Star's Love for the Moon

TA Different Preference
MLP: FiM
Romance
Sad
Preferences, everypony has them. These preferences mould us, define us into who we are in the present. Sometimes, our preferences seem to be decided for us, not discovered, this seems to be the case for young alicorn Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight
Celestia
Luna
Other
Main 6
Emerald_Night · 3.5k words · 37 2 · 1.9k views

It had been 2 years since Twilight moved to Ponyville, 2 years since Princess Luna's first Nightmare Night, 2 years since the seeds of Twilight's love for Luna was set in the soil.

Will Twilight be able to confess her love to the Princess of the Night? How will she respond? How bright could their future get?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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The Wandering Bard

The Wandering Bard #1 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 3 · ·

This story was lovely and very sweet. I liked seeing the believable reactions of Twilight and Luna after Twilight confesses her love to Luna, though I would like to see perhaps a bit from Luna of why she feels for Twilight in return. We see a little bit of this, but it would be nice to see more.

Also, there were numerous spelling errors and grammatical mistakes that I saw, so having an editor go over this would really help. There were also a few places where the rule of "show, don't tell" could come into play, such as with the kiss. Don't tell us that it's intimate, show us how. Show us how Twilight feels about it through her actions. We see this before the kiss, so show us during it as well.

I really liked this story, and I think it needs a bit more polish for it to truly shine. But what you have is really something.

Emerald_Night

Emerald_Night #2 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 2 · ·

7464610 Thanks for the reply, as you know, this is the first story I've had the chance to work on so to me, any feedback is good feedback to me. I do agree when you said "show don't tell", I never really been good at following the rule, though i will only get better with practice as do all of us.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, it really does mean a lot to mean when someone says that they enjoy something that I created.

Thanks you.

The Wandering Bard

The Wandering Bard #3 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 1 · ·

7464687
You are very welcome. And yeah, "show, don't tell" is definitely something that gets picked up over time. I'm sure that, with each story you create, you'll get even better at it. You just have to keep practicing. And who knows? Maybe someday you'll look back on this story and see how far you've come as a writer.

Cheers!

TheLastBrunnenG

TheLastBrunnenG #4 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 1 · ·

I'll read this one over lunch. More TwiLuna is never a bad thing! Also, I added this to a few groups for you. Groups (like this one) are a great way to get more exposure and views for a story.

Commander Darklight