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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm guessing that after dealing with Tirek, Celestia will find out about Yang?
Wow that's a first, never would I see that the merchant would throw a displaced a bone like that. Well when an unexpected mess up like that happens, I guess he dose have a hart after all.
7784629 you never know the girls could cover it up
Well, time to put on my top hat
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get my chair ready
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and watch the beat down with some nice musical acomblement.
It's good to see that Yang is finally getting her ass in gear about kicking ass and taking names, but your execution leaves something to be desired...
The entire chapter was pervaded by a sense of lethargy from Yang's perspective (coming across as more of a slice of life piece than with the serious atmosphere that was implied), which continued through to the decision at the end and left things feeling a bit flat despite the serious nature. The interactions with other characters also came across as a bit apathetic, such as when Twilight comes to get Rarity. Such news would likely get a more... Robust, reaction from the Pony Queen of Ham, but the most we get to hint at the serious nature of the news was a "!" from Twilight and what basically amounted to "Alright I'm coming. Hold your Horses." from Rarity. I'm not really sure what could be done to make it better though, aside form re-evaluating how you portray the different characters and how Yang interacts with them.
I can't really say that your writing style is "Tell Heavy", because to imply that it was "Heavy" would be overstating it's nature, but neither is the amount of "Show" proportional enough to balance it out.
Just some C&C, take it how you will. Otherwise I'm still enjoying this.
7784812 You may want to hold off on the musical accompaniment. I'm not quite at that point in the story yet. Make of that what you will.
You have chosen you hat and seat well. All you need now is a pipe.
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7785046 Tell Heavy?
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He's a bit busy.
I know what you mean, and I'm not sure how to improve it either. I also haven't seen any MLP for a while, so that might explain a good amount of inconsistencies between the story and show characters.
7785138 uuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnn, but I already payed the band. There flying in from Austin.
Also smoking, I don't want bubble cancer.
7785230 Cryogenics and time travel are things. I've already set up a cryo chamber for the incoming band, and they're already on their way back to Austin as we speak.
7785296 uhm i'm pretty sure they can sue you for that.
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7785420 I counter your law office with a giant robot of my own design.
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7785475 Then he shall call his titan down on your robot
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7785605 It seems our robots are a match in terms of size, but how many weapons does yours have? 1? 2? 3? Mine has eight and requires no pilot. Sword, hammer, gun, flail, double drill gauntlets, drill spear, axe, and shield. More may come in the future as well.
7787115 um i don't think you got what i mean. I meant that he did a titanfall right on top of yours and smashed it. Like in the pick.
Heheheh Tyrek is about to get brutalized, and possibly go out with a Yang!
A!so what the frick is going on in these comments?
7853851 veeeeeery punny.....-_-
Just re reading this I wonder what would have been different if Sandra was in equestria?
10447667 Funny you should say that. There are a few How It Could Have Been chapters further on featuring Ruby, Miranda, Ally, and Sandra. They cover how each of them would have handled the different events of the story. The format is rather condensed, but it's still fun.