Nice keep up the awsomness.Can't wait for more chapters.

I think the description should look more like:

'Demic is a unicorn with a curse that placed five minds within him that are bent on killing him. Fighting them off, all he sees are the grim things in life, until he meets a group of ponies that care. But with his curse, will he have to continue the cycle of isolating himself for the sake of others, or will he find love and face his demons?'

Also, shouldn't the title of the story be 'Demons Within'?

>>19562971956297 thanks I will fix it later when I get a chance and how is it?

>>19563231956323

Oh, I didn't have the time to read it yet, but I'll probably get to it tomorrow, along with an Authors Helping Authors review

MadBrony here from Authors Helping Authors

Name: Demons within

Grammar: 2

Pros: I like the idea of the main character having to fight off demons that reside in his mind. It sorta seems like the mental condition Schizophrenia. This could turn out to be a good story with some good psychological aspects.

Cons: Grammar. It needs a lot of work. Whenever a character says something, always start a new paragraph. Try to get more detail into the chapters, as that makes for good reading and helps the reader visualise the story in their head.

Notes: Like I said before, grammar is the biggest issue here. I suggest getting a prereader and editor to help with the mistakes. The premise seems good, but it also seems like a self insert. If it is, try not to make super cliche, as that will most likely cause the  reader to not enjoy your story. Avoid big cliches, for example, insta-romance, Overpowered OC's, etc.

Also don't rush to get your chapters out. Take your time and plan them well, it will make your story heaps better.

I hope this review was useful to you, please review my story, The Arrival

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Demons within

Grammar Score: 2

Pros:

- Even though you did an OC story, you didn't resort to a red/black alicorn. Good on you!

- The premise is pretty original

- The spelling is good, I didn't catch any spelling mistakes. However, that might have been due to...

Cons:

- Dat grammar. It reeeeeally distracted from the story. I suggest both reading up on grammar rules (whether by reading it on the web for a few hours or reading and actual grammar book) and getting and editor to help you. This may be your lowest point, but that means that the other cons aren't as harsh!

- If you're going to have pictures of your OC's, could you pleeeease only have them in the cover art or the comments? It just seems weird to have it in the actual story like that

- Try to have more of what the characters are doing. Sometimes someone shifting uncomfortably is a better way of showing that someone is socially awkward than putting "awkwardly" in all of their speech tags! (Just a random example lol)

Notes:

I think that with LOTS of TLC, this story can be salvaged and have potential. If you really want to tackle that kind of project, by all means do so. Otherwise, sometimes starting fresh is easier. I just hope that you blossom as a writer and learn from your mistakes!

I hope that this review helped you in some way! If you have the time, I would love it if you checked out my story, The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten

Your Faithful Critic,

FlanChan

I like the idea for this story. For that you get a like and I will be keeping my eye on it. But, there are some major concerns I have about it.

1. Please for the Love of Celestia use paragraphs!!! It’s really hard to read without them.

2. If you could please attempted to add more description to what’s happening. I found myself getting lost and confused whilst reading it.

If you fix these problems, then I think you may have a winning story and a favourite form me.

>>20624382062438 okay i will work on that

I'm going to grammar check after each chapter;

Intro:

Demic is a unicorn with a curse that place 5 minds with in him bent on killing him. fighting them off all he sees is the grim stuff in life in till he meets a group of ponies that care but with his curse will he have to continue the cycle of isolating himself for the sake of others or will he find love and face his demons?

Just a few grammar errors here, all excusable. A quick edit turns it into

Demic is a unicorn with a curse that places five minds within him, bent on killing him. Fighting them off, all he sees is the grim stuff in life until he meets a group of ponies that care. But with his curse, will he have to continue the cycle of isolating himself for the sake of others, or will he find love and face his demons?

Moving on to chapter one. Tip: capitalize all over two-letter words and 'I's in titles.

Chapter one tips: Move authors' notes into the new author-note box.

Put a space on either side of a break.

blah blah blah

[space]

-----

[space]

blah blah blah

Start a new line whenever someone talks.

"blah blah blah." blah blah blah.

"blah blah blah?" blah blah.

"blah blah blah." blah blah blah.

Capitalize names...

Blah blah blah Twilight blah blah blah.

after periods...

...blah blah blah. Blah blah blah

and when a new person is speaking.

"Blah blah blah?" Blah blah.

"Blah blah blah." Blah blah blah.

Other that minor grammar stuffs, the story is good! Onto chapter two!

Same comments as before, and I expect to see more chapters in the future!

>>20942002094200 can you hold off making your blog post till Sunday? that way i can edit the story with your input

>>20942202094220

Of course! I have to post a blog telling people to submit anyways, and I'm not that fast when it comes to writing blogs anyway.