I'm not a fan of the smarmy narration.

It's amusing that you're missing a [ /i ] when you didn't even really need the [ i ] that goes with it. Italics and quotes for direct thought is overkill, considering you technically don't even need to set it apart from narration at all.

Going back to the smarmy narration for a moment: this was massively overwritten. Don't use so many unnecessary words, and stop trying to sound writerly – it's painfully obvious that you're not comfortable with this mode of speaking. There's no harm in stating things simply. What's more, being a little more succinct would eradicate deadly double doses of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome like this

Pinkie Pie gave her biggest smile at her stylish listener, who merely stood blinking in silence. Realizing that the party pony was expecting some commentary, Rarity willed herself to come up with a response, mindful of the persisting heat nearby.

The Dredgemane arc of EoP did this plot better.

Well it wasn't a human. Points for that, I guess.

Her face was starting to turn beet red.

If you'd said "the mint unicorn's" instead of "her" I probably would have died. To be fair, though, the use of "starting to" is probably justified in this case, but "beet red" is awfully cliche.

This is the second story I've read about actual tie cutting. It's also the second story I've read overall. You guys are so literal-minded. Maybe it's my fault for starting with the really short ones.

The last paragraph wasn't funny. I have a feeling it's supposed to be a reveal or some kind of circular thing, but it doesn't quite connect.

Third story in a row to feature the literal cutting of ties. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY YOU GUYS... but I do like how this story didn't have that as its central thing.

Apart from that, I don't have too much good to say about this story. It's half-baked and more than a little confusing. It's odd that you didn't choose to show one of the most important characters. This could probably be a decent story about misunderstandings and stuff, but it needs to be more developed.

Two spaces after your sentences? That narrows your possible identity down a bit.

Comma splice in the first sentence. That bodes well.

lickerish

My dictionary says that means "lecherous". Is that how you spell liquorice wherever you live?

I brought the clouds in the sky together and made them pink, and frantically searching for more examples, I turned the roads leading up to the castle into soap.

There's more to chaos than chocolate rain and soap roads.

I feel like this would be a more interesting story if you discarded the emo Discord framing device. I'm interested in reading about vignettes from Discord and Celly's fated courtship and his tragic fall, but I don't care for all his waffling. This fic kinda feels like one of those liquorice allsorts with the pink and white stuff around the black liquorice – I like the white stuff and the pink stuff's okay, but I'm not a fan of the actual liquorice, so I only end up eating and enjoying a small part of it and the rest gets tossed.

Also, "Elements of Harmony". It's the name of a thing, so I wanna see caps.

You two spacers really need to use find-replace on your work before submitting.

This is a promising story, but it needs more tension. The climax needs to be hairier and more difficult for Green, and you could work in a good deal more into the scene where Green's mother finds out about her secret project. It might also be nice to know a bit more about Palmer's motivations.

This is a good idea and a solid outline, but it's begging for expansion.

Never read a Flim Flam story before, but I nearly stopped reading this one at that unappealing opening paragraph, with all its exhausting long sentences.

It had been a long time since Flam tried his hand

The bartender looked like a no-nonsense character with his monocle and impressive mustache, but he clearly had his hands full serving a full house.

I do enjoy all the freaky mutant ponies in these competitions.

the mustachioed banker [...] The banker [...] The banker

He has a name. Try to avoid referring to named characters by anything other than their names/pronouns where possible – it'll make your writing clearer and challenge you to experiment with sentence structure. Epithets can get annoying.

This fic wasn't bad, but it was pretty predictable. I thought the lawyer stampede thing was pretty funny/clever, though.

Maybe I spend too much time lurking on Ponychan, but this was supposed to be anonymous. On that note, here's a comic for you to read. It gets better after the first few strips.

Raising his hoof in resolution, the dark skinned unicorn turned and sped off toward the main castle

1. Skinned? We can see ponies' skin now?

2. http://derpy.me/MusicalNames

As he left, the sound of ripping fabric and cries of alarm in response to his glowing black horn, informed him that the professors’ ties had successfully been cut.

Not again... (tie-cutting stories read: 4)

Phantomage the Unstoppable, requests that you admit him into your school for gifted unicorns

Phantomage the Unstoppable, would not be denied.

Commas go after the names of characters being addressed in dialogue.

Your dialogue punctuation is mostly incorrect, but you do get it right in a few places. Apart from that, you've got a bunch of typos and some oddly placed commas.

I didn't like this story. It didn't even work as a joke entry, because the only joke was that bananas thing, and reading about that served only to remind me about how funny that video was when I first saw it and how unfunny this is in comparison. Referencing other people's jokes isn't funny if you don't take it further or put a new spin on it somehow.

This wasn't so much a story as it was a bunch of things that an incredibly dull male Trixie expy with a silly name did. It doesn't conclude so much as it stops at the point where you presumably got tired of writing it.

And why did he turn into a mare? That really didn't add anything... it just felt weird and made me go "ew fanfiction".

The Ponyville Farmer hates second person so much that he uses third person instead. Does that make him a prereader?

HELLO TWILIGHT I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME

This was too cursory and fast-paced to be any kind of proper psychological horror thing. What's more, the gore was gratuitous. I don't see why this Farmer guy needed to be a deceased murderer or why he needed to live in Cupcakes Pinkie's basement. He could just be a malevolent spirit living someplace that's not full of dead bodies, and you could have written pretty much this same story in a much more believable and setting-appropriate way without anything gory.

But my main issue is the bad pacing. There's no sense of dread and no tension because all the events just fly by before I can even get a proper idea of what's actually going on. Slow down a bit and try to work some atmosphere into your writing.

The Farmer is dull and really flat as a character. Why call him "the Farmer" if you're not going to make that inform his personality and actions? Why call him that if you're not even going to go into his life as a farmer before he died?

tl;dr: Needs more ponyness, more tension, more atmosphere, and more character depth.

Competently written for the most part, but with some plotting issues. I feel like you should have played up Mrs Cake's idea that her husband was scrawny, meek and uninteresting a little more in at the beginning of the fic, and I could use a some explanation of why Joe and Carrot are both bakers and secret agents. There needs to be some connection between those two professions for this fic to really hang together and be believable.

The climax could also use some work. I'm not sure Equestria's government would use that kind of force, but I think you implied that the order to take Carrot out didn't come from Celly. That could use some clarification/expansion, I think.

I picked this for the title.

Using the prompt literally like this is not cute. Worse, the presence of the prompt is just as a throwaway joke at this point. Unless cutting ties is Phantomage's signature "fuck you" gesture, I'm going to score you lower for this. <- that was a stream-of-consciousness comment and having hit the end, I can mostly forgive this.

I like the involvement of filly Twilight. The concept of a bumbling character being cartoonishly humiliated by Celestia is actually working out nicely.

Your ending wasn't so hot, I don't get why Pariah had to go into exile, there are a lot of things you did that didn't get an appropriate amount of attention, your meta jokes went a little too far, but this wasn't bad. I'm not scoring you yet because I'm going to assign scores relative to all the other ones I read.

If it were me, by the way, Phantomage would have a little brother named Tricky Lulamoon or something.

Stream of consiousness.

I like the hook because I'm a pervert.

Your "hehehehehe" and "mwahahahahaha" are fucking awful.

Personal opinion: "What the buck" doesn't work. I prefer to only use "buck" as a verb because that way it could almost make sense instead of just being a pun.

The lolrandumb in this story is just obnoxious. You should've ended with something that made the whole tie cutter incident meaningful, but instead you dump a bunch of what I assume is supposed to be funny but is just incoherent.

This isn't offensively bad, but I'm finding it hard to name anything I actually liked about it.

All right Mr. Melodramatically Named Medium Lengther, let's see what you've got.

I swear it's coincidence that I keep picking the same ones as other people.

The way you wrote the crash wasn't great. I found it rather weak considering what a scary event it should've been but I won't bother nitpicking. I do love the idea, though, of an earth pony Icarus.

The teacher's cruelty could use some work. Seems like she knows all about Green and her flying, or is she a racist? You should get a little less subtle about it, whichever it is.

Not a big fan of Palmer's character. He's a totally recognizable cliche, but we're left to just assume that he has the same motivations as every other time we've seen this character played out. His limp comes into it maybe, but again, maybe a little less subtlety is in order. He's got every reason to lay his story out to Green, after all.

For the time constraint, this was very good. The ending worked just how you wanted it to.

Medium lengther with a perplexing name. Let's see what you've got for me.

I love this already from the opening. Let me down and I'll smack you.

This is my shortest comment yet. This was fucking great. I loved it. When I find out who you are, I will read your other work too.

Shades of SS&E (I'm calling the father Consus), right down to the scattered dialogue punctuation derps. Cut out some of the epithets when you go over this again.

Bloody hell, author, that was something else. This is the best story I've read so far, and I don't think it's gonna be topped. That you managed to write a 20k word story in a weekend is an impressive achievement. That you managed to also make it a captivating, beautiful, and very well fleshed-out piece in such a short time is an astounding achievement. You're an inspiration. Job well done.

Do not tl;dr this one, folks. It is well worth the read.

Disqualified stories GO!

Author: Argembarger

=)

I woulda disqualified this for not being a pony story. Was that the joke?

Hey Raharu.

hoofs

I hate that this is a legit word.

Hiding just out of their reach, she heard the sound of hoofs searching for her.

Standing on two legs, its coarse and matted hair was furry and brown.

Be careful with these types of sentences. While not grammatically incorrect, they have a cumbersome backwardness to them, and should be handled with care and avoided where possible.

it was at that point when i got distracted by the authors HOT SELF INSERT...

Oh, you and your metafics. That's what I would have disqualified this one for.

Second story with a comma splice in the first sentence. Great. That's what I'd've disqualified this for.

Slowly opening her eyes, the moonlight seemed blinding, seeking its way in through the window of the tree house.

The moonlight has eyes?

Yeah, this isn't really a story.

There's no hyphen in earth pony.

This is my favourite of the disqualified entries. It's an effective little vignette. But rules are rules.

Lay it on me, short one with horribly generic sadfic title.

Dialogue isn't doing it for me.

Technical errors make this hard to read.

It's hard for me to get through a section of this without hitting something that enrages me. I'm not going to bother bringing up every time you do something I don't like.

Here's one to start you off in an improvement-esque direction. Not even the Disney movies and teen novels that the cliche comes from have parents that are as senselessly controlling as this. Think back to when your own parents were restrictive or unjustly strict. Were they controlling your life or forbidding you from having hobbies or imposing medieval ideas of family and shit on you? I bet they weren't, and if you think your parents are like this, then your writing will probably improve greatly once you finish puberty.

The characters play out a teenage melodrama brutally straight, without a single added nuance minus the "they moved" thing which is so far outside believable I don't even know how to explain it to you, the characters lack a single interesting or redeeming trait, the transitions are practically nonexistent and almost detriments to the flow, the--

*deep breaths*

*walks away*

>>767963767963

The joke is that I was busy this weekend and thought it was due at noon today rather than at midnight last night because I'm awful at UST and 24-hour time, and started writing it about 30 minutes before the deadline with no idea where I was going with it.

On top of that, fucks given equal zero.

If I had known it would have been "disqualified" and posted anyway, I would have compressed this 1000 word stupidity into three lines. Instead I padded the hell out of it and missed the deadline anyway.

The More You Know~

Doing the show-don't-tell on Twilight's crush on Fluttershy was mostly successful. Other than that, the opening scene before Rarity arrives could have used some brevity. First person is dragging you down here as you familiarize us with Twilight and her thoughts, leaving us with some things that aren't resolved for a while, like Twilight being upset at her own rationality. Scenes like this, that just lay stuff out and don't go anywhere exciting, need to be brief and they need to flow nonstop from one element to another.

Considering how nicely you built Twilight's feelings for Fluttershy, you sure SLAM on how she feels about her own tendency to overanalyze. Then again, that internal monologue of hers, railing on herself for it, is sometimes nice.

You've blown your transitions big time. I was confused for quite a while about time. The encounter with Fluttershy was in the past? Work on that.

Fluttershy isn't close to my heart so i don't know how I feel about her letter at the end. The encounter with her is nice but I don't hear her so much in the letter.

This was pretty good, even if it's not really my usual thing.

Well. This was creepy.

But, yeah, most of the time I was like, "lol wtf is going on".

Agreeing with Ezn on most of his comments.

I didn't understand why intelligence, fighting skill, and "letting go" were such important qualities to the Farmer.

Plus, it seemed like Twilight buckled pretty easily. It felt strange for her to just automatically know what the farmer meant by "letting go" and then be able to perform it so easily.

I think the horror genre is about the creating the illusion of an omnipotent evil, and you did a decent job at that. Most of the problems with the story seemed to come from being rushed.

You knew what you set out to write, and you did a great job. You avoided predictability and cliche like a boss. I like the way you worked closely with canon and I like the spin on Cadence and her association with love. I like how well Manipulative Celestia played out.

I just kind of blew through this one without stopping to be critical, because it was a nice story with a nice premise and I wasn't looking to criticize it. So, uh, it was good, yeah.

Excellent story. Nothing really jumped out as out of place, although I do wonder if Celestia really would disown Twilight like that. I did say "whaaaa?" when Celestia said Twilight was no longer her student. Come on, Celestia

I think you're bending canon. When Discord had his way with Ponyville, he was delighted with how fucked the place was. Still, I understand the implication that things weren't always that way, and Discord's character here is actually quite well done.

Talking about Discord turning evil feels like a show-don't-tell violation. You go through all this effort to motivate Discord and turn his love into anger, and then you drop this on us:

I hear a mental snip.  All ties with my past self fall apart.  I let out a cackle, a crazy cackle about a joke that only I understand.  Old Discord and his memories fade to gray.  They are no longer a part of me.  All the love that I had once felt shifted into resentment.

Come on! I almost feel like you could've just cut this paragraph completely and we still would've gotten it.

Technical issues bug me the whole way through. Not just minor grammar derps, but weak phrasing, awkward structure, bad sentences. This would have been so, so, so much better with polishing time. This includes your ending. It was a good idea but it needs work.

This was a good one, well done.

"The air was chilly; fresh, the way it only ever is during the night. "

That's not how you semicolon. Cheers.

This is a nice little story. I'd say definitely my favorite of the DQ'd entries.

This was a somewhat interesting crossover. My biggest problem was that it felt far too inconsistent. Each character seemed to play too many of the roles, and even seemed to switch roles at times. I got a couple laughs, but I'm not at all sure that the Star Wars movies as told by ponies here worked as a coherent story. It's just a little too random for my tastes, though I'm sure people who like Pinkie Pie's brand of lunacy will like this well enough.

I feel as though there are just a couple things missing. It's definitely a workable story, but it needs a bit more spit and polish before it's really ready. There's a noticeable amount of grammar flaws and typo's, but I think the biggest problem here is an inconsistency when Discord cuts his ties with Celestia. It feels as though you're trying to do too many things with his emotions at once and it doesn't come across clearly.

That aside, all-in-all it's a strong entry and a promising idea.

"Jacob, keep your shirt on!"

I almost laughed, but only almost. The story section was a bit contrived, and did feel a little too flourished, but it made sense in a way. The italics was a real drawback, but letting that pass; the only thing I liked about the concluding section was Rarity's line about Sweetie Belle.

*shrug*

... Meh. The premise is a good one but it needs a lot of work; I suspect this was rushed. The banana joke was funny, and rule 63 is one of my favorites, but I didn't find myself laughing along with Twilight at the end. Maybe you could work on that when the contest is over.

And cutting ties, really? *sigh* It was a valiant effort, but you should just walk away

Nice trollestia pic by the way, that one got a chuckle.

Just by the title I can imagine you did exactly what I almost went with for my story. I gotta see this.

Using Pinkie's rant for infodump.

Not bad.

It took me a few reads to figure out why the ties were suddenly thrown in at the end; I missed the facehoof the first time. Beautifully done, Top notch.

Hmm. I mean, giving it a second look-over, I like what you did and all. It had an interesting message, and the out-of-order scene presentation was necessary to build up the reveal, I suppose. But I was fairly frustrated on my first read. We have an unnamed character in first person, a bit too much world-building for him, given his role, and we're told about unfamiliar elements like archeological doctors and empresses. I spent too much time trying to figure out if this would be a Daring Do fic. Also questioned why nopony else thought to touch that orb first.

Then we're whisked to another scene, now with a queen. Still unfamiliar, though it's likely the image that the orb is playing. Next scene, suddenly some familiar names. Then later, back to the queen again. I didn't figure out what was going on until the scene with the Queen and Lulu; that was likely intentional on the author's part, and there's nothing wrong with mystery, but I just felt more confused than mystified. I dunno, maybe I just wasn't in the right mindset when I picked this up.

While the "nothing lasts forever" theme was potent enough, it was inherently spoiled by the queen's embracing of this theme, which almost came across as ambivalence in the last scene. "Here's my story. Care about it. Or don't. Whatever." Don't get me wrong, I can't really think of any other way to portray that message, and it's a good, interesting message. But at the same time, it sort of lacked weight.

Just a paragraph in, something about the narrator's informal, friendly style... as I read it, I'm hearing it in a deep male narrator's voice of a children's TV special, like Boris Karloff in How The Grinch Stole Christmas. So far, it's to good effect.

"How un-smashing!"

I need an excuse to use this.

I—oh dear. I had skimmed some of the reviewers quickly, not trying to digest any of them really. I saw several complaining about all of the "literally somepony's tie was cut" stories. Normally I absolutely adore bad jokes, but yeah, this is going to get old fast.

The night valet, appalled by the stallion’s behavior, desperately cried out...

NO. NO YOU DIDN'T. LMFAO. Okay, remember how I mentioned I adore bad jokes? Yes. Yes. Bravo, sir.

The Pinkie Pie/Rarity bit on the end felt tacked-on, unnecessary, not particularly funny. The Jacob part could've stood on its own.

Overall, I really liked this one! The style was charming, and it was just a goofy little story that could only make sense in the au naturale world of Equestria. Didn't overstay its welcome.

I want to like this. Your Pinkie voice is good, your Rarity voice is good, your Sweetie voice is good, it's just that this spins around without actually telling me what the fuck is going on a lot. I get that Rarity is turning away a lecherous client and Pinkie is trying to be helpful and Rarity just doesn't approve of Pinkie being helpful.

I read this twice and I don't know why Rarity was mad at Pinkie. In fact, I don't even see where they made up or what happened. Did the first paragraph come after the end of the story? Because it seems to me like Rarity understood why Pinkie did that at the end. Also, the entire story jumped around a lot and NEVER anchored you into the timeline when it did.

For example: This entire bit. I don't understand a single thing that happened between these scene breaks.

“Pinkie, please!  I have everything under control.  And for future reference, ‘buttering up’ a pony is about complimenting them and doing them favors, not actually coating them in butter!”

Entry "What They All Want" has been removed for breaching content rules.

I'm usually giving grammar a pass, given the time crunch and lack of peer review. But yeah, comma splice in the first sentence. Actually, a fair bit of comma misuse. Run-ons and so forth.

The flow on some of these sentences just feels odd. Sort of like garden path sentences? Like this one: "Memories flowed back to me as the water held back behind the dam came to the forefront of my thoughts." Or this one: "With nothing to look at but pure darkness my thoughts projected on the screen that the void created." It's just trying to be too poetic, or something, and as a result it's awkward to read.

The weak scene breaks are somewhat disorienting. Might've wanted to go with horizontal bars instead.

I'm with you on believablity so far, but then Celestia stood him up on a "date"? Feels too OOC for her. I can understand her growing apart from him and needing to never see him again, sure. But this whole "cold shoulder, take the hint" routine just strikes me as odd, when her whole M.O. at this point is harmony and order.

The end felt a bit anticlimatic, or perhaps just rushed? We have this building up of Discord as a much more rage-filled version than in canon (and arguably, being driven by rage against a particular target makes him less chaotic, but anyway...). Then, with the final lines, are we back to his mischievous canon form? Are we implying that he couldn't be driven to pure rage because he still felt this one thread? A touching sentiment, to be sure, but when executed in all of two sentences, this reader sort of felt the rug being pulled out from under him.

It was alright. Could use a good pass-through from an editor for grammar and pacing, and some of the character motivations might need some reexamining, but it was an interesting piece.

Entry "The D Word" has been removed by request.

This was fantastic. It's taken its place with Curse and Icarus as my top picks.

One criticism: Diamond Tiara is much more self-aware than she should be. She knows, for example, that other ponies treat her the way they do because she's rich. I don't think that's quite right. She's too young and sheltered to get that, and besides, characters should only be hyper-aware to make a point. Mostly, people don't think about themselves like that very often, and the way things are should be implied. You know, show-don't-tell, except not really.

The first sentence's tone was bizarre, and I nearly wanted to revoke your thesaurus license because of it. But in the context of the entire first paragraph, it's actually a charming hook. Nice.

Mixed feelings on the casual narrator. At some parts, it's cutesy and works. Other points, it's distracting.

Trollestia laughing at the expense of a pouting Woona, watching her get all flustered when she's called "cute"? I'm on board!

Not crazy about the LUS use of "The Day/Night Princess".

You seem to make a lot of allusions to utter destruction at the hooves of Woona. Some clearer examples of this would've helped. I can see her spilling a teacup because of hooves, sure. I can't really connect the dots to how somepony destroys an entire library this way.

Err, the dream? Luna almost gets attacked by the Nightmare. No, Luna, you are the Nightmare. And then Luna was Nightmare Moon. Is that normal—a dream where you suddenly swap bodies/positions in a single scene? Not sure I've ever had a dream like that. Anyway. The part after she woke up from the nightmare, with Celestia? D'aww.

And Luna understood…albeit very vaguely.

I really really liked how you handled that scene, or really the fic in general. Doubtful and fearful Luna. Cryptic Celestia, constantly there to comfort her sister and be there for her, but never explicitly telling her the answer. It's just enough for Luna to find the answers inside herself, which makes them more signficant than if Celly just schooled her. Nicely handled.

Overall, I really like this one! It's sweet, a nice introspective, and a clever explanation for what happened to S1 Woona's form. I did, however, feel like the narrator's style was somewhat detrimental, but that's a minor quibble. Thanks for sharing!

This overstays its welcome a little. It's all dialogue and grinding forward through a linear story, and parts of it could be abbreviated. Talking to Bonbon absorbs a lot of time when all that's important is Sweet getting her feelings out and having a good friend offer her guidance.

So there's the obligatory criticism. My actual opinion is that this was beautiful. You unfolded Glass' story elegantly and gave him a strong voice. Good luck in your future work.

I was worried about this because of the title, but this was actually really nice. Little Twilight is as adorable as she rightfully should be, though I don't know about Cadence-- even in canon she lacks interesting quirks and you've done nothing to answer my questions about her being (by all evidence) a mortal alicorn.

Anyway, this is another fic that knows what it sets out to do, and does it well, if simply. Good writing!

>Reaches the first weak scene break

I... wait, sorry, what?

"Phantomage the Unstoppable", as a name, is grating. As a character, he basically seems like a Trixie expy, plus the whole tie thing, which seems like a forced connection to the prompt.

"Do you like bananas?"

It's perhaps a good thing I'm commenting on here and not PChan, as I immediately reached for my image reaction folder. Not in a good way. We'll leave that at that. Not because of the joke, per se, but just its non sequitur application.

“Hey Big Bro, how’d it go?”

Ohhh. A little sister. Story takes place in the past. Main character has a giant ego. I see what you did there.

Heh. This story is starting to feel like a bunch of excuses for dramatic entrances, strung back to back.

I... bananas again? I don't even.

Wait, so just like that, with one little spell slip-up, he says goodbye to his little sister and leaves town? Ope, scene break, and (s)he's back again. Hmm.

ridiculous name

Well, as long as she thinks so too

Hmm, so that's why the body morphing spell failed like that. An amuzing concept. Together with the punchline—which I suppose means I can forgive you for the bananas thing, since it was relevant to the punchline—it's amuzing, but as a comedy fic it falls a bit flat.

Eh, overall, this fic was okay, but the weak punchline and Phantomage's insuffrability weighed against it.

Haha, well this story has a hook, I'd say. Hoofkerchief, though?

Hmm, I'm not sure I've read a fic with the Cakes as lead characters before, but this is sweet. Definitely getting the vibe of a cute, bubbly, loving couple, in spite of the spy plot.

Why is it that I'm accepting Carrot's role in this without batting an eye, yet with Pinkie Pie of all ponies, I'm having difficulty supending my disbelief that's she's in the loop on Carrot's emergency plans? Go figure

"Even Pinkie's cookies can be rigged to explode if you know how!" Carrot replied, explaining absolutely nothing.

I should be so angry at this, yet it just works perfectly

Minor plot quibble: the special agents pulled back their attack because "The Elements of Harmony have gotten involved." Yet, Pinkie grabbing the foals was one of the first things that happened. Heck, Pinkie lives with Carrot. It seems like if her involvement would compromise their mission, then they would have made sure that she was away before attacking Carrot.

Once they had gotten their foals back from Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle...

This section gets a bit telly and info-dumpy. Might've just been feeling the time crunch. Since you're already showing some of these, ahem, feelings in the rest of the conclusion, you could probably weave this information into the scene better.

The last line was cute.

All in all, liked this one. It managed to capture the whole "retired secret agent who knows too much and needs to be taken care of" trope, cast it on an unassuming pony like Carrot Cake, and present the whole thing in a rather believable and episodic manner (minus the Too-Hot-For-The-Hub start and end). A very enjoyable read.

I'm pleased by how many of these are so good! This moved nicely and did a good job of playing out canon characters.

The surprise Pinkie narration was cute and charming but didn't seem meaningful. You did it so well, but why did you bother?

The link to the prompt was nonexistent. It was a punchline when you didn't tell me I was supposed to be waiting for a punchline. Ugh. I do however like the revelation of what Bloom was gone for.

undying umbrage

uu: uSE ITALICS FOR EMPHASIS. INSTEAD OF BOLD.

uu: AND REMEMBER NEXT TIME. TO COVER uP YOuR IDIOSYNCRATIC TWO-SPACING.

This was very telly. I suppose that was the specific style you were going for, but I didn't really like it. I'm not the biggest fan of emo waffling. Your prose was technically fine, and you did a better job than most would with the purple bits.

I don't really care for Trixie stories, and while I'll give you points for not having this be about Trixie seeking revenge on Twilight, I'm not sure I can give you points for anything else because I can't find anything to like about this story. It leaves me saying "so what". I feel like this might be better as the introduction to a longer story about Trixie (telly, emotional musing works better as a small part of a long story than it does as a story on its own)... you could go for a Background Pony type of feel.

About the dolphin ride on the moon, about the time she had met an astronaut,

Yeah... no.

About how she tried to use a fan, her obsession with socks

I'm sure she's done other, less memetic things by now. In fact, you may run this risk of newfoals not even getting the socks thing.

I didn't cry, and I actually like Pipsqueak. It's unfortunate that this is in the same contest as Never and I can't help but compare this to that and find this wanting.

I think this is a sad fic that's supposed to make me sad, but it didn't. It didn't really achieve anything else either, because you leaned on meme references for half of Luna's background and a cursory, tangential story that didn't say very much for the other half. So basically you paralyzed Pip for no good reason. I hope you can sleep at night.

Japonys

Oh Celestia, dat pun

Something in the box caught Shining’s eye, and he slowly released his embrace, staring at the box.

No no no, don't cry don't cry don't...

“I was wondering if you might want to be her new friend?”

...dammit.

“and in here.” He touched Twilight’s heart.

...dammit again.

This review is a lot shorter than my other comments, but not for lack of enjoyment. This was a really tender look at leaving the nest, saying goodbye for now, and how it affects everyone around us: family, best friends, the girlfriend, your hometown, and so forth. Everypony that Shining interacted with had their own reaction; even if a lot of the reactions were "sad", they were all different types and extents of sad, based on the relationship.

Playing Shining as the happy-go-lucky goofball worked well for this, as he was more-or-less able to coast through the day without getting bogged down with the emotions (while the reader could still observe them just fine). Then, as he started to say goodbye to family members, it started to sink in, and he was able to ramp up his own sadness as well (this ramp-up was a bit uneven, perhaps).

While the Smarty Pants cameo was a tad predictable, it still managed to give me a sad, twice. Then again, I am a big softy.

Overall, while this wasn't exactly the most original entry, it was very effective for what it set out to do, and the emotions and plot felt very grounded in reality. If I had to quibble, I would argue that this story is a bit too general; a minor rewrite could turn it into a human kid heading off to college, for instance. Nevertheless, this parallel does work in the story's favor, as it makes the emotions relatable to anyone's who's been in this type of situation. Nicely done.

The Apples don't use "y'all" in place of "you". They use it logically, i.e. to mean "multiple yous". For that matter, you Apple accents are overwrought. If you really have to use "ah" instead of "I" (which you shouldn't), it might be wise to capitalise it, so we know what it's supposed to be. Take a look at Applejinx's review thread for a course in AJ's dialogue.

Granny Smith yelled from her spot at the table; oblivious to the details of the event that had just transpired.

That's not how you use a semicolon.

gonna’

Why is there an apostrophe here? "gonna" is bastardised enough to be its own word, not a contraction. You've got a few of these sorts of errors.

’Sis

This is like saying 'fridge or 'phone – totally unnecessary.

Her heart began to beat slightly faster with each hoofstep she took.

Be careful with your "began to"s. This one adds nothing.

and she was soon standing just outside the once—beautiful farmhouse

A find-and-replace gone horribly wrong. My condolences. You probably would have been better off leaving it, considering how few dashes you used.

“No, it’s nothin’ like that,” Apple Bloom assured. “It’s just... well, she’s been actin’ differnt lately. She lied to us about where she was goin’ one mornin’, and then she left the house with a bagful of money. She came back later, and,” Apple Bloom paused for a moment, not sure which details to share or conceal, “the money was all gone. She even had a story, but it didn’t really add up too well.”

You could've done with some dashes to set off AB's pause, and some other similar situations.

This is the second longest story in the Write-Off, and I think a lot of that has to do with overwriting. All over the place you're explaining jokes, giving irrelevant information, using too many words and generally writing everything in a fashion so overwrought it gets exhausting to read. Start your revisions by removing the needless dialogue tags and killing needless joke explanations like

thinking that her grandson must have gone crazy to say something so ridiculous.

Also, be careful of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome/Epithets. Named characters should be called by their names.

The plot hinges on Applejack not suspecting that her mobster friends would get her back for ceasing payment. I'd like to think she's a little smarter than that. I also think the climax was underwhelming and the last scene overstayed its welcome.

Points for adding a twist to the literal tie cutting thing. And points for Raripie, the ship of hipsters.

There is never a good reason to use more than one exclamation mark in a row.

hoofs

This really needs to just stop being a word.

Your writing is good, very lean, and I didn't notice any technical errors. It's paced to match the action of the story, but I think the story has too much action – it's pretty much one high-energy action scene after another. All rise and no fall may be good for a mixtape, but it makes stories exhausting to read. Stuff like Pinkie suddenly needing to rescue Rarity and AJ and Dash rescuing Fluttershy came out of nowhere, and on the whole this fic suffers from being massively rushed, but I guess that's deadlines.

The sweetness of the ending is undermined by the fridge logic that hits you when you realise that the Apples didn't tell AB they were okay with her plans at any point, but managed to find the time to prepare all that for her. And before I got to the end of the story, I found myself disbelieving the idea that the Apples would want AB to throw away a promising future to stay at the farm. So basically this was weirdly OOC and not believable.

There were a few odd word choices, and a few places where you called AB and Scoots by their species names for no good reason, but it was technically sound for the most part.

Why didn't Sweet go to the hospital? Ponyville has a hospital. Why did no-one even suggest that she should have done that? That's a plothole that I can't get past.

And that's a shame, because otherwise I really enjoyed this story. Well-written, original and quite touching. It's definitely a memorable one. This is one of my favourites so far. Good job, author.

What's with Twilight's mother and awful names? I'm tempted to headcanon her as Twilight Sparkle Senior just to get away from atrocities like "Velvet Glitter".

This was well executed. I think you've achieved what you wanted to achieve with this story, and it is good. It may not be totally original or whatever, but it's relatable and realistic. This is a nice little story that feels very real and achieves those sads (especially when filly Twilight's in the scene). This is one of my favourites so far. Nicely done.

Busy all weekend, so I wrote mine in about 2 hours time.  Had no time to edit and had to submit it right away.

I guess I'm feeling the repercussions in full force now.  Oh well.

There are a lot of clever little details in this one, and the writing's pretty good, but yet it doesn't quite sit well with me. It could certainly stand to have a more "pony" atmosphere – although it definitely wouldn't work without ponies, the little details need some tweaking.

It was slow to start and there should probably be a bit more foreshadowing. The climax could probably stand to be extended too.

And maybe I'm just stupid enough to be missing something that's already there, but an explanation of why ponies got attacked by the spirit when Shine asked for its help. I assume it's got something to do with draining their life force.

Good job overall, but this fic can definitely be better.

Well, that was a fair bit of words. Honestly, I think it just started to get boring. I started skipping lines every once in a while to parse out the relevant plot information. All-in-all, this just felt rather verbose in a way that wasn't entirely gripping. I'm also not sure I buy some of the major parts of your plot, though I won't get into it because spoilers. Suffice to say that I would think Big Mac at least would be able to figure the gist of the situation out over the years, and if AJ's been making these trips for quite a while, then I'd think her routine would be less out-of-place than you portray it.

Wut. I can honestly say I have no idea what was going on in this story except that there were dragons, Scootaloo, and some kind of time-passage.

>>774147774147

I did not expect any views, much less comments, so thanks! I really expected a lot more hate toward the errors: Sweetie Belle speaking Scootaloo's line, a tense error at 'slams', speaker confusion at the very end, and generally more theoretical fog in your theoretical Wondergoggles than you can theoretically wipe away. Wut.

Dangling with sex appeal, my participial phrases add impact.

Ties-R-Us

I see watcha did there.

It was halfway decent until that ending. What a way to kill a story. "Yeah hey check out this opening scene I wrote. You like that? Too bad I'm just gonna tell you the whole story in one paragraph"  Nice.

Props for not giving up, but I can't give this a high score, sorry.

F***, just, f-f-f***!

You f***ing win this competition. All the applause, the praise, the love, just take it! TAKE IT ALL!

*Sniff-Sniff* It's fiction like this that gives a f***ing kid's show like MLP serious depth. And written in just three days? You're not only a beast at writing, but a beast at story-telling as well. Ugh, my mind is so gripped in love and sadness and daaaww and so many other emotions, I can't think straight! Just, just, *applauds wildly*. There, have that. That's the best I can do under these circumstances that your wonderful near-immaculate story put me in.

I need a moment alone. Still other stories to read, but... *Heave*. SO DAMN GOOD! Wah ah ah ah ah

Same as above regarding your opening hook. That wasn't an opening sentence, that was a war crime.

I liked this a lot. I didn't even notice the above commenter's narration issue save for isolated moments.

I don’t wanna be.

Huh, it worked…

Language like this is a letdown, especially the second. That was a special moment and should have had some weight.

Luna's struggle was believable, and her interaction with Celestia equally so. Well done.

I want to like this, but it's got deep problems that really knock it down a peg.

I agree with the above poster about the first person character. We hear about the Empress who rules him, about his role on the team, he gets some personality, and then none of it ends up mattering. The entire first part should be cut down to a few paragraphs.

I love the ambiguity about who the Queen is but I see how it might lose readers. Not getting it results in "okay, now we're back to Twilight and Celestia... Why?" in the training scene. Something should be done to, say, anchor the scene in Twilight's time, for example.

"Lulu" was very nicely done.

The ending sucked.

This was wasted potential. Do better next time.

Not sure how I feel about the characterization. On the one hoof, Mr. and Mrs. Cake really aren't sounding or acting much at all like they do in the show. On the other, this OOC-ness is 120% justified, given the financial hardships, and the untold stress this puts on emotions, marriages, relations with Pinkie and Bonbon, etc. Happy Pinkie felt pretty solid, and I felt sufficient dread for Mr. Cake needing to break the news to her. Sad Pinkie was a little underwhelming, though. She didn't really have much of a reaction in front of Mr. Cake, aside from nostalgia; this scene could probably be stretched. I'm not saying she had to flip out or anything but maybe more tears, or some pleading, or "you don't want me in your family anymore?" questions... stuff to up the heart-wrenching of that scene. Dunno, just ideas.

I did like the Mr.-Cake-chasing-after-Pinkie section. With Mrs. Cake's threat looming, and Pinkie always being one step ahead, and everypony telling him to give up, it really built toward the looming sense that Mr. Cake might fail. I did take a little issue with Pinkie's stops (minus Twilight, perhaps) revolving around reemployment. My sense is that she'd be far more distraught over losing her "family" more than losing her paycheck. But it was a necessary consession to reach the climax in a timely manner.

As for the climax, it felt a little too "crafted", I guess. Pinkie immediately found a new employer that was twice as good. Mr. Cake couldn't offer her anything but love. Pinkie accepts. Then Bonbon fixes all of their financial woes, at her own expense and ignoring protests from Lyra. Eh. I'm not suggesting that Pinkie had to decline or anything that extreme, but it all just felt a bit too perfect.

It was good. An interesting look at ponies pushed to the edge by financial strife; not something you see often in Equestria. It just required a bit too much suspension of disbelief, and didn't fully pull me in.

You had me worried there for a minute:

his tie had been cut

Oh brother.

“Jacob, keep your shirt on!”

Da-dum chshhh!!

At first I thought this was just a really corny story, but then it was Pinkie Pie telling it and I was like "okay this is actually pretty good"

Then Rarity's house

That was it. absolutely perfect. I'm dying over here.

nice job author. can't wait to see this published

Ehehe, flashbacks of S2E3. "I don't have any issues with Applejack." I like it.

This... Oh dear, this is bleak. Good bleak. Dystopic bleak. An AppleDash fan's worst nightmare bleak. The whole sense of dullness, day-after-day monotony, a relationship that lost its spark, Dash having her mind elsewhere and not appreciating Twi's meddling nor AJ's sameness... Dang. It all seems perfectly plausible too, given Dash's free-spiritedness and AJ's traditional values.

Especially in light of the circumstances, Rainbow feels delightfully in-character. The lack of focus, a mix of denial and insecurity, blaming others before herself, the whole business of brushing Twilight off at first but later deciding maybe she'll give it another try but just once.

“Me? I’m happy because we don’t have to lie to each other or anyone else, and if we are messed up as a couple, at least we won’t ever be able to...

I... oof. In the context of everything else, oof.

And then MFW that line becomes relevant again at the end.

Bravo, sir and/or madam, this was a delightful read. In addition to all of the above, you really managed the essence of this largely being RD's fault, without her really being able to recognize it herself. Yet all the while, she felt sympathetic and justified. I could completely empathize with her rage all throughout, even while seeing the cues in other ponies which she herself was missing.

My biggest critique, and most frustrating one, is adherance to the prompt. This story is an introspection of a damaged tie, with an optimistic ending.

All-in-all, though, I loved it. Thanks for sharing!

"You must realize that I have acquired a certain... taste. A taste for&#151;"

Also a taste for unparsed XML emdashes

Is the MC just "Green"? For a pony, I was sorta expecting a second word in the name. "Green" by itself didn't strike me as ponyish. Loooks like she's part of the Apple family, so presumably "Green Apple", but so far no one (narrator included) has called her that.

All of the children except Green raised their arms. The teacher smirked and pointed to her. “Green.”

“Exactly,” she said smugly.

Wow, the teacher is a dick

The next week, the shack door was locked.

This small scene felt particularly rushed.

Hmm, I was certainly caught off-guard with the ending. Between Palmer's dire "would you sacrifice everything?" questioning, and all of the lead-up into the free-fall, not to mention the title, I was sort of anticipating cutie mark, then splat. Which could've been poignant, though not very ponyish I suppose. Still, your ending did carry a good vibe of an earth pony overcoming their limitations. And I suppose with you presenting so many cues that this would end in failure, then pulling out an epic dive at the end, you sucessfully subverted expectations, which is always good.

Fridge horror: how did Palmer get the "Never give up on your dreams" letter on top of Green's bed? No wonder Apple Brown Betty didn't want Green hanging around him.

>>767887767887

Only shades?  There are literally DOZENS of clues.  Many structurings I rarely see used outside of his work, along with a handful of tell-tale favorite words cropping up a few more times than would be normal.

I was pretty darn convinced already, but the admiral?  That put a huge nail in the coffin.  That particular pony, piloting an airship?

The icing on the damnable identity cake is that there's only one author in the fandom who can make me shed a tear.

The love and awe is actually starting to curdle into jealousy.  Why can't I have talent like that?  

>>777598777598

Also, I would like to add that the opening line reminded me of the opening line from EoP in their simplicity, for some reason.

But Apple Bloom had hitched herself to the stump of the problem before Applejack had a chance.

Her barely-contained disrespect didn't escape Granny's notice, but the poor young mare's heart seemed to be in the right place and at least she didn't walk out in a huff.

I'm interested in the story so far, but the narrator isn't doing it for me. I guess it's attempting to sound like a fellow member of the Apple family? Just seems distracting for a third-person omniscient narrator, but that's my personal take.

But before reaching any of that, the very first thing they passed outside the kitchen door was the new terraced garden that Applejack had been building with her sister.

I... wait, huh? So we got to Ponyville and you described the setting there, but JK, let's back up to Sweet Apple Acres again, and now a flashback? Strike the Ponyville paragraph, at minimum.

Rainbow Dash had a terribly boring and not at all exciting day to look forward to.

Or I guess the narrator is matching the pony we're following? First AJ, then Twi, now Dash? I like the idea conceptually, but even for Dash (especially for Dash?) the narrator just seems overly wordy and padded.

She knew at once she'd stepped in it.

Socially inept Dash is best Dash.

The search for clues wasn't as productive as Twilight had hoped...

The next four paragraphs here are just telling. Would be better to weave this into the narrative. Or considering that this is right when Dash reappears, does this section even add anything? Doesn't seem like anything meaningful happened while Dash was gone. Maybe you could cut all of that out, and pick up again as Dash arrives in Sweet Apple Acres with her scouting intel.

"Canterlot," Applejack said.

"I'd say that's a reasonable psychological model," Twilight said, impressed.

LOL. Monty Python reference, yes?

>bivouacked

ಠ_ಠ

I loved the Plan. AJ is a party pooper. The Plan totally would've worked.

MFW PINKIE PIE. Okay, author, I admit it, you got me good there. As I reread all of the narrator bits I was objecting to, I now realize it was just Pinkie being Pinkie. I... this... hmm.

Suddenly, literal prompt.

So hmm, positives and negatives. Apple Bloom's quest, and the motivation for her quest, was really sweet. I really like how you portrayed the main characters, particularly RD and Twi. Once I figured out what the hay was up with the narrator, her quirks were kinda cute. This is one of those "would really enjoy it on a reread, now that I know the twist" stories. Plus, the narrator twist certainly gets points for originality. There were a lot of things in this fic that I liked.

On the other hoof, this is by far my longest review for the competition so far. Nearly every stream-of-conscious comment is a gripe related to the narrator, directly or indirectly. Every documented gripe can be effectively hoof-waved in hindsight, because Pinkie Pie. This is simultaneously amusing and frustrating. It also begs the question, what if I'd gotten fed up and bailed before the Pinkie Pie reveal? It's also hard to judge this, because things that I'd normally dock points for—confusingness, telling, readability—these all turn into "not sure if crappy narrator, or really good Pinkie Pie". For now, all I can say with certainty is that it was quite an intriguing twist; props for going all-the-way with it. Now excuse me while I try to figure out what score to give this.

EDIT: quote from author from /fic/: "This is gonna be the kind of story that folks either love or hate, hate, hate."

LOL. Bless you, you crazy son-of-a-gun.

Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.

I especially loved the repetition. "My name was Razzle Dazzle, and..."

This could've been done better with less telling, but your format prevented you from doing that in a lot of ways. You told a wonderful story with a nice build-up and a really amazing "oh... whoa" moment.

One major complaint.

You should slice like three paragraphs off the intro. That was just too much EMO EMO EMO EMO without getting to the point.

The only reason I have to be sad here is that Pip is dying. That's not a good thing. Just making a pitiable character in a pitiable situation is not a good way to give me feels. Your technical writing was not the best or this actually might have worked. Dialogue was choppy and flow was frequently off.

There were two good things about this story. First, I like how you spent much of the story building Luna. Yes some of what you went for were bad ideas, but unlike the above commenter I really liked the Pangaea story.

Second, I like how Luna feels about death. She can't promise that she'll meet Pip in the next world; she'll never see the next world. I think that the theme of death and how Luna feels about death should've been the main point here.

Otherwise, sorry, feels were not delivered.

>>777598777598

You're right of course. On the first read, I somehow managed to convince myself that this was an imitator, but the more I think about the more strongly I realise the obvious truth.

And it begins with a dialogue punctuation error. Take a look at this for help with that stuff.

It's spelt "Rainbow Dash".

This piece is confusing and hard to follow. You've got a lot of ideas and they're all pretty jumbled up. Your writing isn't bad (bar occasional wordy wastes like "ability to control the gem market enabled her to become rich"), but I get the feeling that this was rushed to point of being totally incoherent. You're missing a lot of necessary setup, and I lack the will to puzzle out what actually happened in this story.

(obligatory two space comment hardly applies to the DQed)

Tactical's right about the first scene with Rarity dragging on too long. It was lukewarm compared to the rest of the fic.

Her handwriting

Something to fix later.

I don't read shipping pretty much as a rule, but this was captivating. I liked how the ending revealed that Fluttershy was in the exact same situation as Twi. That's some cute dramatic irony.

Agreeing with Tactical about the transitions. Otherwise, this was good. Nice job, author.

Fics where Applebloom runs away: 2

Fics mostly narrated by Pinkie Pie: 2

Fics where ties (or TIE fighters) are literally cut: 6

Cute Phineas and Ferb reference.

Mixed feelings about this one. I'm not sure how Pinkie the narration is, given that a lot of the telly padding was kinda boring, and Pinkie's not boring. I think to really get that Pinkie voice down, you need to have her make a few of those crazy logical leaps she does in SSnE's fics and the pacing should probably be a bit speedier. I quite liked Thanqol's execution of it in The Old Stories, bar the meta stuff.

I'd recommend starting the fic with Applejack and Apple Bloom scene, because the flashback is a little temporally disorientating, and because it would make the ending mirror the beginning quite nicely. Maybe I just don't pay enough attention, but I temporally forgot about the flashback near the end of the story and was wondering why Applebloom had to go to Canterlot in the first place.

This was a nice little story though, don't get me wrong. It's very pony, and that's something I really appreciate. Just cut out some of the excess wording and info.

Twisting and giving hidden meanings to events in canon is something I like to see in fanfic – it lends the episodes themselves more depth. I liked how you worked with that.

"There are different kinds of love" is a great moral, and I'm glad you went this route instead of writing a regular shipfic. I've always kinda found Twilestia a little weird and creepy, so some black and bitter part of me enjoys seeing it shot down.

I have no comments on the writing, because it flowed well enough for me to not even notice anything technical. Good job, author.

Wow, a Luna fic – didn't think I'd be seeing one of these again. I'm gettin' all nostalgic.

Lose the Day/Night Princess thing. Don't know why you even did that – you seem perfectly capable of using names and pronouns reasonably everywhere else.

You need to put spaces after your ellipses... this is a problem a lot of these fics have, but I can't remember which ones.

going about their daily routines

This is a hoary old cliche.

Your characterisation was great and this was a very sweet story, but I can't really get excited about it. Perhaps it's the meandering nature of the fic, or perhaps it's because sad Luna being comforted and becoming less sad isn't particularly original, or maybe I've got brain problems. Nonetheless, this was well put together and again, great characterisation. Maybe this just isn't my thing.

Between her mother’s pleas and his father veiled threat, Rainbow capitulated.

Mid-sentence sex change, what fun!

“Hey, dweeb. You seriously considering to be an egghead?”

considering to be

No-one talks like that.

How do you plan into getting Cloudsdale University if you cannot even master the simple art of algebra?

No-one talks like that.

Your character dialogue is urgh, Rainbow's father is completely unbelievable as a character, and the writing has a few too many errors. It's a generically titled generic sadfic that telegraphs its ending in pretty much the first scene. I didn't like this.

This didn't lose me once in 20k words.

I don't cry. Ever. But I'm crying.

>>778102778102

Nice guide. It's nice to see all the rules laid out like that.

This certainly did a nice job considering the time restrictions, as it set up a nice little mystery, had an energetic climax, a few interesting twists and turns. I did feel that the story did suffer a bit because of the time restrictions, though. I sort of agreed with Gumshoe at the end; he didn't really get to do much of value, aside from that one bit where he figured out the curse's weakness. Golden Shield's notebook dropped a lot onto Gumshoe's plate, and sort of deflated his own accomplishments. I don't know how else you could've done a mystery like this in as few of words without lucking upon a notebook, so again, you did a good job within this contest. All I'm saying is, with more time and more words, I trust you could make a more complex and engaging mystery. Sequel, perhaps?

Gumshoe was surprisingly well defined. On reading, he felt a little monotone and repeated the same few topics. (Like above, bigger wordcount would've meant less frequent repetition of wondering if Celestia was watching, which would've been less grating on the reader, especially when meeting Tia at the end made that theme pay off.) But looking back, it all tied into his own insecurities and uncertainty, which got addressed as a point in the final scene with Celestia. So I give you points for defining Gumshoe without ever really needing to have blatant paragraphs of character description.

Every character else just seemed like a set piece, though. The next-best defined character in my mind was possibly Stakeout. Star Shine had his bits, to be sure, but they only really came about post-reveal. Everypony else just felt one-dimensional. They had their info to give, they gave it, they disappeared. Didn't really leave a lasting impression.

I liked it. Author made good on a complex plot under a time crunch. I was initially leery that the story didn't feel pony enough, but it held my interest. I would like to see what this author is capable of without a time constraint.

So Author, I know you're not pleased with this one. And yes, there's a lot of telling, emo at the start, and purple prose, and the execution fell a bit flat. However. Don't be too quick to bury the entire thing. I really liked the premise of the main character here! There's a lot of powerful drama to be had in a pony who finds out that their entire life is a stack of lies, especially when they're the dealer. This could be worth revisiting in a second attempt.

Like, not meaning to steal a page from Memento, but you could start at the end. Have the main character head to her parents' house. Then return to Ponyville. Then return to the theater where Sunbeam was. The reader gets to unearth the past along with the main character, and share in her disgust and horror as she learns her own truth.

Or maybe, a scene with Razzle Dazzle, then a scene with Foggy, etc etc. All of these characters/scenes feel unrelated, then you pull the M. Night Shyamalan at the end.

Just saying! The execution may have floundered a bit, but there was a really solid character idea in there, so don't sell yourself short.

>>783058783058

It's funny that you would suggest writing a backwards Trixie fic, because... well, read this.

Training Montage, ahaha!

This was cute. Had a lot of laughs. Plenty of Luna-not-getting-the-present-day-idioms jokes; even though there were many of them, I didn't find it to be grating or anything, since all of them were quite good.

Regarding characterization, I know that people often take liberties with the Tia/Luna relationship. Luna worked for me; there was enough canon in there, and your own interpretations on top of that were amusing and contributed. For Tia... she served the role that she needed to play for the story, but I didn't really recognize her as Celestia. She just sorta seemed to be doing her own comedic thing as the story dictated. I'm not saying you need to be a slave to the predefined Celestia archetypes, but the lack of her acting in a recognizable manner gave me suspension-of-disbelief issues. Though, maybe I just haven't read enough Tia/Luna fics.

The ending felt a bit too long, perhaps.

Overall I enjoyed it. Plenty of laughs.

>>778070778070

I've read one chapter from Background Pony and End of Ponies, and could tell this was SSnE's writing. Then again, twenty thousand words is a lot of room to figure it out. I think when you consider how few people could write that many words in a weekend, the answer becomes obvious.

Still, this is the first work I've truly read by SSnE, and I have to say I'm impressed. Background Pony and End of Ponies both managed to disengage me somewhere early on, but this story never once managed to lose my attention. It largely had to do with the more rapid scene transitions, and following the rule of "entering a scene late, and leaving it early" which your other stories did not follow as much. I noticed the punctuation derps, as pointed out above. I also noticed you seem to have 'immaculate' as your crutch word. It showed up a total of seven times in the story in just 20k words.

Electro-somethings are what ponies crave.

I guess you're missing a few hyphens and people don't really "reside" as judges on competitions? This doesn't have any flaws that slap me in the face.

Celestia's really representing in this write-off. This was an amusing fic well told, and your Luna was great. I groaned at the Training Montage bit. Good job, author.

Another good one. It's a little odd that Pinkie went searching for another job so soon, but it makes sense in terms of the plot.

There's a very pony moral here about asking for help when you need it and not creating imaginary rivalries. Nice work.

As he left, the sound of ripping fabric and cries of alarm in response to his glowing black horn, informed him that the professors’ ties had successfully been cut.

ಠ_ಠ

unrelenting abilities

I, er, ugh. I think you want a different word here.

A thundering boom rang out from seemingly nowhere, followed soon after by an explosion of magic from the lecture hall where the entrance exams were being held. A dragon’s head burst through the roof of the building, as glowing sparks of magic continued to radiate from the area. They both looked up in disbelief. Who dared challenge the magical prowess of Phantomage the Unstoppable?

What the hell just happened? This, combined with the following dialogue, makes about as much sense as a rabbi wearing loafers.

felt himself becoming intangible

He... felt himself becoming... intangible? I... ugh.

There was the sound of ripping fabric as his tie, aided by a black aura, tore itself in two, from top to bottom.

ಠ_ಠ

“You... you’re Celestia’s personal... protégé?” Pariah asked.

Did that r63 spell mess with your memory or something, Phantomage?

Okay, at the start of this story, I was really into it. I got a few laughs out of Phantomage's antics.

Celestia should have played more as a proper trickster, leading Phantomage on into hilarious situations. What the hell is this "Troll spell" nonsense? You could have had some good chemistry between the two, and at the start you did... then it just went to crap.

Pariah sucks. She's too introspective. She's not funny. I don't know what she wants. At first she was apparently okay with her new form, and then she goes and raids the school, and then she goes and asks Twilight for a reversal spell? What the hell? This mare is mad. Phantomage was funny. Bring him back.

You often use big words incorrectly. I suggest you keep a dictionary handy and take a look at it whenever you go to use a word that you only have a tenuous grasp of.

The start of this story had Phantomage wanting to become a student in PCSGU. Keep that as your main plot device. This should have been a comedy. It started that way; keep it that way. The second half of the story was just extreme mood whiplash, and it left me very disappointed, because the first half's tone was enjoyable. You got me into a funny mood, then threw at me a bunch of weird events that just left me going "wat".

Play around with Celestia-Phantomage interactions. Make her more of a trickster. You could have a good, funny story here.

Use italics for emphasis. Bold is a little garish.

You've got some missing words, but that's to be expected, what with the time limit. Didn't notice any other faults.

This was depressing, but cautiously optimistic at the end. It's really not the sort of fic I could see myself reading ordinarily, but I think it did a good job of characterising RD and showing a realistic stale relationship scenario. The prompt wasn't really used, I don't think, but that's all I can come up with to criticise about this. Good job.

I'm liking how many of these really solid pieces we have in this write-off. If this is what you guys can come up with in a weekend, I'm sure you're even better without deadlines.

And it opens with "Celestia's sun". Bury that cliche when you revise this, author. ...In fact, lose the whole opening paragraph. Irrelevant weather report is irrelevant.

It was better to have the upper hand with these situations

Oh, he’s a hired hand

Remove all instances of "the fact that". It's a hideous, wasteful construction.

You'll want to use en dashes (–) instead of hyphens (Alt+0150), but it's not the biggest of deals. On that note, it's refreshing to see some Commonwealth spellings. =)

It's earth pony (as in mud pony), not "Earth pony".

Well, this one was... odd. It felt rushed, so rushed that I'm inclined to say the it's more an outline than a proper story and that it should be extended, but I'm not really sure exactly how much longer you can make such a silly story without it overstaying its welcome. Longer than this, certainly, but not too long. I'm reminded a little of that one (epic) Kids Next Door episode.

The Gummy thing was kinda weird and random, and I didn't care for the pervy villain lady – I think she'd be more appropriate for a story that's not My Little Pony fanfiction. The tie puns were cute, but this still needs more jokes.

Stories where ties (or TIEs) get cut: 7

The other commenters have said what needs to be said.

Maybe you didn't intend this, but I think it's cute that you dumped us into the idea of AJ and Dash actually being married and expected us to accept it, because AppleDash is so ubiquitous. A slight meta aspect, you might say.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome's not the best way to tell us what characters look like.

This was a really cool, interesting idea. Your execution doesn't quite do it justice, but there's still a lot to like about this. It's probably one of the few fics about future Equestria that's not post-apocalyptic =P.

I was taken aback by how Twilight's friends also turned into alicorns. That didn't seem justified and kinda came out of nowhere.

The ending retroactively made the rest of the fic a bit of a let down. I'd only get feels from the protag bowing down to the statue with tears in his eyes if there had been more flashbacks, maybe about Twilight's reign. But then again, that might have made the fic unfocused, so maybe you're better off changing the ending. I'm not sure.

Good work nonetheless. I love these kinds of fics.

Even’in.

*Evenin'

This felt a lot like Blue is Better from the last write-off, and like with in that fic, I think you've reversed the DT and SS dynamic that we see in the show – but not quite. And yet... I guess there could be evidence for things working this way? "Cutie Mark Confidential" kinda works against it, but arguments could certainly be made.

That ending was fantastic. I wasn't expecting it at all. Great job, author.

Phew, finally done with these. Now to vote!

I had no problems with the transitions, personally, and I didn't mind the Rarity part's length either. You did melancholy well enough that it wasn't flat-out emo, and those snippets of her thoughts were a nice touch. Hmm, TwiShy is actually real sweet when I look at it. A good story most definitely.

The ending made me think of There She Is!!, so I award you a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkBe06huhio

Run to her, Twilight.

concious

Get yourself a spellchecker. That should have a big red squiggly line jump out right up at you.

untightened

There's a word for that.

Yeah, there's not much to say here. This was a mediocre opening, and that last paragraph was obviously a last-ditch attempt to make an ending from nowhere—while also being not very funny.

Put more effort in next time.

Ezn was right about this story having promise and needing expansion. Still, I liked the opening, Green's determination, and the ending. The story overall also made me think of To The Moon, and any story that does that is fine by me in my book. Cheers

Well this made my night; it's the kind of silliness I whole-heartedly support! While "Never" gives MLP serious depth, this story gives it added amusement (Now I wish there were actual umbrella fights in the show. Ah well)

A most enjoyable story, and with an ending bordering on daaww-worthy. Good job!

Okay, so! Before I open this up, the elephant in the room: most people have a hunch who the author is. I didn't exactly help with the speculating, and for that I apologize. Still, a bunch of these reviews are saying that the alleged author's writing quirks are blatant in here, even to the point of deliberate cameos. In the spirit of an anonymous writing competition, as a voter it would've been far more enjoyable to compare this apples-to-apples to other fics, without having the looming thought of "This is probably Mr. X". I don't know if that's fair—to ask someone to write a fraction of their capable wordcount, and eliminate every single quirk of theirs, in a timed competition, just for the sake of anonymity—but such as it is. Luckily for me, I haven't read the alleged author before, so I should hopefully be able to remain objective.

But enough talk! Have at you! *opens fic*

>after first scene break

I was braced for purple, but this is exhausting to read . Especially when I hit lines like:

when he spoke it was as if thunder was rolling backwards into the heavens.

Brony what does that even mean. It feels like this is being purple for the sake of being purple. I dunno, this fic may simply be Not For Me™.

While this opening scene may very well be central to the plot, having crying filly Tia and a dying friend in paragraph #1 feels a bit manipulative.

Celestia looked up at her. “I do not think I quite read you.”

Hehe, I hear ya, sister. While you are trying to convey the differences between past Tia/Luna and present Tia/Luna via their speech patterns, and while the "present" appears that it may-or-may-not be beyond T.Sparkle's era, their present-day speech is a bit... pontiferous and loquacious The past sections are pretty readable at least.

Also, beyond the first scene, either things have become less purple, or I've gotten accustomed to it. If the former, you might want to tone down the first section a bit, so that it's not as jarring of a start.

MFW Felicity was an alicorn for a paragraph.

“Will you... Will you b-be here when I wake up...?”

Okay, I'm getting a legitimate feel here.

“Adjust your course. The Dawnmist is heading south.”

So. I was unable to finish that scene in one sitting. I'd guestimate I cried for 6-7 minutes or so, before I could resume. Jesus, dude.

Oh, c'mon, the connection to the theme was evident. You didn't need to name-drop it at the end like that, silly. lyra_oh_you.png

Thematically, the scene with Celestia and Nova was a sweet and appropriate end, but her flowery speeches at the end there killed it for me.

Oookay. So. What can I say? Clearly, you're awesome, you win, I'm gonna read your other fics, so on and so forth. The fact that you pulled this off in a weekend—between its length, its character study of Celestia and Luna, its weaving into canonical history as we know it, and the emotional impact of the ending—is pretty damn astounding. Regarding my opening point about brevity for the sake of anonymity, this story wouldn't have been nearly as effective in 6k words.

Skimming back, the first scene is unquestionably more purple than any other scene in the fic. It makes me wonder why you'd start with such an unwelcoming format for your hook. Comparing it to some of the scenes I enjoyed the most (the Glowing Jade scene comes to mind), I notice things like less emphasis on description, plainer speaking language, a better pacing perhaps. I can't know for sure why you wrote these scenes in differing styles, but I'd strongly recommend the latter. It was frustrating to feel myself being pulled into your fic per the strengths listed above, while simultaneously fighting an uphill battle against your prose itself.

I didn't feel any sort of emotion related to any of the deaths, save one. Perhaps that was intentional, mirroring the whole inspection-of-immortality theme. For the last death, I'd like to trust myself that it was due to Celestia's embracement of a proper emotional balance, and the tenderness of the farewell, and not merely the fact of who it was that died.

I was a bit confused on one point. It wasn't clear to me what the purpose of the Rite of a Master's Journey was. Well I mean, yes, it was created to help Celestia from feeling heartache. But a final farewell is a final farewell, is it not? And the student would eventually perish one way or another. It wasn't very clear to me how this setup (e.g. for Felicity) was significantly better for Celestia than beforehand. I also got a bit confused with Twilight's Rite, where Celestia was performing a teleportation. If I understand correctly, Celestia was just returning to Canterlot? That line about "severing ties" almost made me think that Celestia was teleporting Twilight off to the boonies, which made zero sense in light of their discussions on friendship in that scene. It took me a reread or two for it to click into place.

Still though, while this piece had a few weaknesses, it was truly powerful. Thank you so much for sharing!