I give folk what they want, nothing more. And that just happens to be poorly thought out Fanfics with bad updating schedules
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In the crazed aftermath of Discord's escape, a young zebra and diamond dog are found on death's doorstep outside of Ponyville. Taken by their adoptive guardian, the duo attempts to acclimate to town to the best of their abilities all the while hiding a fairly big secret.
A collaboration between myself and Greycait . Give him praise for this as well.
Now edited by Celefin. Go read his stuff as well!
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Behold, I have come to secure an early post.
7425700
Congratulations, you get....
But platonic hugs
Is there a reason chapter 2 and 3 are the same?....but i like the story so far kudos
7425741
CRAP! Second chapter is fixed now
Okay, I have to admit, that scene at night alone made me want to upvote immediately. It's a dang interesting (and uncommon) way to introduce the story.
7425830
Yeah, we decided to do something different than just Discord did it
in fact, accidentally pissing off an old god was an idea we had before but never implemented
Hmmm, kay, reading further, and I'm still interested. That's good. The odd ideas are rather refreshing. I have to admit, I'm curious about the fact that you kept them unconscious for another chapter. It does help make a certain pause to develop equestrians a bit more.
Also, I have to say, I lowkey love that you had this alcohol poisoning thing. Not necessarily for the possible questioning of child abuse I sense coming, but for the fact that you made a distinction between a person's body and the substances they ate/drank. Bagage in a transformation is one of those rare things and it's quite fun to see it here.
Next comes the test: human reactions. Good luck, it is always needed for that milestone.
7425750 Nice...Got thumbs up from me...looking forward to more,if this goes a certain way it will be the kind of story i love to early to tell yet.
7425875 The whole alcohol poisoning literally came to me just randomly and when i told Greycait he called me a horrible horrible person
And aside from the alcohol poisoning, the poor puppy loosing a fight with a tree
There is going to be a few more little odder ideas weve had and plan on implementing but that is spoilers my dear sir
The zebra is actually waking up next chapter and to put it bluntly, there'll be some screaming, squinting, and flailing of forehooves at first of course
EDIT: it totally skipped my mind but them being on death's doorstep is another side effect of the transformation. It needed energy and they were the only source of it.
7425880
Youll see in due time
Alright I'm in keep the chapters coming.
Ok, I'm sold on this story start. The writing is clever and slightly silly, while still being serious when it needs to be. The premise alone is fairly interesting as we've seen quite a few foals in Ponyville stories, yet this would be a much rarer 'of another race' variety.
So... will the Zebra colt be forced to speak only in rhyme and have to stop himself, but revert back when surprised or embarrassed? Heh, cursing or mumbling in rhyme... How about the Diamond Dog pup?
Hey, just a quick formatting error:
I'm liking it a lot though, look forward to more.
7427963
I... thats actually kinda funny... why didn't we think of that
Oh im bad at the limmrick gimmick
7428094
Thank you fir pointing that out
To be honest I came here not expecting much, and yet I'm pleasantly surprised.
Nice writing, distinctive voices, good new ideas and fun rehearsal of old tropes, this looks indeed promising. You got certainly another regular reader.
7428906
Just wait till they wake up
genre-savyness (ill admit that James is a mild brony) from one mixed with ADD and child-like enthusiasm of the other
I sense a clusterfuck in the near future.
7429305
Or just horrible improvisational lying and a lot of crying :P
7429417 same thing.
7428715
Hey, being bad at rhyming, that is, it sounding bad, could be part of the fun. It'd be like being compelled to sing while being bad at it. Obviously something that a normal Zebra would get good at if for no other reason than peer pressure, an entire life of practice and examples from their elders.
But hey, it could be an embarrassing phase all zebra go through, even Zecora once upon a time.
7429757
And after a bit, he might break out of it
There are a bunch of little things that could be edited in this story but I'm going to wait a couple more chapters before I dive in with recommendations.
I am not the best for editing 'grammar and such' so I will try to skip making any recommendations in that regard. If this story truly catches my attention, and you decide you want the help, I can probably rope my roommate into helping fix any glaring problems. He is an english major who loves crushing 'poorly written' stories beneath his mighty thesaurus, so I would have to act as a go-between if you wanted his help.
Here are a couple little 'mistakes':
“Doc! When can I leave!” an orange earth pony called the moment she noticed Dr. Stable.
“Ah gotta get back to Scootaloo an’ Sweetie Bell soon Doc,” Apple Bloom cried out in annoyance from another, pouting as she stared out at him with big puppy dog eyes, a cast around her left foreleg. “Can’t ya take this cast off now?”
(Note: Applebloom is a YELLOW earth pony, not orange. Scootaloo is the orange member of the CMC.)
(Note: I assume you meant to describe the two doctors wondering past beds or rooms and that is where this line comes from. Unfortunately you forgot to put that bit of description in and it leaves the reading wondering "From another" what?)
“In a few more days, Apple Bloom,” Dr. Stable said, waving at her. “We have to make sure it sets right.”
---
For me, this second one falls as a logic mistake.
They don't keep people in the hospital with broken bones once they have been treated (especially if the hospital is as busy as you describe it).
Unless it was a fracture* which required surgery, they would just put it in a cast and send her home. Her friends and family would be more than capable of keeping an eye on her until she had to come back to have it removed.
At most they would keep her overnight for observation if they thought there were other injuries (like a head injury for example).
If her being there is essential to the story (and I assume you intend to tie-in the CMC with this at some point) they might have her come back regularly to check the progress of her healing. They may also want to have her come back for physical therapy after the cast is removed.
OK, those bits aside, this is actually an interesting start.
You skirted around the 'Everfree monster battle' decently and took the logical step of having them taken to the hospital rather than the 'quick! To the unlicensed animal caretaker!' route.
I actually have a bit of a soft spot for interesting HiE stories.
The best ones tend to be those with main characters that have limitations in their forms and/or cultural misunderstandings. Examples include; age regression, gender/species change, introduction as minority species, physical disability, and/or communication issues (either can't speak the native language or is simply mute).
They make for great 'overcoming obstacles' stories with actual relatable interest rather than relying on a shoehorn villain who has come to oppress the masses.
If you want some examples of these types of stories, I can send you a short list.
Personally I would much rather read a slow-paced story where the main character is a human turned mute-albino-gryphon-cub that just wants to go home than a fast-paced action-packed story about a guy who seems to forget everything about his old life during the first paragraph in Equestria. That second example also tends to go on to fight the 27th rise of The Nightmare while building his harem of main characters (since he is the epic-powered chosen-one that all the mares lust after).
* If you are interested in how bone fractures are treated, here is a bit of info on the subject http://www.healthline.com/health/bone-fracture-repair .
Again, hoping this story goes well.
Will be keeping an eye on it.
7431932
Good to know and i van send you a pm if youd like to know more
7431932 I take full responsibility for the coat colour issue. We switched which Crusader it would be and I didn't edit that line. Shared blame for the duration though. Bluey picked broken leg, but I didn't look into how long they keep patients in a hospital for that one.
So is it Andie or Andy?
7433659
Andie originally but after conferring with grey, its andy now
i wonder how much diversity of species will see? i wonder if that "sacred" ground creature shall make a return? happen once it do it again.
7513556
There will be deers at least if grey hears out a plan i have for a future ark. And aside from thd regular pony races, diamond dogs, and zecora.... time will tell
As for the creature...
i.ytimg.com/vi/z_OGh81tk-A/maxresdefault.jpg
Lets just say jali's sleep may not be the best for a decent amount of time
7513579 so it going to torment them still? that different cause I never see that version it always stops after once to get the story moving some bad dream then nothing else but other drama hmm maybe that creature from equastria originally anyways? but was banished like the siren or artifacts were thrown to another world to rot left to terrorize another world inhabitance. maybe this is it attempt to get back?
I hope you'll have more time, To think of a better rhyme
7514191
I hope so too
7513590
? Hmmm.... honestly, thatd be something id have to see with grey on
7514259 nice chapter anyway, I hope that they will get settled after he is done freaking out and then the next arc
7514459
And dont worry too much. He'll eventually loose the habit. Kinda viewing the rhyming as a way of speech kind of akin to an accent
7514585 I'm talking about freaking out about the 'I am a Dog/Zebra in Equestria!'
7514598
Oh, thatll happen More next chapter XD
7514668 yay!
when do you think it will come up?
I eagerly await the oncoming chapter...
7515109
Well, at the moment, its greys time to shine
and now we get to wait another couple months.
7515302
Please XD me and grey are apparently far more productive togethwr than apart XD
7515559 so, only a month now?
7515570
Well this only took 3 weeks X3
7515619 close enough.
Wow! James is fast at reaching to conclusion!
He cannot see properly, but instantly recognise is legs as hooved one, directly deduce from it that he is in Equestria, without seeing her, he know that he is talking to nurse Tenderhearth and that she is a nice pony nurse...
He even managed to sneak in a line without a rhyme! Already overpowering his new body's instinct!
Yup! Very very good!
But he does repeat himself a lot. Twice the same line about glasses?
Overall, it's nice to read, but it could use some work on those kind of details.
7524396
Well, i can kind of answer that he deduced quickly because he, well, a brony
Can you point that out
That was actually intentional
7525312 He still did it too fast. There was no moment of "does that mean I am a pony? Does that mean that I am in Equestria?".
7525932
I was thinking fast and last worked as a rhyme...
7525941The rythm of the sentence place the line break at Doctor (rigth before the "and"), one (before a comma) and under. Non of those really rhyme.
If you wan't to place either place commav or a line break where you wish to rhyme.
7526008
Ahh. Consider that just a simple mistake from my abysmal rhyming abilities.
Seeing as I haven't been as active as of late, I'm glad I found this. Good job yet again guys!