• Published 3rd Apr 2016
  • 3,343 Views, 346 Comments

The Anthropologist - Weavers of Dreams



Join Lyra as she interacts in various human-related problems ranging from wannabe Nazis to eldritch horrors that just need some love. No problem is too great that it can't be fixed with a baseball bat or high-powered cieling fan, that's a promise.

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-23- Thursday Part: Six

"So, you helped deliver a human child?"

"Yeah. Fairly interesting, too. Did you know, that to give birth, human's lie on their backs rather than on their stomachs?"

Lyra nodded. "Yep."

The white pony huffed a bit at being the only uniformed person in the room. "Well, I didn't. Almost got me in trouble too. I kept yelling at her that she was going to hurt herself and the baby. By the time the obstetrician arrived she was in tears and panicking."

"Well, Redheart, now you know, and won't make that mistake again," Lyra informed her kindly. She was barely holding back a fit of chuckles at the angry scrunchy face the good nurse was making.

"I shouldn't have made it the first time," Nurse Redheart commented angrily. "They never covered these things at the medical school I attended. They believed mostly on teaching things by observation and on the job. Not a bad method per se. But when your school is in the middle of a town full earth ponies and unicorns, you'll find yourself seriously lacking many necessary skills."

"Like not knowing that human males don't have sheathes?" Lyra asked, wagging her eyebrows humorously at the now-blushing nurse.

"Sh-shut up," the mare pleaded, trying to hide behind her mane. "It was my first day. I was excited to meet my first human patient, and... well, I thought he was 'excited' as well. N-nothing happened."

"Oh, stop blushing," Lyra grinned impudently. "I'm just having some fun, girl. Let's go back to talking about the birthing. I assume it was Gene and Susan's. Am I right."

Redheart nodded, the blush subsiding. "Yes. A healthy colt..."

"Boy," Lyra corrected.

"Er, boy, yes. Thankfully, I managed to make up for the earlier panic by following the obstetrician's orders in a swift and concise manner. The birth was easy for the mother, and the father didn't seem to want to bite my head off anymore afterwards. Not that I would've blamed him if he had."

"Oh, get over it," the anthropologist waved off her silly sulk. "Ponyville General wouldn't be the same without you, and you know it."

"I suppose," Redheart sighed. Then she smiled and chuckled a bit. "Well, the other nurses and doctors had me to stay with the new mother and baby to help make up for earlier. I helped her fill out the paperwork, ensured she got an infant care basket, and instructed her in the proper methods to breastfeed her new son."

"So you did read those books I recommended," Lyra pointed out.

"Well, I just kind of glazed over the parts about human birth, since I'm not an obstetrician. The breastfeeding is something all nurses are required to read up on. Improper positioning of the infant during suckling can lead to dire consequences down the road. More so for bipeds, as they are more likely to receive lasting damage to their spines at such an early age if held wrong."

Lyra nodded in comprehension. "I can see that."

"Though, it is rather odd," Red heart continued from her last thought. "Human female mammary glands are much larger than even a milkmare's. Yet they don't even produce a tenth the amount of milk. What's up with that?"

"Just think of them as aesthetic pillows," Lyra suggest, growing slightly uncomfortable with the topic. "You know, make hugs softer, keep their babies comfortable, and have something to play with behind closed doors."

Redheart's blush returned. "Lyra! I was speaking from a professional medical standpoint. If you want to change the topic, just ask. Don't just try and me feel more uncomfortable than you."

Lyra sighed. "Sorry. Talking in-depth about human breasts just makes me feel uneasy."

"It's alright, Lyra. For me it's the toes," Redheart mused with an understanding nod.

"Seriously?" Lyra piped up, giving her an amused expression. "You don't like toes?"

"It's not that I don't like them," the nurse quickly countered. "They just look so weird."

"I think they're cute," Lyra responded, sticking out her tongue in defiance. "Especially when they're babies. Even you can't argue with that."

Redheart conceded that point. She had had to perform standard checkups on human infants before, finding them just adorable. She had even learned the Five Little Piggies nursery rhyme. Though she had no idea what roast beef was. But it made them squeal in laughter, and put a smile on her face.

Baby toes were definitely an exception.

"So what did they name him?"

"Excuse me?" Redheart shook the images of toes from her head and looked at Lyra. "What was that?"

"Gene and Susan's baby," Lyra stressed. "What did they name him?"

"Oh, sorry. Isaac. They named him Isaac." Redheart just shrugged. "Why do humans have such weird names?"

"Because, to them, naming themselves after something related to what they like or do for a living is less than practical," Lyra explained. "Unlike most ponies, their talents aren't set in stone. Or stamped on their butts. The ability to adapt is their greatest strength, and to them, a name need only identify who they are."

"Interesting concept," Redheart said, considering these things. "Definitely not practical for us, though."

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?" Lyra asked, glancing at her clock. "Your my last appointment today, so I can go a little longer than normal if you like. Maybe you could help me think up a proper gift for the new family."

Redheart thought for a moment, then grinned mischievously. "Speaking of new families. How about we talk about when you're finally going to get with Noteworthy and have a foal so that I can teach you proper breastfeeding techniques?"

Lyra glared at Redheart through narrowed eyes. "On second thought, you're getting out early."

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