Hi, Jack Trades here, and I never really had any friends. However that changes one day when a group of girls introduces me to-"Pinkie do I really have to say it? Fine."-the magic of friendshiiipppp!
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- Member Since 10th Feb, 2016
- offline last seen Jan 14th, 2017
Rainbowshy34
Hi! I'm a guy who spends waaayyyyy, too much time on the Internet, either on YouTube or Fimfiction. I also sometimes stay up until 6 am reading fanfics!... I drink a lot of coffee.
Rainbowshy34
Joined 10th Feb, 2016 ·
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I think that it's gonna be good, though kinda rushing a bit, but I'm not complaining.
Alright, let's see what we've got here:
What? He's just gonna go with it? You're telling me that there's nothing that would make him at least a little bit homesick? This absolutely feels like a cop-out to me. It's a pet peeve with me that just because the reader would like to live in a world where Canterlot High could exist, along with the girls there, that his character will want to as well despite being yanked from the place he'd lived for his entire life so far. Suspension of disbelief is crucial when writing fiction, and this one bit of dialogue isn't helping that. I'd go and make his reaction way more dramatic and believable.
Because your OC can't be a red and black alicorn in this world, right? As soon as the colors 'red' and 'black' are mentioned in the same sentence on this site, it tends to rustle a lot of jimmies. I'd change the color choices, just to be on the safe side.
I get that you're trying to be funny but never do it at the expense of immersion. Then it just feels self-serving.
Think I'll go play me some GTC - Grand Theft Canterlot.
The key to running a successful criminal enterprise is subtlety. Why would they have tanks available for purchase in the middle of a city? I get that you're trying to convey badassery but you've got to tone as few things down if you want your story to be taken seriously.
Everything was just way too convenient. All of this could've at the very least been compressed into a single chapter, which it should have. Now, if you really wanted to improve your story, throw in enough actions and detail to make each chapter at least 2,000-4,000 words. Seriously though, you're making everything way too easy for your protagonist, which is a common mistake among new writers. The point is to give him a series of obstacles to overcome so he can grow as a character, which will also make your readers care about him. So far, you've made everything too easy and too convenient for him (mostly because you're RUSHING. Stop it.). Why not make him get everything the hard way? It would be way more interesting than what you have now.
Okay, you really need to slow down and watch your writing. I've found errors all over the place, errors that any spellcheck would detect. I suggest using a proper word processor and reading through what you have before publishing it. That or find someone who can help edit for you.
The real issue is that you haven't done anything to make your story engaging or your protagonist interesting. This kind of thing has been done so much that it's really difficult to make stories like this truly interesting. Your protagonist is also very...cookie-cutter. He doesn't possess any traits that differentiate him from the many other similar protagonists in similar situations. To be honest, I'd continue this one but in private as practice. Try something new and different for your next one and I'm sure you'll like the results.
I know it's hard to accept criticism but it's part of the journey of becoming a writer. Sometimes, you just have to take a deep breath and accept the lumps. I decided to check this out in the hopes that I could offer some insights, and I sincerely hope I have. Keep writing, don't give up, and have a good evening.