This is my first time at writing a story for the public, so please tell if I have done any mistakes, for i know i have.

i thunk it is to short at the moment and am curious as to see how it turns out

This is very good! I can't wait for the next chapter, For you're first public this is good! Take meh thumbs.

are you going to add more chapters?

I see you're a bleedman fan, I'm a bleedman fan myself

OH, I like where this is going.

You got my attentions my good sir please keep it up.

the next chapter will be up within the next week or so. I Will be trying to make the chapters longer too as well.

I haven't read it quite yet as i'm reading the sugar bits comcis right now but i hope you add more characters?

I will be getting back to writing soon, I just found a site to read the Grim Tales:AfterBirth...i've been trying to find these forever.

anyone thats whats to know where i found them, there are in the bottem section of this page http://bleedmancomics.wikia.com/wiki/Grim_Tales_From_Down_Below

Oh boy.... bleedman + bronies. Hmmmm. Haven't desided.

...Okay, this was quite possibly the last thing I ever expected to encounter, ever.

I approve.

it is good so far

Wait... is this...

It IS!

I love Sugar Bits (as well as many of the SNAFU comics).

I just hope you update more often than your source material

>>776523776523

I will be using Information thats probaly not in any of the web comic, though i do wish Bleedman did update more often.

As I've said before, check your capitalizations and such. Reading aloud should help you out, like the comb with the finest teeth.

Now for something new. The dialogue is not bad, BUT I don't know about the parts where Bo is talking to herself. It feels forced. Does someone really spell out what they are going to do out loud?

This doesn't look like much, but I'm kinda talking to you on skype at the moment of writing this, so bear with me.

uh, your gonna update some time soon right?

>>791545791545

i'm working on the 2nd chapter, but like i am trying to tell everyone, i'm a kinda slow writer....

about almost past the 2k work mark though.

>>770826770826

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/197/011/2667328774161692252111104.gif

You wanna know how happy I feel reading this?

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/314/436/cb6.jpg

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/314/436/cb6.jpg

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/314/436/cb6.jpg

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/314/436/cb6.jpg

That happy.

>>795289795289 wow... creepy

So Bo meet's three of the elements. How will her meeting the rest go? Who is the intruder the changeling was talking about?

Man, Bo is not having that good of luck so far. RainBow Dash making fun of her name and Rarity makes comments about her clothes. If things don't get better for her then those ponies better watch out...she has some dangerous weapons in that bell of hers...

Oh...man it seems that Bo wasn't the only one to be transported here...do the channgelings need to be afraid of a certain Big Bad Wolf?

>>796368796368

well i don't want to spoil to much, but Bo might be the only one from Sugar bits in the story... been debating to my self about it.

>>796574796574

Ah, well that makes it more interesting...and honestly, seeing Bo go against the wolf again may not be the best idea anyway (it didn't end that well for her last time...)

>>796738796738

i couldn't use the BBW anyways, it's attached to Red Riding Hood...and she is still in Ever After.

You are making a great work here

I should be able to make longer chapters as the story starts running smoother, i should be able to have a new chapter up at least every week end. this is just a guess though.

I know that I said i can maybe post a chapter every week, but ater some thought, i have come to say i will post them them when ever i have fully completed a chapter. I don't want to rush on a story, becuase that would only make it a bad on.

>>795441795441 Annnnd?

now bear in mind, i was having a bit of a problem think on how things should go in the story. i know most Sugar Bits fans will probably not like how i'm portraying Bo, but hey there is not much said about her in the comic.

I hope this chapter goes OK.

Good chapter, what is that dark being at the end?

>>853199853199

it's never good to reavel information before it's fully out, but ITS A MONSTER THAT WILL EAT YOUR SANITY.

>>853099853099 i'm a fan of sugar bits now and i say how you portray her is ok with me

its getting gooooood

>>853241853241 Has the creature appeared in the actually story already?

>>853707853707

Yes and no...i removed the the one part were i had said somthing about it in the end of chapter two before i changed it, but it was nothing mayjor. though you could think of the dream if you are kinda lost.

As dark shadow pulled the candy lance out of Bo’s body it spoke in a deep cracking feminine voice. “You are done for little lamb.”

“AWAKEN NOW BO!!”

Am I the only one the shouted this out in a mad scientests sort of voice? SAid by someone unisex ay? I am currios to how that sounds, I have NO IDEA what this cross over is about. For people like me could there be, I dunno, some things explained? The thing with the rams head seemed a bit sudden and the character speaking outloud to themself is a little... OFF PUDDING (I have always wanted to say that) I'm not sure if I can tell you what needs to be improved or not without knowing of where this is coming from. Otherwise, the writting is solid and is much better then my first story (Really I had to edit it the next day because of the ENORMOUS amount of spelling mistakes. To me, this is amazing for a first story)

Also, screw spell check Ima two lazey

>>858073858073

everything is spelled right, i over read a few times to make sure, and i left a link to were Bo is from and the backstory on her if any one is to confused in the description...but i started the story the way it is for plot purposes.

Bo has a bell that can summon different types of things, most are ram themed....after what you said, i think it is best that i explain the bell a touch in the first chapter so that it isn't as confusing.

...Hmhmhm.  I was hoping he was going to show up!  And it looks like wasn't disappointed!  Now the question is; how well will you write him?

>>873603873603

huh? you are confusing me? if your talking about the shadow thing...it isn't the BBW...but it is the same thing as it. the BBG is tied to red riding hood so he is unusable.

Sorry, but didn't one of the first episodes show that sheep could talk in Equestria, just like cows and donkeys?

>>879028879028

I had thought about it, but wasn't sure if sheep were part of the other animals that could speak.

This is one crossover I wasn't expecting to happen.

Bravo!

Can't wait til she meets the rest of the gang.

>>883906883906

I really liked the Sugar Bits comic, and with my new fandom of MLP, i thought this could be a nice crossover.

Thought it would be kinda interesting to see where it leads me too.

The story is a bit on hold, as MapleStory has drawn me back in for a bit . will try to work on chapter 4... I do have a part of it done so far, and should have it out by next week most likely.

With all big distraction about gone and a Helpful Proof reader (JohnPerry) I am getting back to righting my story.

I still have a feeling that not many people care too much about it....

I feel a bit rushed on how i ended this chapter, might go and fix it later.

pretty good, i like it.

me gusta

>>924622924622

>>925951925951

just letting you know, You should re read the last part. like i said, I felt like i rushed it so i would go back and fix it.

Nice chapter

>>966673966673

well I guess Bo should meet the rest of the crew in the next chapter...Senka's a bit crazy if you didn't know.

Good chapter

>>966698966698 of course I noticed the crazyness of senka

Yay update!

>>10248641024864

It's good to know one of my few readers was happy with the new chapter.

Was it any good? I had a feeling people would hate it if i didn't add in a scene with Senka fighting the changeling's in the tunnel entrance.

yay. Changelings rock.

So she's an emotion vampire/leech as well as a major bruiser. She reminds me of this character from an old anime that was an evil magical reflection of the heroine, just without the crazy stalker ex-girlfriend vibe.

Keep up the good work though I like the Bo parts more.......then again Bo is one of my favorites so I am bias as hell in that regard. Either way good chapter and don't stop making more.

you carried it really well, i liked it and tnkz for writting it

i dont know why the sistem ddnt sent me the notification that you had added a new chapter, i have this one on my fav list

Interesting, I don't know whether to use a "Dun, Dun, Dun" or a "the plot thickens" quote.

That was handled rather nicely.

Good chapter. Looking forward to seeing how Twilight will take meeting Bo.