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Nightfall is over Equestria and the moon shines brightly as Princess Luna protects her subjects. However, a creature comes to Equestria in the night, crash landing inside the Everfree. Its arrival will spark a search for things forgotten and bring terrors into the peaceful land. Luna must put the pieces of a mighty puzzle together to protect her ponies, but enemies are around every corner and allies are few and far in-between.
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hmm...predator? idk, looking good so far ^^
Like it want moar!!!!!!
Okay, dank Titel gehe ich mal davon aus, auch Deutscher?
Wenn ja kann ich ja weiter schreiben, wenn nein simply ask me to translate my oncoming word barrage
Also, warum ich hier ausnahmsweise in deutsch schreibe ist schlicht und einfach, weil es mir so deutlich leichter fält, dir meine Kritik zu erklären.
Mir ist gleich zu anfang an den Sätzen und der Satzart aufgefallen, dass du wohl kein nativ speaker der englischen Sprache bist. Dafür wirken deine Sätze einfach zu sehr nach Schul-Englisch. Sie sind kurz, präzise und kommen auf EINEN Punkt.
Willst du einen weiteren Punkt ansprechen, benutzt du gleich einen völlig neuen Satz. Versuche das ein wenig zu vermeiden, da der gesamte Text sonst zu Blockhaft und abgehackt wirkt.
Außerdehm wiederholst du dich sehr oft. Wenn du wie oben bereits erwähnt einen neuen Punkt beginnst, beginnst du einen neuen Satz, mit beinahe dem gleichen Vokabular. Das macht es unheimlich ermüdend und... ja, langweilig deine ansonsten interessante Geschichte zu lesen.
Kleines Beispiel:
It looked at its hands inspecting the damage.
It turned its head to look at its surroundings.
It could barely see in the downpour.
It climbed out of the crater that it made when it crashed.
Fält dir etwas auf? Die Sätze sind beinahe gleich aufgebaut und sehen bis auf den Inhalt nahezu identisch aus. versuche solche Gebilde zu vermeiden. Den meißten lesern wird nach dem ersten Satz klar sein, dass du von "Es" redest und kannst dann etwas mit dem Satzbau spielen.
It lookes at it's hands inspecting the damage done to it's body, all the while taking in it's surroundings.
Barely able so see in the Downpour it moved forward to the edge of the crater starting to climb out of it.
Wieder ein Unterschied festgestellt? Anstatt 4 Sätze zu verwenden, brauchte ich nur 2. Ja, sie sind länger aber das macht dennoch einen gewaltigen Unterschied aus. Wichtig dabei, die Information die ich meinen Lesern gebe, sollte zusammenhängend sein. Wir haben beide gerade das gleiche gesagt, Es sieht sich seine Hände und die Umgebung an. Im Regen kann es nicht sehen und klättert aus dem Krater. Aber bei dir ist jede Grundinformation von der darauf folgenden völlig losgelöst. Nachdem es sich seine Hände anguckt, könnte auch ein Monolog starten, die Erde aufbrechen oder sonst irgendetwas passieren. Wenn du seine Sätze aber zusamenhängend gestaltest wird der Leser durch die Geschichte geführt, anstelle sbroboskoplicht-artig kurze abgehackte Einblicke zu erhalten.
Kommen wir jetzt noch zum Layout.
Du machst sehr häufig Absätze, obwohl sie gar nicht nötig sind. Stell dir deine Geschichte wie einen Film vor.
Bild im Geiste?
Gut! Und jetzt schreibe über die Szene, die du siehst. Mache keine vollständigen Absätze, bis du mit der Szene fertig bist. So kann dein Leser nämlich die gesamte Szene ebenfalls als ein Teil wahrnehmen und identifizieren. Zumal dir das einen klaren Vorteil verschafft. Möchtest du jetzt auf irgendeine Stelle aufmerksam machen, reicht ein einfacher Absatz
und schon guckt der Leser besonders auf diese Stelle, weil sie aus dem üblichen Text herauszustechen scheint. Na gut, es scheint nicht nur so, das macht sie auch und weil ich hier gerade wie ein Schussel um den heißen Brei herumrede erzeuge ich genug Text um das hoffentlich anschaulich machen zu können.
Willst du jetzt noch trotzdem etwas ganz besonder hervor heben kannst du wieder mit Absätzen spielen und jeweils eine Zeile frei lassen.
Siehst du? so einfach geht das.
)
Versteh mich nicht falsch, ich bin von der Idee deiner Geschichte fasziniert und ich hoffe du schreibst weiter an deiner Geschichte, aber für die Wort- und Textwahl solltest du dir mehr Zeit nehmen um deine Geschichte noch zu verbessern. Ein Interessantes Konzept ist Leider in der Literatur nicht das einzige, was zählt. Ich weiß es ist schwierig in einer Fremdsprache großartige Geschichten zu verfassen und ich habe bisher auch noch keine geschrieben, aber lass dich davon nicht entmutigen.
Frag' doch einfach mal ein paar Leute in deinem Umfeld, die englisch gut können, ob sie deine Geschichte vorher lesen wollen um verbesserungen daran vorzunehmen, bevor du sie hochlädst. (Und damit solchen Wortlawinen wie von mir jetzt zu entgehen
Nichts desdo trotz, tolle Story, cooles Konzept, Fav and Like
836500 I'm actually not German. I just wanted a title that sounded epic and a German title fit the bill. Thanks for the info though. I'll get on that. Sorry for the tediousness of the read I wrote this on a whim.
840622
oh well, it certanly did sound epic, kind of the reason I looked into the story after all
Don't be sorry, I simply noticed something, pointed that out and did hope it would help you improve. (glad you could at least read/understand my ranting)
more..More..MORE..!!!!!MORE!!!!!
dont know what to say except more plz
Moar.!!!!!!!!!
iv'e got a mixture of feels and what ever epic makes you feel, but
I
NEED
MOAR
1148380 Mixed Feelings?
1165116
maybe, but seeing as though I have a number of different feelings all at once I would say it's something else...
God... why in the world is this not getting updated, this is a great story, please don't tell me you've stopped updating it
. I await future chapters.
Why You no Comment?!
1556474
Because it's such a good story?
But seriously. Original and good story. More, I cannot say.
I think people don't comment, because your story isn't that popular.
Only 37 people have viewed this.
1572638 I meant on the story in general it just happened to end up on this specific chapter.
1572800 Well then I'll adjust my comment here.
Not that many people have read your story at all.
I think this is partially to blame on the slow updating of your story and when you do update it isn't that much.
This story is relevant to my interests but the material provided doesn't fulfill my needs.
...
MOAR!
1577994 I hope that the up and coming chapters are more to your liking then.
Interesting, looking forward to see where you take this.
Hope this 'Restructuring' is something good instead of making him more of a soulless, more efficient killing machine.
1705278
Exactly how I feel
Giant cyborg killing machine and Sweaty Belle... Dawwwwwwwwwwwww
To be frank, timberwolves probably would have more of a sap substance as opposed to blood.
Sweetie's magic is green, not blue.
1901343 No it's Blue I checked. It's blue in the show.
1901352
After a vastly accelerated viewing of all the episodes that she's in, I could only find one instance of her using magic at all.
http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/32800000/Finally-Sweetie-Belle-s-magic-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-32875724-1920-1080.png
1902013 She uses magic in Season 1 or 2, I thought. Well, I'll keep looking into it. Yes the spark in One Bad Apple was indeed green but I remember seeing Blue in one of the earlier seasons.
uh-oh.
let the ass kicking.....BEGIN!!!
Oh noes I need MOAR!
Something sort of cool about this story, was from the first chapter to the current last, I noticed a pretty good increase in your writing skill. Pretty neat, watching it over the course of thirty minutes or so, however long it too me to read.
Anyways, critiquing the older chapters is a bit useless, seeing as you actually did seem to fix a lot of your issues you were having that I saw. Anyways, the descriptions before were fairly okay, but the syntax just seemed too... simple. But, as I said, as your story progressed and you wrote more, your sentences and descriptions improved, as did the plot.
The whole thing with Sweetie being so keen to befriend the monster was just a bit fishy to me... I realize that he DID save her life and all, but I mean... he absolutely ripped the timberwolf apart in front of her very eyes, and the same for the mandi... BLAH I can't think of the name and I'm too lazy to look it up lol. Anyways, I feel that a filly like Sweetie Belle would be severely scarred after witnessing something like that. Also, the other Cutie Mark Crusaders also seemed to gentle up to him a bit too quickly as well. We haven't seen the CMC for a few chapters now, but what's done is done there.
More so than the CMC chapters, I prefered hearing about the princesses the most. The whole plot with Luna and Celestia, and I don't want to spoil anything in the comments, but I feel I know the direction you're going to take with Luna's connection to Volos, and it's really cool. His backstory is really interesting so far, and I can't wait to see just how it unfolds.
The scenes before the big fight thing were pretty good, with Celestia and Luna trying to figure out where Volos had gone. I'm really curious as to what happened with the star that Luna missed... I couldn't think of anything. Time will tell, I guess. Anyways, the night court scene was pretty great. I could just imagine Luna sitting on her throne for however long, staring at an open door leading to an empty hallway as bored as can be. I'm sort of jumping around in this review, but I also quite liked the reference to the old pony that Celestia had. Though, that was a bit creepy, truthfully, having Celestia hold him basically prisoner in her basement for who knows how long lol.
Okay, now, on to the actual fight scene thing itself. I thought this was the best written part, and I feel it's probably your strong point as far as writing goes, as all the fight scenes were well done. It's like me and clop-fics, I guess. But the descriptions of the torn landscape and towns/villages were pretty great, and the fight scene itself with Celestia and Luna was well written too. The biggest problem I had was with Fluttershy. I can understand that she IS one of the element's, but the guards seemed to go out of their way trying to help her out of every other pony, yet when Twilight had an issue, the guard basically told her to screw off. Again, I understand it's because she was hurt, but I feel the guards could have been evacuating more people, instead of spending so much time on one pony.
Also, Valos just seems so overpowered and doesn't really fit in the story and setting, but I'm not going to judge the story on that, because this is the first cross-over I've read and it just took me some time to get used to it. I'm not accustomed to really reading stories like this, so it's my fault, not yours, so really you can just completely ignore everything I just said lol.
So, being this is the first cross-over I've read, I did still enjoy it fairly thoroughly. I will be for sure to come back for more chapters as soon as you write more. I can understand 100% what it's like when people want you to write, but you just don't have the time or the motivation to keep it up. All I can say, is just write when you feel the need. Writing through writer's block is probably a good way to help prevent it, or at least help you cope with it in the future, but with a story that's slowly getting better and better as you write it, I wouldn't worry too much about putting stuff out and just write when you feel you have some good ideas and the time/effort built up to act on it.
3.5/5 But with more chapters like the recent ones, the rating will go up pretty well. You earned my thumbs up for sure, and keep enjoying your writing.
Also, I lied. It was supposed to be short. Oh well.
1935421 Thanks for the constructive criticism. I appreciate that you took the time to analyze and give educated opinions and comments, instead of going "This story sucks" or "You're a terrible writer." As for the story itself, this is the first time I've written something like this. At the beginning I wanted the story to revolve around Sweetie Belle but as time went on it began to go in the direction of Luna being the central component, which in my opinion, is a better direction than Sweetie Belle. The beginning parts with the CMC were also somewhat experimental in the sense of story reception. Which means "How are the readers going to react to this?" Yes, I agree with you that she was quick to accept him but there are things in each chapter that contributed to that. The timber wolf piece, for example, it was dark and raining, she couldn't really see what he did, she only knew that he had done something. Edits on these earlier parts could come in the future, just because I the only reason they are there, now that I know where this story is going and will be going from this point on, is to introduce Volos and Luna's connection to one-another.
Volos appearing to be overpowered is the result of me wanting to create the ultimate being (Read Insanity War for another example of this). I chose to do something like this because it is outside real science but also within it's constraints as well. For some reason my mind likes to come up with these mega powerful creatures, robots etc. The possibility of something like Volos is far-fetched but could be possible in the future be it near or far. Because his back-story is done in little bits here and there things will not become totally clear until later chapters.
As for Fluttershy, EVERYTHING (I'm not yelling, only emphasizing) will be explained and or confronted in the next chapter. So, why was Fluttershy the one guards went out of their way to save, and why the guard was such a jerk. Fear not my friend, everything you mentioned will be brought to light in the next chapter, not because you said something, but because it's what I was planning on when I wrote this most recent chapter.
NOOOOOOOOOOO I NEED MOAR!
FASTER!MOAR!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More now.
Sygdydgdhhfurjdbhdkwoxmiflforopskhgxyeuskkxhjdko
ancient aliens, we need we need the pony version NOW.
lul wut
1947980 What are you "Wutting" about?
1947989 I am the wutter it is my duty
From what I heard of your update time, I wasn't quite expecting to see three new chapters when I got on. I'm pleasantly surprised, though, good reads. I'm REALLY getting curious as to what Luna's connections to Volos' are. I think I have an idea, but I don't want to say it outloud.
1951400 PM me then, I want to know where you think this is going, you may be right and you may be wrong but I won't tell you which.
i LOVE this
keep up the good work!
1953412 I'll do my best. Thanks for the compliment. I like hearing what others think about my work, being it good or bad.
I want him to come back to life and slaughter the scientists. I hate their personalities on how they say this opens a new world to technology and Some other bullshit. I say they all die.
1954954 I"m Sorry? I guess?
Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about. I hate their characters but that is something I look for in nearly every story. A character that I can truly despise.
1954980 Oh, That makes sense.
Your progressing very well in this story. Continue with haste good sir. Godspeed to you Darkalicorn.