Not terrible, but a bit of work on your punctuation and spacing out those paragraphs would go a long way. I'll keep reading if you keep trying.

>>803477803477 Yea, I know did this in kind of a hurry because my laptop has charging problems

>>803544803544

Results, not excuses. Another that goes with what you said, quality over quantity. I'd rather have a beautiful story that took a year to make rather then 10 shitty chapters in a week.

wow this is really good my only problem are the spelling mistakes but there quite minor

I enjoy OC fics. I'm not sure why others don't seem to. I enjoyed this one especially. Keep it it, my god man.

I only had to read the description to know this story is terrible.

>>803678803678 Yes, I know these were done quickly but once I get my laptop fixed the chapters will be around two times longer, checked better for errors and have much more content. This story was made up on the spot

This is a very entertaining story.

I will look forward to reading more of this!

The author is currently in revision of the whole story And currently has no access to any Internet.

Revisions:

1. Spacing between dialogue goes a far way. Make sure for every person talking they get there own line when talking.

2. I found very few grammer issues, the main ones were convection errors.

3. Go into more detail about some issues.

Comments:

Great start! I like it and some areas were just awesome. Keep it up.

Dear everyone,

   I'm currently at my mom's house (she has a working computer, my laptop was recently fried =/) and hopefully should have a working computer within a week which means for one: I will be revising and editing the existing chapters, and two: I will add nire to each chapter just helping the backstory some and make it longer. I look foward to the future comments and reveiws.

                                                                                                                Love, PhantomDred

>>804003804003 Thank you, i'm currently working on the fourth chapter and revising/adding a few things in the preexisting chapters that I didn't have time to do before my laptop got wrecked

>>847682847682 No worrys mate

I will wait cus I'm determined

>>848989848989 Well aren't you a trooper.

>>849583849583 Thanks.

pure awesomeness the likes of which no-pony can argue with

This... will be interesting

I will continue to wait for the next chapter because I'm determined

As always.

For a second there I thought you gave up on the story. I honestly don't know why

>>881216881216 It's fine, just computer issues yesterday was my birthday etc. I have a working computer right now and chapter 5 will be started soon, just need some time since it's been 100+ degrees here for the past week i'll work on it and try to have it done ASAP

This was a very well done chapter! well done good sir!

Oh and btw!

I think that the Swedish translation was not the best I have ever seen but, I'm not lying to you when I say this but it was damn good!

And the waiting was worth it damnit! I dont give a single fuck about what other's may say but it was worth the waiting!

Now if you'll exscuse me I must go to valhalla and await my next assigment from Odin himself... and yes I'm that much of a badass to be given mission's from a god... SUCK IT!

>>965473965473 I tried, it wasn't easy but I tried. And so did my friend I did all of WIlle's things though so thank you.

>>965539965539 We all have to do some kind of mistake in our life's right? no one is perfect, so dont go sobbing in a bar or something, just live with it.

Wait... what happend to wille? ANSWER ME MORTAL!!!

Anyways. Great chapter!

>>991387991387 Like I said, Octavia focused chapter. Not sure when seven will be out i'm going to try and get some sleep though so just wait it out.

>>991390991390

I will await the next chapter as usual.................................................. welp, I'm bored.

that is what the waiting game was made for

DOCTOR WHO FTW! man I am such a nerd I know so much about the series and I even based my main character around the Doctor

>>10049101004910 Haha part two is going to be out in about an hour

Not bad but could be better