• Published 27th Jun 2012
  • 47,290 Views, 2,611 Comments

Why am I Pinkie Pie?! - Hoopy McGee



Why the heck did I turn into Pinkie Pie?!

  • ...
76
 2,611
 47,290

Bleh! It's really musty in here...

Skyggie needs to open some windows or something! This place really needs an airing out.

We left Cinnamon Swirl outside to keep an eye on Doctor Creepy. We told him that it was because we needed him to stop the raving doctor should he wake up, but it was really to keep the filly out of harm's way. Either way, he bought it, standing guard adorably outside the creaky wooden door.

Did you notice that Dr. Creepy mentioned his "Queen"? the little voice in my head noted.

Oh, hey, little voice in my head! How've you been? Haven't heard from you in a while! I thought back.

Er... doing just fine, the voice replied. Anyway, the "Queen" statement is probably really important, don't you think?

Probably, I thought back. It's most likely just Skyggie putting on airs and calling herself a Queen. Which is always a bad sign, in Equestria.

The voice stayed quiet after that, apparently having gotten everything out that it had wanted to say.

Anyway, forget that. I know what you're all probably thinking. You're probably thinking that, now that we have Trixie tagging along, she's going to get into a big fight with Twilight or something, right? Or, maybe you're not thinking that. I don't know. Honestly, it's kind of conceited of me to say that I know what you're thinking when I really don't. Maybe you're thinking about fuzzy bunnies. I know that's what Fluttershy is probably thinking about.

Are you thinking about fuzzy bunnies, or are you thinking that Twilight and Trixie would be fighting?

Well, if you are thinking about those two fighting, rather than fuzzy bunnies or something, then HA! You're totally wrong! If you were thinking about something else, then never mind. Twilight didn't seem to care all that much, honestly.

No, it was Rarity who got into it with the Great and Powerful one. They were arguing from the moment we walked into the castle.

"I honestly did you a favor," Trixie was saying. "Once I changed your mane, it had actual character."

"As if you'd know character!" Rarity snipped back. "Or did you mean your silly little stage show? No class at all, just explosions and boasting."

"As opposed to pointless primping? Please. It's not 'style' if you have to be so ostentatious about it! Style is inherent, not something you find in a bottle."

"Oh, yes, I see!" Rarity said, rolling her eyes as we made our way through the dusty, cobwebby, torch-lit corridor. "Like that stunningly classy hat and cape combo you wore in Ponyville? That was so subtle and understated!"

"I needed it for my act! I had to impress!" Trixie countered. "It's the only way to get country bumpkins like yourselves to pay attention!"

"All those tacky stars and the like? Oh, please! I could make a more impressive ensemble in my sleep. One that was elegant and mystical enough to impress anypony who saw it!"

"Ha! I'd like to see you try!"

"Any time! Stop by my shop in Ponyville and I'll show you!"

"Fine! How does next week sound? Perhaps Thursday?"

"Perfect! I'll have something ready for you!"

"Ha! Don't you need to measure me, first?"

"Hardly! I have the eye of a designer, I already know your rough proportions, all I need to do is a final adjustment next week!"

"I see! Perhaps I should take you to lunch in order to thank you!"

"That would be grand! Should we say 2:00, at Cafe de Foin?"

"That sounds perfect! I'll see you then!"

"Wait, are we still actually arguing? I've lost track!"

"I honestly have no idea!"

Seriously, that conversation got weird.

It was about then that Twilight finally got involved in the conversation, shushing them both. They still grumbled at each other, though, unable to let things settle.

"I've got a zipper-lip spell and I'm not afraid to use it," Twilight pointed out to them. Wisely enough, they both quieted down after that.

"We really shouldn't be here," Trixie said after a minute or so. "Skyggie... she needs her rest. Things have been rough for her, recently."

"Oh? She getting all worn out mind-controlling ponies like Cinnamon Swirl?" I asked. I may have even used some snark.

"What? No! Skyggie doesn't have the capability to mind-control anything!" Trixie said.

"Suuure," I said, winking. "So, who's the mind-controller?"

"Mind control, eh?" a raspy voice said further down the hallway. "Ya don' say. Sounds familiar, sounds familiar, indeed."

We all stopped dead, looking warily at each other. Twilight bravely stepped forward, horn glowing for the light. There was nothing in front of us but more shadows.

"Please forgive our intrusion into your home," Twi said. "We're here to see Skyggie the Shadow Witch. Is that you, ma'am?"

"Guests! Ah! I haven't had guests in a dog's age," the voice from the shadows said. "Trixie! We've got... Trixie? Blast it, where is that girl! Always vanishin' when I need her... if only all her illusions were as good as her vanishin' act!"

The voice chuckled from the shadows down the hallway. Oh, yeah, this isn't creepy at all!

"I'm right here, Skyggie," Trixie called. "I'm just... escorting our guests to you."

"Ah, wonderful!" Skyggie replied. "Maybe I'll make you my assistant, and get rid of that useless Trixie!"

Trixie gave us a pained look. "Come on," she said, leading us down the hallway.

Amazingly, she didn't look angry, which didn't fit at all what I knew about Trixie's personality. She just looked... I don't know, sad, or something.

The hallway we were in opened into a large, circular room. It looked like... well, like a library, honestly. Bookshelves were stacked against the walls, filled with huge tomes. Twilight let out a little "ooh!" sound as we walked in.

There were also some tables, some big comfy chairs, and a huge fireplace, currently not in use, that was big enough for me to stand in with another pony standing on my back. The place was a bit dusty and untidy, too. There were plates left on the tables along with mugs and teacups, there were open books all over the place, illuminated by candlelight, and there were papers and drawings on every flat surface, including the floor. Oh, and what looked like a big pile of laundry in the middle of the room, too.

That wasn't all, though. To our left as we entered, directly across from the big fireplace, was the biggest danged mirror I've ever seen. It was attached to the wall in a dull frame that looked like it was tarnished silver. It was easily fifteen feet wide and twenty feet tall (or four and a half meters wide by six meters tall, for those of you who prefer metric). It reflected the room with stunning clarity, better than any mirror I'd ever seen before in my life.

"Where is that girl?" I heard from somewhere in the room, and I looked around cautiously for the owner of the raspy voice. Could Skyggie be invisible? I was really getting weirded out, honestly.

When the "laundry" in the room suddenly shifted, though, it all made sense. Skyggie, dressed in tattered black and grey robes that had seen much better days, straightened up and turned to look at us. She threw back her hood, and my first thought was whoah, she's a fox!

Don't take that the wrong way! She wasn't, like, sexy or anything. No, she was literally a fox. Or, at least fox-like, though she stood upright, like a human. She was also kind of portly, and obviously fairly old, the ruddy fur on her face and pointy ears turning to grey.

She had eyes so dark a brown that they looked black in the candlelight, and between the way that her eyes wandered aimlessly and the slightly confused smile on her face, I knew for a fact that there was simply no way this was our villain.

I was so disappointed.

"Say, have any of you seen my assistant?" Skyggie rasped. "Her name is... La-something, I think."

She trailed off, confused.

"I'm here," Trixie said, sounding sad. She moved to stand next to Skyggie, who patted her on the back fondly.

"She's not normally like this," Trixie told us. "This all started a little over a week ago."

"What happened?" Twilight asked.

"She was attempting a spell," Trixie said, then looked ashamed. "I was... trying to help. I fumbled my part of it. Something... came through the mirror."

"That mirror?" I asked, pointing at the huge one in the room.

"Do you see any other mirrors in the room?" Trixie asked pointedly.

"Well, no, but you should never assume!" I said.

"The Dark Queen!" Skyggie said happily. Then she frowned, looking sad. "She told me to get rid of my wind chimes. I miss my chimes."

"D-Dark Queen?" Fluttershy said, hiding behind Rainbow Dash.

"Don't worry," Rainbow assured her. "If we see this Dark Queen person, we'll kick her hindquarters!"

"She's in the mirror!" Skyggie said helpfully, beaming and pointing.

We all turned to look, and... well, yes she was. I sighed with exasperation. This day had started out so nice, and now it's like... just this positive cascade of villains! It's like I'm in a video game, or something.

Anyway, I should probably tell you what the Dark Queen looked like. First of all, imagine the most annoying, smuggest smirk you can imagine. That's the first thing I noticed. She was equine in nature, about the same size and shape that I assumed Celestia would be, but that's where the resemblance ended.

She was definitely not a changeling. Her hide was a silvery-grey, first of all. Her horn and hooves were golden in color, as was the crown on her head. Her gold-colored mane was this extravagantly styled wave that actually arched up over her head in a manner that I would have to make fun of in a little bit, because it was frankly ridiculous. Her tail, also gold, was similarly styled, done up in a fan-shape radiating from her hindquarters.

Her eyes were weird. There were no pupils, just orbs of shifting colors that stared out at us. Sheets of color rippled off of her coat like steam, in all colors of the rainbow. And her wings (because of course she looked like some sort of alicorn...) looked like prismatic butterfly wings. Think like the wings Rarity had, only much bigger, and apparently made out of pure crystal. The wings stood straight out from her sides, flapping slowly.

The Queen took a step forward, and the mirror bowed outwards like it was made of stretchy plastic or something. Then her hoof burst through and the mirror snapped back, rippling like a pond after a rock had been dropped into it. The rest of the Queen's body passed through after that, and she stood in Skyggie's library, smiling smugly at us the whole time.

She took a deep breath, undoubtedly to start talking to us in a condescending tone or tell us how we were all doomed or something. I decided I wasn't really in the mood for that.

"Hi, Queenie!" I chirped. "Nice hair, by the way."

The smirk faded (yay!) and the Queen glowered at me.

"Silence, wretch!" she said, her voice bouncing around the room like a rubber ball on Red Bull. "Show the proper respect for your new Queen!"

"And who are you, that we should call you that?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, many names I do have," the Queen purred, then glared at me as I gave a quick snort of laughter. She decided to ignore me and continued. "There are those who call me Ephemera, and others who name me Mab. I've been called Meave and Rune and Titania. But you, my little ponies, can call me-"

"Queen of the Faeries?" I asked, grinning. I'd recognized a couple of those names, especially that last one. The Queen scowled at me again.

"Do you want me to destroy you? Because I would be more than happy to grant that desire."

"Sorry, sorry," I said contritely, holding up my hooves. "You were introducing yourself, and I interrupted. That was very rude of me. Please, do go on. You were telling us who you were and why you were here?"

"Perhaps you may learn proper servitude, eventually," the Queen said, the smirk returning. And then she started monologuing! "Yon Skyggie did attempt to use the mirror for a viewing, and her clumsy assistant did direct her gaze into my realm, where I seized her mind to peer back into your own world.

"Ah! And what riches I did see here!" she said, pacing gracefully across the floor and gesturing grandly with a hoof.

"Bookcases?" I asked, confused. The Queen looked at me blankly.

"What? No! This land! Equestria! So rich, so happy... such a wonderful place for my kin and kind to settle! Ah, but there were problems. This land is well protected. Not only by your own rulers, these princesses," she said, scoffing. Probably because she thinks Queens outrank Princesses, not knowing that nopony pulls rank on Celestia, "but also by these so-called 'Elements of Harmony'. These objects are powerful enough to stop even one as powerful as I, but they have a fatal flaw: They require all six to work, and all six must be borne by those who truly care for each other."

Ah. I was starting to get it, now.

"The plan was simple," Queen fancy britches was saying. "I would simply remove one of you from the equation. But which one? Ah, the answer became clear! The pink one, she could see across the realms! That made her mind vulnerable to me."

"Hey, Twilight," I whispered. The unicorn turned to look at me and I nodded towards the Queen and said "Glamour."

Twilight's eyes widened and she nodded. Her horn started charging up.

"Twas a simple matter for me to attack her mind, to move it out. And thus, I rendered the Elements of Harmony-" -*pamph!* went Twilight's horn- "completely useless! No longer would they threaten me! I could take over Equestria at my convenience!"

I stuck a hoof in my muzzle to try to stop laughing. Dash and Applejack were doing the same, while Rarity and Twilight just looked on in shock as the Queen's majestic form vanished, and her loud and regal voice rose in pitch to a tiny little squeak.

Now I get to describe her for you again!

The figure that was busily describing all of her plans looked... kind of the same. I mean, greyish coat, crystalline butterfly wings and all that, but now she was about half our size, maybe the size of a foal. Her tiny little wings were fluttering like a hummingbird's as she floated a few feet off the ground, her stubby little horn poking out from between an enormous pair of bug-eyes. Her formerly weirdly-styled mane and tail were just wisps of hair that floated around her head like dandelion fluff. Her limbs stuck out stiffly from her body, which sported an enormous potbelly.

Honestly, she looked like a unicorn chihuahua with crystal butterfly wings. And she was still talking!

"With Celestia out of the way, and you no longer able to use your greatest weapons against me, I shall take over this nation within days! None shall stop me! Ha hahah! Hahahaha!!! Hahaha- oh, bugger, why didn't you tell me my glamour wore off?"

Her stubby little horn glowed, and with a *poof!* sound, the former regal presence reappeared. She glowered at us as we all completely lost it. Even Fluttershy was giggling into her hoof, though she looked guilty about it.

"I strongly advise you to stop laughing," the Queen said, snarling. "Your future health depends upon it."

"You've made a mistake, though," I said, as the giggles died down.

"Oh?" Queenie Meanie said, quirking an eyebrow at me. "And what, pray tell, would that be?"

"You thought you got rid of Pinkie Pie. But you messed up, didn't you?" I said, stepping forward, all eyes on me. "Because Pinkie Pie has been here the whole time!"

That's your cue! I told the little voice in my head.

Uh. What?

Come on, I figured it out a while ago. You're really Pinkie Pie, who's stuck in my head, right?

What? No, dude! I'm your subconscious.

Oh. Drat. Oops!

I glanced around, noticing that all eyes were on me. Except for Skyggie, who was smiling at the ceiling.

Awk~ward, I said to the little voice.

I know, right? it replied.

What do I do? I panicked.

Quick, roll a bluff check!

"That's right!" I said slowly. "Because... I've been Pinkie Pie this whole time! You've fallen for my trap! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...?"

I trailed off, looking around.

Rolled a one, dude, my subconscious told me.

Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack all just looked embarrassed for me. Twilight had face-hoofed, and Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes. Trixie looked lost, which wasn't a surprise.

"That didn't fool anypony," Twilight said, stating the blindingly obvious.

That insufferable smirk had returned to the Queen's face, and she looked all set to get her gloat on. But it was time for Twilight to be epic, and the Faerie Queen never got her chance.

"Pinkie Guy isn't wrong, though," she said, horn glowing as she stood in front of me. "You have made a mistake. A critical one, that will prove to be your undoing."

When the Queen replied, she sounded condescending. But, if you looked really close, you could see a glimmer of worry in her eye.

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"You assumed that we wouldn't become friends with the person you put in Pinkie's head. We've gotten to know him, over the last week. He's kind, he's funny, and he truly likes us. And we like him. The Elements are powered by friendship. Well, this is our friend!"

Oh, god. Right in the heart, guys. Right in the heart. Pure happy tears came pouring out. Manly tears, of course, in spite of the fact that I was a bright pink pony at that moment.

"It will do you no good without the Elements," the Queen pointed out snidely. "And now that you've so foolishly delivered yourself to me, here, I shall make certain that you never have the chance to use them!"

Whatever spell Twilight had been casting finally went off, blanketing the room with a brilliant white light. When it faded, I noticed that I had something around my neck. Take a guess at what I saw when I looked down!

"You mean these Elements of Harmony?" Twilight asked sweetly.

"But... how did..?"

"After the trouble we had with Discord hiding the Elements and Chrysalis stopping us from reaching them in the first place, Celestia and I worked out a spell that I could cast that would summon the Elements to us, wherever we are. You won't be ruling Equestria today, Dark Queen!"

Then she looked back at us and said, "Girls, formation!"

I hopped over next to the others, a little mantra in my head going Oh, goody! Oh, goody! Oh, goody! on an infinite loop.

Sometimes, it really is that easy to beat a bad guy. The Elements warmed up, and I felt a connection to the others that I can't even describe. I could feel them: Applejack's honesty. Rainbow Dash's loyalty. Rarity's generosity and Fluttershy's kindness. And, tying it all together, the fearless, peerless leader, Twilight Sparkle and the friendship she felt for all of us. Even for me.

My hooves left the floor, and rainbow light cascaded out of us, washing over the Queen and instantly dispelling her glamour. She had time for one last, squeaky "Noooo!" before she crumpled into dust, which then got sucked back into the mirror. The light washed over Skyggie, too, who blinked and looked around as if she was just waking up. And, I noticed, a little thread of rainbow light went back down the hallway we'd just walked through. I had an inkling that I knew what that was for, though I didn't really want to believe it.

Finally, the light faded, and we set gently back down on the ground. I was pooped, I can tell ya. Those Elements take a lot out of you!

Then I was treated to the most rare and precious thing I've ever experienced in my life: The Mane 6 group hug. My heart positively melted, I tell you!

Everything was perfect! Well, almost everything. I was still in Pinkie's body, after all. And there was just one more thing...

"Who the censored are you, and what are you doing in my house?" Skyggie shouted.