Just a smalltown mare with a love for artwork and stories.
One evening, while in Canterlot to visit her former teacher, Twilight asks Celestia why Princess Luna is rarely ever seen at the castle.
And for the first time, Celestia tells the truth on the matter.
For the record, please know that this was NOT intended as another Celestia bashfic! I like Celestia! This is a story about one version of how I figured she might feel about herself!
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Hmm. Into my read later you go. Looks interesting but the description is making me not want to read it.
Tidbits:
1. Space the lines out.
2. Add some more to the first sentence. When does this story take place? At night [from your coverart I have to assume that]? Why is Twilight asking this?
3. Remove the "and where she goes". Unnecessary.
So yeah, give me some context. Don't be afraid to give us more in the description. Otherwise this looks like a generic sadfic with nothing to gain (I don't know that but with the current description, it looks like it).
Princess Douchelestia, subset of Tyrantlestia. Rare sight, that.
7324295
I don't personally think I would want too much more in the description, as I myself don't like the wordy kind that gives away too many story details. I find stories less entertaining to read if I already know most of what happens. I'd rather let the story speak for itself in that matter.
But, I'll what I can do that is more appealing to the reader, I may add a little bit more than I just did. Make some more suggestions if you like (though it may help if you read it), I guess I'm not very good at story descriptions. I also removed the thing you recommended, I liked it well enough as I thought it was a relevant tidbit, but I guess I understand that it could be seen as unnecessary to those who haven't read it yet.
7324347
Actually, the fix that you just made is much better than what you had. It supplies a bit more context and setting than the last one. I just thought of this after I commented on your story, but you could even add what time this story takes place (what event in canon can this story connect to? Season 1? Season 6?). It's just the minor details that bring out the story, not the actual purpose itself.
Oh and:
A reader's comment is merely advice, not a demand. Although my comment might be received well by you or by others, many other people could disagree. But yeah, the reason why I said to space it is because double-spacing your lines makes it easier on the eyes for late night readers. Not to mention that it looks cleaner than single-spaced.
I also said the bit was unnecessary because it appeared redundant to mention it when you already said Twilight was asking where Luna was (just in a different way).
I'll give this one a whirl when I'm not rushing to finish a paper. :D
7324328
Aww, I don't think Celestia is so bad really. I just think that maybe in her youth she was a lot more deviate and rotten because she was essentially infected by the same attitude problem many celebrities get when they come to fame. It just never ends well for family.
7324369
I had actually considered that, but it felt weird to basically add a line in that summed up its happening sometime after Twilight's ascension, but before the tantabus ordeal. Or at least I wasn't sure how best to portray that.
I guess I tend to take constructive comments fairly seriously. Maybe overly so, lol. I'm always trying to improve the way I write and portray my work, and am almost always starving for feedback on what people liked/disliked or what I could do better or what was just right.
It's not a super long read, so I'd be thrilled if you read it when you get the chance. Even if you end up hating it, I'd love to hear that and why. Good luck on your paper, by the way! And thanks for the feedback you've already given!
7324389
I'm glad you look at constructive comments as you do! Detail is great to pay attention to. Just don't overdo it. There's a fine line between quality and overly-exerting one's writing hand to create a cesspool of words.
Oh and since you answered politely, I'll give you a very in-depth analysis when I get the chance. I don't do it often, but when an author shares kindness and a bit of sass, I deliver a nice care package to help them out with his or her's writing. Heck, if the author's stories are good, I tend to shout them out. It's a rarity though, so we'll see if you make the cut.
Now where did I put that mitochondrion...
Read it and I'm a bit on the fence on this one. I want to like it, but there's not really enough there for me to grasp onto. I'll go in-depth on this when I give you this analysis. Too tired to write one up now.
7324438
Bummer that it didn't grab out to you, but even I can admit that it wasn't exactly written as a thrill ride or anything. I looked at it with fresh eyes this morning as well, and I too honestly felt it fall flat. Because even though she's crying and stuff, I didn't feel anything for her. But I wasn't really expecting much to begin with, and I'm surprised to find that it's already had more views that I thought it would have in a year.
And so as for its sad rating? I'm still not so sure it fits, but I don't know what would fit better. I think it was more like watching someone fall apart a little bit from their usual poise, before collecting themsself again before things really got deep enough to make the reader truly feel for her. She glazed over the surface of what happened without enough detail on the things she spoke of, kind of like someone who still has secrets to hide. But I'm not really the best at portraying a deceptive personality like that.
I was hoping to write it in a way where at least briefly, she spoke honestly about she might have felt about herself, rather than how the reader, or Twilight, felt on the situation. So I hope it didn't come off as just another Celestia Bashfic, because I didn't want to portray the usual, unapologetic tyrantlestia that so many people seem to eat up, but rather the over-calculated adult that grows up from the kid who made a really big, awful mistake.
These of course are ideas I hadn't really toyed with before in writing, it was actually an unedited one shot story that I'd uploaded because I figured why not? I'd actually put enough effort in to write it. It's the first story I've written that actually focuses on canon characters too, so I'm curious to hear if I was capable of capturing their mannerisms if nothing else.
7324372 Exactly. A douchebag. If she wants her Lulu back, she has some apologizing to do.
7324372 And now...I need to know what comes next. Something like that has been sitting inside Celestia AND Luna for at least a year going by the cannon Time line, and that's not even going into how much further she'd LET this sit. To me, this one-shot needs a sequel to resolve things with Luna, for better or worse. Frankly, the way Luna returned and the words Celestia said to her, taken into context of this...I think Luna NEEDS this...more so if we take into account the Tantibus. If that's happened already, or if not then it WOULD be the catalyst to finally bring that conversation forward...for Luna's own mental health it would be absolutely necessary. I implore you to consider it, and if you need help or someone to bounce ideas off of, send me a PM, I'm up for it.
I just feel, after reading this, it is something that should be done. But I leave it up to you.
Good work, and I wish you the best in your endeavors.
Hmm. Personally I think this story would have been more effective if Celestia hadn't been so blatant a tyrant and Luna so helpless a victim. It reached a point of feeling like a bashfic, whereas lessening the severity of Celestia's transgressions or removing at least some of the malice involved would have engaged me more.
7326494
Yeah, I reread it this morning and had the same thoughts honestly.
I had wanted to write it in a way where it all was explained in a manner more befitting of how Celestia may have felt about herself rather than how we, Twilight, or possibly even Luna felt about her and what happened. But I've never written a character in that way before, least of all while attempting to keep it grounded in the thoughts that others may not agree with her, so this story certainly didn't quite hit the mark I was hoping it would. Not nearly. It was hard for me to try and hit the marks that would make the reader feel for both Luna and Celestia without just going into what felt like a bashfic, which was and is the opposite of my intentions.
7326415
I had seriously put thought into making a sequel part to this featuring that idea when I first wrote this story, but I'm honestly not so certain that I will, at least not as an add-on or chapter to this story exactly. I kind of like the idea of letting the reader find that answer for themselves, but maybe it's something I'll end up doing sometime in the future.
I am actually also working on a story that will go into Luna's feelings and perspectives since her return if you think you may be interested in that, but that won't likely be done for some time yet. I could put a little more effort into working on it, but no guarantees there as I tend to only feel like writing when the inspiration for the story is really flowing for me, lol.
7326626
Eh, at least you're working on it. For Luna, that would be something I'd be eager to read, about her take on all this. Moreover, however, if the thought to make a new one-shot fic about Celestia finally going to Luna about this topic happens...well I'd be very happy. Regardless, this was a great fic, I say again, and I thank you for the hard work and wish you well on future projects.
You know... it's interesting this perspective... maybe Celestia is still going through her crucible and is still going through a penance she has set herself since Luna's banishment and return (something similar to the Tantabus of Luna... wonder if Celestia knows of that in this story).
7327561
Precisely. You are 100% correct on that assumption. But I'll tell you that this story takes place after Twilight's ascendance and defeat of Tirek, but just before the Tantabus incident. So when the Tantabus makes its appearance, and Celestia hears of it, I assume she understands the reasonings behind it better than Luna may initially believe.
I'd just like to point out that the way Celestia acted in the story is far beyond "a kind of a mean streak."
The story gave me something to think about, so I consider it a success.
Wow... I'm amazed. I wasn't expecting too much but I was proven wrong yet again. Now I MUST read the sequels immediately!
I'm guessing these were the one shots ur were talking about and i don't see it as a bash on Celestia I think it gives her the depth she needs and shes apologitic about it. If she wasn't sorry then it'd be awful thing but I think u did a great job potraying her. As one of my favorite songs go "how can I be old and wise if I'm never young and wild" well idk if those are the exact words but ya get the jist. But it is a good story and ya it is in need of editing lolz but still a good story
This story brought a tear to my eye...........good job
7872174
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
Seems we have the same headcanon
While I enjoyed this story quite a bit, I'm going to have to agree to a lot of what was pointed out by others. The change in perspective was interesting, and to be honest, I've never once had such an idea as this. I've always pinned the blame on both of them; Luna being the lesser, jealous sister, and Celestia simply being busy and never paying her heed.
The way this played out did feel a lot like a bash fic, which isn't good when its not meant to be. What would have helped is if Twilight had a little more time to speak.
However, the writing itself was very enjoyable. You did a good job of telling a story through a character telling a story. I felt myself imagining her speaking, yet I too could imagine what she spoke of. On a technical level, this was well done, but there were quite a few places that felt... rough around the edges?
I'm pleased I actually sat down and read this little fic. I'm going to read its sequel.
Such an incredibly amazing story! I just loved it. Great work!!! 🎉
Hey there! I did a reading of your story! I hope you enjoy it!