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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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7506386 Update's here.
This chapter feels a little rushed to me. You may want to revise it a bit, I like this story and want to see it at its best. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
... Really? I mean, really?
7507065 Yeah, I'm not entirely happy with it either, but I wasn't sure what I could do. If you have any ideas, I'm all metaphorical ears.
7507084 About what?
7507138 At the end, Yang just fainted. Wow, just, what the fuck?
7507150 Total pacifist and very peaceful guy before arrival in Equestria. If you were like that and then beat up a bunch of big, tough, armored enemies with no injuries or remaining pain to show for it, well, something like that would happen. I think.
What would you have done differently?
7507138 I'm not sure how much help I could be because I don't know your process. This chapter seems like it wasn't planned, more like it was meant to be the frame for the real one. It needs a bit more description, more detail. Not knowing your process makes most of the advice I could give beyond this useless, me being a novice writer. I write by planning the major plot points and working around how they fit together, tweaking the story bit by bit as I work forwards. It's not the best way to write as I tend to loose where I am, but it's what works best for me. experiment a little and find what works best for you.
7507262 ... You don't want to know. Trust me, it'll be much worse.
7507455 I actually use a similar process. I have ten big events planned out for the rest of the fic, the first of which should be here within five chapters (rough guesstimate there). I know how each event is related to the other ones, but crafting the words between and around them is the harder part.
7507572 Explosive punches, ensure they're all dead, then reassemble them into an indestructible punching bag, infusing their souls into it, and using it daily so they get hurt every single day for all time? I hope I'm close on that guess.
7507612 Um, hate to be a pain in the ass, but I can't read the censored part. I'm on my phone.
7507669 Just tap the censored part and it'll reveal itself. At least that's what happens on my phone (and tablet).
7507684 Not working. iPhone.
7507716 I have Android. Try copy/paste.
7507727 Okay, done. And how did you know I wanted something like that?
7507750 It sounded like something I wouldn't want to know, but I did imagine it.
7508126 Well, I could still do worse. But we'll it at that.
...
Eh.
7518614 I immediately started this when I saw a fight coming, and was disappointed that it didn't live up to the song.
Many fight scenes do not live up to I Burn.
It is hard to replicate or exceed the action of a RWBY fight accurately, I think this was pretty well done though.
Then again, Displaced Yang is a somewhat non confrontational person on Earth, yet they have the instincts and abilities of Yang. This should male for an interesting struggle mentally. Plus why in earth would the first fight of an until then untested fighter live up to the epic Ness of I Burn, or the Yellow Trailer of Yang in Season 1?
Awesome chapter I liked it.
Without reading anything, story or comments Let me predict how this may go:
Possible spoilers
He who is now a she (see what I did there ) seems to have bits of "Yang's" Mind, (or a close facsimile of it) I'm guessing she has Yang's fighting skill/instincts.
She also has her taste in clothing, along with some of her.. um.. "ingrained hygene practices". It's going to be both amusing and/or awkward, for all of us if/when she starts freaking out about her new biological cycle, (I'm trying to be clinical here so I don't get boo'ed off the metaphorical stage. Please don't... )
Anyway.. back on track, I'm going to guess: she goes in, goes into instinctive battle mode, kicks ass\turns them to all to mush/red mist via melee or shells, snaps out of it, then goes into shock. Won't blame the guy. Anyway, going to read now.
Edit: Close enough..
why act ike such a crybaby over a simple fight? just curios
8367654 When someone who is, by nature, very nonviolent and timid, thrown into a berserker rage out of their control and can't do anything but watch as they beat up whoever's in their way, yeah, that's going to do something to the psyche.
All of the chapters so far are good, but they need a bit more meat to them, more descriptions and better transitions. There's not enough stuff explained here, and you tell more than show, but even that is somewhat minimal. Really, this just needs more bulk, something to make it seem less... Well, forgive me for saying this so bluntly and rudely, but it needs something to make it less bland. It's still a good read, but nothing has put me on the edge of my seat or anything close to that. There's no excitement or thrill or even much of a laugh to be had. It feels like I'm just walking around in complete boredom, doing stuff because it's all I can think of doing. That's what this story feels like to me.
8994630 I do appreciate the opinion, as you explained it fairly well. Now, what I'd like to know is how to change that. How can I fix those shortcomings?
Wouldn't that have been a job for the royal guard instead of untrained and usually unarmed citizens?
9015270 Could the same be said for Twilight and company going into the Everfree to fight Nightmare Moon? A scholar, fashionista, animal talker, athlete, farmer, and party planner are about as far from combatants as you can get.
The way I see it, Equestria has a long history of non-guards doing things you'd think the guard would do.
Come at me, and you'll see. I'm more than meets the eyyyye~