I can believe that; you're too sweet to get mixed up in something as gruesome as warfare."

I smiled in appreciation at her comment, and then, a new thought struck me.

“Say, Twi? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. This is a Q&A after all.”

“Well, what’s Princess Celestia to Equestria? I know she’s the ruler of the land and the one who controls the sun, but in that sense, is she an Equestrian goddess? I hear ponies invoking her name all the time. And for that matter, would that make Luna a goddess too, since she controls the moon?”

Twilight, struck by this question, tapped her chin with her hoof in deep contemplation.

“You know,” she said, finally, “I’d never thought about that at great length. I’d never even asked her personally. The princesses have been around for a very long time, and it is through them that the sun and moon are kept in check. I guess, in a sense, they are goddesses, but we’ve always been content to know them as our princesses.”

“I like that answer.”

Twilight smiled.

“Lyra? Would you like to ask something now?” I asked.

“Oh! Yeah! What kind of holidays do you have in the human world?”

“Another good question,” I said. “What kind do you have here?”

“Well, we’ve got Nightmare Night, Hearth’s Warming, Winter Wrap-Up, Hearts and Hooves Day…”

“Interesting. Well, let’s see…To list all the holidays humans observe would be long and tedious, especially since different countries often observe different holidays, so I’ll list the more notable ones from where I come from. Have that quill at the ready, Twi.”

With a grin of determined readiness, Twilight held up her quill in her telekinesis.

“We’ve got New Year’s, to celebrate a new year and reflect on the old. We sometimes get carried away by staying up after midnight, with fireworks and alcohol and singing.”

“Oh, we have a holiday like that," said Twilight. "Same name, too."

“Really? Well, good, that saves further explanations. Let’s see…We’ve got Halloween, where we dress up in spooky costumes and gorge ourselves on candy.”

“Hey!” said Lyra. “That sounds just like Nightmare Night!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! We all dress up, give out candy to kids, have a carnival in the town square, and celebrate the tale of Nightmare Moon!”

“So, you celebrate the folklore behind Princess Luna’s dark incarnation?”

“Yeah-huh!”

“And she doesn’t object to this?” I asked, puzzled.

“Well, she didn’t exactly object,” said Twilight. “She more wanted to be part of the festivities, but kind of had trouble fitting in.”

“Really? That sounds…unusually down-to-earth of her.”

“The Princesses are very humble," said Twilight, then added, sheepishly, "We just…sometimes forget that.”

“I can understand that. I mean, how crazy would it be to be playing baseball, when all of a sudden, the ruler of your land asks to join in?”

A mental image presented itself to me of a majestic, regal pony (I had no clear image of what Princess Celestia looked like), striding onto a baseball field dressed in a jersey and ball cap, holding a bat in her teeth.

“That’d be awesome!” said Spike.

“But still crazy,” said Twilight.

“Now, where was I?…Oh, yeah. Next there’s Thanksgiving. That’s to celebrate the peaceful unity between the original natives of the country I live in, back in my world, and the people from another country who came to colonize it. They celebrated with a feast jam-packed with all sorts of foods that we still pig out on today: turkey, stuffing, corn, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie…”

“Mmm! Sounds delicious!” said Lyra, rubbing her stomach.

“That sounds something like Hearth’s Warming,” said Twilight, “but it was to celebrate the peace and friendship between the three pony tribes, when they’d originally fought over what would become Equestria.”

“Oh! Now there’s an interesting bit of history.”

“The real story would take quite a bit of time to tell, so we’ll save it for another time.”

“Gotcha. Well, after that, there’s Christmas. It’s the favorite time of year for many, myself included. It’s a time of giving, of family, of joy, of peace on Earth, the birth of the son of the Lord…Though, unfortunately, the concept’s often marred by the prospect of presents on Christmas Day. Not that nobody likes presents.” I added, hurriedly. “Who doesn’t?”

“We give away gifts on Hearth’s Warming!” Lyra said, then looked at Twilight and Spike. “His world’s got so much in common with ours!”

“I know," Twilight said. "It’s almost scary.”

“Believe me, it’s pretty disquieting for me, too," I said. "Let’s see, holidays, holidays…Ah! St. Patrick’s Day!” Here, I adopted an Irish accent. “Which we celebrate with the wearin’ of the green.”

“A day dedicated to the color green?” asked Spike.

“Well, not just the color. It’s also about shamrocks and leprechauns and rainbows and pots of gold.”

“Leprechauns?” asked Twilight. “I’ve heard of creatures like that, but I've never actually seen one."

“Let’s see, what else?…Oh! There’s Valentine’s Day, when we give a little something special to our sweethearts.”

“That’s Hearts and Hooves Day!” said Lyra. “We spend the day making the day wonderful for our special someponies!”

“Well, that sounds cute. If it’s not too much trouble to ask, do either of you have special someponies?”

Blushes as red as Applejack’s farm-fresh apples colored the two mares’ cheeks. I, of course, already knew of Spike’s crush on Rarity, but chose not to exploit said knowledge against him.

“Er, sorry, was that too personal?” I asked, awkwardly.

“No, no, it’s all right,” said Twilight. “I’ve never really had time for a stallion in my life. My studies, you know?”

“I can understand. Lyra?”

“Nah,” said Lyra, in a casual tone, “Bonnie and I both haven’t found the stallions of our dreams yet.”

“Well, he can’t be too hard to find, for either of you,” I said, meaning Twilight and Lyra, though I by no means suggested the opposite towards Bon Bon, “I think both of you are very charming.”

“Aww, thanks, Dave,” said Lyra, nuzzling up beside me. “You’re so sweet.”

“I try,” I said, bashfully.

Twilight herself smiled at my compliment. It was true that, despite her bookish nature and slightly pudgy physique, she actually was quite a pretty mare. In fact, practically all of the mares in Ponyville were cute or pretty in their own rights. I sincerely hoped that wasn’t wrong of me to say as a human.

“Do you have a somepony in your life?” asked Lyra.

Now it was my turn to blush.

“Well…yes, but a some-person, not a somepony.”

“Really? What’s she like?”

“She’s…funny, good-natured, patient. She never stays mad at me for long when I mess up. We share many of the same interests. The only issue is that we live on practically opposite sides of the country.”

“Aww, that’s too bad,” said Lyra.

“We’re still able to communicate with each other regularly, though. Now that I think about it, I wonder what she’d think of Equestria. She’s not much of a girly-girl, if you catch my drift.”

Come to think of it, how was she taking the fact that I’d been absent for five days so far? She was the sort who never really questioned anything, just sort of went with the flow, but still, she’d notice eventually...

“Dave? You all right?” asked Lyra.

“Uh? Y-Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong, Dave?” asked Twilight. “You seem to have this weird habit of drifting off.”

“I’m fine, really. It’s just, thinking of home, you know?”

“Oh, I see," said Twilight, quietly. "If you want to postpone-”

“No-no-no!" I said, hurriedly. "I wouldn’t dream of doing that to either of you. This is far too important for me to screw up with nostalgia. I’ll be ok, really.”

“Well, all right, if you’re certain.”

“I’m quite certain. Now. what was I talking about?”

“Human holidays?”

“Ah, right. Well, there's the 4th of July; that's when we celebrate our country becoming independent, after years of struggle and hardship, in the name of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!"

"How inspiring!" said Twilight.

"We celebrate it with barbecues and fireworks."

"Ooh! I like fireworks!" said Lyra.

"I like seeing them," I said, "but I'm not a fan of the noise. Now, let me see...Oh! There's Mother's Day and Father's Day!"

"We have those, too!" said Lyra, eagerly.

"Great! What else, what else...Oh, yeah! This is the last big one, but I could never forget it: Easter. Religiously, it’s when we celebrate the day when the Son of God rose from the dead three days after he was executed by crucifixion, all as had been foreseen by Himself.”

The three stared at me, making me wonder if they even knew who I was talking about or what crucifixion was. It wouldn’t be very pleasant to go into detail, so I pressed on.

“It’d be a very long, though interesting, story to go into it at full length,” I said, “but I’ll say that it’s otherwise celebrated with festive Springtime candy, usually chocolate eggs and bunnies.”

“Chocolate bunnies?” asked Lyra. “Sounds adorably delicious!”

“You’ve got a real mind for food, don’t you, Lyra?” I asked, jokingly.

Lyra giggled.

“Bonnie has me work as her taste-tester at the candy store. It’s not a bad gig, overall.”

She glanced down at her belly. It wasn’t as round as Pinkie’s, but was still noticeable.

“I can imagine," I said. "Though, speaking of chocolate bunnies, I doubt that’s something Fluttershy would appreciate.”

“Oh, heavens, no,” said Twilight, grimly. “She got upset when she saw Pinkie Pie eating animal crackers one day.”

“Hoo boy…”

“I know. But, in any case, those are the most notable holidays in the human world?”

“The ones off the top of my head, yes. It surprises me how close they are to your counterparts.”

I took a swig of water, my throat becoming quite parched.

“I know," said Twilight. "Oh, Princess Celestia’s going to love this!”

“I’ve got a question!” said Spike, raising his claw.

“Yes, Spike?”

“What do humans eat? I know you talked about it before, but I thought Lyra and the princess would wanna know.”

“Ah, good question. Humans are actually omnivorous, meaning we’re able to eat both plants and meat. Some prefer one over the other. As for me, back home, I’m a huge fan of meat.”

“And you’ve been getting by just fine?” asked Lyra, in an amazed tone.

“It hasn’t been easy, but yes. I haven’t croaked yet. Come to think of it, I think I could get used to this equine diet. I might finally lose some weight for once.”

“Lose weight? You look fine!” said Lyra.

“That’s cuz of the size of my shirt. I wasn’t always a healthy eater back home, but now I’ve got a chance to shed a few pounds and wow the folks back home.”

I actually amused myself with the thought of appearing before my friends and family, toned and slim, and picturing the surprised looks on their faces at my sudden drop in weight.

“Another question,” went on Spike, “Do humans migrate or hibernate?”

“Well, sort of, but not so regularly as birds or bears. When winter comes around in the north, many of us head south to escape the cold, usually for a vacation, before heading back when the coast is clear. The elderly tend to head south when they retire, so they can live out the rest of their lives in peace. As for hibernation, while we don’t hibernate like bears or other mammals, we do tend to stay cooped up indoors when the outside just isn’t so desirable to us at the time. We even become fierce as bears when someone tries to force us out of our comfort zones, like when our mothers try to get us out of bed when it’s time for school.”

“I know that feeling!” said Spike, laughing.

“So do I, unfortunately,” said Twilight, in a flat tone, “for the same reason.”

“Speaking of animals,” said Lyra, “how do humans balance on two feet without tails?”

I shrugged.

“I guess we’ve never had the need for them. All of our balance is in our rears.”

“And is it true that humans lose their manes when they get older?”

“Unfortunately, yes. That’s what toupees and wigs are for, though I could name a few men proud to be bald.”

“And why do humans always wear clothes? I mean, we wear clothes sometimes, but you seem to need them all the time.”

First Pinkie, then the Crusaders, now Lyra? What was it with these ponies and their interest in my preferring not to go around like a nudist?! I took a swig of water before answering.

“Let me put it this way,” I said, “seeing as we have a child present-”

“Hey!” said Spike, in an offended tone.

“He’s right, though, Spike,” said Twilight. “You're still only a baby dragon.”

“I know, but still,” muttered the little dragon, huffily.

“Human culture has always been very particular about modesty. We wear clothes because it’s just not in our nature to wander around naked. Of course, there are some rebellious members of the human race who want to defy the system by ‘streaking’.”

“Streaking?” asked Twilight. “What’s that?”

“Basically, it’s when a human runs around naked in public, as a way of rebelling against authority. You ponies have nothing to fear from that, since you all can go clothed or nude as you please. Fortunately, Rarity generously took it upon herself to sew me some new clothes, such as this ensemble you see currently on me.”

“That’s a Rarity-made?” asked Twilight, interested. “Oh my gosh, it looks just like the clothes I first saw you wearing! She must really be getting into human fashion.”

“I’m grateful she’s even taking the time, though I wouldn’t have insisted anyway. She must be super-busy with other projects.”

“Well, she does have costumes to make for Nightmare Night,” said Twilight, “and that’s coming up pretty soon, after the Running of the Leaves, so I understand your concern. Still, I’m really impressed with how she made your outfit.”

“So am I,” I said, with a smile. Then, I said, remembering, “Ah! Sorry, Lyra, I went off on a tangent. Did I answer your question?”

“Yep, that’s good enough for me: humans don’t like being naked.”

“Atta girl. So, what else?”

“Well, what you said about defying authority interested me,” said Twilight, “so maybe you could briefly tell me about the society humans live in?”

“I’ll do my best. Well, you know how you live under a monarchy in Equestria?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Well, in my world, it depends on what country you live in. It could be a monarchy, or even a dictatorship, but in my country, we live in a constitutional republic. We elect a president every four years to run our country. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of politics, so it’s not too much of a joy that I’m old enough to vote now.”

“And these presidents,” said Twilight, “what have they contributed to your country?”

“Historically, they’ve either been our saviors in times of destitution and misery, or they make things even worse than they already were. All we have to go on are their campaign promises. That’s just one more reason why I hate politics.”

“So, it’s the peoples’ choice,” said Twilight, writing as she spoke, “but you’re ultimately stuck with whoever the majority chooses.”

“Precisely.”

“I see. You mentioned these presidents of yours as being heroes historically. Are they the only sort?”

“Well, no. There’s people like Mahatma Gandhi, who revolutionized non-violent protest for his people; Susan B. Anthony, who took a stand for the rights of women; Winston Churchill, one of the most effective and revered prime ministers of his country; Martin Luther King Jr., who was an active leader in civil rights...Honestly, that's the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on."

"Wow..," said Twilight, impressed.

"There's also a lot of influential people from fictional sources, like tall tales and fables."

"Like who?" asked Spike.

“Well, let’s see…Twilight, you know how you mentioned Star Swirl the Bearded?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Well, while we didn’t have someone in actual history like him, we do have a similar figure in medieval legends: Merlin the wizard, advisor to Arthur, king of England, he who pulled the Sword from the Stone…and received one from the Lady in the Lake. Kinda confusing, now that I think about it…”

This was met with some blank looks, and I suppose I shouldn’t have been talking like they knew what I’d be talking about.

“It was the time of the knights. King Arthur, Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad, Sir Bedivere, Sir Robin, Sir Not-Appearing-in-this…Wait, I’m thinking of the wrong thing. What I mean is, they were legends of the days of knights, of castles, of damsels to be rescued!”

“Ooh!” said Spike, eyes wide in admiration.

“Spike loves anything having to do with knights and heroics,” explained Twilight. “He must have picked it up from Shining Armor.”

“He’s got great aspirations, then,” I said. “I can easily see him as a great warrior.”

“You could?” asked Spike.

“Definitely.” I held my arm out, as if indicating a title in the air. “Sir Spike the Valiant, Defender of Ponyville!”

“Defender of Ponyville…I like that!” said Spike, gleeful.

Twilight giggled and gave him a playful noogie.

“There are also other fantastic figures and creatures who may or may not have existed in history, but are favorite subjects in fantasy tales, like Robin Hood! He was a heroic thief, stealing from the greedy rich and giving to the needy.”

“How noble!” said Lyra.

“And Sherlock Holmes, who was a master detective, infallible thinker, and questionable dresser, since they always portray him with a deerstalker cap.”

“That sounds very familiar, actually,” said Twilight, contemplatively.

“As for tall tales, people use them as fantastical explanations for development in the world. Like Paul Bunyan, who was a giant lumberjack who cleared forests and made mountains and rivers; Pecos Bill, who was a hero of the West with a rattlesnake for a lasso; Johnny Appleseed, who spread, well, apple seeds across the country; and John Henry, who was a ‘steel-driving’ tunnel maker.”

“Interesting,” said Twilight, writing all of this down.

“I could go on for hours, but those are just some examples. Come to think of it, from what I’ve heard, you have creatures that are common in Equestria, but pure fantasy in our world, like, as Pinkie told me, manticores and cockatrices.”

“Those don’t exist in your world?” asked Twilight.

“Only in fiction, and thank goodness. If we did have real creatures like that, we’d be in some pretty deep doo-doo. I only know by Pinkie’s word, but just what creatures are common in Equestria or the lands near it?”

“Well, let me see,” said Twilight, “there’s dragons, phoenixes, griffons, manticores, cockatrices, parasprites, Diamond Dogs, hydras, minotaurs, Changelings-”

“Changelings? You mean shape shifters?”

“Yes. Specifically, these ones impersonate others and feed off of your love for them.”

“Your…love?” I asked, bewildered.

That sounded unusually tame for such terrible creatures.

“A bunch of them invaded the wedding between Shining Armor and Princess Cadence,” said Spike. “Totally out of the blue! The queen even disguised herself as Cadence!”

“Whoa. That must have been a horrible ordeal.”

Twilight nodded sadly.

"I won't pry," I said, gently. "Anything else?”

Twilight perked back up almost immediately.

“I’ve only got a few more to ask, actually. The technology of your society: is it any different than Equestria’s?”

(Aha! Now I’ve got a chance to really impress them!)

“I’m so glad you asked, Twi,” I said aloud, in an attempt to sound grand. “Allow me to regale you with the wonders of the human world…”

All three sets of eyes were fixed on me.

“In the human world, we have…television sets!”

“...And?” asked Twilight, flatly.

“…Huh?”

“They’re a rare commodity, but we know about them.”

“Er…I see. Well, we also have devices known as…computers!”

“Know about those too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. Rarer than televisions, but there are some ponies who have them. I even have a supercomputer for some of my science projects.”

“…Video games?”

“Yep.”

“Airplanes?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Automobiles?”

“Very rarely, but yes.”

My enthusiasm was deflating upon finding myself looking like an idiot in making what existed in their world sound grand.

“…Robots?”

“Well, we don’t have those, but we know what they are, or at least I do.”

“…Lasers?”

“See my previous answer.”

I gave up. They’d completely fooled me by appearances. Ponyville looked so humble, so down-to-earth, so…suburban. How could I have known these had existed if they’d never shown evidence of it before?

“Dave?”

The sarcastic tone Twilight had adopted as I rattled off my answers was replaced with one of concern at my defeated look.

“Was I being too rude? I was just playing around with you.”

“No. it’s not your fault, Twilight,” I said. “I’m just trying to give you good stuff to send to Princess Celestia, and here I am, rattling off what you already know, as if it were something huge and exciting and beyond pony imagination.”

“Aw, Dave, that’s not true. On the contrary, this is a wonderful revelation.”

“Really?"

“Yes. It shows just how closely connected your world and ours are. This’ll make for a very intriguing perusal for Princess Celestia!”

She was, in fact, using her magic to straighten out several pages that she had filled with the questions and their answers. Spike was eyeing them with apprehension, probably wondering how much sending by fire he was going to have to do.

“Well, when you put it that way, I suppose it does make sense,” I said, feeling a little better.

“One final question on my part,” said Twilight. “How does the sun move in your world, if no one governs it?”

“Well, that’s a no-brainer for a lot of folks back home,” I said. "The sun is the center of our solar system, of which the Earth is only the third of eight planets, formerly nine. All eight of those planet encircle it, so the sun rises in the east and sets in the west from the planet rotating on its axis, with no influence placed upon it by an outside power. Same goes for the moon.”

“Wow…" breathed Twilight. "That’s amazing!”

“But, er, do you think Princess Celestia would appreciate such an answer?”

“Why not?”

“Well, she might get the wrong idea, hearing that the sun and moon aren’t governed by someone else. It might make her think we have it too easy, or that we’re too lazy to do anything about it.”

“Oh, nonsense,” said Twilight. “Princess Celestia will understand. You said humans don’t have magic, right?”

“Well, no magic like yours, right.”

“So how else could the sun rise and set if not by some other means?”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” I assented, upon reflection.

“Spike, as soon as we wrap up, I want you to send this off to Princess Celestia!”

“One sheet at a time?” asked Spike.

“No, that won’t be necessary. I’ll bind them all together and put the royal seal on the whole collection.”

Spike wiped his brow in relief.

“I have one final thing to ask,” said Lyra, “one you don’t have to write down, Twilight.”

“Oh? All right, then.”

There was an odd seriousness in Lyra’s orange eyes, a seriousness I didn’t quite like in such a goofy pony.

“Dave.”

“Yes?”

“I want you to answer me completely and truthfully, no second-guessing.”

“Ok, all right. What is it?”

She was starting to scare me.

“When you do return to your world, will you be willing to tell everyone about your experiences here, or will you keep it a secret, or even pretend it was all a fantasy?”

Author's Note:

*People have mentioned that I left some things out, particularly in mentioning the human armed forces, so I went ahead and placed that in.

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