Not Really a Secret
“How in Equestria do you do it, Cheerilee?”
“Hmm? Do what, exactly?” The fuchsia mare asked, looking up over her cup of coffee to raise an eyebrow at the alabaster unicorn across from her. It was a warm, sunny, spring day, and the Ponyville teacher was sitting at an outdoor table with the older sisters of her three most “active” students; Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash, though the pegasus’ status as sister was one sandwiched between air quotes. They were here for an impromptu Parent-Teacher conference on why giving the CMC power tools and a year’s supply of chewing gum all at once is a bad idea.
Oh, and Twilight Sparkle was with them for some reason as well. Officially so she could discuss better methods of study in “Twilight Time” for her pupils, but truthfully because she didn’t want to hear Spike talking about comics and hoofball again.
Idly, Twilight wondered if Starlight would forgive her for ditching her. Meh. A cupcake from Sugercube Corner would solve that friendship problem.
“I mean, how is it you’re able to teach so many foals, and yet not suffer from their, you know, special defense?” Rarity explained, though not doing so much of that.
“Special defense?” Cheerilee inquired.
“Their gosh darn cuteness,” Applejack elaborated, to which the other mares all nodded.
“Yes, it seems that their ability to get out of trouble, and homework, is exceptional. All they do is open their eyes wide, add a tear, quiver their lips a bit, and the next thing I know they’ve been gone half an hour and Spike is wondering why I collapsed on the floor,” Twilight said.
“Ah, you mean Acute Cuteness Overload Syndrome,” the school teacher said with dawning understanding.
“Yes, that!” Twilight said excitedly.
“Why are foals that adorable anyways? I mean, what possible need is there for things to be cute?” Rainbow groused.
“Because it’s an old evolutionary defense mechanism,” Twilight stated, the cyan pegasus groaning as she felt a lecture coming on.
“Sure, ponies have magic, each tribe with their own unique defenses, but foals don’t have that sort of control over them. So they seem to have developed a way to overpower their foes through sheer adorableness. The channel their undeveloped magical powers and use it to disable predators.”
“I always felt it was magical in nature,” Rarity mused, sipping at her tea.
“It’s certainly impressive! After all, it’s the Number One cause of death in Equestria,” Twilight added, earning shocked and disbelieving looks from her friends.
“It’s what now?” Rainbow asked, incredulously.
“Oh yes, for the past three hundred years, the numbers of deaths caused by heart attacks induced by the cuteness of foals has topped the charts of ‘Reasons why Ponies Die,’ followed closely by zippers,” Cheerilee chimed in, apparently unconcerned. “With ponies living longer lives thanks to medicine and fewer monster attacks, the overwhelming Power of Cute foals possess does serious damage to folks with weak hearts. That’s why no one over the age of sixty is allowed in Maternity Wards or Preschools.”
“It was my Teaching license and Master’s degree thesis topic,” Cheerilee said at their surprised looks, calming partaking of her dark brown caffeine brew. “’Know your enemy,’ as Sunny Zoo once said.”
"So then how the heck are you still alive?” Rainbow inquired, looking at Cheerilee suspiciously. “You’re surrounded by foals day in and day out, and have probably been shot with so much cute your heart should’ve exploded! Literally!”
“Yes, darling! I must know your secret! How is it you’ve managed to resist their looks all these years?” Rarity leaned in, eager to learn.
“I’ll admit, Ah’d like to know too. That way Applebloom won’t be able to wiggle her way outta chores no more,” Applejack added in.
“Have you built up immunity? Fortified yourself through Earth Pony magic?” Twilight asked, intrigued and excited.
“Are you a Changeling that feeds on their cuteness?” Everypony just looked at Dash with a deadpan stare. “What?! It’s a valid question!”
Cheerilee chuckled. “Oh, it’s nothing like that at all, you two! I just had my heart ripped out through an arcane ritual.”
Silence. A cricket. More silence. Tumbleweed.
“Wut.”
“Oh yes! It’s one of the requirements for becoming a teacher in Equestria! Once you pass the test, they take you into a big, candle lit room with a pentagram, bind you to a slab, and proceed to tear your heart out with ancient spells spoken in Eldrich tongues.”
‘Kali Ma! Kali Ma!’ Dark whispers echoed across the winds, and the four Elements of Harmony shuddered.
“No seriously, wut.”
“And then they stuff your still living heart into an enchanted glass jar, and bind it with arcane runes. Fueled by the dark, necromantic energies of the Ponynomicon, you become a full-fledged teacher, immune to even the most puppy-like of foals,” Cheerilee continued, blithely unaware, or simply uncaring, of the stunned, semi-comatose state her listeners were in.
“After that, they let you go. They pass you your teaching certificate, give you a pat on the withers, and send you on your way, with only the knowledge that you live only to serve the young and the living now, no matter how much you may come to wish for the sweet embrace of death or retirement,” Cheerilee finished, a haunted look in her eyes fading as quickly as it arrived.
“…You’re joking, right?” Rainbow demanded. The Earth Pony mare just shrugged.
“Oh, not at all.”
“But, but, how?! No way Princess Celestia would allow something like that!!” Twilight screeched in disbelief. “Dark magic? Heart ripping? PONYNOMICON?!”
“Of course Princess Celestia approves of this. Who else do you think does the heart-ripping?” Cheerilee revealed. Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Yeah, surprised me too. Though I’ve heard Luna is taking over for it nowadays.”
“Do you still have your heart?” Rarity inquired after a moment of awkward silence.
“Rarity! Why would you ask that?!” Twilight bellowed, coming close to using the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“It’s no trouble at all, Twilight,” Cheerilee assured the purple alicorn. “If you must know, I keep it above my fireplace, on the mantlepiece.”
“Why there?” Applejack asked.
“Where else would you put a severed yet still beating heart?” Mouths opened, but quickly closed. They had no real answer to that.
“How long has this been going on?” Rainbow asked after a lull.
“Oh, centuries, at least.”
“But, surely we’d notice something like that?” Twilight wondered, mane starting to frizz in her agitation.
“Seriously? Have none of you never noticed how cold and uncaring your teachers were when you were all in school? How they all had that dead, lifeless look to them?”
“It makes sense when ya think about it, Ah guess,” Applejack said after a moment of browsing her memories. The rest of the mares nodded.
“Oh, but something new is sweeping the academic world,” Cheerilee said, as she remembered a memo she’d gotten a while back. “Apparently Changelings will be used as Teacher’s Aides soon, since they can feed off the cuteness of foals without any ill-effects.”
“HA! I was right! Sort of!” Rainbow crowed.
“Wait, is that why there’s been that Changeling walking around undisguised all this time?” Twilight inquired, recalling something back from Cranky and Matilda’s wedding.
“Yes, indeed. They make really good teachers apparently. They already have the heartless, emotionless, drinks-the-tears-of-foals-for-nourishment parts down pat without the need for dark rituals!” Cheerilee said cheerfully, pulling a flask out from somewhere and pouring a stream of clear liquid into her coffee. Four pairs of horrified eyes watched the Elementary School Teacher as she drained her mug with relish.
“Ahhh~! That warms the void!”
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I usually don't go for random comedy one shots, but I enjoyed this. The head canon, the references both were spot on.
7191395
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed my brain-farts!
Kind of funny. But... if she had her heart removed and is emotionless, how did the love poison affect her?
Cheerilee is a darn good actor if she can then fake all the caring that she has shown in the show. Also does Celestia or Luna wear the head dress like that guy did in the movie? Also how did Celestia get Ash to give up the book? Have an upvote and a fave!
7191423
Magic! The answer to all your problems!
I give up what picture???????????
Wat?
What picture you don't own, exactly?
Then how is she still alive?
Grimderp is the best kind of humor.
7191746
Dark necromantic rituals. Obviously.
7191524
7191713
Sorry for the confusion. I tried uploading a cover image, and it didn't work. Couldn't find out why, so I just embedded the image into the description.
7191423 Common misconception about the forbidden arts a series-
The heart is considered the source of all magic as it is the source of emotion is for all purposes false as proven by during the later half of the Renaissance, instead the heart is one of the largest collectors and manipulators of magic as blood is highly conductive to thaumagenic energy...hence sanguinemancy being so potent a practice that the term "blood magic" has gotten a bad rap due to rather inexperienced mages fooling around in the art.
It is also why the undead collective known as the "Equestrian teachers association" can still feel the effects of a love potion that was made by a bunch of well meaning fillies intent on finding their teacher a date.
jajajajajajajajajajaja!!!! this is gold!!!
Ha!
You really hate school, aren't you?
7194587
I have 2 ten page essays, 1 twenty page essay, 2 finals tests, and a ten minute presentation due next week. I might have a little bias.
7194926
As a fellow who has 35 hours and 7 minutes precisely until he has to hand in his dissertation, I sympathise.
Well, that explains a lot about the Teaching students I've met.
HAH! I knew that cuteness was an evolutionary strategy!!
Props to Celestia for figuring a way around it...