So much win.

Did you pair AJ up twice?

>>768763768763

Yes IT did.

I seriously want some author to completely give us a plot twist in a story like this. You should definitely have the next chapter:

And then she jumped and died.

The End.

"...when I have the time and caffeine."

XD Gotta remember that one. This story is really nice, and now I feel obliged to read your other fanfics too

Aw god, this is pretty sad. I think you could have been slightly more poetic in describing Rainbow's depression, but the party flashback was very well done and insanely detailed. Lots of hard work into this, you put. Heh heh. Yoda.

Anyways, I think if this is your first attempt at sad, it is quite good, especially for a first chapter. Besides that, the whole story from the part where they said Rainbow was pregnant I was like, "No. No. Oh gawd, what if the baby died? What if Soarin' left? Oh gawd." And then you did it. You dropped that whole bomb and got me all

I think this is developing very well. If you keep up on it, you'll see a lot more supporters!

>>768824768824 the pain from the stones piercing her body was excruciating but was nothing compared to her emotional pain.

Amazing story, please continue!

Well, I'm not usually one to get depressed over Fanfics, but this one and My Little Dashie are a few that are excused from that fact.

Great work. Very detailed, very well written. Also, the emotions you conjure up are like those of that are in the actual show.

I seriously hope you finish this soon, because I don't believe I can wait much longer for another chapter.

-Storm

Other than AJ being paired up with two ponies, unless that was intentional, wonderful start.

Now, make more before we sick Fluttershy on you.

... Rarity and Applejack and Topsoil. Woot. THis is great, and well thought out-I'm excited for mre.

Ugh what the fluff she better not jump

Brony... that was deep...

Some sentences are awkward, you seem to 'tell' rather than show at certain points which DOES detract from the story, dialogue tags aren't done properly... all in all, mediocre story. Better than what 60% of this site can muster up, but I won't be following it. Learn from your mistakes and improve!

Best of luck,

Carmine.

I'd like to start off by saying that the revelation at the end was extremely well done. Even though something to that effect was telegraphed from very early on, it was still very emotionally impacting and the manner in which you presented it was excellently done. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the way you handled the sections of Rainbow on the cliff was very well done. Both provided a basis for Rainbow's mindset and both added to her conflict and her character.

That being said, the party flashback felt like I was simply being hit with a frying pan of exposition with every sentence with little to no set up for much of the barrage of, at times, shocking information being thrown at the reader. While I think Carmine might have been a bit harsh, there's something to be said for the showing vs telling. The exposition at times seems to be done for its own sake without anything to back it up, and actions that seem only tangentially related to what's being said at the time. It kind of makes the dialogue very blunt and forced and makes Rainbow's inner monologue and flashbacks very stilted and full of "Here's information you need to know".

Honestly there are flashes of brilliance here, and overall its fairly well done. The flashbacks within the flashback creates a very odd sense of what's actually happening at the party, which if you were to remove Rainbow's inner flashbacks is very little. I think that this could have benefited at lot from simply having more description of the party and the interactions of the people at the party. Having two characters show information or discover information instead of it being narrated will tend to operate a lot smoother and there's actually very little interaction to work from here. The vast majority of the party we spend inside Rainbow's head. Which at times is useful and at other times is simply talking at the reader.

I think the concept is interesting and, again, in the scenes where Rainbow is literally on her own (which you even spent letting her discover the memories and events, as with the party dragging the sadder memories back to her) the writing is very well done. You may disagree with any of my opinions as they are simply my opinions, but I do think there's some validity to it and I hope you'll at least consider it and think on these things, even if you do choose to disregard them in the end.

Good luck to you.

-Duskrider

This was really good so far; keep up the good work!

>>768763768763 AJ's no one trick pony

>>768824768824 He? I hope that's a typo..

>>768912768912 Aw, thanks, I wasn't sure if I got the sadness of it up to a proper level or not

>>768993768993 Since you asked nicely

>>769091769091 Wow, you have no idea how much you just brightened my mood by comparing this to something like MLD I'm literally torn between and Like happy crying or something.

>>769096769096 I actually didn't see it till I had posted it for submission, but due to a lack of caffeine at the time, I decided to let it slide. Not to worry, I have a plan for AJ. And please don't sick 'Shy on me

>>769258769258 Pleading the 5th

>>769537769537 Thank you very much

>>769578769578 Awwwwwww, you killed my happiness!

I'm kidding, I greatly, greatly appreciate it. I do hope you'll give me another chance though, I was a bit distracted by the not so soothing sounds of cows when I wrote this, don't ask, but now I am back at my peaceful city home and have the proper tools to write my next chapter. Dialogue tags? Sleep deprivation induced stupidity at work

>>770302770302 You know, it's people like you that make me...

Want to improve myself as much as possible , and I don't think Carmine was harsh, he was just telling me what he thought, as did you, for which I'm am extremely grateful. While I hate you for making me read a huuuuuuuuuuuuge post, I love you for you tips and advice. I never disregard any comments, unless their completely ridiculous or obviously biased or hateful. I really appreciate the helpful criticism that you and Carmine provided, I will take both of your offerings of sound advice to heart and try my best to improve the quality of my work.

>>770810770810 Thank you, I will do all within in my power to make you cry!

That might have come out wrong..

>>771656771656 I was thinking of writing a Fic like this not too long ago, about the Mane 6.

Not sure if i should continue it now, since I have the motivation from this story, or if I should drop it since this fic popped up.

Decisions, decisions!

Well, if I'm going to, I might as well ask for your permission, to make a counter part to this. May I?

-Storm

>>771705771705 Not my call, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead!

But I can has a credits?

>>771729771729 Personally, I prefer to get permission from authors of fics I try to write counterparts to.

I'll definitely give you credit. It would be rude if i didn't, wouldn't it?

Anyways, I'll keep you posted about it, right after I finish the grueling Fallout: Equestria project I'm working on now. A whole lot of Caffeine and Rockstars went into that book, and I intend to finish it. But directly Afterwards, I'll start on the counterpart.

Also, thanks!

-Storm

>>771768771768 Caffeine, thank Celestia for that beautiful invention

>>771818771818 Eeyup. With out that invention, I would be lost.

Anyway, Time for this Brony to hit the Hay (Oh the Puns)

Sadly, I am without my coffee maker at this moment, so writing will have to wait.

Good night Everypony!

-Storm

My baby died so I'm gonna kill myself... What? I understand it's bad. Not suicide bad, though. A like for your efforts.

>>771656771656 I suppose if you don't think it was harsh than all the more good for you. I know I would have been insulted and incensed, so I am impressed you are not.

As for me, I am confused as to why I make you . There was never any intention of making you angry, in fact I really fail to see what it is that would make you angry in the first place. For whatever it is I apologize, though please let me know what it is.

'Til then.

-Duskrider

>>771656771656

Sorry, fixed it for you.

>>771656771656 Puuurfect!

>>772018772018 It ain't done yet..

>>772708772708 The was a joke, I just forgot to put a in the next sentence, I'm not mad at all, people like you and carmine just make me want to do better.

>>772833772833 Psh, I didn't really care

>>773093773093 Thank you?

>>772018772018 I disagree....you lose everything you ever loved and have....yes. she should jump, after all, if you lost your mate and friends and even more so your heart and soul then you have nothing else to live for.

As for the story, I LOVE how Rainbow Dash has to deal with depression, it's one of my favorites.....maybe you should have Death speak to her as well...I'll be tracking this and hoping to get an amazaing read...hope she jumps and does not bail out with her wings at the last second.

>>773805773805 Earnestly I'd like nothing more than for you to succeed and be your best. And seeing the Pinkie icon does let that statement make a lot more sense.

I'm glad that you found my critiques helpful, and I can only hope that they help you grow. I'll certainly be checking back on this, because its an interesting premise (and if you'd prefer me not to publicly comment, just let me know and I'll just message them).

'Til the next, to Esperance.

-Duskrider

then why cant rainbow dash just try to have another foal?

Hahaha, yay! Im so excited for the next part, hope it will be just as good!

>>773805773805

That's not...I.....arghhhhhhh...

.....just........  nevermind...

>>774040774040 Death... speak to her?

>>774278774278 Meh, I don't care where you leave your comments

>>774769774769 Oh yes, my baby's dead. Well I can just make another, no emotional turmoil here, just baby making.

>>774844774844 Truth be told, so do I

>>774871774871

>>777743777743 Yes......Death would come to her in a physical form (in this case maybe a pony, does not matter which) his/her horn (if sh/he has one) shaped like a scythe and consumed by a black robe, Death would then tempt me as to why all these events in her life is leading to her death and will promised her in a emotionless tone that he will take her soul to the afterlife....we always see death when we die, Rainbow shouldbe no different.

>>778442778442

We always see death when we die? How much experience do you have in this? I would figure that you only get to find that out once and it kinda precludes telling anyone else about it.

>>778626778626 I was near death when I met the grim reaper (no joke) he told me that everything in life comes at a price and that he would come back for my soul at another time.....therefore all creatures who beathe life will one day have to face death weather they wish to or not, it has nothing to do with religion but the fact that Rainbow should have to face up to her own sins.

>>778704778704

I did figure that you would be going there in that, and obviously each near death experience is different and what you take away from it, nobody could argue. But I would say this, there's nothing saying we all meet death, some say they see a bright light, others see their own life, other's hear a soothing voice, me personally I just myself on the ground and then woke up in the hospital. Nothing saying that we all see death, take from your experience what you will.

>>778704778704

>>779040779040

The last time I was in a near death experience, I just saw myself, an older, more tired looking me, but still myself. I guess hearing all that stuff from myself made more sense that a creep in a robe or a bright light or something like that.

>>779040779040 True but either way you face something that is uncertain and not very normal.....wather it be an older version of yourself, or death itself, you still see an uncertain furture...and that scares you more then you will ever let on to others.>>781156781156 Don't tell me you can deny fear?

>>781304781304

It doesn't necessarily scare, not everyone is so afraid of the unknown nor of death. Assumptions, assumptions are rarely universal. Of course we see things through our own filters, but rarely do these hold true to everyone. Between various cultures, outlooks, and whatnot, these things do not apply universally.

>>781349781349 You make a valid point but you can't tell me you would not be scared shitless seeing a skelton (spelled that wrong) wearing a black robe and holding a brown wooden, sliver bladed scythe in its right hand now would you? (Or would it be hoof, paw, talon ect for the animals in this case?)

>>781349781349

>>781364781364

Funny, I thought he/she/it would have obsidian handle, not wood. Maybe that's just me, and I don't deny fear, I have fears, some may be irrational, but they are there. I just don't let it rule my life.

>>781411781411 Hmm......you know, you could be right. I was to busy knowing that MY SOUL was going to be sent to the afterlife to care and be judged for my sins...but that's another story for another time.

And I have to agree with you on that, allowing it to rule your life would harm no one but yourself, ya heard me? Anyway, I was just giving you a suggestion, but I really enjoyed the talk gentlecolts/mares.

And my previous concern is handled...

...Only to make me spill non-manly tears at pony heaven.

While I find some tissues, be a pal and continue, please?

>>795611795611 I am a mare of honor, I will accept your request and do my best to make you cry.

Mother of Celestia. I'm crying unmanly tears.

I seriously hope that this makes featured, because it deserves it. This is definitely comparable to MLD, if not better. It has touched my heart so, and I don't think I'll be ever able to look at Rainbow Dash the same again.

This is one of the best stories I've read, and I mean that. Better then Rick Riordan, better then Stephen King. This is hands down in the top ten of my favorite books.

Thank you, for writing this story.

-Storm

>>795734795734 W-wow... I'm actually shocked, you think this should be featured?

I don't think it'll be featured, I'm not really a big shot with a ton of followers or something in my opinion

But gosh, I'm really touched you'd say those things

Man such a good book, I agree with it being featured, it's such a great story, even if I nearly cried... The ending of the chapter though, I feel like Soarin wouldn't be the kind of pony to cheat on another. Cant wait for the next chapter, this was was amazing as it is!

Damn.....betrayal.....that something that shatters the hearts of all friends, family, and love ones........buck, tihs is getting darker and darker.....very good, young mare, I will await for more and to see the sins of Rainbow Dash herself.....poor foal.

>>797090797090 Er... Thanks?

holy celestia!!

>>798334798334 Not a problem, you have to understnad I'm a very, VERY dark hearted person so while others may whine, cry and hide in a corner because of dark-hearted stories like this, I thrive on it, allowing it to give me dark, cruel and harsh ideas for my own stories...mind you, not all my stories are dark-hearted though. Sometimes I write happy endings....even though I very much despise them, but it depands on what type and who the person (or animal) is....keep writing this, you doing very, very well and if I could find out how to 'watch' you on this site then I would for I'm very impressed by your abitity to enter into darker thoughts, not many humamsn can do such.

>>798346798346 Problem?

>>798362798362 I'd hazard a guess and say clicking the icon that looks like an eye next to my name would help.

>>798393798393 Ture, but it does not seem to work for me for some really bucked up reason.

>>798376798376 no its just so sad that all

>>798424798424 Then I can't help you

>>798428798428

>>798709798709 It's all chill...damn, oh well.

Screw the whole 'manly' thing. I'm crying.

But I also agree this should be featured.

>>824351824351 If it weren't for the factsome jerk drove through 4 of the powerline poles near here, I'd have you crying again. I hate drunk drivers who knock out my internet. Dumb drunk drivers.

Thank god I at least have my kindle to reply to questions and comments.

>>830753830753 what? what happened?

>>831765831765 The worst part is Im friends with him

>>832867832867 no i mean on the drunken driver

>>832878832878 That's who I'm talking about

The chapter was great, you are a great writer, I can wait as long as it takes for you to post your chapters.

>>837520837520 It's ponies like you that keep me going

Damn stallions and their "needs."

Of course, I can't possibly abandon this story now.  Take whatever time you have to.  This is why we have the little star icon, after all.

>>837733837733 I love you all

...So she decided to do two methods at once, to make sure it killed her (She's jumping and overdosing)

Sweet Celestia...This is amazing.

Also, I live in Hawaii! Its a beautful place, and you're going to love it.

I mean, if you haven't been their already.

But either way, wouldnt Rainbow Dash have been like this to Soarin' after he totally blew her off?

Image: http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Crush+Kill+Destroy+Swag+Working+GIF+.+Basically+the+only+GIF_a3edc3_3579195.gif

>>837798837798 Just wait. jeez

>>838114838114 Been three times already, and no, she's been an emotional wreck and this was too much.

>>838324838324 I know, I know.

I guess I'd be the same way if my child died. (I'm a guy, so I can't say while in child birth.)

I guess I'm just being insensitive again.

Any who, have fun in Hawaii! I'll be waiting patiently.

>>838489838489 Sooooo... Any other comments on the story you have to make?

>>838610838610 If you're talking about your story: No, it's perfect. I love it, just keep doing what you're doing. You perfectly capture Rainbow Dash's agony, based on how people react to that type of stuff in real life. Again, this should definitely be featured.

If you're talking about the side-fic I'm writing about this: I've been stuck on a mile long writers block, and not to mention the agonizing lack of good internet, seeing as how i'm milking off my hotels internet, due to my little vacation. While it has gone smoothly up until the part I'm on, this is how I've felt the past 2 weeks.

Image: http://iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-just-playing-with-portals.gif?1336215558

Just keep up the good work!

>>838744838744 Side-Fic?

>>838799838799  Go up on your comments, near the top. You'll come across the conversation we had on the first chapter, about me writing a side-fic to this, and getting your permission.

>>838813838813 whoops

>>838830838830 Eeeyup

Anyways, I'll be looking forwards til your next chapter. Til then, Ciao!

-Storm

Oh dear, now I'm tearing up. Bravo!

Now on to the next chapter, can my heart handle it?

This has been sitting on my 'read later' list for a long time, now that I am, I don't want it to stop. Yet I still dispair.

In all honesty I seem to have a nack for telling when a story is going to do well, this is one of those stories, I have almost no doubt this will be featured at some point. In addition i think you should send this to EQD, the writing is apporachable for all and it creates a deep connetion to the reader. In my opinion I think they will accept this, abeit with a slight critique perhaps.

You are making us all shed a tear but don't stop, because you're making the reader feel truly alive.

I consiter myself a pacifist, however I feel like I want to wring Soarin's FILTHY LITTLE MORONIC CEATING NECK!

Ehem.

And then just hug Dash and try and make it all better...

Please continue and make this end happily. It might be too much if it didnt.

>>852472852472 I actually can't post to EQD. It'slike my comp has an allergic reaction to the site.

I'm not entirely sure why, but this final chapter just seemed a bit disappointing to me. Without reading them again to be sure, I remember the prevous chapters being well written and well paced, but in comparison, this chapter wasn't. It just seemed very... simple, if that makes sense. And the Spitfire thing just came out of nowhere.

So sorry. I very much enjoyed the previous chapters, but this one just felt lacking.

>>963538963538 Wasn't really out of nowhere, I hinted at it with the 2nd chapter, and I'm sorry if it felt lacking, I've been under a lot of stress right now, so, I'm sorry.

Aww, not gonna lie, my hand flew up to my mouth at the last line

Soarin, you stupid idiot!!!

Ok, I take it back.

Soarin', you're not an idiot...you're an ASSHOLE!!  

awwwww

that was nice :)

Awww, happy ending!

...I still hope Fluttershy or Spitfire kicks Soarin's ass later though...

I agree Sorin should get is ass kicked

Not gonna lie, this one had me choked up a little with the previous chapters but you pulled off a great happy ending.  

THIS STORY NEEDS MORE GREEN THUMBS!!!   

Was a bit disapponited that she was not able to end her own life and why the hell would you let anypony know where your going to kill yousef at? Also....her friendscame out of nowhere and forgae her way to quickly, they did not even bother to bringit up, taking your own life is a HUGE deal...I should know, I'm a former sucicdeal....oh well...your an amazing author so I'll let this chapter slide, all in all perfect story....save for the fact that she is still alive...maybe make an alternate version?

Aslo can't wait for a new chapter of "Im the vilian?" BEST HUMOR STORY EVER with Luna in it

Yay, happy ending!

I'm just going to say it, but a SpitfireXDash would be gold. It doesn't even have to be 'intimate'. The fallout and makeups would factor in well as well.

>>966185966185 I'm sorry, but was that a story request?

>>967223967223

Yes, yes it was.

>>969923969923 Well, you'll have to take a number, I've got two story requests ahead of you, forgive me?

>>963645963645 After this.... I more then confidently can say you don't need to be sorry or down about this. It seemed fine for me but endings are never an easy thing, and it is fine when you consider that. And handling personal things is far more important then a story, expect if this story is what is helping you deal.  Then the story is important, and good for the emotion and passion that will be put into it. You should need to worry about "spelling being 120% perfect all the time" or "the ending doesn't feel right" cause it is right, right for you, so it should be fine with us. And this. . . was a beautiful piece. A beautiful piece in a very deep way. A way that can only be felt or experienced rather then explained or said.

Take care of yourself,

Firestorm

P.S. Friends are everywhere, when you need them and when you look for them.  

very rude! and VERY mean

>>12922561292256 Excuse me?

I really don't know what you're talking about Cadence...

YOU Soarin shall be punished of your actions

>>15680451568045 Ah, finally the clarification.