After the Ponyville Dam breaks, the lives of the ponies of Ponyville will never be the same again.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 24th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2018
Brony757live
I'm just a Brony looking for feedback. Don't have a ton of time, but I hope you like my stories.
Brony757live
Joined 24th Jun, 2012 ·
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Not sure where I'm going with this...
If you like it- and I hope you do- then comment! Positive feedback plz! 
Okay, you gotta separate the dialogue. I can handle same paragraph, but you have ponies talking in the same line. Whenever a different character speaks, start a new paragraph. Here's what I'm talking about:
Twilight carefully maneuvered her way through the street, which was riddled with detritus. "Twilight! You have to 'elp, Sweet Apple Acres is flooded and Granny Smith and Apple Bloom are trapped in the second floor of the 'ouse!" Applejack had found Twilight instead. "Applejack!" Twilight rushed to her. "Twilight please! I wasn't there to 'elp and now they're not gonna make it unless we hurry!"
Instead, it should be like this:
Twilight carefully maneuvered her way through the street, which was riddled with detritus. "Twilight! You have to 'elp, Sweet Apple Acres is flooded and Granny Smith and Apple Bloom are trapped in the second floor of the 'ouse!" Applejack had found Twilight instead.
"Applejack!" Twilight rushed to her.
"Twilight please! I wasn't there to 'elp and now they're not gonna make it unless we hurry!"
Other than that, spelling is solid and grammar is decent. All in all, not that bad.
luv it!
get more up soon
ME WANT MORE!!!! 
Pretty nice story, though there are two major problems. The first one is the pacing. Let's look an excerpt:
"But then she looked at Dash with an expression that held pain, confusion, and... something else. Looking deep into Rainbow's puffy eyes, Spitfire mustered the courage, and kissed her.
Soarin' finally made it to Spitfire, but Rainbow was nowhere to be found...
That kiss had stunned Rainbow, but she had a job to do, saving Applejack's family was her number one priority."
This kiss is, if I'm not too mistaken, rather vital to future plot points, i.e. a RD/Spitfire romance. You got it over with in four sentences. You should've explained things more in depth. Like, apart from being stunned, what did Rainbow Dash feel? Was she happy about the kiss? Was she angry? Did she want it or not? Things like this.
The second problem is dat formatting. Stryker12324 explained pretty well what to do. New paragraph every time someone speak is pretty important in fanfiction, if you don't do it gets mighty confusing.
But like I said, apart from that, it's pretty good, and it'll definitely be interesting to see where you take this(I'm a huge DashFire fan, so don't disappoint me!). Have a like, and if you address these things, I'll most certainly fav it.
953370 I'm going to explain a LOT more in further chapters. This is just to kick things off. Rainbow isn't really sure how to feel, and neither is Spitfire. I like the DashFire combination too, and I hope I don't disappoint.
I've never really written a story like this before, so bear with me... 
were is spike
986017 Don't worry, he's coming. Spike IS best pony after all!
I'm going to assume the dislikes are for my rushed DashFire scene. I kinda fixed it and gave it better reasoning. At least this version is tolerable (the other one was SOOO cheesy). If that wasn't it, then please don't just leave thumbs down and expect me to know what you're complaining about (unless it's the whole thing in general, that would be seriously disappointing).
i do agree with the above people. the spacing and pacing is a little bit... odd.
i am no expert, this you know, but i would say to try and slow it down in the drama a bit.
with spitfire, the feeling of failure was quite sudden and even a little confusing; there could have been a "monologue" type thing from spitfire's point of view before she exploded on dash. you could have gone through how she was feeling an unbearable pain in her wing, and how she had failed them all.
also, you could have gone into depth on exactly what RD had felt as Spitfire had kissed her.
for example, take "That kiss had stunned Rainbow" and expand. personally, i would have gone into something like this: "as the kiss landed on her, shock rushed through her veins, followed by a numbing that had stunned her entire body. her heart rate quickened, and mind raced with confusion."
that being said, i'm no expert
and this being your first time, i don't expect perfection. i don't really mean to be a hard-flank on this.
now, for an opinion:
i really like where you're going with this. the thought of having the dam breaking and a natural disaster as a kick off into a romance is a very good thought, as it would force the romance to go at a fast pace, if i'm not mistaken. the hydra bit is good too, with spitfire injured it should prove very... interesting.
... also, that part about hitting him in the face with hard work made my face look a little like this:
tl;dr i know, but you asked for an opinion and suggestions, so... yeah.
see you soon i'm sure
~Pyrus
991326 i know exactly how you feel on that one...
well, things do get better in this chapter in terms of pacing and confusion.
for now, all i have is some questions such as: where did fluttershy, rarity, and pinkie go? and which parts of ponyville are actually distroyed? if half is gone, which half? the flood obviously didn't hit the library and did hit sweet apple acres, but what of sugarcube corner and the boutique?
other than that, i like it. i'd say keep it up.
1133734 Well, the other characters haven't gone into the mix yet. The first few chapters that I'm doing will all be pretty much within the first 24 hours of the disaster, so though it does seem rushed, it actually isn't... Weird, right? I get what you're saying though, and I'll edit that as soon as I get the next chapter in, which will be soon.