kalash93
Joined 18th Dec, 2012 ·
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*looks at the word count*
gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/06/satan-burn-gif.gif?gs=a
10/10 worth going to hell for.
Flutter Rutter
Truffle Butter
Therefore, 11/Banana Pudding
Is that word counter intentional or a really bizarre coincidence?
Okay, the chapter was hot as hell, especially the sex scene between Zephyr and Shy, but why is Zecora one of the tags?
Why is there a zecora tag she's not even in the story
Phew, that certainly got a bit... heated.
Although... you might want to consider contacting a proofreader (I would be happy to help), since I also saw a lot of mistakes in the story, as well as some missing punctuation.
Wrong on many levels.
And there are a lot of levels.
I'm on the final boss.
7363774
7363786
I accidentally clicked on her. Thanks for telling me so I could remove it.
7363722
Half each way. It got up to like 6K something. I just edged it up by a few dozen to make it work.
we need more zephyr breeze with other ponies not many right now and i am surprised i expected at least 10 fics of him already
This story was so good I came twice in my re-purposed Fluttershy doll. I had to microwave my waifu a few times to get full immersion, but you have to stop it once it smells like burning plastic or the fuzz inside starts to melt and burns ur penis.
7364843 jesus. just... wow.
...where can i get one?
Crapton of errors, but enjoyable.
I can't help but feel that this could be a lot better. Not even counting the grammatical and punctuation errors here and there, the prose itself seems to have no personality besides "mindlessly horny" which makes Zephyr's breakdown seem completely empty. Honestly I don't even think this story needed a scene like that in the first place when it doesn't really delve into their emotions much farther than their horniness in the first place. Plus it feels as though you focus a little to much on bland, tedious details that lessen the effect of the more meaningful details they crowd around. When you're writing sex scenes, it's a careful balance of getting the point of it across quickly and concisely while still giving it that perfect amount of erotic detail that hits the right spot.
Overall you probably could have written an even hotter story at about 50-75% of this size. Try to figure out the details you need and which you don't and you'll do great.
7365120
Thanks for the feedback. I'm out of practice. I didn't write anything for close to 9 months and this was the first fic I felt the least bit of my old rhythm in while I was writing it. My style is based in a way on being cinematic. I want to create a very tight image of what is going on. I think in pictures and that is what I try to convey. I didn't know I'd left so many errors, though, but this fic was the result of a roughly 9 hour slog that finished early in the morning. The first plot I came up with was to make Fluttershy seem more cruel, wherein she has a dom relationship with Zephyr, wherein she makes him her sex slave in exchange for lodging him. When I couldn't work that out, I got what I currently have. I'm honestly a sucker for sweet and vanilla. Your final analysis, that I could have quite possibly cut a full half of it for a story just as hot or hotter makes me think, how would you like to work with me in the future?
7363811
And you, Koekelbag, how'd you like to help me in the future, too?
6,666 words. Coincidence? I think not.
7365339 I would simple do some proofreading, pointing out where I saw grammatical errors, and give suggestions on how to fix them. If you're going to work with someone else on the actual content, I'm fine with only working on how the story looks, although I can also give commentary on story-parts if asked.
That is, if you want me to, of course.
7364843 I can't stop laughing
7364843... Que pedo wey
There are a lot of typos involving quotations
7365401
Alright. I shall turn this fic into a GDoc and give you a link with editing and commenting privileges via PM. Thanks. :)
Other than the typo's here and there, this story uh...
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/T_gzxZZuQEc/sddefault.jpg
Again, дурачок мой, I would have edited for you if you had just asked.
You should do another one like this but with others in the mane six.
7363674 Flutter Better Nutter
The story was very hot but desperately in need of a good editor.
7365432 fancy meeting you here...
Initially read this for the word count only. Sadly, I can't convince myself to really like this. The typos are not the main problem, but I feel like Fluttershy is too OOC. But hey, that's just my opinion.
6,66 of 10 gusta points for this.
7496575 Don't call her OOC so quickly. After all, it's always the quiet ones that are the horniest.
That story picture just gave me an erection that needs tending to
i.imgsafe.org/6e30ba9a32.jpg
7860798
More powerplay cumming right up!
Have you ever considered doing a sequel for this?
Please add a Zephyr Breeze character tag.
8068521
Will do. There wasn't one at the time, bratan.
8069030 I know.
8069327
Thanks for the heads up.
This is honestly my all time favorite clopfic. It is the most arousing, and gets me every time. GG
I barely even noticed the typos btw.
Hey. What happened to the work count? It used to say 6,666 and now says 6,222.
Amazing. <3