fastnbulbous
Joined 3rd Jan, 2014 ·
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That was some creepy stuff I just read. Well done. I usually stay away from this type of stuff, but this one caught my eye. It was good.
Those are some very juicy descriptions.
An interesting glance into the mind of our favorite introvert
Well done 
7427386 I think wove is right here.
Not bad, it just left me a little dry at the end. It could use more scene-setting in the beginning, such as since she took a history test, I'm presuming this is Young Fluttershy, after the fall from Cloudsdale and before MLP, although you have her in a dorm room, which seems a little odd. One of the disadvantages of "Show, don't Tell" is when the reader can't see just exactly what is shown, because the writer can see it so well and thinks everybody else can. Think of it as one of those "End of story" quizes you always got in school after reading a story in English class:
Example: Who/what/when/etc...
What - is Fluttershy doing at the beginning of the story? - Sewing a Rainbow Dash doll.
Why - is she doing that? - She's terribly lonely, and RD is not around to talk to.
Why is RD not there when she's needed? - I don't know.
Why does Fluttershy attack the doll? - She's really angry at RD, because... I don't know.
Better?
7427386
Thanks for that. I feel a bit silly now, to be honest, but at least asking for help has confirmed this isn't like the godawful fic I wrote two years ago.
7427756
That's a good point, and I can see where you're coming from. My reasoning for Fluttershy attacking the mannequin is that she's mostly mad at herself, rather than Rainbow Dash. She's mad at her inability to talk to other ponies and make friends, and she's mad at herself for becoming so desperate that she makes herself a friend. The mannequin's insults were really Fluttershy projecting her insecurities on herself. As for Rainbow Dash, I imagine she's either attending a different school or "too cool" to hang out with Fluttershy.
Anyways, looking back, I can definitely see that I was too vague, considering I had to explain it in a comment, and I only vaguely hint at these things in the story. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
Hmm, a rather interesting story indeed. It seemed rather dark though, that's for sure. Poor Shy....
Are you a Flutterdash fan too by any chance? Whether you are or not doesn't matter. If you haven't already noticed by my story - I'm a Flutterdash fan. Anyhoo, if you have any feedback on how I should make my story better or anything, feel free to tell me. I won't take offence to it.
This is good for 1500 words. Some suggestions:
- Shouldn't have the gore tag.
- Have fluttershy set dash on a sofa, not a bed, because this being fimfiction, that suggested this was going sexual.
- There are a lot of adjectives & adverbs; be careful of re-using emphatic ones like "finally" or "incredibl_", and of ones that don't add anything or aren't justified by the rest of the text, e.g., "
"An incredible amount of detail had been put into the drawing, from the intricate shading of the leaves to the small hole in a tree where a group of squirrels resided."
could be
"Some parts were done in great detail, from the intricate shading of the leaves to the small hole in a tree where a group of squirrels resided. "