"YOU ARE GOING TO LOOOOOOOVE MEEEE!"
Blueblood backed nervously away from the source of the voice: a unicorn mare with a white coat, glaring at him with hatred. He mumbled something unintelligible, trying to ask what she wanted of him.
His backward motion stopped abruptly as his flank bumped into something soft and sticky. Blueblood glanced behind him, praying frantically it was anything but-
CAKE! A wall of moist, crumbling cake! The icing smeared as he recoiled away, its white color darkening to that of mud. He ran forward. Dirt he couldn't handle. Mares he could. All he needed to do was pull his Badblood act.
Blueblood gagged as her look of rage turned to one of lust, but stuck to the script as best as he could manage. "Hello! I'm a terrible pony who only cares about money and status!"
"Me too!" She exclaimed gleefully, and Blueblood shivered. "We're a perfect match!"
He tried to maneuver around her, but Rarity matched his movement, crouched low like a hunting cat. She licked her lips slowly, eyes half closed. Blueblood glanced around for an escape route, and when his eyes turned back to her, she was covered in frosting. Brown chocolate crumbs gathered around her muzzle like Helperton's beard.
"Oh, Blueblood, you're soooooo bad," she said huskily, drawing a cringe. "What's the matter? Afraid to get…dirty?"
When she said it the first time, she was enraged. Now she was saying "dirty" with an entirely different meaning. Try as he might, Blueblood couldn't get around her, and she drew inexorably closer. Close enough to touch his face. She reached up with a hoof covered in mud and worms, and-
He woke up with a yelp. Of course he had been dreaming, Blueblood knew he was dreaming ever since the cake wall. But that didn't make it any less creepy. Or…weird.
Shuddering, he rolled over, content to let the memories fade as dreams are wont to do. A nightmare, certainly, but nothing more. Thoughts of Helperton's beard made him smile and turn his thoughts to the E.E. The charity foundation was really his only passion: He wished he could take a more active hoof in its management, but it was hard enough sneaking off once or twice a week. Any more would draw unwanted attention, undesired fame, and most importantly, a host of stalkers who'd know the most desired stallion in Equestria was a nice pony after all.
Bad thoughts from the dream had been replaced by bad imaginings of reality – it was definitely time to get up. Blueblood's horn glowed blue, the magic delicately removing his nightmask.
Ah yes, the bedroom. Final refuge for anypony lucky enough to have a home, perfectly mundane, perfectly solitary, perfectly my own.
Blueblood blinked and snapped his head back and forth. Was this his bedroom? The resemblance was there, but the carpet had been replaced by a tacky purple and pink square tile pattern. The mirror reflected not his room, but a cowpony pair, dancing wildly. A broom had somehow animated and wrapped itself around a maid, dusting a shelf with her tail. The entire outside wall had disappeared, revealing a sky with pink clouds in the air. Some unlucky griffon was careening by, his wings where his claws should be and visa-versa. He narrowly missed a pegasus flying backwards, both with looks of panic on their faces. In the gardens below, purple trees with socks on their branches had sprouted.
Today I write to you with more purpose than I ever have. I might not live to see another day dawn. Call it pride or vanity, but I'd like to record my thoughts and deeds. If all is lost, then at least I'll leave some proof I existed, even if I exist no more. Words will remain of my deeds, even if none remain to read them.
That's melodramatic as hay, but I AM PROBABLY GOING TO DIE, SO I'M FEELING A LITTLE MELODRAMATIC.
I'm urban nobility. I don't exercise and I'm sure not a fighter, so I'm hardly qualified to fight the greatest threat to Equestria since EVER.
Discord is back.
Sweet Celestia, it's like one of those monster-horror books Star Gazer reads. The old wards failed, the ancient spells broke, R'ylhay rises from the deep, madness consumes the world, etcetera, etcetera, WE'RE BUCKED.
I'm going to start at the start and cover things as well as I can with the time I have. Discord actually broke out yesterday, but nothing changed at first. Celestia told me about it and said that the matter was in hoof. She'd call in her pupil, who would use the Elements of Harmony to turn him back into a statue. Aunt Celly told me what to do if things got out of control, but I wasn't too worried. It's funny, but when someone else is around to heroically save the day, ponies like me get sort of lazy about it. I didn't really know anything about Twilight Sparkle or the Elements, but I know she freed Luna from Nightmare Moon. I figured she'd be the hero again and everything would be back to normal. I went to bed like nothing was wrong at all.
When I woke up, it was clear things weren't going to be so tidy. Discord was cavorting about the skies, willing chaos into the world. Luna was nowhere to be seen, the castle was a disaster area, and a legion of animate sock-trees had subdued the Royal Guard.
I did what any rational pony would do in such a situation: I quickly brushed my mane and ran to Aunt Celly.
Only she had been turned to stone.
SHE HAD BEEN TURNED TO STONE.
That Discord would have a sense of irony came as no big surprise, but that he defeated Princess Celestia so easily was horrifying. There was no great clash of magic or climactic duel. She didn't even look angry or frightened, just surprised. The work of an instant, and that was that.
I cried. I cried a lot, and I'm not ashamed. I wasn't even thinking about the Age of Chaos that awaited Equestria. I was just thinking about my aunt. Not the regal Princess Celestia who ruled with wisdom and grace, but the mischievous Celly who ruffled my mane just when I got it perfect. The one who let me try on her jewelry when I was a little colt. The one who encouraged me and accepted my flaws without passing judgment.
I don't love many ponies. I don't even LIKE many ponies. But I loved Aunt Celly, and without her…well, I'm ready for whatever Discord throws at me.
After I had gotten the grief out of my system, I did what she asked me to do "in case things got out of control." I think this qualifies. I found the closet she told me about, filled with messaging scrolls with red ribbons. Maybe they were warning letters to other realms or something. They all had preset destinations they were bound to, so all I had to do was teleport them and let the magic take their essence to wherever. I didn't even check to see where they were going. It seemed kind of silly to be spending the apocalypse sending mail, but Celly asked me to. I could at least do that for her.
I shot them off as quickly as possible then went into Canterlot. There wasn't anything for it, I was going after Discord. I tried to correct a few wrongs as I moved through the warped city, but things were so bad I don't think anypony noticed.
Scratch that, Fancy Pants noticed. I can see him reclining now, writing a goodbye letter to his fillyfriend.
We kind of bumped into each other – he was trying to use his magic to fix things as well. When I told him I was going after Discord, he laughed and clopped my back. "Then I'll go with you! Together, we'll have twice as good a chance!"
I actually smiled. Fancy Pants is on the very short list of "Ponies I Like," and I'm kind of sorry to be leading him into this inevitable disaster. Maybe neither of us care to see the Equestria we love become twisted beyond all recognition.
We found a few signs that we were going in the right direction. Literally, giant arrow signs that had "THIS WAY TO DISCORD" printed on them in red letters. Maybe they're a joke or lie, but we've been following them. It's not like we have a better idea where to find him.
When we do reach Discord…well, I guess there's not much to be said. We'll ready our horns, give it our all, and whatever happens, happens.
Fancy Pants gave a sniff as the pair trod through the blue grass, forsaking the icy roads. "You know, I feel like we're missing something."
"A plan?" Blueblood sighed. "An idea? A hope?"
"Prince of Good Cheer, you are." Fancy Pants gave a small, humored smile. "No, no, I think we should talk or something. Like in a storybook, where ponies have the big heart-to-heart chat before the climax. How about it, hm? Let's tell each other something we've never told anypony."
The blue-maned pony blinked as Blueblood looked at him. "Come now, Prince, it seems like the proper thing to do in this sort of situation."
His blonde companion shrugged, and cast his gaze back down. "Fine. You first."
"Hm, yes, that would be polite." Fancy Pants considered a moment before responding. "I do love Fleur De Lis with all my heart, and she loves me back. But I've always sort of wanted to try a stallion sometime, just to see what it was like."
That got Blueblood's attention. His head snapped up, and he widened the distance between them by a few steps. "Woah. Uh, I uh…"
Fancy Pants chuckled at the reaction. "Calm yourself, Sir, you wouldn't be my first choice. Or, erhem, twelfth."
They trod in silence for a few seconds before the implication caught up with Blueblood. "And what the hay is that supposed to mean!"
"Oh dear," Fancy Pants sighed, annoyed that he let his politeness fade to subtle insults. "My apologies, nothing, the stress has caught up to me."
Blueblood wasn't about to let it go at that. "What? I'm handsome, aren't I?"
"Yes," Fancy Pants groaned, wishing he could undo the whole conversation.
"Then what?" Blueblood was making himself angrier. He wasn't possessed of any romantic intentions towards Fancy Pants, but he still felt insulted.
"Social skills, my dear prince." Fancy Pants coughed. "Er, may I speak frankly?"
Irately, Blueblood tossed back his mane. "We're dead anyway."
"Charming," Fancy Pants said, deadpan. "You open up a touch around me, and I appreciate it. But outside of myself and the Princess, you seem to…almost fear other ponies. That's not a bad thing taken in isolation, but please consider that Equestria predominantly consists of other ponies. That's not a positive quality of yours."
Blueblood made a dismissive noise, but didn't deny it. After a few moments, he grunted. "Too late to fix it now. There's Discord, just past the rock…candy farm. Let's get this over with."
Fancy Pants nodded. "Hm. Forward the Whites and Tally Ho, I suppose."
Through some mix of courage and resignation, neither of the two foppish colts even hesitated as they strode to the strange throne and its god-like occupant.
I'm alive, mostly due to the fact that Discord is mean.
Heh, excuse me, he "was" mean.
Fancy Pants and I found Discord, and we gave a short speech that sounded a lot more stirringly heroic when we rehearsed it on the way. We made it clear that we were the big, gallant heroes who would strike him down. By our hooves Equestria would be made free of his villainous depravations.
It was all a load of bollocks, of course. We had a death wish, and just wanted to go out with some degree of righteousness. Sure we would've fought as hard as we could, but the only real question was how Discord would end us.
Which he didn't. As we spoke of our heroism, he settled back with a sort of bored smile on his face. When Fancy Pants and I kicked the ground and lowered our horns, he yawned, looked at his watch, and vanished.
No trick, no sudden attack, no nothing. He knew the cruelest thing to do was simply leave, refusing to acknowledge us as even worth dealing with.
To say that it knocked the wind from our sails was an understatement. Fancy Pants and I started walking again, but we didn't really have a direction or goal in mind. If we pursued Discord, he would simply leave again unless he thought of something even more humiliating. We could try to stop the Chaos around us, but that would be just as futile. The two of us just wandered, waiting for something to happen.
We didn't have to wait very long. I guess there were a few hiccups, but the original plan carried through. Twilight Sparkle used the Elements of Harmony to turn Discord into stone and everything went back to normal. And I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
'Yay,' I guess.
It's strange, but I'm feeling pretty glum about the whole affair. I guess I'm happy to be alive, but I can't help but feel more than a little useless. I gave it my all and didn't change a thing.
Maybe it's for the best. I think I'd be terrified if anypony actually needed me to be a hero. Whatever quality Twilight has that lets her wield the Elements, I definitely don't have it.
Anyway, I'm skipping the ceremony they're holding for her. I'm duly grateful and all, but my mood won't exactly do much for the atmosphere. Best to let them party. Celestia might be annoyed with me, but she can hassle me later if she wants.
(She got unstoned, by the way)
Quick addendum: Hearing the gossip following the ceremony, it honored several ponies. I guess they helped Twilight along the way, or something.
Whatever. Just thought I'd mention it.
It's been a few days, and I still have this feeling of…glum malaise, I guess. You ever feel bored, but can't work up the motivation to do anything? Sorta like that, plus some existential angst. If I disappear tomorrow, my aunts might miss me a little and the E.E. would miss my money. Not much impact at all. If I look at it logically, I don't really matter that much.
Guh, I hate this "Waah, poor me," feeling, and it's not going away on its own. I hate to bug her, but I kinda wanna talk about it with Aunt Celestia. I'll try to catch her at a good time.
So I unloaded my feelings to Celestia. I tried to stop several times – I had to have sounded like Equestria's biggest loser, and it was shameful and embarrassing. But each time, she prodded me to continue.
I must've been on a roll. Before I knew it, I was talking about the Badblood act I put on to drive away would-be fillyfriends. And I told her I wasn't going to drop the act, either. I am not going to be a prize for some gold-digger or socialite. I just want other high-breeds to leave me alone.
Celestia gave me that wonderful smile of hers and set her head on me in a soft hug.
Then she blew a raspberry on my neck.
Gave me quite a start, I don't mind admitting.
"Blueblood, you really need to get out more," she said after wiping her lips.
"I am not getting out more!" I shouted, wrong-hoofed and blushing from the surprise. "I've told you a hundred times, I don't want to spend more time around the Sweet and Elite!"
She smiled winningly, a twinkle in her eye. "Perhaps you can make friends outside the Noble Canterlot circle. Spend time with them, hm? I wouldn't tell anypony."
Now, I'm not an idiot. Aunt Celly was pretty clearly hinting that she knew I go "slumming" outside of the classy sections of Canterlot. And she was hinting that she approved, or at least tolerated it.
In the past, I've always limited my forays to the weekly meetings at the Grapevine. The more often I sneak out, the more likely ponies will notice and get curious. I certainly don't want anypony poking their nose into my business.
But I really would like to get out with the Egalitarian Equestrians more. Next Friday I'll ask them for ideas. You know, see if there's something I can do to help that won't attract attention.
I think that's the ticket: Feel unneeded? Make yourself needed.
Okay, I think we've got something.
The high society excuse will be that I'm taking the tour of the "country." "Country" is a sufficiently vague and large area that I should be able to brush off questions as to specifically "where" I am going.
My desire to "get out and help more" coincided very neatly with a plan Star Gazer already had brewing. See, most of our funding comes from me, which means it comes from aristocratic sources. Aside from nobles, the big holders of cash in Equestria are business ponies. He wants to start getting pledges from merchants, and thinks it's best to start talking to them outside of Canterlot so we can widen our funding base. So we'll be going to…
…Ponyville. A FARMING community. Farming = Dirt.
Oh well. At least I won't be lying when I say I'll be in the country. That's as country as it gets.
Star Gazer is convinced it's the best place to start. There are a lot more bits flying around in urban areas like Canterlot, but the merchants are constantly at each other's throats. Country businesses have less competition, so won't grip their money quite as tightly. If we can get good support in Ponyville, it'll give us the prestige to make headway into wealthier circles.
While Helperton manages things at home, Star Gazer and I will make the trip to see what kind of commitment we can drum up. I'll be incognito, of course – Aunt Celly already agreed to help with a disguise.
We had a bit of a debate as to what name I would go by. "Blue-anything" would be easiest to remember, but also the most likely to give me away. Nopony is going to be fooled by something obvious like "Royal Blue."
(Okay, "Royal Blue" was my first idea. Give me a break, I've never done this before.)
"Whipped Crème," Star Gazer suggested with a smirk, eyeing my alabaster coat. It was out of the question, for obvious reasons.
"Sun Mane," Helperton stated. While my mane is yellow, I really couldn't shake the feeling that it sounded like a filly's name.
We eventually settled on "True Point," using my cutey mark as a reference.
(I have a compass-like cutey mark, by the way. I'll tell you about it sometime.)
I'm looking forward to it. It's exciting, different, and is hopefully just what I need to shake myself up a little. Time to relax in the country, do some good, and enjoy a little peace and quiet.