A few grammar and spelling issues throughout, but overall solid and it'll be interesting to see where this goes.

>>849724849724 Thanks. My usual proofreader is busy with real life and I'd rather not impose. If you've spotted anything particularly glaring don't mind sharing it. I completed this last night so I might have let quality slip without noticing in my drowsy state.

And is the last part all supposed to be in boldface?

EDIT: Never mind, I think it's a problem with fimfic itself...

>>849902849902 Nah it was my last tag that wasn't closed properlyy, sorry about that.

And a few open bold tags....

>>850086850086 Those should be fixed by now.

She could hardly believe it herself. To be reduced to this! Sadly there was no other way as she was still too weak from her recent defeat to teleport her minions around, and she didn’t dare leave behind the only support she had in this world to be devoured by roaming beasts. As feeble as the zebra was, she still knew her way around this dastardly Everfree Forest, and her humble hidden adobe had been covered with enough wards that even Luna had failed to find her in her moment of weakness. The baby dragon wasn’t much, and he certainly could use a lesson in loyalty from his stripped friend, but he made for a decent beatstick should the need arise.

I think you mean striped. Stripped is the past-tense of stripping.

Before him stood the artificially aged baby dragon from earlier. Fully powered by the greed Corona would constantly denied having, the purple dragon now stood at least two head taller than the red one. Furthermore, his eyes, devoid of any spark of intelligence, spoke of nothing but violence and anger. With a roar, Spike threw himself at the other dragon.

'denied' needs to be in the present tense 'deny'.

>>850178850178 Thank you! Fixed those mistakes.

From prankster to straight antagonist....Man, Philomena might actually be scary.....

>>850273850273

You're welcome!

And I found another:

The two unicorns continued to head toward the residency, Trixie falling into silence as Pokey began to tell a long and convoluted stor. Thankfully for Trixie, something was about to come up that would afford her some freedom from all that rambling.

'stor' needs a 'y' on the end since I think you meant 'story'.

Like this concept. Will you be having Philomena as the fellow corrupted companion of Corona, the eternally loyal companion (as in not evil, but still won't abandon her mistress), or an inherently good creature who was locked away before she realized what Corona had become (and thus become redeemed in the end)?

Just loaded up the page, haven't read yet, but that pic!    This is the Philomena story!

I know this is only the first chapter, but now I have no choice but to put everything else on hold and start reading right away.

>>850339850339 So apparently 'stor' is a word in the english language because my spellchecker failed to mention that typo

Hmmm.... I'm not entirely sure about the Comedy tag up there. It seems to me that Corona should always be treated seriously. Not that there shouldn't be comedic moments, the nature of the character basically requires them. But making it one of the main draws is risky.

Apart from that, I enjoyed the story. I"m excited for the next update.

Now I gotta make some tweaks...

>>850409850409 Don't worry about your mention of Spike and Zecora looking for a phoenix. Without spoiling anything, I will simply say that I will make it work with your story, not ask for the other way around, so don't change a thing.

>>850381850381

I want to seriously strangle the spellchecker sometimes. Often when it's stuck on automatic.

One of these days I'm going to write a fic that's me (the author) and the characters versus the spellchecker whose unchecked corrections and missed mistakes are wreaking havoc with reality.

>>850427850427 Sounds like one of those meta twilight fic, like the ones that make favs and upvote sound sexual

>>850423850423

Oh... Thanks!

Alright, just finished, and so much yes.  I was worried my enthusiasm might be wasted on boring lead-up stuff.  Nothing boring here though and I'm sorry for doubting you.  This was a truly delicious opening and has me ravenous for more.

>>850432850432

I don't know about you, but favs, likes, and especially comments always get me...

*Ahem* -- er um rather... nothing to see here folks.

>>850467850467 Thanks! I hope I can live up to the potential of this one then

Zecora's adobe?

Spike's reaction to being used as a weapon of mass destruction makes me think of Alien 9. He's going to end up a basket case. And not the sort of cute little basket Twilight lets him sleep with in the show.

Awesome! I really like Pokey in this one.

Poor Spike.

>>850562850562 it's 'home' now, just so it creates an aliteration 'humble hidden home'

Oh my God it's grammatical editing I'll actually be useful for: Early Modern English!

“Quiet!” ordered Corona, turning to face her two minions with anger etched on her regal face. “Minions should not be heard, unless thy Queen requires it!”

In Early Modern English, "you" and its variants are used for plural in all cases. So it should by "unless your Queen" if she's speaking to both Spike and Zecora (well...technically, it's supposed to be "ye," but I used "you" throughout LNLD).

Quick reminder:

I speak

Thou speakest

He/she/it speaketh

We speak

Ye speak

They speak

“We are Celestia! We are the Sun! We are thy Queen! Bow!” she declared stoically.

...actually...I was going to point out that Corona never once used the royal "we" in LNLD despite constantly having the upper hoof, but actually, I think I like her suddenly picking it up. It just goes to further show how insane she is: she has even less power than in LNLD, and yet she's using the royal "we" as though she's speaking for the State and all of Equestria.

“Thou shall cleanest this filth out once expelling thy lunch you complete,” she ordered, looking back to Zecora.

Yoda, Corona has suddenly become. Either that or she's hanging out with Zecora too much. Also, it's thou shalt. Unless she's started to partially take Cheerilee's advice.

Awakest, our servant! Wreckest havoc in our name!

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be "awaken" and "wreck."

>>850924850924

Ah ha ha ha ha. Oh I'm going to need your help with that a lot over the next two months.

>>851093851093

Believe it or not it's actually surprisingly easy once you get the hang of it...

>>850924850924 Thanks for the tips, I changed the 'thy' to 'your' and went with awaken and wreck. I also slightly modified that expell thy lunch line so it doesn't feel too Yoda-ish. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless, we haven't seen Corona in a while.

Holy Discord- onna-stick this went dark fast.  I know that L!verse is supposed to be slightly darker, but this is really dark.  Dismemberment and death of a sentient on screen?  The heck?

>>852909852909

Well, Corona DID give it a chance to surrender peacefully....

>>852909852909

'Sides which, it wasn't a named character, just Dragon A. And done in a kind of comedic way.

At least I assume the goal was comedy seeing as the scene ended with the Tyrant Sun, the mad god, the terror to all of creation, saying "ew."

Nice chapter, cant wait for the next one.

>>855528855528

Yeah, but I'm still of the mind that L!verse cannon stories should be Y-7, not Y-13.  Although Y-13 would give a different feel, which may be what you writers are going for.

Unless the L!verse target audience was L!bronies from the start.

>>855528855528 It was done OFF SCREEN technically. Plus Corona's a bad guy, gotta show that at some point.

Oh, goody. A gritty retelling of both Dragonshy and Bird in the Hoof. That being said, we might finally get a good look at why, aside from being a zebra and thus sort of not understanding what Corona is, she's so devoted to the hateful, greedy maniac the Tyrant Sun is. My guess is that she sees herself as the one chosen by fate to restore her to sanity.

Wow. That was slightly more gory than I anticipated, despite being done mostly off screen.

Still sounds like it's going to be a fun ride as usual!

I'm guessing that the “…And then I said ‘I’m not, and don’t call me Oatmeal'!” Quote is a reference to Pinkie Pies' famous line "and then I said 'Oatmeal, are you crazy?"

If so, I like very much.

Good to see Pokey on top form. Ponyville politics just isn't the same without his SHARP wit. Though snappy replies aside, it was cool to see him willing to jump into action when the need arrised.

I must admit that having greed Spike as an attack dragon is bad enough but now she wants MORE weapons to her arsenal. Starting with a pheonix, yeah I wasn't sure if character's scary factor could go upwards from being a sun tyrant but it's definitely going upwards.

That said, the little ew she gave before the opening credits was brillant

>>860182860182 I'm sorry, somehow your comment slipped past me

But yes, yes it is a reference to that line

When the evil!Philomeena phoenix comes, there is a possible way to stop it.

1) Snuff out its fire powers by keeping it down in a body of non-flammable liquid too large for her to boil away with flames (e.g. pin it down at the bottom of a lake with a boulder, get it stuck in a sticky swamp bog, with possible involvement of some kind of gravity spell).

2) When evil!Philomeena's pinned down, kill it somehow (e.g. drown it in the mentioned body of liquid. I personally prefer taking it out when it's soaking wet and stomping its head into a bloody pulp.)

3) Evil!Philomeena would do as any phoenix do when it dies by turning to a pile of ashes, before rebirthing itself in a burst of flame. When that happens, blow half of the ashes away before it regenerates, and keep the remaining half in a jar of water so the ashes can't burn. That'll keep her down for good.

Even if it somehow manages to regenerate, it'll be locked in a twisted cycle of death and rebirth as it would do so in two separate halves in two different locations, causing it to die in agony, only to reborn, then die, reborn, die, reborn, over and over again...

Look, I know it's exceptionally cruel in execution, but that's the only way I could think of on how to defeat an immortal monster like that. And that's assuming there's a way to get step one started to begin with.

Just a question: how much do you think Corona actually cares about her immortal pet?

I got a couple of edits for you:

In a flash all humidity in the dreary caved was eliminated, the walls and floor turning as dry as they would be in the desert.

Cave instead of caved, and

And off course the air was as humid as she had been led to believe. Nothing could catch on fire under normal circumstances.

“Off course I’d still get top billing,” said Trixie, putting her hoof to her chest in mock offense.

Of course instead of off course.

But yeah, this is a fantastic opening chapter. We're seeing more of the big bad and her minions (with a new, immortal foe to fight) plus I liked how you showed the beatdown through Zecora's and Corona's reactions. Even though I'd bet dollars to doughnuts Phil's at her "near 'death'" stage (I mean come on, it's the Flower Trio. They'd overreact to anything.), it's still great to see a phoenix as the villain in a story.

Here we go! Chapter 2! Originally it was going to be much longer but I decided to cut here since I hadn't updated in so long. Don't be affraid to point out any of my horrendous mistakes. Hope you guys still enjoy it so far!

“The world is burning! Burning!” shouted Lilly, suddenly waking up.

“It’s okay Lilly, it’s over now,” said Rose, soothing her friend.

This, somehow, didn’t calm the excited mare “Oh no! It’s all over! Over!”

Raindrops smiling made me chuckle, but for some reason this part made me nearly fall out of my seat laughing. I don't know why, objectively it's not terribly funny, but every time I look at it I laugh a little.

Anyway. My only real complaint here is that this was too short!

To say Trixie was surprised by the visit was an understanding.

Also, you have Trixie call Raindrops "Rainsy" at one point, which is, if you'll pardon my bluntness, kinda stupid, which Trixie usually isn't.

>>10893051089305 Oops. Thanks for spotting that one.

Got another suggestion for the nickname?

Great to see this updating! I like the way you're weaving the two plots together. Random fires over Ponyville is actually a pretty scary thought. I'm impressed that Trixie's arcane sight can pick up earth pony magic - that's usually pretty subtle - but then, Trixie was always good at sensing magic.

>>10893551089355 Um, I dunno, Drops?

wasn't the Mayor's name "Ivory Scroll", not "Mare"?

Even better than just one big torch, and it works well with the natural phoenix tendancy to troll!

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/293/590/6f6.gif

"Philomena: Living Weapon of Mass Disruption." Corona might as well have said "This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us."

>>10893551089355

She could always call her 'RD'

>>10895551089555 'Drops' is the mocking nickname Rainbow dash uses, and probably all the bullies at Flight Camp. So Raindrops doesn't like it. So it's either 'Rain', 'Rainy' or 'Rainsy'.

>>10896221089622 Yes and I adressed her as Ivory Scoll in there too. 'Mayor Mare' is basically her title.

>>10904671090467 Ah! Captain Scarlet! Plus a phoenix is immortal

>>10903321090332 >>10895521089552 Thanks! I'm trying not to make this story as short as my previous ones.

>>10907221090722 I would, but then that sounds like Rainbow Dash.

Ooh, I like it. I'm eager to see where this is going.

One small thing: in Carrot Top Season, it's mentioned that Lily also grows flowers for eating. Granted, it's mentioned that she's no good at it, so maybe that's just a side project.

Ah, the plot thickens! Blueblood wants a good-looking mare on his foreleg come the GGG. I like Serious Audit, too.

>>10921921092192

You should meet his brother, Casual.

>>10910041091004 Dang, I could swear it was Daisy who was mentioned as the flower farmer ><

Maybe I'm just burnt out by all the Greengrass shenanigans or something, but I'm kinda not liking the whole "Blueblood blackmails Trixie" sub-plot. It seemed to just take up like, half the chapter to me as well. Hopefully I'm wrong, and the Blackmail plot doesn't end up as much of a plot tumor as my mind seems to be making it.

>>10930631093063 Don't worry, if Audit had been THAT important to the story I would have put an 'OC' tag on it. I actually came up with that sub-plot between writing chapter 1 and 2, so it's not essential to the main plot.

>>10932401093240 So then it'll be resolved quickly, so we can get back to Philomena shenanigans?

>>10933801093380 Something like that. It's mostly there to put some pressure on Trixie.

>>10934171093417 Fair enough. Should've probably wait until you get more chapters out before I decide I dislike a part of the story.

>>10910041091004 I've switched things a little around, now Daisy owns the shop and Lilly the farm but they're associates. I've made it so Lilly is the exceptional breeder and Daisy the flower arangement one, with Rose still the caretaker.

The one bad thing about pre-reading is that it becomes all too easy to forget to comment when things actually go live.  Anyway, I still really loved getting to see happy Raindrops doing what she loves most.  Also liked the way Trixie and Pokey throw about detective banter.  Plus I'm still going to say that I'm impressed by Blueblood's persistence (5 galas in a row now).  Also, by his potential callousness as unless he's taken adequate precautions he might well have to risk throwing his uncle to wolves, such as it were, too.

>>10890981089098

My personal favorate was...

“The miniature Tyrant Sun is stalking us!”

Wish I could have been half as creative when writing the flower trio in my fic.

>>10895521089552

Yeup, me thinks a certain nomadic bookworm could learn a thing or two.

>>10895551089555

Yeah, as Fizzy said, Raindrops hates being called by only the second half of her name due to foal-hood teasing about being clumsy (incidentally something she and Trixie sort of have in common); my call/suggestion there, so blame me for any trouble it causes.  I figure Trixie might have pulled 'Drops' on her once, and only once, to which Raindrops flatly retorted that if Trixie ever did it again she would be hearing the name Lulamoon a lot more often.

>>10930631093063

See, I rather like that part because A) it gives us more machinations form a noble that isn't Greengrass, and B) it has no obvious connection to gaining control over the Elements of Harmony.  Blueblood was supposed to be the original political villain, but thanks to G&C2 he got almost completely overshadowed (not that I'm complaining), so it's good to see him playing some role.

>>10908461090846

>I would, but then that sounds like Rainbow Dash.

I think that's kinda the joke.

Yeah, uh...this might warrant a dark tag just for the cold open.  I'm not sure anything else in the Lunaverse has gone as far as eviscerating a dragon onscreen

>>13287471328747 Offscreen. I didn't describe any of the actual eviscerating. It's also pretty much as dark as it's going to get, so I don't think this warrants it.

Ctrl-F for "Raindow Dash" and "Off course".  Both happen twice.

“My cabbages! My cabbages!” wailed Mister Cabbage.

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/000/681/what-you-did-there-i-see-it.thumbnail.jpg

>>13897341389734 that was the point!

Hmm... I see what you mean about the chapter being short; it does end rather abruptly.  Still, what's here is overall pretty good.

You will go see your underworld contacts

>>13897341389734

So did I, though I might have chosen a less freakishly disturbing image to point it out.

So.....not only do we have a bit of a jerk as a protagonist, she's a jerk half the town doesn't trust. This is way better than the Celestiaverse; there, we'd have to deal with a gumdrop that nopony seems to know well enough to have formed an opinion of.

That was a fun chapter!  The cabbage outages spread and the snark between Trixie and, well, everyone, but especially Pokey was top shelf!

And with a little Googling to fill in the gaps in my not so much rusty as completely un-smelted French, I appreciated the Trixie's song.  It's a little weirdly off-kilter, just like the the mare herself.

Good chapter short but very entertaining, with great humour (pinkie as an underworld contact, singing in the shower) and wonderful references, you did seem to sort of forget RD until the end there, but that's a minor thing, looking forward to the next one!

>>13897341389734 I see it as well :3

Hmm...Trixie thinks that a pegasus is behind it but isn't questioning that the pegasus seems to be able to use their pegasus magic to cause fires.

Does this mean that pegasi are capable of whipping up storms of brimstone and going Ten Plagues on people they hate...?

Without Raindrops’ magic flooding the site she did manage to make out a faint aura of wild magic

Would pegasus magic really be overt enough to block Trixie's perception like that? I guess its relative similarity to phoenix magic might help in this particular case, but still, I wouldn't expect pegasus magic to be that overpowering except maybe if she actually scanned the body of a pegasus.

>>13897441389744

So, does Trixie have any frothing fanfillies?

There seem to be a lot more mechanical errors in this chapter, to the point where they got rather distracting.

Short, but not too shabby. I love Trixie as a gumhorseshoe.

Well, Trixie certainly got into her role. "Pierceson"'s underworld contacts? As code for Pinkie Pie? ...Well then.

Some slight spelling/grammar errors I noticed.

On the other hoff

Should probably be 'hoof'

"It’s obvious we got an arsonist in Ponyville Trixie,” Pokey said, “and it’s not like Ponyville got any investigator.

So Pokey became Italian-American suddenly?

So 'we' should either become 'we've' or get 'have' added at the end (the former is probably best), maybe add a comma after the first 'Ponyville', and either add a possessive "'s" on the second one or insert 'has'.

Don't know if there are anymore (other than a few commas you don't actually need), it's too late at night and iPads do not work as well for this as actual computers. I'll check later.

>>13905531390553 Indeed, Trixie is best... ...that.

>>13906131390613 Fixed!

>>13903611390361 You got any you can point out?

>>13898161389816 Honeslty I could have kept going but I don't think I'll have time to work on fics for the next few day and it had been long enough since I last published something.

>>13906671390667

Sorry; there are a lot of them I spotted, and I'm rather busy at the moment.

Well, I think both pegasi and phoenixes have similar magic.  Pegasi have [Air] and [Water] magic, and phoenixes have [Air] and [Fire] magic, so any interactions are going to be swamped with [Air] magic.

>>13901181390118

A Pegasus could whip up a storm cloud and then start a fire using lightning.  Some with exceptional talent might even be able to skip the cloud and make lightning using air friction alone.

Most likely though she has no real clue and is just grasping at straws.

>>13906671390667 Ones I noticed, going back over it quickly...

Wait…what

and it’s not like Ponyville has any investigator.

She had since them adapted it

“Well you would be considered a hero

as if those accusations were none of his concerns

to one of the Flower Trio girl.

This was clearly not the work of well-molded magic like a unicorn would do, and more a natural expression akin to that of a pegasus or earth pony.

he had other things in his mind

Finally realized you had no chance with her huh?

“Not flirting huh… classy just a nice way of saying ‘stuffy’,”

went back to her examination while Pokey smile victoriously.

and tell us what you’ve learn between two fits of flirtatious giggling

Guess we got a proper mystery on our hooves

Hah ah!

Found a clue Boss

off course it’s his!

Pokey stared at her, his eyebrow knitted in confusion

>>13901611390161 Raindrops flooded the area with rainwater last time, washing away any traces of magic. I don't remember if it was already established in the Lunaverse, but commonly, running water disrupts magic, no matter the source.

was friend with

one of the Flower Trio girl.

first got on sight.

>>13915231391523 Thanks but I'm not sure what is wrong on some of those.

>>13930031393003 fixed those thanks!

they are gonna finally run into the dreaded bird soon, right? Cause the seto, while good, is dragging just teensy bit.

>>13953541395354 It wouldn't feel that way if I hadn't cut the chapter in half

Man, I can't beleive it took this long to comment

This was a really good chapter. The dialog was top notch and as always Pokey and Trixie work so well together.

This Auditor/Blueblood angle sounds interesting. I wonder how it will tie in with Philomena.

Oh this was brillant

Great to see Trixie's morning ritual make a return. I really like the song choice.

And this is why Pokey and Trixie work so well together. Their both such snarky showoffs. I love it!

>>14222571422257 Well the TV tropes page says that every scene with those two is 'Snark to Snark Combat' so who am I to make TV Tropes lie? Glad you liked it!

>>14222941422294

Foolish Pokey. Your Northern style of Snark-Fu is no match for my Drunken master.

>>14224591422459 Yes well, at least you admit you have a problem.

Yay update

Uh-oh...

Philomeena: I have a secret weapon, you see -

Raindrops: Is it that you can transform?

Philomeena: I CAN TRANSFOR - okay, when and how?

Raindrops: Spike told me.

------------------------

Spike: So...did you know that Philomeena can transform?

Raindrops: Really?

Spike: Yup. And Pokey's gay.

Raindrops: Interesting.

------------------------

Raindrops: And then I threw a dog biscut at him. True story.

bahaha I was sold the minute I heard Pokey going on about his failed date with Pinky and pink tacos

The jokes may be used allot but they are also really entertaining.

Yes loved Raindrops knowledge dump, plus it's a cool idea in general.

Ah bureaucracy, it can let even Pokey become a licensed P.I.

“Grab it!” called Raindrops.

Not the best plan when it's a magical fire bird.

I was surprised both by Philomena being a new born check and by her sudden appearance.

I think when we saw serious audit again it should have read:

“My briefcase!” screamed Serious Audit as Pokey left him the singed item as he too took up the chase.

and CT maybe should have used "no pony in particular" but these and a small number of others are minor things.

Sad to say the song link thingy didn't work.

hehehe Loved the Pinkie scene.

I did find the point of view changes a little hard to follow in this.

Don't feel top bad Raindrops that bird was being a jerk, and they always come back, not that she knows that

Liked Raindrops's shock and Philomenas adult body, "magic just got real"

>>15552491555249

>>15552821555282 I did the second 'My briefcase!' bit better. You were right it was clunky. change 'no one' to 'nopony', and I fixed the link

>>15553321555332

Glad I was of some use.