something irks me about this. The blurb you wrote just comes off as the OC mary sue formula.

Especially with that "memory loss" cliche. but since I'm not reading it I won't judge it bad or good. I will say your blurb is though.

I haven't read it yet, put it on my "to read", but I did have a chuckle at the title.

Shadowmare? HE is a shadowmare? You do know what a mare is, right?

The description does make it sound mary-sue(ish), though.

Indeed it does come off as a mary sue but every story needs time

That was the worst description for a story. Ever.

The description ALONE turns me off to the story, not even regarding how "Gary Stu" the protagonist seems, coupled along with a very tired premise cliche.

>>766801766801 Shadowmare a play on words... it's like "nightmare". And as for him being a mary sue, he has reasons he can't or doesn't use his full potential at any given time. Using stronger than average magic reveals his position to the ones hunting him, he is very rarely found flying (I will go over why in a future chapter), and if he uses his strength in a fight... well you know what happens.

>>767500767500 If the description turned you off the story, why did you read it? When I see something I think I'll hate, I don't go, "hey that looks horrible! I think I'll read it!"

>>767593767593

I was merely trying to point out that a Mare in the context of the show is an adult female. :P

>>768355768355 And I was trying to point out that you shouldn't take everything so litterally.

>>767623767623

Don't hate your story. Just wish more thought/effort went into it. Can't really dislike something until you try it. Tried it, didn't like it.

>>768370768370

And with that, I'm out.

Don't use terms from the show wrong if you're going to make a mediocre story. If you made a great story, sure, but a mediocre one doesn't get the same breaks.

And I'm being nice when I say mediocre.

That's not even saying anything about the 'tude.

>>768476768476 Well I'm sorry that my efforts to impress you were in vain. Next time I'll try to make something to satisfy your "sophisticated" palate.

>>768556768556

Sure!

>>768520768520 Sorry if I came off as pissed but I'm just so damn tired of hearing the same old shit every time I get a review. Your comment just happened to push the wrong buttons. I have nothing against you, just everyone who keeps telling me that my writing sucks when I've been putting all my time and effort into it. I'm just looking for one positive comment or review, just to know that what I make isn't just a load of useless crap that everybody hates...

>>768610768610

Your writing is good, don't get me wrong. Your writing is a lot better than some of the other people who I've read stories from. It might seem like something small to you, but a lot of stories I have started to read don't even capitalize. There is no punctuation sometimes, either. Maybe that will be something that the mods will eventually do something about, though I do doubt it. The reason why I've been as harsh as I have been is because of the good writing. If you've read my stories, you'd know that I lack the same writing ability.

Your writing is good, but you're likely to receive some hatred for the content. I also received hatred for my initial description for my first story, and I thought about it and changed it a few times until it felt better to me. I would suggest that you take a step back, try to get the creative juices flowing as to the description and maybe a premise for a second story. This one isn't horrible, but I know that I'm picking up more on how to write the fanfictions better with each passing story. I'm working on a fourth and fifth story, and I feel that they're more MLP than the first ones that I wrote.

It's a learning experience, that we're all taking part in.

>>768670768670 I never said that I made it to be like the show. I have actually been trying to make it more "Adult" than it normally would be just to make it more appealing to people like me. If I wanted to make a harmless cartoony story I would have, but I like to take things into an ever so slightly darker view. I also figured that to make it more intense I would need to make more powerful characters, rather than piss people off by making the cannon characters like Twilight gain enhanced abilities for some unknown reason. There is a reason to my chaos, but if people aren't willing to give me a chance, I don't see the point in going any further.

i have no idea what this gary stu thing is the everypony here seems to be describing the charactor as and i dont want to know.

this story is great or atleast to me it is. very unique as i havent read any story anything like it and im supprised at the dislikes

the only bad thing i noticed is how he calls him self a shadowmare..... maybe shadowcolt could work better seeing as hes a guy?

but ur story anyway

also because of u i now have 3 songs to add to me i pod

anyway im looking forward to future chapters

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3q0tcyLSk1rnarluo1_500.gif

edit: just read the previous comments and i see why u called him a shadowmare... so never mind about that

>>772882772882 Thank you! Finally I get some good feedback for once! Everywhere I've been it just been negative reviews and bitching. I was about to forget the writing thing and delete it all because of the crap I was hearing. However now that i see at least one person has something nice to say I'll continue... at least for now.

>>773939773939 id hate to see this story die it would just be a waste.

and to the ponys out there giving this a bad review i realy dont see y and theres only one thing i gotta say to you all.

Image: http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/4/25/dF2Eii53gU6QJakZzEyb-g2.jpg

(also WTF i just relised ive been typing with pony words without meaning to..... WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!)

you've a really good story here (despite the spelling, & a few grammar twitches) , and the links actually helped the impact of the story, since you seen to find the right songs.

It's a shame that there's not to many comments on this story.

that's all you got right now?

I want MoAR~

as for the "Shadowmare" thing that people are saying in the comments, I don't think you need to change that, especally since I keep thinking about the dark horse from Skyrim: Shadowmare, since I see it as a Name and not a definition of Gender.

As for the "Mary sue" stuff (I had to wiki it), I don't really see it too much, other than how quickly he recovered from depression in this chapter.  I mean you have given him some flaws like his ever changing IQ (which is funny at times but can be confusing to how smart he really is), he lack of cooking skills, and what I find the most important in terms of plot device is his genetic flaw of being a heartless fighter. his genetic flaw can make the story really interesting if played right, like he is dealing with it but it doesn't mean the problem is gone..especially since Discord is still free at the moment

oh and be careful of word choose since I've seen a few words that isn't the right word you wanted to put down, Like you had put down "through" when you meant "Threw"

so that's what I've got to say about your story and keep up the good work

Yeah, I just want to point out that mare was originally mearh in Old English and was one of a few words for "horse."  It did not originally have the strict association with gender, hence Nightmares and other mythological creatures with that element in their name, and Tolkien's Mearas (which is simply the plural of mearh).  Shadowmares as the name of a race is fine.  It's not misusing the show's terminology, MLP doesn't have a monopoly on words for horses...

I just wanted to comment on this one thing, since it turned into a big debate for no reason...I haven't read the story yet, and it's frankly going to be a while, because my read later list is over 4,000 strong, because I'm no kind of sane and want to read ALL the fics!  So yeah.  Sorry, no meaningful feedback for now.

..... well poisen jokes a bitch

great chapter with an interesting cliffhanger at the end

only thing i can see right now to improve on are some more spaces as compressed writing can be difficult for somponys out there to read

looking forward to the next chapter

shadowless_night

big wall of text, separate out the paragraphs start new ones every time the speaker changes

doing this will make your story a lot easier to read

another great chapter although now i have to add to my list of wants several torturing tools maybe some heavy weaponry an impenetrable shield to protect me the strength of luna celestia discord nightmare moon god jesus any other gods from any religion including games like Skyrim wich have deities and a way into the light mares base.

seriously after reading all that those (number of words that would of made fluttershy cry if i typed them)are gonna pay

now Im going on a week holiday with my family in 12 hours and wont have internet access so im going to sleep and when i get back there better be a chapter were those (pinkie pie breaks down into tears when her 4th wall powers pick up my thoughts) get molestias horn shoved so far up their flanks its sticking out there eyes! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!?!?!?

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/273/885/6c4.gif

Image: http://mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2331-Spike_kill_it_with_fire.gif

Image: http://files.sharenator.com/k67040_Kill_it_with_fire_RE_Titles_on_Posts_are_Soooo_Mainstream-s256x192-162844-580.gif

seriously if theres one thing that makes me angrier then fluttershy not getting loved by animals, its bucking child murder. even worse when he was forced to kill the kid. seriously i was begging in my mind for it to somehow escape

oh last thing celestia and luna wouldn't just turn a blind eye to a whole town being destroyed so... remember to incorporate there reactions or give a VERY good excuse of cover up for it as its not like no pony would notice   Well read you in a week (do you see what i did there ? mwa ha ha ha horrible pun ! ftw)

>>860827860827 Okay, first of all, wow... that was one hell of a reaction. Second, the death of the filly was needed to show why the Lightmares need to be stopped at all costs (because they are a ruthless legion of mass murderers). Third, the city was pretty far away from Canterlot (since they use the Quick-Stream to travel) and there were no survivors so it may take a while for word to spread. And fourth, I will take as much time as I need to get the next chapter done. I work at my own pace, no one elses. However it does normally take me like a week to make each chapter so we'll see.

>>862004862004 Lol you can thank shadowless night for my fav and like as he told me about this story.

>>917656917656 eh hem i have just returned from my trip and ive only got this to say

*takes glasses off*

mother of celestia 120 chapters have updated.......

what is this sleep u speak off?

This touched me significantly, and this is the first chapter! Keep being an awesome writer

>>972544972544 Thank you, and I believe it gets better as it goes along.

>>973071973071 I would like to say, that I'n loving the plot of this story and the story itself, especially with the links you put in but you really need an editor or something to fix the sentences up etc. If you want, let me be your editor because I'm good with that sort of stuff and I would really love to see this story get more likes. Please consider what I am asking

..... ok ether A twilight needs to exsplain things in more detail in her future letters or B your celestia is a bit of a bitch... just saying cause she obviously doesnt know about the circumstance wich forced him to help raise Manehatten otherwise i doubt she would want to execute him  

but then again now this gives us (the readers) an interesting thing to ponder wich is how celestia reacts to finding that infomation out. also if i were him id probably of ether A thrown the guitar at Celestia or B said Buck you and smashed it. so i probably would be in the same situation as him

looking forward to the next chapter AND IN THE NAME OF LUNA WHAT IS A GHOST DOING THERE?

(pinkie pie) OOO OOO doesitlikeparties?ibetitlikespartiesandcupcakeswithhotsauceormaybeitlikesdrinksmorelikepunchorappleci-

(me) PINKIE please dont invade my comments its a bit rude

(piinkie pie) okie dokie lokie

(me)...... by the way did u remember to bring cupcakes?

(pinkie pie) of course silly filly

(me) yay *bites one* GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOT SAUCE

(pinkie pie) well shadowless_nights run off so ill finish this comment for him *gasp*maybehewillsmileandwewillbecomebestoffriendsifiwritethis!!!!!

well hes looking forward to the next chapter bye!

>>975495975495 Sounds okay to me. I was actually hoping to find someone to edit for me. It's hard enough coming up with the story and drawing all the pictures to go with it, so editing is the last thing on my mind when I finish a chapter. In short, I would be happy to have you as an editor. >>975887975887 It's all part of the story. Things will (probably) work out in the end. Trust me on this.

>>976635976635 Yay

I forgot to say this before but I'm picking up alot of League of Legend's champion names here :P

>>984324984324 yeah Ezreal is the name of a League of Legend's name that I was suggested to use by a friend. It's sort of a special treat for fans of the game. I liked the name and the character's look so I thought I would put a reference in. The name should be the only relation as far as I know though.

>>984379984379 Ezreal is my main and favourite character in League :P (As soon as I saw this when reading I felt that this story became 20% cooler).

>>984408984408 Well as far as I know I just used the name. Any other relation to the characters in the game would be a coincidence if there are any other similarities... haven't played the game but I have been told that I should when I get the chance.

daaaaw. enough said

Yeah pretty good, i'll make sure to keep up with this one

:D

>>10093961009396 I know you will Fluttershy person!

>>10118441011844

Still loving where this story is heading :P Take your time, can't rush perfection, well you know what I mean, so take your time if you need to. Keep up the good work

.... i cant think of anything to post.... but i dont wanna not comment....

ooo ooo GENIOUS

when you do return to fight the lightmares ill send my most powerful platoon to help you!

>>10605991060599 Thank you, I will. I've actually been postponing this break for a while now, but I figured I had enough when I started feeling like Applejack at apple bucking season.   >>10618071061807 Uh... That's generous and everything, but I think I'll pass on those guys.

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY SMILES

TAKE MY SMILES AS WELL

>>11649491164949 Okay, I shall add them to my smile collection... right next to my bottles of unicorn tears (to be used only for emergencies) and my sword collection (because you can never have enough swords!).

>>11663051166305

You are missing one final thing in that collection of yours. There needs to be fire/explosives. You do not mess with the guy with tons of swords, unicorn tears, and a hell of a lot of fire to sooth the pyrotechnic soul. Or enough fire power to take out a small continent.

>>11680581168058 Well I didn't want to sound like a show off, but yes, fire and explosives are fun! It's like I always say...

you can't spell slaughter without laughter!

>>11692701169270

  Agreed  

Putting this to read later pile, will drop by a comment by then :D

YAY! IT'S THE DOCTOR!

>>13099971309997 He's my second favorite of all time... right next to Derpy!

Image: http://th00.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/i/2012/246/3/8/daily_muffin_by_cradeelcin-d5dgbnf.jpg

says it all

:D A story well done, though if you do do a sequel what will the plot be about?? Lux escaping or maybe the Shadowmares coming back? And if your going to do you in Equestria would it be a trololol, a sad, a random or happy etc fic?

>>14727081472708 The sequel would revolve around Fireflys rescue and there would be a few new characters later in the story to mix things up... I dont feel comfortable revealing more than that, but trust me, it is something that would probably end up being better than this. The other one would be sort of a comedy fic but it would have serious moments too. Mostly I want to do it to reveal who I really am and what I'm like, problems and all.

>>14727741472774 K, so far I can only say choose what you feel like at the time, and stick with it.

Yay im glad you continued this turned out a great story and i will be recommending it to my friends. good luck with the sequel ill be sure to look out for it

Wow this story has been awesome and i would recommend it to my friends if there were only other bronies in Lithuania

Three things...

First, AMAZING story. All of the down-voters have menal issues, and not the fun kind.

Second, AMAZING music choices. They fit the the story perfectly, and you showed me many amazing songs.

Third, in regards to a sequel...

-If you do idea #2, going to equestria through a portal in your computer because your house got struck by lightning is a horribly cliche idea. And not one of the good ones. Think of a different way into Equestria.

-As for which idea to choose, why not both? You could be dropped into Daemon's Equestria. That way you don't have to choose.

All in all...

Image: http://www.thedawgpound.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/clapping_smiley_emoticon.gif

>>17204791720479 I'm glad you like the story but the voting is already over and I am going to post chapter one of the sequel soon (probably tomorrow). As for the lightning strike idea... it wouldnt be a normal lightning strike, it would be more 'magical' than your everyday bolt of electricity. The portal wouldn't have been very friendly either. Also don't you think it would be a little cliche and boring if I were to end up in the same world as my own character? Where would be the hook if I was happy?

>>17211951721195

True...

>>17212171721217 Oh and before I forget... look at my profile pic. Do I look like a happy guy to begin with? A grump like me, who is constantly trying to rationalize and explain things in a logical sense, would end up going insane in a colorful land of friendly ponies and magic.

>>17214241721424

You could use the two quotes that most people use when they go to Equestria. And I quote...

It's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit.

and...

"How the hell did she do rhat?!?!" I yell.

"She's Pinkie Pie."

>>17215251721525 yeah if I really went to equestria and a pony tried to convince me of magic, I would probably just use my own saying... 'magic... doesnt... EXIST!' or maybe 'I don't believe figments of my imagination'... you know the basic stuff.

Yelling those things could possibly result in one of two possible reactions if Fluttershy saw that. Either...

A) The Stare™

Or...

B) Fluttershy crying, which would result in every single pony within the town showing up to kick your ass (or flank, cuz ponies)

>>17216081721608 I know but thats something I would have to deal with sooner or later given my sometimes 'harsh' personality.

>>17216381721638

How would you like to have the Equestrian World Record for the most bruises gotter in 10 minutes? Also, derp.

>>17216871721687 I wouldn't like it, but I can't help who I am and I won't change my morals just because others don't like me for it.

>>17217101721710

I agree with you, however I recommend you start working on your free-running skills. I foresee them coming in handy in the near future.

>>17217471721747 I don't run... technically I can't. I would have to use my brain to get out of any mess I would get into.

>>17217571721757

Okay then, think of some hiding spots. Or make a teleporter. I don't think option two is very likely, though.

>>17217691721769 I don't think you quite realize how smart I really am... have you ever seen Death Note or Sherlock Holmes? I am like L or the great detective himself. I can take one look at you, figure out where your weak point is, and then give you a small tap in just the right area, taking advantage of your center of gravity and knocking you flat on the ground.

That's great and all in a one on one, but when you have a whole mob charging you from all directions, that doesn't help you too much.

>>17218641721864 thats where strategy would come in to play, I would pick a location where I would only have to worry about one at a time or somewhere I would have the upper hand. however since I dont like to fight, I would probably try to talk my way out of it if they all wanted to rush me at once... i can be very guileful when i want to be.

>>17220571722057

Oh, ye got yerself a silver tongue, do ye?

>>17221271722127 maybe...

This was pretty good, Just found the squeal today and I have a lot of catching up to do.

>>17292461729246 glad you like it

Amazing story! I can't wait to read the next book

This was just... So beautiful. Excuse me for a second.

Anyways, great chapter.

I'm loving the music you add to this story. It makes the whole thing better in my opinion. Good job!

>>17887051788705 thanks, I do my best to make it fit.

That was an amazing story. I think I have a new favourite.

>>17964781796478 thanks, I believe the sequel might become even better if things pan out right

Why was this story added to the Human in Equestria group?

>>19346721934672 Sorry I derped that up when I tried to add my other story. I deleted it as soon as I could. Please don't be mad as it was an accident.

>>19349901934990

Okay then. Wasn't mad. Just confused.

>Green waffles

>>23298742329874 yes I am one funny bastard!