4
26
7
Joined October 2011
305
10,254
From a young age, Ditzy Doo knew she wasn't like most ponies. Jinxed and uncoordinated, she was shunned from all social circles as she grew up. When a friend finally comes her way, Ponyville's residential mailmare will surprise everyone—including herself—when she demonstrates how far she's willing to go to keep that friendship.
Seriously! This is one of the best fics i've read so far. 
This has spirit and power, but there is one editorial suggestions I would like to make: you seem to have a problem staying Pony. By that I mean that there are many instances when characters, especially Derpy, have hands and arms rather than forelegs and hooves.
You might just want to go over your work with regard for that. You also might find that by focusing on the fact that the characters are ponies, there are a lot of cool things you can do describing how they function using the body parts they have; how Derpy maneuvers packages, for example, using only teeth and hooves, that sort of thing.
Anyway, that was the one thing that glared at me, otherwise, please keep up the soul in this story!
Are there any instances where I say arm (or another body part that isn't belonging to a pony? O_o if so, then yes that's a mistake and I'll need to fix that. However, if it's just you're not getting a feel that I'm talking about a pony through my descriptions, then that's something different entirely. While writing, I'm assuming everyone knows I'm talking from the anatomy perspective of a pony, so when I say "Ditzy waved", I would assume I wouldn't need to say "Ditzy waved a hoof" to clarify that she's a pony; we already know that.
However there are still many parts where Ditzy uses her teeth, hooves, and wings to accomplish many tasks, both in the first and second chapter.
I agree with you that I could go into more detail about how Ditzy's pony body reacting differently than a human's, but there's only a certain amount of detail I can add before the section becomes stretched and the reader is psychologically driven to skim.
If you find any places where I accidently say arms, or something like that, it would be helpful if you could let me know 
I was under the impression my proof readers and I caught all of them.>>47947
Also, because I have the inability to shed tears over even the sadest things, resulting in sadness welling up inside me with no way to escape but comedic remedies. This story really does fit me well. It gives a sad idea, then heals it with a comedic remedy soon after. It really is quite enjoyable, keep it up.
But. now that I look at it, there is one major problem. In the first two chapters Ditzy doesn't say, do, or think anything that would even hint that Dinky and Sparkler are part of her life. I would think that even though Ditzy may be a bit forgetful that she would at least remember her own daughters. In one of the chapters she even wonders if anybody would miss her if she vanished. Well I can bet that the kids certainly would...
Allow me to bring up the point I think you are refering to.
"Would anypony miss me if I just…I don’t know…poofed into thin air?
She felt silly for asking—of course there were. In fact, she could think of two ponies, and they were the ones keeping her sane(ish). Thanks to them, she had the will to fight through the perils of the day-to-day. "
This was clearly foreshadowing some form of substantial relationship, although I never specifically said daughters (I did this on purpose). Also you're forgetting the picture frame, which at the point is a plot device. I obviously didn't want to give anything away about the picture itself until the natural progression of the story gave the answer, and that meant masking that particular part of Ditzy's life until the right moment. Surely you can understand that?
I will not lie, thi has put me to tears.
Well done, that was one hay of a great fanfiction.
I loved the style you wrote it in, these small everyday duties becoming amazing challenges and adventures....
I would love to read more about Ditzy, Dinky and Sparkler!
>>48193 I actually think you should stick with saying "arm" when referring to a specific limb--it's easier than "front left left leg." If you're just referring to the front legs, then "front legs" works just fine.
That aside, DD is giving me diabetes. Keep up the amazing writing!
I love you. I love this story and I love you. That scene with Pinkie and Derpy arguing with the cut to the princesses almost had me crying with laughter.
However, I feel like I should say:
“Can I help you with something?” Asked Twilight jokingly; she knew that she caught Ditzy in the act.
Should be “Can I help you with something?” asked Twilight jokingly; she knew that she caught Ditzy in the act.
Lower case for speech tags!
I am loving this story and I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the amazing work! 
I was wondering why this story hadn't updated in a long while. But then... By god! It updated! And it's over 10,000 words! I have something to do today!
-----------------------
And MAN did it pay off! This chapter is filled with comedy goodness, possibly the best interpretation on Derpy/Ditzy ever.
You know what this chapter is?
It's the final day in Clock Town.
This chapter is day 3. It's got the great and happy theme to it, lots of d'aww, but in the background, you can feel that something bad is going to happen. I mean, look at the bloody picture, for chrissake. Shit's gonna hit the fan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjXutKsizE8
Only one problem I found in this story is this sentence: She’s the only pegasus here besides me that actually have a house of her own on the ground here in Ponyville.
Now there are 2 ways to fix this. One is to change that to to or to change have to has.
She’s the only pegasus here besides me to actually have a house of her own on the ground here in Ponyville.
She’s the only pegasus here besides me that actually has a house of her own on the ground here in Ponyville.
Although I like the has a bit better of the two, but that is my opinion.
I still love this story a lot so far. My heart feels so much warmer after reading these first two chapters.
And so I must say thank you for sharing this with us here on this lovely site.
Plus keep up the amazing work.
wow just wow. this was great the build up wonderful I need the next chapter. you must hurry I can't survive without knowing what happens next. This story keeps surprising me with the quality of work you have done. Each chapter is better then the last and begs to be read ever again thank you for all your hard work.
Oooh! Very nice! That cliff-hanger hurt, which means you did your job! I love Twilight and Ditzy in this so much, so I am hoping for a good ending!
I am a sucker for family-like relationships in fics, and this story is no exception. I adore how Twi thinks of Ditzy and her family as extended members of her own. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
However, I have to say, there was a small slip up in the scene where Dinky was practising her magic with the balls. Quite often her dialogue felt out of place. Sweet and child-like one moment and then strangely mature and quick-witted the next. I have to be honest and say that it threw me off a fair bit!
Also in that scene was this:
“Gives a whole new meaning to bouncing off walls,” Ditzy said and grinned, not missing a beat.
Ditzy? I think you mean Dinky there!
Also, 'Taking a deep breathe,' I think that should be breath!
Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter! The cliff-hanger has left me desperately wanting more, so all speed to you, my friend! Keep up the great work!
“Gives a whole new meaning to bouncing off walls,” Ditzy said and grinned, not missing a beat.
..... I think you meant Dinky not Ditzy..... Since Ditzy was at work during the time this was said.......
Everything else was perfect.
I'm also glad that my story isn't the only one with Pinkie and Ditzy yelling at each other over Cupcakes and Muffins. 
So amazing work, and I'm looking forward for the next chapter. 
Don't move the body! Never move the injured unless it is a dire emergency!
Ah, well, Ditzy doesn't understand potential spinal injuries, she's Ditzy, and she's in shock.
Still, I just squirmed when she started moving Twi around.
Then again, they do have magic, and medical unicorns, so maybe they can fix paralysis in Equestria. Eeek.
So sad!
First off, I love this chapter
Second off, I think I hate it too.
Mazzy, why do you have the amazing ability to throw my emotions through a loop. I don't understand what I'm feeling dang it. Also, the errors have already been pointed out, so I won't bombard you with that.
Truly magnificent sir, you have vision and the passion to see it through. I hope that when you finally submit this to EqD that they not only accept it, but embrace it! Six stars for you, easily.
>>247944 Very kind of you to say, Cosmic. I actually just submitted it to EqD last night, and the pre-readers are on the case. Should know soon enough if I've passed their judgement.
>>246542 Me? Why, I would never! I am shocked and appalled you would insinuate I would do something like that. I would never tear poor Ditzy down! Now Destiny, on the other hand, is a loose canon. I can't exactly control what she does, now can I? 
>>246508 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this bittersweet chapter.
>>246430 You have to think from the mindset of a shell-shocked, unstable standpoint. Ditzy's ability to think clearly even on a good day is sketchy at best.
>>246232 I was sure I wasn't the first to use the whole "muffins vs. cupcakes" thing. Seems like a good way to bond Ditzy and Pinkie.
>>246187 Thank you for catching that mystic, I too enjoy family-style friendshipping. My proofreader pulled me aside halfway through the chapter and was like, "Mazzy, you know the way you're framing this, it could turn into just a straight up ship fic?" Which I guess was not intentional. In a fandom where closeness immediately equates to a romantic relationship, I can see where he's coming from. Still, I'm here to prove that with the proper technique, family relationshipping can be just as d'aww-ful, and in some cases b'aww-ful.
>>245560 It's my pleasure. I'm just glad you enjoy it. 
I'll get writing as soon as I can.
You-! But-! She-! The-! What-!? GAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Sir, you have written a magnificent story that has evoked genuine emotion from me. Your handling of Ditzy and her family has been poignant and endearing, and I have loved every second of reading this from first to fifth chapters.
That said, you are a cruel, cruel person leaving us all hanging in suspense at the end of this chapter. I'm torn between a desire for you to post the next chapter immediately, and a desire for you to take your time to ensure the same quality of writing that we have seen so far. In either event, I eagerly await chapter six, and would like to inform you that this has quickly and easily become my favorite fic on this site to date.
Six out of five Mustaches sir! 
Let's see...popping up in unexpected places to harass unsuspecting ponies...check! Ocassionally capable of actions that seem to fly in the face of the laws of physics and known logic...check! Even before that scene in the Sugarcube Corner cemented it, it's pretty clear that Ditzy takes after Pinkie in more ways than one.
Alright, a couple of things to start off...In your first paragraph, you use "habitus" when I think the word you meant to use was "habitual.". The second issue is in your final sentence, "but they were partners 'in' where it mattered most: passion." That "in" doesn't need to be there and the sentence flows better without it, so I recommend that you lose it. 
Aside from that, I really liked your latest chapter. As for the ending, I have only this to say...well played...
I love this story. I love the friendship blossoming between Ditzy and Twilight, and I love how you brought in Sparkler and Dinky. There's so much I love about this.
But that cliffhanger! Come on! I want to know what happens next! I'll definitely be tracking this.
>>282093 No it wasn't. Unintentional references for the win.
>>282052 I feel confident of my use in habitus. Definition: "the set of socially learned dispositions, skills and ways of acting that are often taken for granted, and which are acquired through the activities and experiences of everyday life."
Pretty nice. I've Tracked this story, can't wait for the next chapter. I'm really freaking out over the Sad tag. 
One thing you might want to work on is how you explain who said what. You have a lot of spots like this:
"Examples are fun. They're pretty useful." He said.
As a rule of thumb, you shouldn't apply the 'he said' to more than one sentence. In addition, you need to use a comma. So something like this:
"Examples are fun," he said. "They're pretty useful."
Does that make sense?
It's an easy mistake to make, but it's a bit off-putting.
I MUCH prefer friend shipping to regular shipping. With shipping, you always end up with awkwardness, it feels contrived that these two characters would fall in love so quick. With friendship ping, it's just pure, unadulterated d'aaawwwwww. Also, I'm a little confused on how old everypony is. Sparkler is a teenager, but the same age as Ditzy? And how old is Dinky?
Sir, I have to congratulate you for creating this epic fiction. That and I'd have to say that you're building it up to becoming a pretty sad story right next to My Little Dashie. Yes I said it and I'm not gonna take it back. But besides that, Good job just mind those minor grammar errors and it'll be all good.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
10,254 ( 44,844 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Vunderful story. Though the tomentors will have to get maimed....
Cancel
Send