Survival with Vinyl Scratch: Orchestra

by ExplodingDucks

Look, a Tavi!

Vinyl Scratch, stage name DJ Pon3, also known as the Queen of Clubs, the life of a party, the Goddess of the Turntable and the MC of Ponyville. She was a party animal, drinking her nights away and sleeping through the day. But this Vinyl Scratch was unrecognizable. She was still wearing her signature purple shades, but her normal electric-blue manedo was styled quite a lot like a Canterlot noble. She wasn’t happy with this arrangement, but it was necessary. She was blackmailed into doing so by the incredibly evil pony standing to the right of her. Octavia Philharmonica.

‘If you wear that outfit and that manedo to a high-end concert like the one we will be attending tonight, I will make you sleep on the couch!’

It was her house too! Why was SHE the one who had to sleep on the couch?

A little in her head pony nickered ‘The mare is always right.’

Well, she was a mare too! Shouldn’t that give her a couple of points in her favour?

The slow, calming music washed over her. Her eye started to droop and a loud yawn threatened to escape from her mouth. Her muzzle opened and a grey muzzle shoved itself into her mouth, a pair of purple eyes staring straight into her soul. The pair of eyes narrowed, and the grey pony shook her head slowly and menacingly, as if daring Vinyl to do something stupid. Of course, being Vinyl, she’s never passed up an opportunity to do something stupid.

Vinyl licked Tavi’s grey hoof.

The effect was immediate. They grey hoof shot out of her mouth and said hoof promptly smacked her over the back of her head.

‘Ow’

‘Hush Vinyl. We’re not at one of your low-key parties. We’re surrounded by some of the most esteemed members of nobility and high-class society. Would you want us to get kicked out of such a prestigious event?’

‘Actually-‘

‘EXACTLY’

Vinyl slumped back into her seat. Well, the pony in her head began in a Braytish accent, what you encountered there was a wild Tavi-

‘Are you narrating to yourself again, Vinyl?’

‘No.’

‘Good.’

Tavis are known to be volatile towards their mates at the smallest sign of anything. They are more likely to strike if the action does if the action has absolutely no effect on their lives.

‘Vinyl?’

‘Yeah Tavi?’

‘Can you stop staring at me like that? It makes it hard for me to concentrate.’

The DJ struck a pose. ‘Why? It is because my rugged good looks are too radiant for you to handle?’

The grey cellist blushed. ‘No. Just… stop staring at me, okay?’

‘I can’t help that your too pretty to- hey! Why’d you do that? I was complimenting you!’

‘Vinyl.’

‘What?’

‘There’s perfectly good music in front of you.’ A grey hoof moved her muzzle to face the front. ‘See? Good music. What you normally listen to? Bad music. Are you listening? Good filly. Now stop interrupting me.’

The rambunctious DJ slumped on her chair.

Tavis are also known to use mind games to get what they want. They do not hesitate to use methods that are puerile but proven to be effective on their mate to get what they desire. They can often to seen pouting, pleading and using a natural phenomenon of equine biology called ‘widening their eyes’. They often flaunt around their natural beauty to attract their mate to become what is, in essence, a mindless Tavi-slave. They often also use advanced mind-tricks to guilt their mate into doing what they want and have no guilt in doing so. They use a tactic that can be described as ‘emotional blackmail’. They achieve this by putting the entire balance of the relationship into the equation.

‘Vinyl?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Could you fetch me a drink?’

‘You’re holding a bottle of water.’

‘Please be a dear and refill my glass of champagne.’

‘No’

‘Please?’

‘No’

There was a slight whimpering sound. Vinyl braced herself. It was at this moment that Vinyl knew that she bucked up.

‘B-but… but I thought you loved me!’

Oh dear Celestia, Vinyl thought, here we go.

‘Well, I do b-b-buh... just stop looking like that!’

Octavia’s eyes just widened further and pouted harder.

Resist Vinyl, resist! Resist the foul beast and its marely wiles. Steel your courage and say no. Go do it! Show that you don’t have to be a Tavi-slave!

‘Fine, I’ll do it.’

It never works.

The Braytish pony in her head continued. Tavis are comparable to the Sirens of ancient mythologies of Fleece. Its unimaginable power of manipulation is impossible to resist and it uses this as its main tool of maintaining control within its territory.
And that’s why Vinyl Scratch, the one pony one should never see anywhere within a hundred feet of a noblepony, stood at the bar, clad in a slick, black suit, surrounded by nobleponies.

Nobles are a very interesting species of animal, the voice spoke again, This species of animals are the self-proclaimed ‘top-of-the-social-food-chain’. They have a peculiar way of trotting. It seems that nobles cannot breathe if their muzzles are level with their eyes, or lower, as they tend to walk with their noses high into the air. Only guesses can be made about how these animals see where they trot.
Preferably off the edge of a cliff, another pony in her head snorted.

‘You. Hurry up. I have more important customers to serve.’

Vinyl stared at this bartender. ‘You wanna run that by me again, buddy?’

‘Hurry up. The important folk are waiting.’

Vinyl’s left eye twitched. The bartender stared back at her, unaware that he was staring into the face of death. Don’t kill him don’t kill him don’t kill him don’t kill him don’t kill hi-

‘Hurry up, peasant.’

Imma kill him.

A loud thud sounded as a large bottle of whiskey smashed itself over the bartender’s head, the bottle encased in a light blue aura.
There was only silence.

All the nobles and social elites could only stare at Vinyl as she stood there, hissing at the unconscious bartender. A gentle voice started up again.

Nobles are very territorial also. They can be likened to a hive-mind. If one is injured by a creature that is inferior to them (in other words, anyone that is not one of them), then they display incredible teamwork and leadership to destroy the thing that threatened one of their own.

The nobleponies growled a promise as a collective, a promise that if their laid their hands on Vinyl Scratch, DJ Pon3 will not live to see another day.

Ahem, a voice cleared itself in her head, I suggest you hightail it out of here before you die.

Vinyl Record Scratch waved nervously and tried to trot inconspicuously out of the bar.

The nobles began to follow her.

She broke into a canter.

They followed suit.
Oh shit. I have angered the herd! I’ve anger the herd! Commence operation ‘Bail the Buck Out!’

She sprinted towards her home. They can’t get me where I’m safe!

Loud war cries resounded through the town square. Many ponies stopped to watch the entire spectacles, and some ponies even brought out a chair, sitting with sunglasses, a bucket of popcorn and a soda, watching the witch-hunt.

Vinyl could feel the pitchforks closing in on her, and the flaming torch licking dangerously close to her flammable fur. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…

She burst into her house and slammed the door shut, bolting every lock she had, throwing everything she owned in front of the door.
I think I could still fit a couch in front of the door.

‘Thank god I managed to lock them outside.’

‘Or that you locked yourself in with me.’

Vinyl’s fur bristled, her limbs locked into place as a grey pony emerged from the depths of their house.

‘Wha… but how? Why are you not at the concert?’

‘You were trying to ditch me? Are you avoiding the questions?’

Vinyl scratched the back of her head sheepishly.

‘Yeah… I mean no. No!’

Tavi’s glare bore into her head.

‘Yeah. But I thought they would kill me! I was trying to save my own life!’

‘You would leave me alone, in the dark, with a bunch of strangers, for your own benefit?’

She’s doing it again.

‘But they were going to kill me!’

‘But I could have also been harmed! But you selfishly chose your own safety over the safety of your wife!’

‘But they had pitchforks! I swear!’

‘You would leave people wielding pitchforks to come get me? You’re so selfish!’

Octavia’s eyes started to shimmer.

‘I’m sorry, Tavi I don’t know what I was thinking. Please don’t cry.’

I was chased by nobles who wanted to kill me and now I’m apologising for it? I’m both shocked and not surprised at all.

Vinyl sighed.

Tavis are well known for their amazing, yet unbelievable mind tricks. For example, no matter what it had done wrong, it is often able to trick their mate into apologising for something that they did not do wrong. Just remember, against Tavis, resistance is futile.

Vinyl sighed again.

Well, the Braytish pony in her head concluded, this programme has come to a finish. Join us on our next episode of ‘Survival with Vinyl Scratch’ on ‘Sleeping on the floor next to an angry mare’. Goodbye!

Comments

[Emerald Harp]

I loved the BBC documentary aspect of this. This was a fun read. Mi Gusta!

[LavaBubble]

Cute, creative, and funny. Three things that can make a good story. Great job and keep it up!

[tuntematon]

Tavis are known to be volatile towards their mates at the smallest sign of anything. They are more likely to strike if the action does if the action has absolutely no effect on their lives.

Man this brings back memories of the old BBC documentries I watched lol. There should be a sequel!

[superfun]

The first half has some grammar issues throughout it, but the whole thing is funny enough that I'll give this a fave.

[KiKo4]

Documentary of tavi
Beware
(Enter beware gif pic here)

[The Hissing Fool]

Some errors that perhaps need addressing, but otherwise most amusing indeed. You get a like.

[ExplodingDucks]

8083495 Thanks! I'll try to get around to some revision as when I reread it the first time I realised how dire the need for corrections were. Even I did some cringing of my own.

[The Hissing Fool]

8086342

Hey, no problem! Keep honing your skills and stay delicious!

[Esalen]

I narrated the parts in Vinyl's head with David Attenborough's voice, and it was hilarious. +1 and fave.

[ExplodingDucks]

8092004 Thanks. That's the effect I was going for. XD

[Cake Spy]

I never knew I needed David Attenborough to be ponified until now.

You have to write more stories!