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Lux 113291

Joined April 2012
66 followers

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    Lux's Stories (11)

    • The Girl Named Pinkie Pie
      A man meets a girl who looks and acts like Pinkie Pie.

      13,672 words · 1,725 views · 153 likes · 8 dislikes
    • Grow Up, Apple Bloom
      Apple Bloom makes a desperate attempt to get her cutie mark.
      13,434 words · 1,898 views · 97 likes · 4 dislikes
    • Sisterly Love
      Two ponies are drawn into a strong bond of sisterhood
      12,285 words · 700 views · 51 likes · 3 dislikes
    • Love is Magic
      Can Twilight Sparkle find the love of her life?
      22,291 words · 881 views · 52 likes · 5 dislikes
    • The Lost
      20,667 words · 945 views · 45 likes · 5 dislikes
    • Book of Memories
      1,589 words · 346 views · 12 likes · 0 dislikes
    • I, Little Pony
      11,385 words · 379 views · 31 likes · 5 dislikes
    • The Best Party Ever!
      1,778 words · 217 views · 7 likes · 0 dislikes
    • Luna's Nightmare
      2,074 words · 500 views · 6 likes · 0 dislikes
    • Conversion Bureau: A Girl's Wish
      9,626 words · 589 views · 42 likes · 25 dislikes
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    Grow Up, Apple Bloom

    Chapter 1 – Another Failed Crusade

    “Did you get your cutie mark, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said.

    The Earth pony looked behind with a look of hope. Maybe, just maybe, today would be the day that she finally got her cutie mark. As she gazed at her empty flank, her looked changed to disappointment.

    “No, Scootaloo. No mark yet. Did ya git yers, Sweetie Belle?”

    The unicorn looked at her flank and her face looked in surprise. “Wait, I think I see something!”

    “Ya found yer mark, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said as she trotted over to her friend. Scootallo followed and looked at her unicorn friend.

    “Aww! It’s just a leaf,” the orange Pegasus pony said as she flicked the red maple leaf from her friend’s flank.

    “Ah guess we can scratch trailblazin’ off our list then,” Apple Bloom said with a sigh.

    “Well, that’s interpretive dancing, pie eating and trailblazing, and no marks for those,” Sweetie Belle said.

    The two Crusaders piled into the wagon attached to the scooter and Scootaloo motored the three of them out of the forest. Overhead, the sun was low in the sky, indicating that soon it would be evening. Their day of crusading was over and it was time the three returned to their respective homes.

    “How many things we have tried so far Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo asked Apple Bloom as she buzzed along with her wings.

    “Well with the three we did today, ah’d say it’s one hundred an’ thirty three things we did so far, give or take a few,” Apple Bloom said.

    Saying this, the earth pony noticed how the two looked even more upset at their recent failure. “But gdon’ worry yall,” she said trying to cheer them up, “Ah know we’ll git our marks someday.”

    “Someday,” Scootaloo said exacerbated, “we’ll be grown mares by the time we get our cutie marks at this rate!”

    “An’ what’s wrong with gittin’ older,” Apple Bloom said to her friend, “Mah sister, Applejack is older, an’ ah hope ta’ be just like her when I grow up!”

    “Stop fighting you two,” Sweetie Belle said, “we’re trying to get our marks together, not fight about it.”

    “Sorry, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said, “I guess I’m getting impatient that’s all.”

    “That’s ok,” Apple Bloom said, “Ah’ git upset too sometimes. But we’re a team, an’ we’ll help git our marks, no matter how old we are when we git them, right?”

    “Right,” the two chimed in.

    Hearing this from Scootaloo about getting their marks when older, Apple Bloom had a idea. “Hey, Sweetie Belle, when did yer sister git her mark?”

    “Oh Rarity told me that she was older than us when she got her mark,” the unicorn said thinking about it.

    “Girls, ah’ thing ah have an’ idea,” Apple Bloom said satisfied.

    “What is it,” the other Crusaders asked.

    “Ah can’t tell ya yet ‘cause ah’m not sure if it’ll work, but if it does, this might solve all our problems.”

    “It’s not going to be that potion you tried that made you get all those cutie marks, is it,” Sweetie Belle said.

    “Nah, ah learned my lesson about that. Don’ worry. Ah’ll let you know about it in a day or so.”

    “Ok then,” Scootaloo said as she pulled up to the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres, “see you later Apple Bloom.”

    “Bye Scootaloo. Bye Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said with a wave as her two friends and crusaders pulled away. She then turned and headed back to the farm house, her mind abuzz with her new idea.

    Comments ( 1 )

    #1 · 48w, 2d ago · 1 · ·
    Reply 

    I really love the concept, but I'd love even more to see a slightly more refined writing style.

    For starters, really try to describe the scenario they're in to as much detail as you can imagine. Were they on a field trip? Did they venture into the Everfree Forest? Whose idea was it to go trailblazing? What time of day is it? Is the weather bright and sunny, or dark and dreary? What kind of escapades did they go through to get here?

    Here's an example to see how I would write this:

    The orange pegasus groaned as she flicked yet another hapless twig from her magenta mane. "Did you get yours yet, Applebloom?"

    Applebloom creaked her head around, a small glimmer of hope sparking within the depths of her eyes, only to droop her head back down in despair. Though this little adventure of theirs had hardly been enjoyable, there was always the tiny sparkle of expectation every time they went crusading.

    "Oh, hey! I think I have mine!"

    The pegasus and earth pony equally shot up with beaming glee, scooting around each other to get a look at the unicorn's flank.

    "Oh...nevermind, it's just a leaf," Sweetie Belle replied. All three visibly sagged as the white pony peeled the wet maple leaf from her body.

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