Put on your Robe(s) and/or Wizard Hat(s)

by Fiddlove Enfemme

Chapter One: Thinking with Portals

A group of four wizards walked along a forest path; the path was one they knew well, as they had traveled it a grand total of three times. Every time they had traveled this path, they had been assaulted by goblins looking for "Shinies". For the uninformed, goblins are quite similar to magpies, where they compulsively hoard shiny objects. Even though magpies don't actually hoard shiny objects. They're more like dragons, I suppose.

The four wizards were tall, proud, and a venerable rainbow of colours. Alright, they were only in four colours. On the left, the Red wizard; proud, courageous, and a little impulsive. On the right, the Blue wizard; thoughtful, secretive, and just a tad antisocial. In the middle was the Green wizard; friendly, open, and a natural mediator. Lagging a bit behind the others was the Yellow wizard; geeky, unfit, and currently being used as a pack animal.

Unsurprisingly, the goblins were waiting for them, again. If only they knew a better route through the forest, this wouldn't happen to them. The goblin leader leaped out in front of them as usual and shouted "ROBES! They stupid enough to come down here a fourth time! Get their shinies!" Goblins are also famously bad at counting.

Red took a quick look at the goblins and made up his mind. He sprinted at the goblins, blunt sword raised high and wizard staff already conjuring up elements. An exploding fire rock (earth and fire magicks) was queued up to fire as soon as he gave the command.

He sent the rock flying into the goblins. At point blank range. Blue sighed and facepalmed, while Green and Yellow got out sausages and toasted them over the now burning goblin and Red corpses. Blue reluctantly fired up the revive spell (lightning and life magicks) and returned Red back to the world of the living. He collected his Aristo-Staff from his corpse, which he had originally pried from the cold dead hands of the goblin's aristocratic leader. He left the blunt sword where it lay, and retrieved a Frost Cleaver that had been used by one of the goblins.

To tell the truth, they were quite bored of being young already. Yellow sat down on a log and sulked about his prized beard, and Green sat beside Yellow to comfort him. Red and Blue were silently arguing a short distance away over their next course of action. They had done the same routine three times before, mind you. It just wasn't the same, there was something missing.

---

Far, far away from our intrepid wizarding band, a whole universe away in fact, trouble was brewing.

"But Celestia!"

"No, Discord. Our decision is final."

"It's not fair! Why can't it be someone else?"

In a place you should all know well, Canterlot, Discord was arguing with Celestia and Luna over their decisions again. The sisters had agreed to go to a summit of all the leaders of the world. They needed a way to keep Discord out of trouble until they returned.

"We've explained this to you. All you do is throw a tantrum when we even mention it," said Luna.

Discord scowled, and said "What about Cadence? She's a princess too!"

"Cadance and her husband are going to the summit too. The Crystal Empire is its own country now, with a constitution, senate, and voting body." Celestia sighed, "And no, even if they were available, they would be too busy managing their assets. And with a new child in the family..."

"What about Twilight? Can't she take charge? She's your student, isn't she?" Discord pleaded.

"She's a princess in her own right. And even then, she's not ready for the responsibility of managing Equestria." said Celestia.

"This is another test, isn't it? Making sure I'm reformed by pretending to give me control of Equestria, while you monitor my actions and turn me into a statue when I cause chaos?"

Luna rolled her eyes at him "Please. Fluttershy is more than capable of keeping you under control."

"Then why isn't she in charge, hmm?" accused Discord.

"Fluttershy is a kind pony, and good at keeping you from temptation, but she wouldn't last long in global politics." countered Celestia.

"Which is to say, she would have ceded half of Equestria in trying to keep everyone happy." sighed Luna.

"Luna!" scolded Celestia.

Luna practiced her eye rolling in Celestia's direction "No offense sister, but you nearly did that the first time Mother let you take charge."

"But I wanted to go to the summit too!" whined Discord, "I planned all year, even my tighty whities were packed!"

"Only to play pranks on the attendees that would harm our reputation abroad," said Luna, "Even if they did no lasting harm."

"Besides Discord, it will build character." Celestia assured, "We're already late as it is. We will see you at the end of the month."

"No, wait!" Discord shouted - but it was too late. The sisters had already teleported away. The only reason Discord couldn't do the same was that Fluttershy had started managing his health again; he had gained a lot of weight recently, and was now on a strict weight loss regimen.

"Well, that puts a dent in my plans," he mused, "Those snob-headed princesses with their heads swelled up in the clouds. I'll show them; I'll show how much trouble I can cause, without changing a thing!" and off he walked to the depths of the Canterlot Keep.

He passed the numerous Royal Residences, ranks of guards on patrol, secret black-ops projects, underused (At least in his opinion) dungeons, the treasure vaults, the training grounds, not necessarily in that order. Eventually, tired and drenched in sweat, he reached the artifacts room. This room held dangerous, unstable, or forgotten relics, curios, and treasure. The sheer amount of loot would astound even the most seasoned adventurer. There were even some items crossed over from other dimensions were stored here, never to see the light of day. Discord passed by the iconic blue telephone box, a set of all sets containing itself, through the famous M.C. Escher staircase, past several works of Renaissance art, several marble statues, an alien saucer, a plain cardboard box, and several stacks of joke books (He read some of them for a laugh).

After some time of searching, he encountered the device. An ancient machine, able to tunnel through dimensions to return the found items. It could also bring items back. It wasn't that far of a stretch to say it could also take and return people. Most of the time.

Discord cracked his joints (all of them), and looked at the device's control panel. "Ooops," he said, as he pressed buttons at random. "This'll mix things up a bit," he said as the device churned to life. A controlled wormhole opened, to an unknown dimension.

"Oh, Celestia will be soooooo mad at me for this!"

---

The four wizards were in dire straits.

All of a sudden, as if it were the command of a chaotic being from another dimension, a demonic portal opened. Hellish beings from alternate dimensions poured through, and the wizards were fighting for their lives.

Tentacled horrors, daemons, demons, Xenomorphs, Necromorphs, the Flood, the Locust, Special Infected, Darkspawn, Animatronics, Orcs, Orks, the other Orcs, the other other Orcs, Uruks, Daedra, and Zombies of all varieties. As the valiant wizards disabled or killed one being, another four replaced it. The hordes pressed ever closer, with even Blue, their most proficient spell caster, reduced to randomly conjuring elements.

Slowly, the horde ebbed away, their numbers spent by the wizard's brave efforts. Red stood triumphantly on a pile of corpses, Blue was analysing the corpses, Green was cleaning up the corpse, and Yellow was still wildly flinging spells. Blue completed his analysis, and moved on to the portal. He peered closely at it, seeing the infinite dimensions displayed within. This would have fried his brain after a few more seconds if Yellow hadn't happened to accidentally cast the Portal spell. Blue shook off the encroaching madness, and studied the modified portal instead.

The normal Portal spell produces a blue portal, and an orange portal. For whatever reason, the existing portal had been overwritten and strengthened by the Portal spell. On this end, the orange end, Blue could look through and see the Lord of Chaos himself. On the other end, the blue end, Discord could look through and see a blue robed figure. How strange.

"Well don't just stand there, come in! Make yourself at home!," proclaimed Discord to the Blue wizard, who gestured to the other wizards to follow. A couch materialised beside Discord, which he patted, offering to the Blue wizard. "I warmed it up for you," invited the draconequus. Then the Red wizard followed through the portal, plunking himself down in the offered seat. Bewildered, Discord said "Two wizards?". Then Green walked in, very pleased with having cleaned the whole battlefield in under five minutes. He pulled up a chair next to the sofa, leaving the final sofa seats for Blue and Yellow. "Three wizards?". Blue sat comfortably on the edge of the sofa. Yellow came charging in, fired off random spells through the portal, and launched himself over the couch. "Four wizards? Four is the number of the day, ah ha ha!" cackled Discord.

They sat around awkwardly, while Yellow beat up artifacts and relics in the background. Discord tried to make conversation, but the wizards said nothing, never blinked, and didn't drink their tea or knit. Eventually, they just sat around in near-silence. "You don't talk much, do you?" the Lord of Chaos observed.

Out of nowhere came a reply, "[ALL] Do you have Skype?".

"Ehm, what?"

Again, "[ALL] Skype. Video chat service? Ringing any bells here?"

"No. Never heard of it." said Discord

"[ALL] We can chat through Steam too. What's your account name?"

"Uh, XxXl0rdx0fxCH40SXxX."

"[ALL] Alright, forget Steam. Do you have Teamspeak or Discord?"

"I AM Discord!"

"[ALL] You're not a voice/video chat service."

"No, I'm Discord, as in the Lord of Chaos."

"[ALL] We're gonna switch from Private to Game chat mode."

And then, like a voice from the heavens, the Red wizard said, "Lord of Chaos, can you hear me?"

Before Discord could answer Yellow, still flinging spells, shouted, "THEY'RE ALL OVER ME! I NEED BACKUP!"

Red turned to Yellow and yelled, "YELLOW DAMN IT! THERE ARE NO ENEMIES IN HERE! YOU CAN STOP SHOOTING SHIT"

"WELL THEY'RE STILL THERE FOR ME" he yelled back.

Blue pushed a non-existent pair of glasses up his nose as he explained, "Yellow has a really slow connection. He keeps saying he'll upgrade his router but never does. Then we have a dilemma, do we leave him to improve our connections but lose a team member, or keep him but lose our good connections? In interests of efficiency, I choose the former."

Green answered right away, "Never choose technology over friendship."

Blue shook his head, "The numbers don't lie."

Red rolled his eyes, "I hate Yellow. I've never hid that. Get rid of him."

Yellow sat down on the couch in a sweat, having killed whatever it was he was fighting and said, "We discussed this, guys! This is only temporary until I get my new router. It'll be ready any day now!"

Green spoke to Discord, "You just caused a lot of trouble getting us here, Lord of Chaos. What's the emergency?"

"Just call me Discord. so, I'm ruling this country, Equestria. I need someone to watch it over while I go to a summit of world leaders," The Lord of Chaos replied.

Green considered this proposition, while Blue asked, "What are the duties of the ruler? How large is Equestria? Are there any contingency plans for the instance in which Red and Yellow inexplicably destroy everything? Twice?"

Red shouted exasperatedly "Hey! I only destroyed the castle once while trying to kill Yellow!"

"Do we get cookies?" asked Yellow eagerly. Discord snapped his fingers and in popped a fresh, steaming tray of chocolate chip cookies for Yellow. He happily set to munching them one by one. Blue took a cookie skeptically, and sampled it before placing it in a plastic bag for future consumption. Green shared half the cookies with Red, to keep him from stealing Yellow's share of the cookies.

"The ruler basically just sits around all day, listening to complaints from the peasants and raising the sun ever-"

"WAIT! Raising the sun?" shouted Blue.

Discord sighed, "Long ago, the planet's orbit began decaying. The leaders of nations held a summit, and decided that the best solution was to appoint one of their number to ritualistically devote a portion of their powers to correcting the orbit on a centennial basis. In fact," he quickly thought up a lie, "Most of my power is tied up into moving the planet through space every day. Equestria has no formal border, but is recognized to extend over several hundred square kilometres. It's more of a county of a greater country, to be honest. Not even worth marking on the map as separate. And yes, there are contingency plans for the destruction of all or part of Equestria."

Yellow raised his hand, "Can we throw parties?"

"What? Why do you want to throw parties?" sputtered Discord.

"I just want to know if we can. For future reference?" Yellow shrugged.

"Sure. Whatever," dismissed Discord, "I'm going to be late for the summit if you keep this up! I may be the physical embodiment of Chaos, but I have no real power over Time. Only a small influence, and I have to work hard for that."

Blue piped up again, "If we have any issues, who should we contact?"

Discord smiled and said "If you have problems, just click your heels together and say 'There's no place like home' three times."

"That only works with silver or ruby slippers, depending on which rendition of the Wizard of Oz you prefer." Blue pointed out.

Discord sighed angrily, "Ugh, if you must have a direct line to me, take my horn here," he said as he took off one of his mismatched horns, "Use it just like a telephone. Or do I have to explain those too?"

Yellow raised his hand, "How do telephones work?"

Discord groaned and snapped his fingers, then disappeared.

"It was a legitimate question!"

Comments

[deeed22]

This ought to be intresting.

[Fiddlove Enfemme]

7308935 I have no idea what I'm writing.

[deeed22]

7310288
That's okay, Magicka is not suppose to make sense. Like literally, very little to no sense.

[Amethyst Blade]

blunt sword raised high

Just so you know...Swords, especially western ones, aren't meant to be as sharp as scapels. Just sharp enough to be practical on the battlefield.
This help resist the dulling effect which is more prominent on sharper blades and let the swordman use the deathstroke technique without cutting his own fingers off when fighting plate armored opponents, breaking things, hooking things (like shields),...