When a human appears in Equestria and is considered a threat, he is forced to flee from everything in the new land with nobody to help him while he is chased by colorfull ponies that want nothing but put him in a cage.
and le pl0t thikens......FIRST
You'll get a lot of downvotes for this, without giving you any advice, but I'll try to be helpful.
=>New person speaking means new paragraph.
=>Avoid bolding letters, going !?, and other such things unless you really rarely need to. Do it too much and it's like shouting to reader's ears.
=>Avoid huge wall-of-text paragraphs.
=>Try to expand out your process. Instead of just being "X happened. Then, there was Y. Then, Z occurred.", try to really go for totally-thought out characters and show descriptions as well as just events.
And there's a lot of issues with this fic. I suggest just going through and reading a lot of other people's stories here-- later looking at them as guides to help you learn.
Don't go "First!" That's a bannable offense on this site.
(Long drawn out sigh) Ok, I'll try to be nice but, here's what I noticed
- When you have a character speaking you use ( " " ) to mark out speech example; She said with a hint of anger dripping in her voice " I can't believe that you thought you could get away with that! "
- Spelling errors, example; 'tought' is supposed to be 'thought' I believe?
I'll stop here as I'm pretty sure that somone else more qualified in giving lessons will have seen this story as of right now.
EDIT; I figured as much. So Proto (if it's alright with you) make sure you listen to Swiper, the guy is an excellent author
Error filled/ vague description + goberment = me no readie
You might want to improve you description. It is usually what decides whether or not a potential reader will pick up your story in the first place (though the writing will speak for itself).
Once I saw "goberment" I thought to myself NOPE
Try to use a more descriptive way of speaking, instead of just saying "This happened, then this caused that."
Like your introduction, instead of:
It was a normal morning in Equestria. It was like 8 o'clock when everypony started to wake up in the city of Canterlot. Some stores were just opening and the fillies and colts were hurrying to school. But it wasn't the same some hundreds of meters under that city.
In the crystal caves in the underground of the city there was a loud explosion and a portal opened. From the portal started to appear little particles that were starting to form a figure in the ground. When it was complete, it was a human, but it was unconscious. After the human was complete, the portal closed.
It was a quiet morning in Equestria. Celestia's sun ticked slowly across the sky, indicating it was roughly 8o'clock. The city of Canterlot was beginning to stir. Store fronts were being opened, and little fillies and colts frolicked as they linked hoofs with their parents to get to school. Unknown to all, an unprecedented occurrence was taking place in the long forgotten Crystal Caves hundreds of meters underneath the capital city. A loud 'BOOM' echoed through the desolate chambers, and a glowing portal appeared where a solid wall of crystal was supposed to be. The portal began to seep particles, which promptly began to sew themselves together to form an undistinguishable figure. When it was complete, it somewhat resembled a pony standing on their hind legs. The creature feebly stirred, unable to regain consciousness. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, the portal vanished.
I'm not actually that much of a writer but descriptive language is always good to use.
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Sorry if this is bad written. This is just my first story and I knew it would be bad and it's filled with miatakes because english is not my native languaje.
EDIT-- Also, thanks for the help. I'll try to do what you have told me.
that is not a difference tia
and ponies are gullible
More parts to this story!!!!!!
I hope the ponies realize they're making a mistake.
he's tricky that human, possibly smart enough to outsmart Pinkie Pie
I love his trickery and how they fall for it
But for your writing: You keep forgetting the "E" in Escape and you spelled floor as flour
Thanks for telling me that, I just kept getting the feeling that I was writing something wrong.
In the next chapter you should make a unicorn grab him with levitation and as hes being pulled away he grads a trash can and spins super fast, in mid-air switching places with the can causing her magic to hold the trash can instead of him
I try to have my character as normal as possible because that makes it more interesting. Also, what is the fun if he doesn't piss off the pony that tries to catch him ?
>>832957832957 good point, but still you should make him do something amazing like cloimb a building in three seconds or something,anything to make him look kick-ass
I think you already saw what happened when he tried to climb Carroucel Boutique, so climbing a building won't be easy for him anytime soon
sir i would very much appreciate it if i could have more of this wonderful fiction
The flow in the speech is... really bad. I like what you are attempting, but...
You're... not a native English speaker, are you?
No, I'm not, but I am trying my best at writing this
This guy is hilarious!
lol pinkie its chimeney sepcion
I hope they get him sometime soon, i would like to see what he does then
Oh look, an update. Lets see here.......
I can't wait until Fernando gets a gun and starts shooting everypony.
Whenever a new chapter of this story comes up, I listen to MacGyver's theme while reading it. So fitting xD
HELLO MY NAME IS FERNANDO AND IM HERE TO THROW ROCKS AT YOUR HEAD
"not a human being." QUICK! I THINK WE FOUND SNAKE!
I would recommend that you please slow down with the chapter releases, and edit them more carefully before releasing.
>>863802863802 Bullsh*t. If he slows down the chapter realeases I will have nothing to do with my free time.
fernando the troll
By now I would of expected him to be like "If it's a monster they want. Than it's a monster they'll get!" And turn evil-ish. Still, it's good, and I really like where this is going.
Sorry, just a filler because I'm getting a writer block
I wonder how RD, AJ , twilight even celestia would react when they find out he's only a kid.
and they ask why he runs away?
his future was a cell (cage) and two of his hunters want him as a piñata...
hahahahahahaha that will be awesome >>879524879524
The greatest menace that Equestria have ever seen, and his name is......Fernando Dun Dun Duuuuuuuunnnnnnn.
"In the dark streets of Canterlor, Fernando is sneaking past some ponies that were exiting a restaurant while humming the Mission Impossible theme."
>>818031818031 How is that offensive?
6 billion not 600 thousand million. is that the same...
well actuly its more like 7 billion
what the fuck are we gong to do
we could always invade equistria
did you just spell floor as flour? again?
we reached 7 billion last winter
It's on now.
What happened to his pride!?
>>899487899487 That's what I want to know ... I don't see any reason for him to apologies for anything
I mean he goes on and on about pride but just after a day or 2 he eats from trash, a Human can keep up pretty long without food and I know from personal experience that 2 days is not nearly enough for someone to start eating trash. Water is a far bigger problem, but he left the river in order to get back into a city, that's just plain stupid. No water, only trash a food and thousands of ponies after him. Even a 14 year old would not do that, the wilderness is a far better bet.
Also I think he's too mature for a 14 year old, he basically acts like a grown up, the only reason hes 14 is to make the ponies feel bad for him. Next thing is, why would the Princess contain him ? She has shown him to her entire population already and he has proven to be no danger to them but she still locks him up ?
I like the story but I feel that those points have to be explained because for me it looks like every chapter a new pothole pops up
she already said she wasnt going to lock him up and hey i am 15 since 1 month and i am pretty mature
>> Langly >> norsefire
Maybe he's planning something and this is all just a part of his plan! Could happen.
You know that they already apologized and said that he's not going to be locked up.
He does has his pride. Remember that he didn't want to tell that he ate trash. The water did seem as a problem, but there's the part where he said that he had zero to nothing on hunting skills, and he didn't know that in those forests there is hardly any danger, so that made the wilderness another bad choice. Also, there is the fact thats he was being hunted, and staying in one place for too long is never good. There was a time when I heard that you couldn't survive for long without water, but every kind of food has a part made of water, even if it's minimal, it helps to not die of dehydration. He is a little mature, but not too much, because almost every tactic he used to get away was used from a cartoon. The princess at first wanted to contain him because of the portal's magic, that was very powerful as she said, and seeing as he was a creature that no one knew until then, she still needed to capture him for the safety of Equestria. Then, when she presented him to the inhabitants, she made him look like some sort of fugitive or wild animal, and if he was seen in the streets after he was captured, that would generate questions and other things that she didn't want to deal with. At the end, he apologizing was just to make fun of Rainbow Dash and Luna, who unlike her sister, I consider that she might have a little more problems handling her anger.
I hope that this clears all of your questions.
im 15 and if i wasnt mature i would have NEVER survied my first 2 yeas of high school. im gona be a junior next year and if i cant get any more mature i am fing screwed
>>901343901343 He didn't want to do anything his religion frowned on, yet he dropped the f-bomb? That's something religions frown upon as well.
I don't really understand all of the english expressions, but assuming that f-bomb is another way of referring to f*ck, I think that saying it is bad only when using it to insult other people or wanting them to feel bad.
If I'm wrong in my assumption, please correct me.
>>901792901792 Yes, it's another way to refer to it.
I. Want. MOAR!!!!
Yeah but these are the same creatures who wanted to bury him alive, use him for experiments, and Rainbownuke him into submission. I'd trust them with a grain of salt.
It just seems a bit odd because most people, when faced with unjust imprisonment and experimentation by a foreign power would escape at the first possible moment. The fact that they're pastel coloured horses are an even more reason for him to run away. That's what's been good in this fic, he's been acting rationally whilst behaving 'in-universe', unlike most characters who kneel in front of Celestia the moment they see her.
This seems like a reverse of that.
Who knows? Maybe I can think of a way for him to keep running away
"I simply erased all of their from the past days"
so lets run again sigh how i want to run too with him
I'm glad I can understand broken English well... An interesting way of bringing in Discord btw. A very evil stunt.
.... God damn it
BUT WAIT! Discord forgot the notes.
That is the Discord that we know and love!
not a murder machine, but a "meanie"
fernando is the ultimate troll
His patron saint HAS to be Bugs Bunny. No one else is that good at talking his way out of trouble.
Funny stuff, but Discord failed to remember one thing -- favouring one side too much leads to a sense of order in your actions.
... Celestia, Twilight, and the others are all going to feel both played, and like complete morons once everything comes out in the wash. I'm betting Fernando is in for an earbashing no matter what happens, but Discord is in for Hoof McGillicuddy to his right testicle, and Kicks McGee to his left.
Say, if Fernando's voice has just been pitchshifted, what would happen if he screamed as loudly as he could?
I really don't know what would happen , but it was the only thing I could think of that justified the Elements not fixing it.
Just by reading the first chapter let me say this: please at the very least get some who speaks english to proof read it. Even if its just the first chapter. Its hard to get into the story when I am constaintly looking at spepling and gramar errors. I enjoy the premise but I cant tell if your actual story is good or not.
>>933922933922 i don't think those with enhanced hearing would be very happy if he screamed.
Hey, I know that it's a bit late to do this, but is there someone that wants to be the pre-reader of this story?
ok what does HHT mean
In the third chapter Rainbow Dash tells Fernando that they are the Human Hunters Team (HHT) but since Discord erased the memories of the ponies then he's the only one that knows that name.
I think you should write it out, I forgot what it means too
Just use Find and Replace before posting the chapter if you don't want to bother writing it out when you write the chapter
If anything, I would suggest maybe getting a friend who either has English as their native language, or just someone more versed in the English language edit your stories. Otherwise, I love the concept and plot thus far. It's pretty easy to stay with, pardon the mess ups on grammar.
The problem is that almost all of my friends don't know english, and the ones that do know it, aren't bronies
I can see how it could be an issue. You Could Write them up in Microsoft or Open office, and send them to an internet friend to proofread. While useful, even those programs can't fix up grammar mistakes perfectly. You would have to email the document to do that though, or you could do it through facebook. It's a bit more difficult to do that through facebook though.
make him make a deal with dicord alowwing him to talk again if he deosnt tell them the deal he has with discord now
SHIT IS ABOUT TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THE FAN!!!!
Firstly god/karma/fate or something really hares him when it comes to dash and secondly when fluttershy gets ahold of him he is screwed and I don't think discord will want to save him when that happens
Thats the first time I see someone having the same idea about the stare. I was always thinking that it would not affect someone who thinks that he hasn't done anything wrong.
Fucking hell... I hope fluttershy doesn't murder poor Fernando just to be "friends"
Next u should make Fernando unaffected by telekineses.
I wonder what the bowl and spoon taste like?
SO DISCORD IS A VEGETARIAN
baked clay and metal lol
No Discord is not a vegetarian. He obviously eats eating utensils and bowls. Don't know what thats called but eating clay, glass and metal does not count as vegetarian... I WILL THINK OF A NAME FOR IT!!!
You know, at the beginning I was thinking that he might be too clever but now I'm starting to believe the opposite. He gets screwed over by Discord again and again and still makes deals with him.