CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN
The Northern wastes, a place once believed to be completely void of life aside from ghouls in what used to be the Crystal Empire and the frost Mirelurks who live in the frigid waters of the frozen sea. So it might come to a surprise to learn there is a Stable located here, very few knew of it’s existence until the Outcast and the Forgotten Knights made themselves known to the Equestrian wasteland.
Before that, the Stable laid there buried under the snow with only two living inhabitants both in cryogenic sleep. These two are about to play a major role in the future of the ponies in the Equestrian wastesland.
PART ONE of my Eternal series of stories
This story is in dire need of an editor so if you're interested send me a message okay.
Removed the Fallout Equestria in the Title since this story has little to do with the original so sorry in advance
set 200 years after the Day of Sunshine and Rainbows
Okay i have noticed a lot of dislikes but no one has told me why they dislike it, is it Seven or is it the past bits with twilight acting like a mad scientist or is it the fact no one actually read the story and disliked it becuase it wasn't like the original
7329415
FO:E stories usually just gets dislikes from trolls, just ignored it.
7330129
Okay thats good to know
Huh... I think I'm gonna comment on this fic when I get home from work.
The following text is rated "S" for "Sarcasm".
Don't be offended, please, it's just my natural reaction when I see some (il)logical leaps like these.
>“You better hope this works Twilight the Equestrian Army can’t hold off the advancing Zebra troops for much longer,
I think you're out of corn flakes, 'cause you've ate up all the commas. It's fine, all of us got our weird habits.
also:
Oh, yeah, I know it will work says Twilight that was working on the alicorn project approximately at the same time. Why did she even need RD on the site of operation? She's an egghead, and RD is one of the top fighters that should be doing stuff... well, I guess she could be here, but it still looks a bit weird to me.
>my conscience faded the last thing I heard. “Subject is deceased Moond…” with that I lost consciousness.
That "Subject is deceased" is kinda illogical since even in some kind of research facility there is supposed to be medical equipment, probably advanced one. Thus, the subject is supposed to be revived and there wasn't even a try of doing such a thing. Why?
>“Interesting subject Seven seems to still be alive and seems unaffected by the extreme radiation exposure she was subjected to, It seems the serum seems to have modified her body to be nearly immune to radiation, interesting
So, nearly immune or immune? Seems or unaffected? Aren't they supposed to study it, measure the rads and stuff before making further conclusions?
Also: Interesting-interesting. It's called tautology, I believe.
>Moondancer write down that the serum can make a pony resistant to radiation.
Uh-huh. How many unsuccessful subjects were here before? You're gonna need a series of experiments and only when you develop a constant result you sould make such conclusions...
>the next two years I was subjected to horrible tests that would have killed a normal pony,
How did he measured time? If he blacked out and had no ability to check up on calendar or something he would not even know it blackouts could've lasted for days.
>When my vision returned I was running down a hallway I didn’t know how I got here and why I was running but I didn’t stop till I saw a room, I quickly entered it and slammed the door shut I turned around and saw I was in a locker room. I looked around until I located a mirror which is odd since it was a locker room, I quickly looked in the mirror to see what I look like to see if those experiments made me look any different but to my surprise I still looked the same.
I.I.I.I-I-I-I... too much of it even for English language.
>a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane she was wearing a soldier’s uniform upon seeing me she tried to fire her rifle but I was on her before she could pull the trigger.
So, he managed to startle a RD, one of the top fighters in the whole pegasi race? Riiight... nice reflexes.
>I was about to give up when I heard gunshots then an ungodly scream followed by the door to the freezer opening and a dark purple mare in a red jumpsuit with a silver mane who used her magic to pulled me out of my cold cell. “Hey Number seven are you okay?”
Hey, dude, I know we haven't seen eye to eye since four hundred years have passed and you're some kind of freakish moster that's supposed to be in the contamination chamber but I wanted to check up on you 'cause you're nice.
...really? Unless she's got a weird kink it's strange. Or maybe she's got a deathwish, that I could understand.
>“Yeah and when I came to your hooves were surrounded by green magic that was shaped like dragon claws which you used to tear that crab creature in half, I heard that they used you as a test subject but I thought that was a myth,” The mare said as she tied her long silver mane into a ponytail, ”Oh yeah my name is Fix It the mechanic of that instillation we just escaped nice to meet you can you tell me your name so I can stop calling you Number 7.”
Oh, yeah, I thought you're just a pony they've been experimenting on for several years and it seems you're nice and stuff and even if I am supposed to be scared shitless because you're changeling ot just weird and you've got blackouts I will not.
...jeez, I think that mare a couple of apples short of bushel. That could explain it.
>“My name is Seven it is the only thing i was ever called,” I said with a content smile.
“Seriously you were never given a new name by the Forgotten Knights, that's a rip they usually rename their Knights,” Fix It said then she put her hoof to her chin then she exclaimed, "I got it! You will be called Green Claws!”
“No I like Seven it is the name I have had for years.”
'cause, you know, I'm a masochist and I've been tortured for years and I kinda got addicted to that name and all of the memories it brings every time I hear it. PTSD is an unknown thing here, yes? Also, I'm so smart and in lack of fucks that I will not even ask you what those Furgotten Knights are and you will not tell me, 'cause, you know, I'm the test subkect and I'm supposed to know EVERYTHING.
>“Okay fine now can you answer my question about what happened down there?”
'cause, you know, I found you in a freezer and you're totally supposed to know what the hell is happened here even if I'm a technician and I could've at least try to hack a terminal or something!
Ironically, overall I find the quality of text rather nice, it's smooth, ad if one will remove logical errors that seems even fine.
BUT! The main hero with amnesia(okay), victim of the secret project(all right) that got better reflexes than fastest pony in Equestria(err...) aand managed to rip apart some mutated crab with his BEAR HANDS(or, well, dragon claws, duh).
For now both of heroes seems rather forced and illogical, sometimes even dumb. I don't want an edgy story about "CRAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIN" of course, but... they're both bland. Like porridge that managed to turn itself into two ponies. I would've called the mane character Mary Sue, but MS are stories, not characters. At the current moment I'm gonna withold my judgement and gonna wait for the next chapter.
7331105
Thank you so much for your input and I find what you said to be helpful. now I will explain some things.
Twilight begins the Alicorn project shortly after this project fails. the Rd here is also called the pegasus with a bad attitude in the story and is the one who said the Chrysalis bit so this RD is not really RD. but I do understand that this is not obvious
also the Alicorn Project becomes important later
that I understand
Seven has her eyes closed so the mentioning of equipment with out them being mentioned in sentences will make no sense, but the way I wrote that scene does make next to no sense.
This is an observation of effects the experiments have on the subjects, this is but one of like thirty subjects.
Seven learned this when she joined the Forgotten Knights, but I realize know I should've added a scene to explain how she knew this.
Fix it was in a thing similar to what Seven was found in. Fix It isn't completely there which is a point I try to make with her simply trusting Seven and doesn't seems to be phased by what she can do.
her name is still seven because she disliked the name Fix It came up with. As for the Forgotten Knights I was planning on explaining them in the next chapter because it is mostly them walking toward the Crystal Empire.(I also forgot about them I was really tired when I wrote that section}
She isn't the most logical of ponies and simply didn't try to hack a terminal that she had the password for to begin with.
thank you I think.
the main hero doesn't have complete amnesia just some blank spots she doesn't remember fully. She doesn't have faster reflexes from the experiment she is naturally almost the same speed as Rainbow but Rainbow is still faster and was only caught off guard. now the claws thing it these are made entirely out of magic and said magic is actually one of the main conflicts of the story.
I can see how it is that these two seemed forced, illogical, and even dumb but this is the first chapter and I will admit the character of Fix It was made out of thin air and I am experimenting with her, as for Seven she does have some issues and is very far from perfect as her memories start come back in their entirety .
as for an edgey story I am still not sure if it will be or not.
Got it.
(damn, I completely forgot the quote tag)
He/She could feel the cold of metal, hear the clicking of Graves counter(I call standalone radmeter by that name) and stuff like that. Ponies have FIVE senses and Sight is only one of them.
I'd still rephrase it somehow, make it sound more...scienc-y.
That's be a good idea.
She could make up her own. Also, it's a she, huh... shipping intensifies!)
Absent-minded, huh...
Oh, right, that was not a Sarcasm, if you wondered. I've seen a lot worse. The flow of text is nice but it feels kinda forced... I'd add a little bit more on descriptions or something, I think. Everything happens too fast and there are not enough words for the proper chapter as I see it. I will not criticise this style of writing, though.
Ah, I understand, blackouts of sorts. Being that fast, though... it does not seems really nice for now since we have not seen her weak sides.
We will see.
If you want you could PM me for, I dunno, some questions or opinions. I may not be available as a prereader(maybe), but, at the same time, I think I could give some word of advice if it suits you.
7331760
If you don't mind doing that for me that would be great I really need some help so I can make the story better and to get some advice would be helpful.
She eventually does change her name
I don't. I will not promise, though, that will answer right away. If you have and are willing maybe we could share other contact information for an online chat, skype, discord, whatever. Or we could just use the PM, whatever floats your boat.
I think you have a good foundation for a story here, but there are some grammar issues that threw me off as a reader. Fix them and you should be good to go.
7334095
Thanks will get to work on that soon
7329415 I have similar problems with my stories. What I tell myself is if they can't be bothered to say why they disliked than they aren't worth the time it would take to worry about it.
7374567
I guess your right about that.
7374583
one part is already in the description
The Northern wastes a place once believed to be completely void of life aside from ghouls in what used to be the Crystal Empire and the frost Mirelurks who live in the frigid waters of the frozen sea.
not well structured sentence, you should rewrite that. ima give an example.
The Norther wastes. A place which used to be the glamorous Crystal Empire, now void of life aside from infestations of ghouls and frost Mirelurks who live in the frigid waters of the frozen sea.
very few knew of it’s existence until the Outcast and the Forgotten Knights made themselves known to the Equestrian wasteland.
Before that, the Stable laid there buried under the snow with only two living inhabitants both in cryogenic sleep.
(needs a rewrite, from this sentence i would have first believed that the "Outcasts and the forgotten Knights" came out of the stable. So... did they break in? did they discover the stable? are those two factions or just one?
Since your story isn´t too long, i could give it a proofreading in the next week if you wanna. Don´t expect miracles, I´m new in the reviewing thing and english isn´t my first language, but i can certainly give you some pointers.
7816985
Alright will edit it soon.
Okay this one I will edit soon. The Forgotten Knights are the existing faction within the "Stable" As for the Outcasts they come in later but neither come from the "stable".
7817010
how is there a faction in a stable with only two frozen ponies?
7817011
It is from way before the great war The Forgotten Knights Built the "Stable" And the inhabitants are members of the forgotten Knights
7817022
I wouldnt call two ponies a faction, really...
on another note, do you want that review? cause im drunk right now and i might not offer it anymore once i sober up
What's with the big, bold, capitalized title?
7817028
The review would be appreciated.
Also there are more than two members of the forgotten Knight faction there are Thirty-One.
7817040
Where?
7817041
alright, first thing to note, and i didnt even read the story, you don´t use commas alot, do you? Second, if you don´t already do that, write your chapters in Google Docs first and then import that into fimfiction. One has a spellcheck. one doesn´t. Even your english is good, you still better have a spellcheck.
7817040
Oh never mind I realized what you were talking about.
I will admit I kind of had the caps lock on when I typed it
7817053
I do use G-docs I also know I do not use commas a lot and I am working on it
Hey I really like to know what everyone thinks of the story so far
Well we finally reached the end of part one and Frankly I'm done with it for now until I can figure out a way to tell the true story I wished to make when I started. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it and I will see you in the next story.
Yay five hundred veiws awsome
Hey there! I am doing a bit of clean up in the Fallout Equestria groups at the moment.
I can see that your story are lacking the classical "Fallout Equestria" in the start of the title, and your explanation as such with how your story dosn't have much to do with the original verse, so your story have sadly been removed from the groups
9099258
Ok i understand what u mean and thank u for being polite about it.