Ain' it a bit too rushed?

I mean, I quick-scope people on Brink...

But, go slooower with ze storyz, I know, it's your first...

It's hard to say anything at all about this fic with how think the first chapter is, but I think the human character lacks much of a personality. I think it would be more realistic to have him panic for a little bit and still try to kill himself, that desperation disappearing when he realizes the possibility of a better life.

>>4085840858 It is a bit too rushed. I was actually very excited to start this so I might of rushed in a bit. I'll try to improve on that

>>4086140861 The first chapter is very... well it isn't my best work I must say. I rushed into it and didn't really think about it. I'll try to improve on the human characters personality later in the fic.

I agree with the other gent who made a rushed comment. I'll level with you here: What coaxed me into reading this wasn't the description, but the title, it was simple and strong, just a single word packing power behind it, that's what I like.  I love your concept, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this (I will see more won't I?) Good f**king job, I'm assuming this is your first fic, yes? All I have in criticisms is to take your time when you build up your setting and characters. Grammar isn't really an issue in story writing to me but you might catch hell for it from someone else. I'm tracking this story to see where you go with it.

>>4091140911 I'll be honest with you, I was about to give up on this fic before I read this comment. I really appreciate it. Thank you

>>4091340913 NEVER F**KING QUIT!! Ride out what you got, and if the score is low when you finish, oh well, learn from your mistakes adapt, and make the next one twice as good.

New Update! My plan is to go for short chapters at about 500 or more words. Just a simple amount so you don't spend all your time reading my silly fanfic Thank you for reading and enjoy!

Again, the human character lacks personality. First second he's emo, another he's happy, there needs to be consistency. It would also help his character out if you started asking questions about it, like "why hasn't he tried approaching others as opposed to being approached? What did his parents have to say about this? What about his teachers?" Plus, you need a lot more motivation to kill yourself other than lack of friends; bad grades, negative reinforcement, bad environment, etc., otherwise he just looks pathetic, especially when he knows it'll hurt those he cares about.

That's the thing about a suicidal mindset; if you want him to look sane, you'd have to put him through hell-on-earth and back, alleviation from said pain over-weighing (at least in his mind) the cost of hurting those closest to him.

I don't think a fic with such short chapters and a suicidal character can be done right, one topic or scene would have to be stretched across several chapters in order for it to feel full enough so that readers can attach to this human, otherwise they'll say "burn the freak at the stake!" or they simply don't care if he lives or dies. In fact, the latter is how I feel about Tyler. I just don't care about him...

>>4112241122 I agree with you on it all.

>>4112241122

Sorry, but I haf'ta agree with him Master.

It isn't bad, actually, it's a very good Idea, just done in the wrong way. Fix it and it will be magnificent.

Also, make the chapters longer.

>>4112241122 I really really appreciate the criticism. It helps me better my writing a lot. So for right now I am putting the story on hiatus until I have time to fix the first 2 chapters and then work on the next ones. I have ideas I just need to make those ideas longer and such. Again thank you so much.

>>4159541595 Thank you. I'll be putting the fic on hiatus until I have time to fix it.

from what i can see this is a simple premace, but definately a good one...

you just have to flush it out more make it feel more tangible,  its a lot more imersive to show us how his life his a living hell then to just tell us.

Like Agai_lazen said this guy needs a LOT of motivation to actually attempt to off himself. from what I can tell you want your main character to feel alone, right? you stated he's 14, so if you really want him to off himself at an early age, abusive parent(s) are required, if not physical then mental.

also I would suggest you take a better look at your sentence structure, for example; you wrote: "He is 14 years old and enjoys many things."

first off, this is a sentance fragment, grammar 101.

two, whe you say "enjoys many things" you are not really telling us anything, it is usally a safe asumtion that all people "enjoy many things". from the readers perspective, this line doesn't tell us anything about the character.

the phrase "enjoys many things" if used should be followed immidately by a list of some sort and something to contrast it.

for example: "I enjoy many things, games, football(american and otherwise), TV... and hanging upside down from a flagpole with my pants around my ankles is definately NOT one of those things!"

I suggest that you look at some of the other fan fics (personally i would suggest "The conversion bureau: last man standing, for story alone, the only FF to date that made me cry, it was so well done) just to get a sense of what your sentances should look like.

writing is a lot like painting, only a lot harder, you pain the world you see in your mind with words instead of colors. With a painting a simple glance can tell you if its a masterpiece or a utter failure. With writing you have to go over your work a hundred times to make sure you made no mistakes. only then will it be ACCEPTABLE, you need to make things more discriptive, always more discriptive, to make something more interesting and immersive while remaining coherent.

Final tip, get a Synonym dictionary. It will help immensly with descriptors, for example: instead of saying simply

1"he said" you can go with

2"he muttered" or

3"he said to no one in particular" or

4"he said flattly".

the first is basic grammar, nothing special, but nothing wrong with it either.

the second is better it partially describes his emotional state, maybe hes mad, maybe hes ashamed, maybe hes just a quiet person.

the third shows intent, it shows he is not adressing a singlar person and best used when simply stating an observation, opinion or idea, the inverse of this type of descriptor would be "he said, turning to swiftly to Twilight" this shows he's addresing a singular person, though for comedic effect you could have him address a rock or tree. "the tree seemed to be rather indifferant of the situation" is allways a good follow up.

The fourth is a more phonic descriptor, it indicates his tone of voice when he speaks, as humans take a lot of ques from tone.  another example of this would be:

"That sounds like a great idea", he said exitedly

"That sounds like a great idea", he said sarcaticly

the dialogue doesnt need to change to get the tone across.

hope this helps you in your writing, most people perform some of these steps unconcously and therefore inconsistantly. by actually thinking about your process you usally get better results. happy writing!

also last tidbit, abusive parents dont have to be intentionaly abusive, because they usally never are, it could be simple lack of restraint, or an addiction that they cant help but crave, be creative with the motivations of your characters, even if they only have only a few scenes, its important to make them feel real.

are you gonna make more?