just a brony that loves to read. I'm known for my descriptions drawing people's attention and curiosity :)
Sunshine...sunshine....what's mine...I will retake....hold your hooves.....and try....to stay awake....
Very nice description, caught my attention immediately, I can already tell this is going to be good.
Well, you have officially written the most... disturbing... description of all time. I hope your story meets my expectations.
The beginning was nice, and then you started messing up in the middle. You shifted from third to first person a couple of times and you did the same thing with your past and present tensing, but aside from that and some more minor grammar mistakes, you held my interest for about 3/4 of the ride. I wanna see more.
Oops on the mistakes, thanks on the comments, I usually mess up up when writing the first. Hater of my stories due to excitement and eagerness, but I'll make sure to get it fixed
**chapter....there I go messing up again
1) the desciption is very catchy
2)the story itself was enjoyable apart from what antagonist already mentioned
3) overall nice job
Hey, interesting concept. can't wait to see what this turns into.....until then take a mustache and keep readin'
Zmuscle, did I really mention the antagonist??? Where? Oh and don't worry, this story is gonna have a lot of twists....I mean ALOT and watt savage, I thank for the
>>869892869892 i meant about the grammer mistakes
This concept has me very interested
Let do this!
Zmuscle ohhhhh I thought you meant like I mentioned like a character or something, my bad
>>869930869930 lol here allow me to be your first watch
Hello there. I'm going to try an (admittedly rare) attempt at a critique. I hope I don't come off too harsh, but it's hard to pass judgment on something without looking like a meanie, so here goes.
The description certainly caught my attention, and the premise seems quite interesting. But what kept me from enjoying this to the fullest extent was the amount of grammatical mistakes. For example:
"A bad dream"? Shining Armor interrupted, you've been acting strange lately. Why don't you tell me about this dream". He demanded.
it should be
"A bad dream?" Shining Armor interrupted. "You've been acting strange lately. Why don't you tell me about this dream?" he demanded.
A minor mistake, yes, but it all adds up. A misplaced apostrophe, a misspelled name, plus missing quotes can equal a mess. Just a few tweaks here and there can make the story much easier to follow and *that* much more enjoyable. Also, you might want to make the POV switches clearer and less abrupt, or keep the whole story in one POV entirely. May I suggest finding someone to pre-read your story to fix any grammatical mistakes? I know it's only fanfiction, but it's always nice to polish off your own creations.
I hope I don't come off as a grammar nazi or anything. I'm prone to mistakes myself, which is why I know that just the slightest mistake can throw readers off. As for the premise, I can honestly say it holds my interest (it also helps that Cadence is one of my favorite ponies in the show). The description is a great hook, and I look forward for more to come. It’s too early for me to favorite, but I will be following closely to see if you improve. And judging by this first chapter, I know you can. Best of luck to ya mate, and allons-y.
Ummm...thanks? I...kinda understand you and im grateful for your judgment, it will certainly benefit me when i write new chapters. Im more concerned with you liking the plot so i will certainly try harder on chapter 2.
Just to make somthing clear to everyone, like i said in my authors note, this story that im telling is from a dream so due to eagerness to record all of it down, i quickly typed a bit using an iphone so my grammer would not ahve been 100 percent. But i assure you guys that since a lot of peole are getting intrested, i will be working on this alot, and sonce im on summer vacation, expect a new chapter tommorow
Voices in dreams? Nightmares? ... Looks like my childhood. Can't say anything until I read more of this, keep it up dude, it looks like it's taking a good way.
I never saw the Canterlot wedding episode, and so I never knew that Cadence was an alicorn or that Luna and Celestia had other family, until you said so, and I looked it up on google images...........................................
Yes, thank you Derpy.
Im soo sorry but.....what?
Huh, you and I have very similar concepts. Trigger words, nightmares with messages, internal struggle, etc. aside from the changes in perspective and a few other mistakes, this is a great story.
In the next few chapters, try to remain third person but be sure to not leave Cadence's perspective. It forces the reader to use their imagination, which is better than any combination of words. Don't forget to use imagery, for it is your most powerful tool.
Just thought I'd throw my two bits into the basket
Well, you say arms instead of hooves a few times, which gave me a weird humanized image of them in my mind. Also at one point you switch from third person to first person, but I'm guessing that was intentional.
Interesting fic. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
bring us another soon!
oh you're to hard on yourself, this was a great chapter! can't wait to see if these dreams become a reality!
The chapter was good need more tho.
Interested to see how the nightmare unfolds! Oh, and sorry if I came off as...annoying in my last comment. But hey, you're doing a very good job, keep 'em coming.
Not annoying at allmore like helpful
"tremble in fear, mortal foals, for Nightmare Cadence has come!"
But I couldn't help but notice several grammar errors in the story.
wish granted.......in a couple of minutes
meh, the mood whiplash was a bit too much. the 2 halves were good but they dont mix that well
True, but it will when I publish the next chapter. (SPOILER might be a twist)
There is a reason for every word in every chapter, my friend, remember this
oh shining armour.......
you poor lucky bastard
He cowered away and hid behind is men in fear.
I think it should be HIS men here.
Shining Armoryou are royaly fucked now