Please tell me what you think. I'm not good with emotions, so I need to know how I did here

Edit: Watch out, the comments contain spoilers.

Lol so you were the story that was holding up mine? Here I am waiting for mine to move up on the list and I see it go from position 49 to position 48 and I decide to check what just got through and what do I see? A story by you! Oh how funny this whole thing is. Now on to reading your story as I wait.

That was so sad........I loved it. Masterfully written and perfectly presented.

>>808755808755 48? I managed to get position 2 Do tell me what you think when you're finished!

>>808882808882 Thank you!

>>808882808882 Totally agree with you man. I loved everything about it.

>>808939808939 Number 2?! You son of a *explodes*.

Lol I haven't even moved yet from position 48 :P This might take a while.

SO MUCH WIN

>>809022809022 What did you think of the story? I'm impatient!

>>809141809141 I am about 1/3 done reading it, unfortunately I have to go for about an hour at the most, but if you are on later I will finish reading it as quickly as possible. So please await for my return.  *Party Cannon Launches* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *twinkle*

That was beautiful, a heart tugging story that had me trying to hide my manly tears,

Once again you have proven yourself a master story teller, well done sir

This is the first story I have read in a long time, where I really don't know what to say.

I am in tears it was simply beautiful

Beautiful, simply amazing. I dare say I must watch you now.

*sniffs* You...why must you write so good?! This was beautiful man, one of the best fictions I have read in a VERY long time. Lynked words can't describe how amazing this story was so I will just have to give you all my Rainbow Dash's. Take them all!

That's right I rate your story 6 out of 5.

that was amazing I shed many manly tearsand I regret none of them

The story you have written here today was an astounding read and I will say that it ranks in the top 5 of what I have read so far. I do kinda wish that it had a happier ending as I am a rather big fan of Octavia. I will definitely re-read this at a later date. Thanks for letting us read this.

Oh, this is lovely.  A lesser scribe would have had Octavia slowly, then not so slowly, going mad, screaming at that disembodied voice, ripping up the furniture, and bawling up a storm worthy of a brace of pegasi.  So much more difficult, so much more heartbreaking, to see her trying to maintain some semblance of control.

And of course this scores points for "Finally, somepony for Luna."  But the clincher is in the middle, with Twilight Sparkle evidently making it up as she goes along, a reminder that the most miraculous and the most mundane have always walked together, side by side.

>>809458809458 Thank you A master storyteller? I feel flattered

>>809607809607 Thank you very much for that, and thanks for reading!

>>809715809715 Really? That's awesome! Thank you!

>>809888809888 6 out of 5? That's quite the spirit boost!

>>810796810796 It may sound odd, but I'm glad I could put you in tears

>>810840810840 Thanks! I know what you're saying, with the happy ending. Though I feel it would have been... unsatisfying. Thank you for reading!

>>811065811065 I'm a good scribe I'm not sure what you're saying about Twilight though I suppose I understand most of it, just not the clincher part. Anyway, thanks for reading!

I poured a lot of hard work into this one, so thanks for the comments

This was a truly beautiful story man good ob

>>812982812982

Twilight not losing her cool (much) in a scene that was positively awash in awkwardness.  This was handled with a very deft touch: it isn't until her report is completed and she's away from the scene that she allows herself to contemplate the matter.  (Remember those Lesser Scribes?  They'd have had her going just this side of ballistic almost immediately.)

Featured and some really good comments on this one, so I'll read it later. Too long for me to read today, I'm knackered.

>>812982812982 Glad to here that boosted your spirit! Oh yeah and my story is live so give it a read when you get the chance.

Thanks again for the shoutout Lynked and outstanding work on this beautiful story!

Masterfully written, and beautiful all the same. one of the best i have ever read, well done, sir.

Eh... This was a pretty decent story, but you didn't really manage to make me feel for the characters, and i was slightly turned off by the ill-fitting weirdness of it all.

Still, your writing is excellent, and the story was still somewhat intriguing, so it was easily worth the effort of reading anyway. Have four 4 out of 5 stars, and a moustache to go along with them:

So beautiful.

You owe me a new handkerchief.

This one is soggy.

faved, liked, and watched.

>>813133813133>>815117815117 Thank you!

>>814050814050 Featured? Where did you see this featured? Ah, and I look forward to your thoughts.

>>818030818030 Thank you for them all

>>815947815947 I can respect that, though I could use some clarification. I didn't make you feel for the characters, so I think you mean the end was bland? And if so, might I ask why? I'm trying to get better at this

Also, what do you mean, 'ill-fitting weirdness'? Are you saying that the story was too strange to be immersed in, or am I confused?

Thanks for the 4 out of 5 (and the moustache ), that's still good in my book.

Okay, fair enough, explanation.

The first thing would be is that the voice Octavia converses with in her mind - which i'm pretty sure is the Moon itself, from where se originates - is a bit too... helpful. It sort of makes it too easy for Octavia - she doesn't really have to think much for herself, she just have to let the Moon show her what she feels - and that kills both the suspense in her discovering of her true feelings, and it makes it harder for me to identify myself with her.

Secondly, Luna's search for her unspecified "something" - which turns out to be a piece of the moon, i.e. Octavia of course - feels really off. I don't see any real reason for Luna to keep her search secret, and from a storytelling point of view, no real reason for Celestia to know about it either. Nothing of it really amounts to anything either way, since Luna suddenly just realizes that Octavia is her piece of the moon, and calls her out on it. All the mystique (is this a word? whatever.) that Luna's secret searching, Celestia's secret knowing about Luna's secret searching and the readers internal wondering of what the heck they're searching for is pretty much left in the dust, when everything just magically resolves another way. There's no exciting culmination of hidden knowledge and secret feelings.

Lastly, while you write the characters pretty well in most scenes, some of them are a bit weak, especially the garden party scene. Firstly, Octavia has been very timid from the beginning of the story, so it feels a bit out of character when she suddenly mans up, pretty much out of nothing, and kisses Luna in the middle of all of Equestria's nobles. I mean, she still has more than a week left to live in, so while she's certainly close, there's no real "now or never" feeling to it, and we don't even know she's dying yet anyway. Secondly, the nobles' reactions seems a bit off, giving a standing ovation while your princess is being kissed seems a bit awkward, and disrespecting your princess by scowling and turning away seems like unlikely behaviour as well.

Thirdly, and most importantly i think, is the end of the scene. It just kind of wanes out into nothing. Luna really pulls a weak one when she pretty much acts like nothing really happened and just scampers off to bed, instead of flying out there and finding out what really happened. This is probably the weakest point of the story, and i think i could have forgiven a lot of the other mistakes if this one wasn't there.

So, there you have it. I hope you find it constructive.

I'd love it if i actually helped you become an even better writer, because i'd say you're pretty well on your way already

HadronPony out.

>>819092819092 Hmm... Well I'll offer what I think, and then we'll see if we can't morph this.

I had it in mind that Octavia was a piece of the moon, so instead of it being her and the moon who converse, it's actually her and herself. So... I don't really know what to do about that.

I never had Celestia know about it, and as for Luna keeping it a secret, I was thinking, 'Her moon, her business'. As for a culmination of knowledge/hidden feelings, I'm not sure really how else I could have done it and resolved it in a satisfying way. It seems that, given any clue, the reader could just jump on the fact that Octavia is what she is, and then what?

The garden scene: I thought of it as a panic. The cracks are painful, and when anyone is in pain, their rationality seems to wane. That, coupled with the fact that Octavia knows the end, seems to be a 'rational' thought in a time like that. I know I haven't said she's dying, but I didn't want too. I wanted the reader to wonder, 'What was that about?"

But, eh, no, the nobles weren't painted too well, were they

The end scene was the hardest, I swear to you. I don't know what you mean, of it waning into nothing. I left the cello, the necklace, and the constellation, as well as the fact that Luna knew just what happened--that being, Octavia rejoined the rest of herself. I don't know what she would be flying out to find

If you have an idea on how to improve it, I'm all ears. It may be on the site, but the writing is never done. And, if I can get a stronger ending, with more of an emotional impact, then hell, I'll shoot for a major rewrite if necessary.  

Hah, a better writer you say? I may get there one day, hopefully

Your help is appreciated though

>>819243819243

"The end scene was the hardest, I swear to you. I don't know what you mean, of it waning into nothing. I left the cello, the necklace, and the constellation, as well as the fact that "

Oh, i didn't mean the end scene, i meant the end of the garden scene. Sorry about the confusion. The end scene was actually really good and my favorite part of the story

And Celestia did know about Luna's search for something, didn't she? Might just be my bad memory. If that is the case i apologize

"If you have an idea on how to improve it, I'm all ears."

Well... hmm... okay, i have an idea: How about Luna, in her flustered, curious state, follows Octavia to her house - and here you could choose to let her take the cello with her, strike the thing with the cello (as it might not fit well in this version) or do something else with it. This puts Luna in a position where she's more in charge, instead of just passively waiting to be sought out. At the house i figure the two would most likely confront in pretty much the same way they do already, although, with the heightened emotions in the situation, you could go for some more drama instead of the calm and controlled confrontation they have at the moment if you'd like. (i'd like that ). After this the story would play out pretty much like it does already.

Another idea: you take the confrontation scene, which would still take place after the garden party at Octavia's house, and merge it with the finale. This would obviously mean that you'd have to cut out the week they spend together, but it's not a very long piece anyway, and it doesn't really have any function either, since they're allready pretty much as close as they can get before that. This would add a good chunk of drama and additional sadness to it all, and - i forgot to mention this earlier - make the end, which i think is a bit too longwinded at the moment, of a more reasonable length. - This is probably the idea i like best.

There you go. Hope you can use any of it.

>>819361819361 It was? That's great news.

Also, nope. Celestia didn't know anything.

Hmm... they're interesting ideas, but I'll need to think about it. It cuts some important things out, either way I do it. I may be able to tweak it up a bit, though, but I'd still have to plan. Future project, I suppose. For now, I think I have another story Idea Adding this to my list of stuff to do.

Thanks!

Why?? Great story. HadronPony had a good idea with the "have Luna follow her to her house and confront." But it was a great read and I am glad I took the time out of my morning to read it. Thank you. I guess this was a good substitute for Moonlight Sonata. For now. Please continue with the great writing.

Lynked all my manly tears are belong to you

Thank you for this, really, I'm grateful, not many things in this often cruel world of ours can get tears from me, so, thank you.

>>823368823368 I'm actually talking to him right now, trying to hammer some things out. Thanks for taking the time to read! And I'll get back to work on Sonata... eventually...

>>823605823605 All ur base are blong to us.

Seriously though, thanks!

>>832472832472 No, thank you for reading this.

Well guys, I feel flattered Thanks.

>>808462808462

I commented on the reddit link you posted, so here you go.

Very well done, by the way.  Bravo.

edit: I'll just leave this here in case people are curious, but don't want to link out.

[–]NAT0strike

1 point 17 hours ago* (1|0)

I only had time to read through chapter 2 for right now. It's really well written. A few minor spelling errors that I would have to re-read to maybe find them again.

There was one glaring grammatical error. Second sentence of the first paragraph of chapter 2. I had to read that sentence about four times over to understand what you were trying to get across. That's the only revision I've found necessary so far.

The first 2 chapters have definitely got my attention. I look forward to reading the rest when I get a chance.

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[–]NAT0strike

1 point 31 minutes ago (1|0)

Just finished. That was good. Very good, in fact. The moment I realized what Octavia is in this story, I was like, "WHAT!?" (in a good way, though.)

Top notch story telling, and aside from several minor spelling/grammatical errors, nearly perfect.

Don't forget to fix the little mess at the beginning of chapter 2! That was the only real stumbling-block that I noticed.

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>>835753835753 Thanks! I'll respond here, because I like the site more. Hope that isn't a problem

I fixed that problem in chapter 2. Hopefully the editor this is going through will sweep out those grammar mistakes

Thanks for the complements!

I know Lynked already knows my feelings on this story, but I just wanted say that I really enjoyed this. I read it for the 2nd time and still can't get over that last scene man. But all in all just a great story. Makes me proud to be a brony. *bro hoof*

>>839010839010 Wow. Well thank you!

Angels cried from the beauty of this literature. Good show!

Ok... I have no clue what came over me there... but I agree! This. Is. Pure. Wubs. Awesome.

>>842960842960 Many thanks!

I just shed tears of mannlieness and sorrow... i love this beautiful story

That was really good. You helped me figure out where I left my feels. I forgot I even had feels.

In seriousness though I really enjoyed reading this. The characterization was interesting, the idea was very original, and, while the emotion wasn't completely perfect in execution, I feel that what it lacked is just something that comes from experience with writing. I rather enjoyed the little ways you added to Octavia's personality that hinted at previous events without having to sit down and tell us until she sat down and told Luna. Sometimes little things about a characters behavior can grow to become much more important than one expects in a story. When executed well, I very much enjoy that.

Oh, and high points on spelling and grammar as well.

I look forward to seeing what you produce in the future and seeing how you grow as a writer.

Thank you for letting me read.

>>874509874509 Emotions are hard

Thanks for reading, and the complements! I hope I don't disappoint

>>882653882653 I agree, emotions are hard.

Somehow I hate this story for this sad ending but at the same time I just adore it for the resonate and bitter-sweet ending. You  did a great job! Even if I hate sad stories, I have to admit: This was deeply touching and beautiful!

So, I gonna stop now bothering you with my bad english^^

Keep writing!

>>883836883836 Well thanks! I appreciate it

By the way, your English is fine

I don't ship ponies that aren't gay stallions, Twilight Sparkle, or Princess Celestia, and I found this very entertaining.

>>911995911995 Well thank you! The kind words are much appreciated

still a great story

On the verge of tears.

This fiction brought me closer to shedding tears than anything I have ever read aside from Old Yeller back in the day.

It didn't help in the least that I was listening to Transatlanticism while reading this.

What a wonderful masterpiece, a truly imaginative idea.

Thank you for this.

>>983745983745 Thank you very much

Lynked this was a great story ! seriously man your a great artist!

This was a great story in virtually every way.The writing was great, and your Luna is pretty much spot-on to how I imagine her. But... Octavia is actually a magical sentient piece of the moon? The weirdness of the concept overshadowed the intended emotional impact for me. It's fascinating in its own right, but took my attention away form the romance/tragedy aspect.

This story prompted me to give in and make a fimfic account, just to say how truly AWESOME it is!!

So sad, yet so sweet!   Coming from a guy who dislikes shipping, I have nothing but good things to say about it. It kept me captivated the whole way through.

And with Octuna, or Luntavia, or however one says that, no less! Not a ship I've heard of, yet you made it work, and also made it quite adorable.

Excellent work. Oh and to dispell your doubt, like so many others have, you have emotion pretty well figured out   

The feels! So many feels! It was an interesting and unique take on Octavia, and I have to say I really enjoyed it.

First, let me say this about the story: WIN!

Anyways,  was Octavia conscious when she was on the moon?  Or was she like any other rock?  What about when she turned to dust?  Did that somehow destroy her consciousness?  Could Octavia be reincarnated into something else?

>>10116781011678 Thanks! I really appreciate it.

>>10114941011494 Understandable, I suppose. Glad you liked it though, thanks for reading.

>>10114221011422>>10121251012125 Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.

>>10124041012404 Hmm, well I thought about having an alternate ending that explained a few things like that. Or maybe it was a bit of continuation, like: ~13~+

>>10124351012435

I don't know about an alternate ending, but a small (or large) continuation to explain Octavia's existence more thoroughly would be quite nice.

Amazing, and a bit weird.

i've read a MASSIVE amount of fics claiming to be sad, with word counts that numbered in the 50k range, but in the end there were no fucks given to them. THIS, however has proven to be a MASTERFULLY crafted peace of literature! some stories claim to be sad, when they kill off random people, but they don't carry that heavy emotional feel that luna had for octy, even when she knew of the soon to be. this story receives 8/10 for sadness (give me a break ok after MLD im still a little jaded now.) a 7/10 for pacing (it honestly could have been a bit longer, but beggars cant be choosers) a 9/10 for originality (DEM PLOT TWISTS!) and lastly a 8/10 for Shipping (THAT is a high score! be gracious, im very harsh on that one.) so you overall rating is... *drum roll*

9/10! (btw you got a bonus .5 for it being Octavia) GRATS!

I don't cry often to stories. Frankly, this is only the second story I have even teared up at, and the only one where I broke down in tears. Bravo.

Crap. This story put a song in my head, and I need to get it out. I will post it on YouTube when I am done!

Very good. I liked it a lot. Romantic and sad. I have to say, quite a unique paring

I don't always read shipping, but when I do they are off the wall and amazing. Seriously though, awesome story and ship.  Really well done and a very original concept.  Though in truth when I saw LunaxOctavia I was like wut? but then I read it and found it amazing

Random trollestia because Celestia is best pony laters!

Damn you for making me care about a frickin' rock. Well done, sir. Well done.

What i thought of when 'Tavi kiss luna for the first time. ignore the breathing cyanide bit..... Yeah.....DAMN STORY YOU SAD. lost all my shit when we found out tavi was from the moon.....also Doctor who music works perfectly with this story.....TO MANY SADS. You say you can't do emotions well. you can. But you use that false knoledge to hwlp your write its a nice trick, it should not be done a lot though...this is the second fic to make me cry. (I think we all know what the first was)one more thing...wait no two......I love the fact that tavs' has a voice inside her head i think its wonderful :D now on to the actual final thing. What WAS Octavia?

Well done!

You have no idea how amazing a piece you've written. not enough brohoofs can be given.

very well said.>>10151381015138

That was beautiful! Oh my Thor I loved this story. I cried more in this than I did for My Little Dashie. But it's the good kind of tears, the ones where you still have a smile. So much feelings!

goddamnit, i knew i shoudnt have read this

My Little Dashie didn't get me: it just made me annoyed.

This? I was fighting back tears. It is a masterpiece, so much so, that I came out of my slump and reviewed it. I hope it gets more attention, it is definitely worth it.

You may find the review here, and I hope it meets your standards.

what a beautiful story

There are no words. I want to tell you how great your story is, but whenever I think about it I get sad or start crying again. So my feels are going to have to do rather than objective thoughts.

>>808462808462  That...  Was simply beautiful.  It's all i can really manage with words...  Nothing else comes to mind when i think of it...  This story didn't just give me a feel...  It gave me multiple feels, simultaneous joy and sadness being at the forefront.  

At the beginning though, i originally thought The Nightmare was 'talking' to octavia, but that changed about halfway or two-thirds of the way through.

Only two stories have made me shed even a single tear, and this came very, very close.  One being My Little Dashie.  The second was this (warning, clopfic, and very feel-inducing).

That was so sad ... actually the only story I read that was more sad than this one was My little Dashie

That was well-written, you're very talented in showing feelings

Beautiful...

This story is so beautiful, yet hauntingly sad . I can tell that I will remember this one for a long time. Absolutely superb.

Th-this story is beautiful. I need a glass of water now.

This is so beautiful.  The emotion, the timing, everything was wonderfully done.  I'd say more, but I'm having the hardest time forming any sort of coherent thought after reading this.  Bravo, and thank you for this.

Fan fiction usually gives me teary eyes at most, but that end was just to baww, especially when Octavia got scared and when Luna looked at the sky at the end.

Well, you did it. You got a couple tears out of me. Congratulations, I guess.

Right in my feels, man. Right. In. My feels. You have a talent for mystery, I think, as I spent, right up to the reveal, intrigued by just what was happening.

And then was overjoyed that she wasn't some sort of vampire or succubus or something. I was not anticipating a moonbeam.

Bravi.

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ.

But really. That was lovely <3

>>11777291177729 Hah thank you

While I read this story, I was listening to music.

Amaryllis by Shinedown

I don't know if those two things were made for each other, but I will say, many manly tears were shed.

I love this story so much. Octavia and Luna are two of my favorite ponies, and you just made me love them even more.

Oh, god, here come the tears again...

HOLY FUCK, this story is DEEP. Just... FUCK.

That is all.

I listened to the audiobook version.  I'm glad I bought more Kleenex yesterday.

Wow... Just. I am crying right now and that was the third story to make me do so behind my little dashie and the things we leave behind.

I love this story so much and thank you for writing it.

>>14622361462236 Ah, thank you for reading it! Just a little secret, but The Things We Leave Behind actually helped inspire me to write this

>>14624071462407 the things we leave behind is a great story, now even greater now that I know that it is the reason this story was written

Wow.  This was such a worthwhile read.  I don't think I've read anything so original.  It's touching, tragic, and sad without being too dark.  Not to mention it's a refreshing new Octavia ship.  I'm out of more words to say, but just know that I truly adore and admire your writing.  Consider this one favorited!

...

I stopped reading this nearly on the end...

I know how this is going to turn out. I've shed enough tears as it with several stories but I made a promise to myself.

I will never shed tears on a Luna story, because I know my heart will never forget it... And I know it will hurt me bad...

EDIT: CELESTIADAMNIT! THE STORY IS TOO GOOD I READ IT ALL!  

My feels...i think they just got murdered by emotion...

How the fucking hell did you do that?

God damn...That was good. And fucking sad. GAHH!!! WHAT THE FALCK!!!

Truly a remarkable piece, thank you for sharing it!

>>19413491941349 Thanks for reading

>>19063951906395 Honestly, I have no idea

What sort of monster are you to string words together in such a way that it hurts, i wouldn't have it any other way though.

Seriously though this was amazing and i wish i had found it sooner, just have all of my feels already.

>>808462808462 it was beautiful. lovely. and I even cried a little.

And now my heart is broken... yet oddly enough I thank you. I thank you for all those tears at this, because it was so beautiful

And I find time in my busy schedule of Homework and cats and Far Cry 3 to listen to the audiobook. And I cry a li'l bit.

Truly beautiful, but you need to stop taking over the Favourite Stories box, okay?

I also like the way that you started half way through the story.