Ponyville is a lovely little place. Despite its loveliness, I have always been rather lonely.
That is, until you moved to town.
I think this could be the start of something beautiful, don't you?
"A[n] effectively chilling piece."- Horse Voice
.. wha? – Luzz
Well, that started off weird, then got creepy and then...I approve. - Admiral Biscuit
A bit unsettling, sure, but too vague for me. – Spectral
This was decent. It could have been more subtle/mysterious in places to make it creepier. - jeray2000
Splendid story. Came here on a recommendation and certainly wasn't disappointed. – Orbiting Kettle
I really loved this. It got way darker than I was expecting. Loved the slow buildup. When I finally realized who it was about, my heart sunk. - Protopony350
If you are easily disturbed by your inconsolable fear of the unknown, do yourself a favor, and run as fast as you can.
"A Story about You" is a literary device from Welcome to Night Vale. It is not mine, this literary device. It is theirs. You don't need to be familiar with them, to become familiar with this. Find them by doing a quick search of the terrifyingly vast void we call the internet.
Edited by Horse Voice, and Super Trampoline
.. wha?
A Story About You
It's not quite as darkly ironic and self-aware as Night Vale is, but it's pretty good all the same.
This guy did a pretty good job of meshing the two if you're looking for some tips.
Hmm... this isn't about me. I'd be looking at memes. Still, 8/8.
7328679
Like Nightvale, this tale was never supposed to be.
Well that started off weird then got creepy and then ...
I approve. Have a fave and a green thumb.
Also I don't think you need the second person tag, but I'm not 100% sure.
7329000
Thanks so much! I figured that Id leave the tag on just to be safe.
I can say with certainty (but IANAMod, so take with a grain of salt) that the 2nd Person tag is not needed. This isn't a second-person story. This is a first-person story. You can tell because it's told from the viewpoint of "I" rather than "you".
Good story, by the way. I'm creeped out, and I think that was the idea.
A bit unsettling, sure, but too vague for me - I didn't really understand it. Reminds me about Enduring Love, though.
pegasi
You also have some weird usages of commas sprinkled throughout.
Spike's with the Erica's now ;_;
I really loved this. It got way darker than I was expecting. Loved the slow buildup. When I finally realized who it was about, my heart sunk.
Looking forward to more from you.
This was decent. It could have been more subtle/mysterious in place to make it creepier. Like, if it was less clear what the gifts were being made out of.
Is the narrator someone we should recognize?
The rest, well, yes. Much Nightvallian.
Favorited by the end of the second section. I don't usually go for the darker things, but the way you presented the
narratorstalker drew me in. She just wants to be loved; to be acknowledged and accepted by the Princess of Friendship. Is that too much to ask?The only criticism I have is to agree with 7330761. Comma usage is worth reviewing.
Very enjoyable story. Please write more!
Should this be us?
Should this not be look?
Otherwise, ooo this was good.
Splendid story. Came here on a recommendation and certainly wasn't disappointed.
I'm afraid I don't get the crossover part.
7333284
The description holds the answers to life, the universe, and everything else.
7333016
thanks for catching that!
7330761
7331791 great example of how different horses prefer different courses, and that's great, because life would be boring if we all liked the same stuff.
So the narrator seems to be a cross between a Librarian and The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, and yet I still read it in Cecil's voice. Awesome and disturbing at the same time
And as always, Good Night Ponyville...Good Night...
For those that don't know what the title is referencing.
But it really doesn't need the crossover tag. I could reason it out if the narrator spoke about the events in the omnipresent was that Cecil did in the video above, but the stalker doesn't do that. I was contemplating adding it to the Night Vale group, but I don't quite see a good enough link between this and Night Vale.
I liked it. The horror was diminished a bit when the stalker apparently killed all of town because he/she was portrayed as just a regular pony. Doing that takes a level of skill that I don't see a singular pony capable of doing, especially in I believe a single night because the object of her affection didn't know what happened until it was too late. As is, there doesn't appear to be anything she's not capable of.
That's why most of the followups to Jeff the Killer are, to be frank and use some less reputable terminology, utter crap. When a horror or creepypasta involves a regular person doing the deed, the horror comes from one of two things generally: them seeing something terrible that they can perform and doing it anyway (thus completing the fall from grace trope and showing that people are terrible because they choose to be terrible), and two, because there is a clear limit and definition to what they can and cannot do. Jeff writers tend to portray him as some kind of unstoppable waifu, forgetting that her roots were him just being a regular kid.
The stalker being capable of killing everyone at anytime lessons the horror a little because there was no indication of extranormal abilities, and showing something like that took me out of the story a little. Not too much, but enough to warrant saying something about it.
But in the end I still like it. Fun story.
7334127
Those things? I wonder why they would be significant if one little pony killed all of ponyville
I wonder why the author chose to include them, hmmmmm?
7334217
No idea, considering they were spoken of in abstracts through a biased narrator.
7334363
I mean yeah.
Your thoughts and criticisms remain appreciated
I get the feeling I'm missing a fair portion of the subtext, but this was still enjoyably haunting. Thank you for it.
3spooky5me.
But seriously, I enjoyed this. A bit vauge on who the friends are, though.
A very effective piece of atmospheric horror. I will just note that the way the narrator is never really established as either physical or ethereal didn't really work for me. Also, Twilight feels way too passive here, almost like a non-actor.
HOLY SHIT CRISPY THIS IS AMAZING, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WROTE, YOU WERE LIKE ONE OF THE COOLEST PEOPLE I MET AT A CON THIS YEAR
Brilliant! Inspired!
Bravo!
So he became a yandere?
Hmmmm. I couldnt help read this in Ceicls voice.
I've never seen an author's note so utterly disturbing. c.c
I know the author hasn't been here for years, but nevertheless I reviewed this recently. Quite effectively creepy, with a suitably disconcerting Author's Note. Perhaps too vague for my preference, though. Still, upvoted!