I got bored and made a random story

David leatherhoff from afraid of monsters off right ?

>>777131777131 yes the david from aom

Kool I'm gonna>>777531777531 im gonna read this for shots and giggles and how the story turns out

Couple of constructive criticisms here:

1. The story moves by WAY too fast. You need to slow down and give some descriptions about what's going on, how the characters are feeling, ect. You also need to have the characters react more realistically based on their personality. I mean, David sure is quick to accept that he's in Ponyville. In fact he acts like it's an everyday thing that he sees sapient talking ponies. Not to mention he goes from "Oh god I'm going to die! I shouldn't have taken those drugs again!" to "Oh hey, I'm in Ponyville." almost instantly with no transition whatsoever.

2. Run-on sentences, bro. They're a real problem for new writers (I had problems with it myself when I started), because it's easy to do it without realizing it. Not to mention they doesn't sound as "wrong" as other grammar errors (e.g., Double negatives).

3. Learn when to place periods and commas. This one is also a problem for new writers, because they subconsciously see period and commas as "interrupting the flow of the story". For example, let's take this passage from your story:

Then the light started to fade and I started to hear footsteps in the distance what came was the other version of me in a small stream of light. I was in the state of shock, the nightmare me was back and this time he was going to kill me.

That could do with a little fixing up. Let me make some changes here to show you an example of how/when to use periods and commas.

Then the light started to fade, and I started to hear footsteps in the distance. What came was the other version of me in a small stream of light. I was in a state of shock. The nightmare me was back, and this time he was going to kill me.

Hope this helps you!

>>778785778785Thanks I'll shall fix

>>778957778957

Thanks I'll shall fix

Image: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v301/Streakfury/not-sure-if-serious.jpg

>>779904779904look it's been a long day I was watching TV and lewft the computer on so please be patient I shall fix it in some time around today

>>780013780013 Like any constructive critic, I'm just trying to help. The only reason I do this is to help people get better at writing. You can take as long as you need to, as long as it gets done. The best things are never done in a hurry, anyways.

>>780027780027 Yea and I'm getting this done so I don't have to deal with it later but thanks for the help I really appreciate it

Nice job!

All that we need now is a Cry of Fear fic (:

>>814895814895 I actually have one but its done but Im really busy with bronycobn with freinds

>>836660836660 Really? I thought i was the only person doing one