Chaz a high school student suddenly begins to see cartoon ponies every where and no one else seemed to notice. Life was about to get a whole lot more interesting.
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Alazak
Joined 25th Feb, 2012 ·
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Have you been reading Lucefudu fics lately or is that title coincidental?
i liked it. i almost cried at the end.
811162
never heard of them/it I'll have to look it up. Thanks for the read and the title is a parody of Dr. strange love.
wow
The sixth sense.
I see cartoon ponies.
811954
HA! That's great.
DUDE THAT WAS SO GOOD i mean this was such a good story that i cried at the end a little but i somewhat knew that they were not gone but cheers to you my good man because you have a new fan. oh and you know what, if you want when i get my flash program, if you want i could make a long cartoon movie for you. just if you want it because you and i would have to talk about the people in this story and the more they look like but yeah you know what i mean so good job again and see ya around.
811985
812182
Thanks it always makes me happy to see some one enjoy one of my stories. The irony of this was I realy don't like HiE stories and though what would I write to make one. And this is what I got. It had several diffrent endings but I liked this one the most.
odd thing a long time ago i was walking through the shops and i actually thought i could see ponies walking around. natually i ignored them and got on with my day never saw them again.... but theres one thing that strikes me as odd with that. this was before i had even heared of mlp yet the pony i thought i could see that day was pink and honestly looked alot like pinkie.......
well my mind is full of buck right now.
811162 That stuck, huh?
As for the story... It has an interesting premise, but the execution is severely lacking. For one, there is absolutely zero emotion in the text; I could summarize the entire story with this: "Begins to see ponies -> Friends joke -> Friends OK -> Marry -> Continues seeing ponies". There were so many scenes that needed to be further explained, but you decided to quickjump them instead. You could've shown us more of his initial interactions with the ponies. You could've showed his mental debate upon whether or not he was becoming insane (Because, y'know, listening creatures only you can see telling you that they are real isn't something trustworthy). There was a plethora of opportunities for this story to be good... and I'm confused as to why you didn't take them (you even passed the opportunities for his friends, foolishly trying to help him, have him sent to a mental institution, but no, they accept that seeing things is OK). One last thing: I cannot imagine how one's life could improve if he were to see ponies (and not be a brony). How fucking annoying would that be? It's just like you, right now, seeing a bunch of overly friendly aliens everywhere you went. And this is also something you, for some reason, decided to skip... the opportunity to show us Chaz coming to terms with his pseudo-schizophrenia.
With a lot of work, this could become something interesting. But as it currently stands, I'm giving this a no.
PS: Commas. You need to learn how to use them. Fast! Their absence nearly made me abandon this fanfic without reaching the end. There are also several punctuation errors other than the commas.
PPS: You should also try to format your texts in a better way. First there are linebreaks only on the left corner. Then, as the story progresses, there are none at all.
PPPS: The narrator should be impartial to everyone inside the story (unless he is also a part of the story). So, 'Chaz' and other nicknames are for when his friends mention him during dialogs. When the narrator is doing his job, use his real name.
What is that supposed to mean?
815188
well you have a point on the storys over view but i don't think you see the story as you read because this story (for me) play out like the movie marley and me because of how this story had its time where things just didn't have to be all about the "ifs" but more about the over lay of how this character takes in the so call "cartoons" because in the first place he was not new to cartoons and i know that if you were a man that was scared of other world crossing pony's that could talk to him and no other could then i think that he would go to a mental institution but no the guy was not scared of cartoons that just said hi and talked to him. And the fact that you wanted to abandon a story that was really nice with its funny and crazy take on for life if this ever happened really just make me think why you would do that. But again this is what i saw and this may have not been what you saw so i do give you the fact that the format was a little off and the minor errors in the text but the fact of it all was if you could feel the emotion it was there but if you could not then it was not there that's just it simple as it was and now that i have give my point to this story with how it was good to me.
now don't get mad at me because i'm not saying that "oh you have no emotion to the story so your heartless" because This is what i see in the story and it may have not been what you seen so i want to thank you for putting out that of what you think because this story had so hard times but to me was over all great.
thank you for your time to read this and hope to cross path again and have the same mind.
815888 God knows I've tried, but I can't understand more than three sentences of your comment.
815943
oh im sorry i got over hand but it just said that i feel what you mean but i like the story really much thats all.
see ya later.
Cool story brony
Amazing story, I am better for reading it