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"This is a tale said around many a camp fire here in the Mojave. Some will tell you its a tall tale made up by drunken caravaners to past the time on the long and winding roads, but this is a true story. So come take a seat by the fire I have a fresh piece of mole rat in the pot if you care to indulge me with an audience... the story is of the strange pair..."
Thank you to frieD195 for editing and making it look pretty!
Will add tags as they come up.
So this became a wall of text.
First of all, I would like to say that the story has a decent concept, and it did hold my attention rather well. However it could be better, and needs some revision. First, there are a number of technical errors throughout the piece; a few run-on sentences here, a couple missing comas there, all easy stuff to fix. One major thing that kept popping up was tense confusion. Another minor thing was "shot gun," instead of shotgun.
Next, though, might be tougher to deal with. One of the harder to fix problems may be that there are times when your writing style is, well, blunt. An example can be found in your first paragraph: "As I left the storm behind I stopped to dust off the sand left on my shoulders revealing the crest of the Brotherhood. The crest was a sword in the middle of three gears on the left and one cog on the right with two wings encircling them." The last sentence here is lacking. It's a description and nothing more. I personally find something more akin to "As I left the storm behind, I stopped to dust off the sand stuck to my shoulders revealing painstakingly painted gears overlaid by an old-world blade –– the symbol of the Brotherhood of Steel," to be more appealing. And I'm certain most readers would agree. It may come as a surprise, but it is possible to be too descriptive. There's more examples throughout the writing, but it's late and I'm lazy.
Moving on. There's some technical bits regarding fallout cannon that got a bit garbled. Namely that while the Brotherhood may be draconian, they wouldn't exile/execute a member who was sent out on a mission with no support and got overpowered. That, right there, was enough to kill my suspension of belief. Also for some nagging reason by brain keeps telling me that the brotherhood wears Recon Armor in under their armor to interface with it, but I can't pin down where I'm remembering it from. An important thing to note is that the fallout universe runs on 1950's styled tech. You kept calling terminals computers. In FO, computers still run on vacuum tubes and tape reels. What you're using in game is just an input/output terminal, not the computer itself.
Continuing.
This last one requires a paragraph of its own due to the sheer >wat.png it induced when I read it. "I took of the battery pack that supplied the armor and tossed it and the L30 at the horde of Ghouls knocking them backwards I shielded my eyes as it detonated."
>wat.
Try and tell me that reads correctly. Even in context. Here is a recording of my thoughts, in order, as I reread that sentence for the fourth time. 1: "...I took of the battery pack..."2: I fail to see how the pack begins to factor into the equation at all, it was the gun going critical, not the suit. 3: Wait, did he just rip out the power source for hydraulically driven armor? How can he move? 4: Run on sentence. 5: two objects were thrown, and then you refer to them as the singular "it." 6: wat.
I really do want to like your work. It looks promising, but unrefined. My advice is to find a dedicated editor to run this stuff through before you post it.
>>795618 thank you for your reveiw I love to hear what people think. Firstly while normally they do use recon armor for their power armor to work properly I choose not to simply out of preference because I think it doesn't look all that interesting (yes I'm petty). Second while the brotherhood would not kill one of their own for such a small action they would for the purpose of the writing scare him into believing failure means death. Or maybe it's just his own fears of failure that made him think that. Lastly I see your point I at time do come off as blunt as can of mace but hey practice makes perfect. Also for the part about why he's sent alone well the Mojave chapter is very undermanned so they don't have the forces to spare.
>>811676 so I take it you liked it? *Smug face* All ready started on next chapter.
PS: nice image use I see what you did there.
>>832233 I like it is different to other fallout cross overs where in them the lone wanderer/courier goes to Equestria. But in this its the other way around and twilight goes to the the Mojave. I wish to see how this ends as it has grasped my attention which is difficult cause I am following two other fallout cross overs.
Name: John Johnson
Karma and or Affiliation: Good. No affiliation.
Personality: Complete sarcastic, asshole. Will fiercely defend friends in need.
Appearance: Caucasian. Tall, T51-b power armor. Very strong.
Equipment: 10mm pistol sidearm. Displacer glove. Brass Knuckles. Fists.
There you go. And part of the reason he is a sarcastic asshole is his name is John Johnson.
Name: Forrest Richtoven
Karma and or Affiliation: Good. Brotherhood of Steel.
Personality: Cynical. Short-tempered. Will die for those who are able to earn his trust. Speaks Swedish under pressure.
Appearance: Tall-ish. Pale. Redhead. Male. Light grey eyes. Wears gecko-backed leather armor turned light grey from wear and tear.
Equipment: Silenced .22 sidearm. Combat knife. La lounge carbine.
NOOOOO!!!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH NEW VEGAS CROSSOVERS, IT'S TIME FOR THE REAL BADASS, THE LONE WANDERER, TO SHINE!!!!! MORE LONE WANDERER NOW!!!! YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THE STORY!!!!! SAVE THE CROSSOVER FOR YOUR NEXT STORY, THIS ONE IS ALREADY CLAIMED BY THE LONE WANDERER!!!! YES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A NEW VEGAS/FALLOUT 3/MLP:FIM CROSSOVER, BUT NOT IN THIS STORY!!!!
Please, I'll let you pet Angel Bunny.
CANON BREAK ALERT! HAYES IS REASSIGNED AFTER A NEW SHERIFF IS SELECTED BY THE COURIER! CANON BREAK ALERT! HAYES SHOULD BE AT FORLORN HOPE AND SPIRALING INTO INSANITY! CANON BREAK ALERT! Oh, wait a second. He gets reassigned after retaking NCRCF. 
Anyways, good reason for the Courier: BoS Sends him after them to figure out just what in the name of Roger Maxson that purple thing is.
Here is my opinion of this story: This story is realy good and got a got plot-line...Thats until Darius meets Twilight. He isn't as traumatized like I was when I found Derpy. In other words I was shocked beyond comprehension.
You know a good amount of this and you can write a story. The format is good and it has a interesting plot but as I said, I think it wen't downhill when he meets Twilight but hey, thats just my opinion.
Note: I and Derpy have only read the first chapter and we will read more later, Its over Derpys bedtime.
Last word of story: Good
And it's technically Lone Wanderer/Courier.
>>837116 Thanks I hate the starting dialog of, "Holy shit what is that?!"
So I wrote it quickly just to get a start for something better.
Also I kind of feel that he sees a lot of bad shit in the wasteland probably just said, "Fuck it. Its a strange creature big deal."
OC Human for story;
Name; James
Karma and/or affiliation; excellent and none.
Personality; becomes crazy under pressure and smart. His weakness is becoming crazy when in extreme battles like the Battle For Hover Dam.
Appearance; Black and red Mohawk, Caucasian male, rough beard and green and blue eyes, Raider Armor
Equipment; Hunting rifle, Hunting shotgun, Lazer pistol.
History; Fought in the second battle of Hover Dam, became crazy right in the middle killing almost everyone by him. After the battle he became mentally unstable.
Name: Jeremy Kingston/Shade
Karma and affiliation: Neutral and BOS
Personality: Either Ungodly Snide/Kind, and a little crazy. Drunk Science is something he enjoys >:D. Weaknesses are that he has MPD and will switch from being a passive medic to a killer who will stop at nothing to kill all enemies at the worst of times. Medic:Jeremy Kingston. Killer:Shade
Appearance: Caucasian. High-riser short cut that is Corn-silk in color. Very young (19 to be exact), wears advance medic combat Armour (Double steel plating) with a yin yang on each shoulder. Wears black glasses with white trim and has faded blue eyes.
Equipment: 44. Magnum modified (By him) to shoot Sniper bullets and is called Called, 'Shot in the dark'. And a Displacer glove for close range.
History: Fought at first battle of Hover Dam
oc for story
Name: absconditas (latin for hidden\concealed)
karma neutral
afiliation whoever pays most caps
s.p.e.c.i.a.l
strenght: averege joe(5)
perception:Eagle with Telescope(10)
endurance; Stain-Resistant(5)
charisma:Creepy Undertaker(3)
inteligance:Smartypants (7)
agility:Catlike (6) because of implant
luck:Coin Flip (5)
apearance:wears desert Ranger combat armor and helmet w/o helment he wears glasses Caucasian male.Hair: i cant remember the name but like you're father in fallout 3 has a goatee carries a Gobi Campaign scout rifle (50% broken) and a switchblade repaired at max
Personality: lone wolf kinda guy is a mercenary. though he tries to appear like a tough guy secretly loves those pre-war animals called ponies.He prefers taxing stealth missions and killing his targets from a distance and notwasting many bullets he saved Raul instead the cannon story where the courier did it. Raul being absconditas's only friend.He is also a very paranoic individual sleeping with his weapons and armor carryng alot of stims etc.etc
noticeble perks
silent running
light step
sniper!
wild wasteland
four eyes
Friend of the Night
Gunslinger
Tag!
Mister Sandman
Tag skils
stealth
guns
repair
(all tag's maxed)
sorry for my bad English and i hope he is good enaugh he is mostly based around my and my friend Robert's couriers hope this will help :twilightsheepish
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