The last thing a thestral pony wants to be doing is walking around, clad in heavy, dark armour during a warm summer afternoon; that kind of weather can kill weaker thestrals. With that in mind, Captain Shappi Nieda, leader of Princess Luna's Royal Nightwatch, isn't happy when she discovers the Royal Guard have appeared to dump a large number of deadweight recruits on her unit. When going to have choice words with their captain, she discovers a different unicorn whom she finds much more interesting...
Cover art commissioned by Ddraigtanto, and created by JadeKettu on DeviantART.
Chapters (1)
nice, waiting for more
Very well done so far! Only issues I see are a few spelling errors and a slight lack of usefully info (what's a zoor?).
7451610
Hello!
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it very much! I'll find the time to look over the chapter and search for the errors in my spelling and grammar; I'd proof-read it once already, but I suppose things always fall through the cracks, I do apologize for that.
As for Zoor, that's a surname. ;)
7451503
Thanks. :D I'm sometimes a bit of a slow uploader, but I will try to upload this stuff as quickly as I am able. Either way, I'm thankful for you patronage.
Some of the names sound like the belong to zebras than unicorns. Also maybe you should have waited for the reveal of who the reqeuts were.
Bat pony story.
Yay.
7451872
Actually, with regards to the Zoors, they're a reference to ancient sun-worshiping pagans from Afghanistan, known as Zunists https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zunbils they are also known as Zunbils or Zhunbills, and worship a sun god, either known as Zun, or Zoor. They fell out favour with the rise of Islam, as it spread to Persia, and then through to Afghanistan. A lot of these guys also intermingled with and integrated themselves with Buddhists and Indians.
If you're referring to Shappi, her name is Iranian, as is her mother's Khorsandi (combined, they reference a popular Iranian comedian here in the UK, Shappi Khorsandi).
No, with the Zebras, I am going to go a different way: I'm going to intermingle Zulu naming conventions with Germanic ones. For example, one of the old kings of the Zebras in my story was King Zulukind the Word-Weaver, combining the Zulus with the Saxon king Widukind. Indeed, Zunbil's signature weapon (see here: http://sta.sh/0w49p1nvyjs ) is Zulukind's Needle, signifying the Zebra's strength, their magical prowess, and also their craftsmanship and refined culture... In fact, the Zebras would be pretty damn fascinating to write about, they're a sorely neglected part of MLP.
7451922
Yay! :D
Off to a great start. Just a few minor errors her and there.
7455016
I'm glad you think so. I'll go have a look through it again and try to find where I went wrong. Thanks.
EDIT: I hate to ask this of you, but could you be more specific as to where I've gone wrong with my story? I've looked through the chapter twice, and I'm having trouble finding any obvious grammar or spelling errors. Do forgive me for asking, but this way, I can pin down what's going wrong and try to fix it.
7455135 It's fine, I'll be glad to read it again and find the errors.
I think you meant take there.
Thinking fat.
I am on my phone, so I will have to get back to my computer. Most of the mistakes are like these. Get a text reading application and listen to your story. You'll catch all those types of errors.
This is a great beginning to what I hope is a great story (no pressure!).
I reread this chapter to proofread... second to the last paragraph, last sentence: the two parts of the sentence seemed cockied: verb/noun mixup? run-on sentence? My brain couldn't quite wrap around this sentence until I read it out loud: "...as he pierced her." Oooh, I bad!
7457582
Ah, magnificent! Thank you! :D
7457617
Yeah, I'm not terribly confident with writing romance stuff. But I'm very glad you liked the story. I do have other stuff planned for it, and while NSFW stuff does feature, I don't want the story to be JUST that.
You going to continue the story? Because this looks interesting.
Will this ever be continued?
This is an amazing story I can't to read more on it. Thanks for the awesome story Ddraigtanto! :D
Very nicely written. It would be nice to see this story continue, but I understand that'snot always possible.
Good so far, keep it up!