Concept is solid. The characters are in... well... character... but I do have a couple issues. the biggest issue is the lack of descriptive writing near the beginning. explaining that Twilight and Shining are in the park and on a bench through narrative was kinda boring. I believe a walk up introduction would work. Also, what's the point of having rain? And if they're in Ponyville wouldn't the pegasi already be placing clouds? The weather is absolute there so you can't "Think" it's going to rain...

also the lack of indenting your paragraphs was missing... I don't know why but that always bothers me... not that it's a big deal.

The description of spike was a little lack lust as well... instead of telling us what spike looks like perhaps you could come up with a situation in which it can be implied using clever dialog?

btw the S in scientists doesn't need to be capitalized at the end.

past that you did pretty well. I didn't do this well on my first go that's for sure.

I hope this helped you. Keep at it!

If this is your first fanfic, then you've done a bucking excellent job at it. My only problems are that some of the scenes seemed just a little cheesy, and there's not a lot of suspense for me to keep reading. Then again, I've been known to have a severe lack of emotion for someone that's not a ginger.

So watched, but not favorited quite yet.

(oh god shiny please don't die )

>>801081801081

Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to think of a less boring start. Even reading it back, I could tell it was pretty bad, but really, the first chapter is just to set up the plot. In a way, its sort of a prologue, so those issues should hopefully be less frequent as the story progresses.

Edit: And yeah, I fixed that thing about the scientists, thanks for pointing that out.

>>801083801083

Yeah, it is, I know, but again, this chapter is really just to set up the plot and let everyone know what's happening, so all the emotional stuff is mostly yet to come.

*reads discription*

This looks interestring, but I wonder, what do you see as the ultimate sacrefice? That will be interesting to see.

*puts fiction on my alredy enormus read later list*

I know, I have much to read. 1900 chapter on favorite and 360 read laters are not a beach walk to read.

>>801728801728

Ahhh, that you'll just have to wait and see . I didn't want to give too much away in the description, as I see a lot of other FimFiction-ers showing off what I would think to be a bit too much of their story in the description.

>>801737801737

I know that fealing, I don't even know if I gave away to much in the discription of my own fiction. I have even put many fictions in my smartphone so I can read when I'm not on a computer, but it fills up also whit fictions I have not put on the laptop yet. I even need to put them together now to even have room left, I have filled four pages in the phone only whit fiction, and that is thanks to that I stack, them. Have a max of 7 pages in the phone......

Why do I always go off-topic in a long conversation?

>>801707801707 I've written my own prologue to my own story so I have a little experience  and I think it's necessary to have the qualities of good writing from the very beginning to keep readers interested... but that's me, so I'm not going to tell you what to do.

>>802620802620

Yeah, I see what you mean, but I'm still getting used to this whole fictional writing thing, but I'm working on it. I hope that, should I continue with writing fanfics after I'm done with Corrupted, I can improve on my quality of writing.

Now, I may not be the best person to take advice from, but I must say. This fic is awesome. Here, have a gold star, I have plenty to give away. Oh, and a thumbs up. You deserve that too (to?).  *Round of applause* I'm also eager to hear this sacrifice. I'm guessing it has to do with Cadence dying/ giving away her immortality/ somehow getting rid of it from Shining, and instead having it herself/ something just as ultimate. Epic story, bro.

>>806041806041

Wow, thanks so much for those comments, it really means a lot. As much as I would just love to explain this sacrifice to everyone right now, it'll just have to remain a secret for now

Alright, so chapter 2 is up. Please tell me what you guys think, I really want as much feedback as I can get here so I can improve my stuff as I go along .

interesting.... though quite predictable, of course the path to the cure can be twisted this is almost fairytale predictability.

>>811749811749

Fair 'nuff. Avoiding the curse of the cliché is proving difficult, as this is my first fic after all.

Fridge Horror: If the Scorpes is eating through an area in the stomach where there's stomach acid, 'cause he's lying down, then Shining has to deal with not only the Scorpes, but also stomach acid possibly getting into the wound. Either he's a boss, or those are powerful painkillers. Or I'm wrong. That's also a possibility.

>>816708816708 Truth be told, I never really thought about that. What exactly the scorpes does isn't really that relevant to the story though, all you need to know is that its doing some heavy damage to Shining Armour.

Really liking this and am excited to see how this goes. I like the idea of Cadence risking her safety with Dark Magic as a means of saving the one she loves. It as a tragic undertone that I feel really give depth to the story and characters. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter

>>832198832198

Thanks so much for those comments. I was having a really shitty day yesterday for the most part, but reading that really perked me back up again .

While what you have is decent enough, in fact pretty good for your first fanfic, there are quite a few grammatical errors. What you seem to be struggling with most is sentence and dialogue punctuation, although there was a spot where you used "to" instead of "too". Finding a prereader to look at your work is the best way to avoid those kinds of mistakes.

Also, I have to agree with wax-hollow. This is teetering on the edge of cliche, and is even predictable to a point. You need to mix things up with the next chapter, throw something at the readers that they don't expect so they don't lose interest. While I love the idea of this story, you need to change directions quickly before you get too cliche with your work.

A final note: while I don't remember the exact way you described 'Scorpes', make sure it's clear what it is. You say 'disease', but it sounds more like a parasite to me.

>>836286836286

Thanks for the feedback. Once again, really appreciate it.

On the point of prereaders, I don't really like the idea of someone else doing what I believe is my job. I've proof-read both chapters, and even then, they still had their blemishes. While I know I'm still a beginner, I believe the only way I can get better is by doing it myself rather that have other people do it for me.

And with the whole cliché thing, yeah, I'm completely aware that everything so far has been very 'been there, done that', but I've got the whole story planned out, and I hope chapter 3 should at least come as a surprise to some extent.

Finally as I said to Starnight, the disease/parasite/whatever isn't really essential to the plot. All you need to know is that it's got Shining Armour in a bad way.

Once again, thanks so much for the feedback, it's the only way I can get better .

>>836892836892

Regarding prereaders, I'll just say this: it's incredibly difficult to catch your own mistakes. Prereaders help a lot with that, and some of the best authors out there (ROBCakeran53, for example) use them.

>>836947836947

That is very true, and when you put it that way, it really feels like I have no excuse, but I still stand by my stupid opinion that my mistakes are my responsibility, and I'll put as much effort as I can (futile as that effort may be) into correcting them.

Besides, even if I wanted to get someone to preread my stuff, I'd be uncomfortable asking the community, and most of my friends are anti-bronies who bash my work all the time without even reading it :S.

Either way, I really appreciate the feedback!

Uh-oh, looks like somepony's going all

Exciting chapter, though I doubt SA would want anything to do with her if she pulled that stunt off.

Alright, so, once again, a new chapter is up, and as usual, as much feedback as possible please .

>>884434884434 Too true.

shits gonna go down.

DID not see this coming I can see if Twilight is going to be to difficult in geting her love from there always is the love from a parent

>>888172888172 It's nice to hear that . With all the talk of the story being a bit cliché, I was worried that some people expected that to happen, since I've had everything that's going to happen in each chapter planned out right from the start, and a lot of people thought it was a little bit 'been there, done that'.

.>>888274888274 Ya when Princess Cadence tryed to kill Twilight I was in shock I thought this story was mainly going to be them two mopeing and that is how it looked in the begining but them BAM right out of left field she tryes to kill Twilight.

I thought Cadence was going to kill herself to save Shining Armour but NOPE. R.I.P: ?

To the moon!

I honestly didn't expect that to happen. I just thought that she'd get a slap on the hoof or something, if that even. Can't really guess where this story is heading next though, which is a good thing I suppose .  

>>982532982532 Phew, that's a relief. As I said a while ago, I was really worried that people thought the story was predictable when people started saying it was a little bit cliché, but it seems I've dodged a bullet, which is good to know .

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6xdmvKyYC1r71zck.gif

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh well. It can only get better after this, right?

RIGHT?

>>10790221079022 I'M SO SORRY

Can you like something more than once? Because right now I would.

Whoa...

I guess Spike won't live long OR prosper.

>>11492241149224 Oh shut up, you give me more praise than I'm worth .

Well then!

Two deaths and a banishment. Such a happy ending!

Seriously though, it was great.

>>11493991149399 Ahh, but you see, that's where you're wrong. There's still one more chapter to go, my friend

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png

>>11494311149431

Aha! So it begins again.

all except cadence better have a happy afterlife!

And where are at this moment

>>11703041170304 They actually play a major role in the epilogue I'm writing, which is almost done at this point. If we're lucky, I should maybe have it done and uploaded for tomorrow or the day after.

>>11703041170304 Damn, I'm really not very good with deadlines. I'm really sorry, but HOPEFULLY it should be up by the weekend. School as just started again for me, so I don't have a lot of time to write, but I'm doing what I can.

>>11703041170304 OH GOD, I'M SO SORRY. UGH, I'M SO BAD AT LIFE.

It's over...

Such a sad, tragic, sweet story all in one go.

This really made me understand what it's like to lose your loved ones. Marvelous detail, and a great experience for me all-around.

Bravo, my friend. Well done.

This was an amazing and well done ending. I was originally upset at the implication last chapter that Twilight would commit suicide but seeing this epilogue has not only relieved me but also brought closure to the story. I feel that even in a story about death the ultimate theme must be how to deal with it and this story handled it very well. Showing that both Twilight and Cadence were willing to do anything to save Shinning Armor, despite there being little hope was great setup for the story. Cadence's plan, though wicked, was with the intent of saving the one she loved and served as a good foil to Twilight who sought the same goal but wouldn't take such risks as to hurt others in the process. Spike's sacrifice also showed courage and heroism doing whatever he could to save his surrogate sister from harm. Twilight having her friends to help through these tragedies is a great message about the strength of friendship even in the darkest of times. I loved this story and would eagerly advise anyone to read it.

>>12652331265233 >>12670441267044

Thank you both so much. You have no idea how much these words mean to me. I really appreciate that you both went out of your ways to leave those comments, and I'm truly not deserving of them. Again, thank you so much .

Ahh, well done my friend. Here I thought you would deliver us a very depressing ending with Twilight's passing. YOU SURE HAD ME FOOLED!!!

A nice closure to the story. You have given us an atmosphere, one of great sadness and depression but yet, even through absolute darkness there is a small shimmering light that helps carries you on. A small light that shows you what the power of friendship can do when one has fallen to such a state, with help and support one can see how and why life is worth living for everyday for the betterment one and all.

All in all, you have done well with this story and I shall be looking forward to what you'll do from here on out. Best regards my friend.

>>12827141282714 Why am I getting all these amazing comments? I really don't deserve them .

But seriously though, thank you so much. I'm taking a teency tiny break from writing for a bit before I go and rewrite chapter 1, because if I'm honest, I'm not particularly happy with how it turned out. After that though, I've got a bunch of new stories planned that I can't wait to get started on. It makes me so happy to see people are as eager to actually read my stories as I am to write them.

great story loved it from begening to end.

>>13070791307079 Thanks so much Tyler, I really appreciate it when people go out of their way to stop by and leave their opinions in the comments; something you've been doing an awful lot of throughout most of Corrupted. It really makes me so happy just to see that there are people who actually enjoy what I write. Once again, thanks a million.